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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How many parents feel like this ?

26 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 09/10/2020 22:34

I’m on a lot of parenting websites and it seems so many hate their children going to the dads house (not talking in cases of abuse that’s completely understandable) but it just seems some parents don’t like sharing their child and want to be with them 24/7. I’ve even read comments such as “why have kids if you want time to yourself” is this a normal way to feel? I’m a lone with mine and ex doesn’t see them, I would give anything for a regular break, I’m completely drained and exhausted, I’m like a zombie, I feel so resentful of parents who get free time to themselves, but it seems so many hate this?? Does any one enjoy the break? Can’t help but think people would feel really different if they never actually got a break.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

audweb · 09/10/2020 22:37

Nope, I’m with you. My ex is useless and pretty unreliable and I see the impact it has on my daughter, so not only would I love a regular break (because solo parenting is hard) but I would want it for her. When he does take her it’s a welcome break, time for me to recharge and see other adults or just gather my own head together. I’m with you. I know I’m fortunate that I get a break occasionally but it’s never regular and he always tries to disrupt it or reduce it time wise.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 09/10/2020 22:42

Honestly I just don’t get it, “why have kids if you want time to yourself” even couples make time for each other with date nights etc, and if you are in a couple you can ask the father to watch the kids whilst you nip to the shop or go out with friends , not something you can do as a lone parent, seems we are in the minority though!

OP posts:

NeonBella · 09/10/2020 22:44

I'm also 100% with you on this op.

Being a lone parent is relentless.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/10/2020 22:47

I enjoy the break and am very glad that my DC have a good relationship with both parents and all their extended family.

usernamewastaken · 09/10/2020 22:55

My ex moved in with his partner at the start of the year and hasn't had her overnight since. He opts to work weekends (he's self employed and picks his own days/hours). He then moans to me that I'm stopping her seeing him during the week, yet if he does, he brings her back after bedtime without giving her dinner, he doesn't do her homework with her, she needs a shower, so she ends up going to bed late and she's a crank the next day... but it's of course me saying no to weekday visits is wrong. I'd love her to stay over and for her to enjoy a proper relationship in which he engages with her and does every day stuff. She is very clingy with my partner, maybe because he's there for her and does that everyday stuff with her.
I feel for you; you need a break to recharge.

Northernsoullover · 09/10/2020 22:57

I'm with you on this. Need milk? You all go. Need the dentist? You all go. Want to go to the gym? You can't for at least 10 years. Its shit.
Don't forget the hen nights (I know most of MN seems to hate these) you miss, the concerts. You are basically under house arrest for 11 years or longer depending on your child.
Now that my children are much older I can go out again. Pre lockdown I did that roughly once a month and I would have been happy with that when they were young. Hardly neglectful.

Sunny4876 · 09/10/2020 23:01

Only my youngest(8)goes to her dads and I love it.It's only been 6 months of any length and consistancy though so I'm still revelling in the newness of it all.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 09/10/2020 23:14

Glad to hear I’m not alone in this honestly it’s mad I just can’t understand it. Mine are all still under 10 (I have 4) so can’t leave them alone at all, and it is a lot of work as you can imagine! I think it’s completely different to having a partner, you are not the one doing everything at all time’s

OP posts:

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 09/10/2020 23:26

Such a silly thing for people to say and it usually comes from those with a partner.
I have a partner and although I don't take time for myself as such I know once he comes in from work I can get on with something I need to do.

Of course everyone is entitled to a break doesn't mean you're some sort of mean parent because you've had a break. You're also you as well as a mother.

Honestly my hat goes off to lone parents. That isn't mean in any patronising way at all.

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 09/10/2020 23:27

Meant*

Finals1234 · 09/10/2020 23:40

My exh is not allowed to see the kids unsupervised, so I am also lone parenting full time without a break. It's been 5 years and so they are getting older and therefore easier but it's still so hard and it's relentless. I hear you op.

unicornsarereal72 · 10/10/2020 08:55

I think for some when families first separate it is a hard adjustment. Previously the family unit worked together making free time, family days out etc. It is a loss and takes time to adjust. I missed the children. When they started eow at their dads. But carved out a routine for me. And I got use to it. Only for the situation to break down and now occasionally they see him for a few hours here and there.

As previously poster said my social life is very limited now. But I'm hoping a few more years and the kids will be old enough to be home alone for a few hours here and there.

I think when you are the sole parent of younger children. It is exhausting and the need for some respite is like a holy grail. It is a situation that until you have experienced it. You have no idea how relentless it is.

Pinkyxx · 10/10/2020 09:24

Agree, being a lone parent is relentless, exhausting. Working full time only makes it worse. When DD was little I'd have willingly sold a kidney just a rest lol

OhioOhioOhio · 10/10/2020 09:37

I agree op. My xh is very nasty. That invisible evil that it turns out some people do. My kids don't like going. I don't like them going. But he did nothing to help when I was married to him. I am now able to get a bit of sleep and sit in a tidy room. I know I'm lucky to get that.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 10/10/2020 10:24

I have to schedule dental appointments, other health appointments and smear tests well in advance and have missed them because I can't get childcare. When I do finally get some time it's to work or, maybe, to clean if I'm lucky. I would love some more alone time. Now that I am back at work (and not just WFH) I enjoy my commute because it gives me some alone time. I get that little bit of time on work days to think. It feels like going on holiday. That's how full on it can be! If my ex wasn't an abusive POS then I would happily hand my kids over for the weekend. When I drop them off at nursery/childminder/school I feel relieved. They are wonderful children, I love them dearly, but they are not easy. As a PP said it's relentless and the worst bit for me is that I'm always multitasking. It's nice to be alone to do one thing at once and give it my attention. Because when I'm with my kids all too often I'm trying to do something else as well. Be that laundry, dishes, life admin, work, or trying to have some kind of social life.

Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 10:28

Exp used to see our DC and I did appreciate the breaks. I was very depressed at the time so I just slept most of the time they were away. Not really making much use of them but it’s what I needed to do. He stopped seeing them a few years ago and tbh the relief that he doesn’t get to abuse and manipulate them anymore far outweighs the loss of the break. Don’t get me wrong it is relentless and exhausting but I’ve gotten use different to it and wouldn’t exchange their emotional well being and a harmonious house for a weekend off.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/10/2020 11:54

Op I used to give myself a 'day off'. I'd get up and ignore all of my daily jobs. I'd make sure I had a magazine and do nothing to make the house organised or tidy. I'd have ready made crap for meals. The kids would have dayrylea lunchables or pizza or whatever. By about 2 o clock I'd end up being bored with my 'day off' and start tidying up. But it was awesome knowing when I went to bed that the next day would be for me.

Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 12:31

I will say OP that if your DC are small you’re in the worst part of it. It really does get easier as they get older, more independent and better at entertaining themselves. One of mine has ADHD and still needs a lot of attention and really eyes on him at all times but it’s become easier now that he is in secondary school.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 10/10/2020 16:21

Thank goodness it’s not just me, I was really starting to wonder!! Mine also have additional needs (dd oldest has autism and next one down awaiting assessment) so sadly I’m finding it harder as they get older 😫 would love for their dad to be just as interested in them as I am!! He’s never picked them up from school (oldest is 9) never had them over night not even once!

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 16:32

(((Hugs)))) Op.

All I can offer is just to keep going as best you can. One day you will get to sit down, in a quiet room, and drink a cup of tea and acknowledge the fact that you’ve done a cracking job of raising 4 brilliant people. And you will be in awe of yourself because you will know exactly how hard that was. And life will be easier. It mightn’t be soon, but it will happen. You just need to grit your teeth and meet the battle right now.

Lockdownproblems · 10/10/2020 16:36

I'm a single mum and my daughters father has never even met her...she does however go to my parents 2 nights a week now (she is 9..didnt happen until recently). I love the break but I do miss her so much. It's weird..I both relish and mourn the days without her!!

Light11 · 11/10/2020 22:00

I’m going to guess that the parents you’re talking about usually have issues relating friction arguments and abuse I don’t mean violent abuse but there are other forms of abuse otherwise yes of course you wanna break and for you kids to have a relationship with the non Resident parent

Daisy12Maisie · 12/10/2020 13:53

I dont get a break when mine go to their dads 2 weekends out of 4 because I work 10 hr shifts when they are away. But I get days off in the week and can catch up on house stuff then and be home when they finish school so them seeing their dad makes our home life better. I hate it that he has no regard for their social activities though and if they are invited anywhere on "his" weekend they have to miss it.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 12/10/2020 16:45

No I don’t think it’s any abuse they say they genuinely just don’t want to be apart from their kids I don’t think they like “sharing” the child, not everything is about abuse, none of them have said their ex is abusive just that they don’t want to be parted with their kids/ feel pointless without them being around/ miss them too much etc

OP posts:

Iyiyi · 20/10/2020 20:28

I’ve heard people say this, often it seems to be when their ex is in an established relationship and they’re single, so there is a lot mixed up in it. My ex moved away after we split and saw the kids two or three times a year and yes, we travelled as a pack everywhere. They came to a smear test with me, Dr’s, work sometimes! They are 14 and 11 now so I can actually leave the house alone but my god I will never forget how difficult it was working full time, picking them up from childminder, then having to go food shopping etc when we’d all been out of the house since 7.45 and so tired and hungry I wanted to cry!

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