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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

cannot believe what DD1 (16) has done and not told me

50 replies

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 14:12

So back story not been getting on last few weeks as shes being a little diva, refusing to wash dishes etc so we have been fighting a bit. Last week she promised to babysit her lil sis then changed her plans and never told me so we had mass row about that, as in when the hell was she going to tell me?

SO this morning DD2 (8) goes out and can't find her bike. I make her look all round neighbourhood in case she forgot and left it at friends. Asked neighbours didn't know. Just about to phone police to report stolen when neighbour says oh DD1 is in my house, went in and said to her " DD2 has lost her bike have you seen it anywhere?" DD1 gets dead defensive, yeah I lent it and my bike to 2 lads last night to get home to neighbouring village who had no way home. I was like well when the hell were you thinking of telling me or DD2? After Id phoned police? And where is it now? "Oh they are not answering phone" I was livid was like are you not going to apologise? OH IM SORRY says she total sarcasm...

I was in my jammies so went to get ready then went back round to neighbours whats the update? Oh DD1 and friend walking over to try to get bikes back....

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Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 14:26

help??

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 03/08/2012 14:30

If she can't get the bikes back, then no pocket money or allowance etc until she has repaid enough to buy DD2 a new bike. She can get a Saturday job to buy herself a new one.

And whether or not the bikes come back, I'd probably withdraw some other material privileges for a time too, so that she can know how it feels to be without an item that she likes.

MakeItALarge · 03/08/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 14:34

she seems to know these guys so think will get bikes back, but if not hen OMG she will be scrubbing toilets for years! its more that she didnt bother to tell me...I would have phoned the police tbh I didnt think for one minute that the missing bike would be anything to do with her!! I mean its an 8 year olds bike no lights or anything and was at least 2 am because thats when i went to bed and she wasnt in then

OP posts:

Onthebottomwithawomansweekly · 03/08/2012 14:38

I know teenagers can push limits - but out till 2am at 16?

Mine's 15 and on hols the curfew for her if she was out with her mate and not with me was 11.30 each night (or am I a really cruel mother?!)

Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 14:40

shes a month off 17 and was 2 doors away

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Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 14:48

shes never needed a curfew because shes always been so good, texting letting me know where she is, and its a small village shes never been in a club and the village pub knows shes underage so theres not really that much she can get up to anyway, least I didn't think so. She even tells me about her realtionships, or has up till now. Last 3 weeks its like shes changed into a monster that I dont even recognise.

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Inyourhippyhat · 03/08/2012 14:57

omfg - sympathise. They can be awful at that age. Take her phone for a week and say she will not get it back unless she carries out every household task you give her without complaint. Then make a rota and make her continue to help on a permanent basis if she does want her phone confiscated for two weeks next time.

Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 15:12

i would love to be able to confiscate her phone. But her dad pays for it, Its an i phone and she would literally walk out and never speak to me again. She kind of has a hold over me, she is financially independent between EMA, her cafe wages and a generous allowance from dad. I do not want her to think i want her to leave home, i love her, but there doesnt seem to be any sanctions that I can impose I cant physically stop her from going out, she is almost an adult, I want to treat her like an adult but OMG I just dont know what the hell is going on with her these past few weeks have been so awful, she just puts me down all the time talks to me like I am a stupid moron, any time i try to talk to her it turns into her screaming at me...

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/08/2012 15:20

Um, if you don't impose some sanctions or find a way to address her behaviour why would she stop? Is there any hope that her dad would support you in this?

Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 15:24

her dad wont usually talk to me but i am thinking maybe i will have to insisnt on this one. Im gonna wait to see if she appears back with the bikes its quite a hike so maybe will have given her time to think and a lot will depend if the bikes come back or not, after all it would have been pitch black on country roads wouldn't be surprised if the bikes and riders were in a ditch

OP posts:

Original poster

omfgkillmenow · 03/08/2012 15:56

Update...DD2's bike has been stolen the guy who borrowed it ditched it in some bushes planning to retrieve it this morning but it was gone. I have called DD2's dad and he agrees that the iphone should be taken away and sold to replace bike but DD1 refuses to hand it over and is hiding out in neighbours house...what now?

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 03/08/2012 16:13

Yeah she's not going to come back with her phone at risk. I think you need to get their dad other and mutually read her the riot act in terms of her not being a total prat. Then I would dock her allowance till the new bike is paid for. She can live off her EMA and wages and try thinking next time. I notice it wasn't HER bike that got dumped. If you try and take her phone she's just going to flip out. Much better to dock at source so she can't refuse to hand things over. If her dad doesn't like that I would tell him to come and pick her up and she can go to him till things settle.

monsterchild · 03/08/2012 16:20

contact the carrier and have the phone disconnected. he pays he can turn it off too. She can get her own contract with her wages. And she can't hide out forever, neighbor will eventually tire of her and send her home. Just make sure Dad is on board and will back up anything you need to do!

stealthsquiggle · 03/08/2012 16:20

Well if her Dad is in agreement about paying back, then since her allowance comes from him, could you get him to text her and tell her no allowance until DD2's replacement bike is paid for? How long would that take?

I think the allowance is a more effective lever than the phone, TBH - after all, to some extent a 'phone is also useful to you in being able to get hold of her, etc.

Sighingagain · 03/08/2012 16:24

Yes only sanction you have is to cancel sim really - you just order replacement and not hand it over - but ex will have to do that.

Sighingagain · 03/08/2012 16:24

16 year olds would rather lose allowance than use of phOne.

Northernlurker · 03/08/2012 16:28

Yes exactly - and that's why I would do the allowance thing because she needs to pay for her mistake but you also need to keep having a relationship with her and if you take her phone - even if her dad backs you up - it will be a HUGE thing for her and it will be hard to work on from that. Teens are so emtional about their phones - it's their contact with friends, they've got music and the net on there. Losing her phone is imo actually too harsh for what is stupid and thoughtless behaviour but not really, really awful iyswim.

HecateHarshPants · 03/08/2012 16:29

You have GOT to reestablish some sort of authority, she sounds like she's got no respect at all for you.

Is the phone on contract? Cancel it. Or block it.

Cancel all allowance.

Does she have any gadgets in her room? laptop etc - confiscate them.

You also need to talk to the neighbour and ask them to not collude with your daughter in avoiding the consequences of her actions.

btw - the guy ditched it in bushes? Yeah. I bet he did. More likely he's kept it and sold it/will sell it.

bigTillyMint · 03/08/2012 16:34

Oh God, what a mare. I am living in dread of this kind of thing happening as DD is now a teen.

I guess you know the neighbour - do they know what is going on?

I agree it would be easier to get her dad to dock her allowance, and also you both definitely need to work together to try to sort out her behaviour.

Northernlurker · 03/08/2012 16:34

I think you're right about the bike Hecate and actually I am wondering if the daughter did 'lend' them at all - or did she just guess her mates had nicked them and was covering?

HecateHarshPants · 03/08/2012 16:36

Either that or she's getting a cut...

MrsTomHardy · 03/08/2012 16:43

You have to punish her one way or another.

nankypeevy · 03/08/2012 16:50

If you genuinely feel like you have no sanctions available (really?) - then, look at it logically:

She "loaned" something that didn't belong to her?

That's theft. In fact, it's thieving from your little sister. What sort of horrible turd nicks her wee sister's bike?

Phone the police, let them give her a real fright and nip this pisstake in the bud. If she shows any remorse or comes up with a plan of recompense then I'd not actually call them, just threaten...

...but, if she thinks you can't discipline her at 16 then you are going to have a rough 18 months or so.

Good luck

nankypeevy · 03/08/2012 16:52

Oh yes. And, 2am? 2 doors away or not - that's a nonsense. Why on earth are you allowing her up at that time of night? Are you a night owl yourself? Because, that really is very late for a 16 year old.

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