cannot believe what DD1 (16) has done and not told me

[omfgkillmenow]

So back story not been getting on last few weeks as shes being a little diva, refusing to wash dishes etc so we have been fighting a bit. Last week she promised to babysit her lil sis then changed her plans and never told me so we had mass row about that, as in when the hell was she going to tell me?

SO this morning DD2 (8) goes out and can't find her bike. I make her look all round neighbourhood in case she forgot and left it at friends. Asked neighbours didn't know. Just about to phone police to report stolen when neighbour says oh DD1 is in my house, went in and said to her " DD2 has lost her bike have you seen it anywhere?" DD1 gets dead defensive, yeah I lent it and my bike to 2 lads last night to get home to neighbouring village who had no way home. I was like well when the hell were you thinking of telling me or DD2? After Id phoned police? And where is it now? "Oh they are not answering phone" I was livid was like are you not going to apologise? OH IM SORRY says she total sarcasm...

I was in my jammies so went to get ready then went back round to neighbours whats the update? Oh DD1 and friend walking over to try to get bikes back....

You ask "what now".

YOU need to start being a parent to your dd1. She is 16 nearly 17 so she is old enough to understand consquences of her action.

They are that you are going to phone the police (101) and tell them that she stole her sister bike and it now been stolen. Then you are going to remove things from her room to the value of replacing the bike, and she is grounded apart from work for week.

Oh and you need to to parent your children and set boundaries.

well a couple of things have happened now. Firstly DD told me she lied about letting the guy borrow it and he stole it. I went to guys house and he was really really apologetic, told me he was drunk and fully intended to bring bike back in morning but when went to find it it was gone. I asked him if DD said he could take it but he said he was too drunk to remember but I think he was covering for her. He was genuinely remorseful and seemed like a really nice lad and said he had been out looking for the bike all day but no luck. He ditched it in bushes cos pal was taking so long and he went looking for him, whilst pal came home and put DD1's bike in garden so she has got her bike back ok. Thing is tho he has no money to replace stolen bike. I said I would have to talk to his parents, he is 17. He said he had confessed to his parents and they say he must pay for bike, it is his responsibility. I said the DD must take some of the blame and chip in but he says no all his fault he will pay but will take him some time to get the money together. I told him to phone me Sunday night to see what he can come up with. He says he may be able to borrow a bike for DD2 until he can afford replacement which I think is fair but DD1 is insisting nothing to do with her and tried to turn it round to say well they did ask to stay but she said no cos she thought I would have said no, but I have let the guy who took her bike stay before and I would have let them stay on sofas had she asked me. The bike thing seemed to be sorted but me and DD1 are still at loggerheads surely she should take some of the blame for this? She has buggered off to stay at friends now which I am fine with as better than being at each others throats.

Also DD1 has always been so so good up until 3 weeks ago when she has turned into some kind of alien/nightmare child!! We've always had a brilliant relationship I genuinely don't know whats gotten into her!

@nanky well I have always allowed her a fair bit of freedom because previously she has never abused it! She has never needed a heavy hand if you like, always forthcoming about where she is and who with, even confided in me about losing her virginity a few months ago, we've always been so close and now I just have no fucking idea what is going on with her

Is she pregnant?

I think you need to find out what has changed in the last 3 weeks that is causing the change in her behaviour.

Shes on the pill and I know its her worst nightmare, plus, if you read my other thread you'll see she left knickers with used fanny pads still attached in laundry other day, so Id say no. I would be more likely to believe she's on some kind of drugs, but her pal failed his driving test the other day and she was doing a pure rant about how he was a fucking stoner and he used to be such a bright guy and is ruining his life, so I doubt that either.

omf, I don't mean to sound critical - I worded that badly.

But, she's 16. I really can't think of a reason why a 16 year old should be up at 2am. Teenagers do transmogrify into hideous people from one minute to the next - and, being tired is not going to help.

Am glad that you are getting closer to getting this sorted...but...she's now away to a friends? What?

She disrespects you, her dad, her sister. She lies, she steals, she leaves you to sort out her mess and is then a cheeky minx when you reprimand her about it...and now, she's out having fun at a friends?

Yes, I see that you are glad of a break...but, what is she going to learn from this scenario?

Lastly, just to sound critical - why are you allowing your 16 year old to be alone with a boy who is too drunk to know what he is doing? And, why are drunk young boys sleeping over on your sofa?

And, what are his parent's doing about this? Can't you, her dad and his parents put up a united front here?

Is it possible that you laying down the law is a new experience, and one that she doesn't like?

You want some advice? Get her back home. Take away everything that is important to her for a period of time longer than she'd comfortably bear. and do these things to punish her for the cheek and the lies that she's delivered to you.

Pick yourself up a pair of earplugs and a bottle of wine on the way home - and good luck.

Seems she isn't that bothered at all and certainly doesn't care that her sister has lost her bike because of her.

well I didnt actually know she was going to be so late. Its not her usual behaviour and I went to bed. She's a month shy of 17, but I do think your right in that shes pushing the boundaries that really I suppose she didn't know existed because she has always behaved well in the past.

Ive allowed her to have a lock on her bedroom door since she was 16 because her wee sister used to go in and "play" with her make up, also at 16 I thought I was doing the right thing allowing her some responsibility. I let the boy stay here for safety sake, rather than trying to thumb a lift, we live in a wee rural place with no buses late at night. I want her to have a good teenage experience, lose her virginity in her own bed and safely, rather than in a park like some of her friends.

Its like she has suddenly started to abuse all the trust I have given her, her sharp tongue cuts and says some really hurtful things, like I am scared to come home because you are so angry..yes Ive been angry over the last couple of weeks because she has been so so awful in the way that she behaves ans speaks to me. Her dad is no help really, he backed me up but then she said he said different to her and is now not answering phone, plus he lives far away. Just been in phone to mum and she says its a phase, OMG so hope shes right! The only thing she truly values is iphone and I cant get that. any time i try to have discussion she turns on me and twists my words she just seems incapable of being rational atm. I feel spent, knackered. She gets her exam results in a week so maybe that is something to do with it, but still no excuse for her behaviour. Shes 17 (well a couple of weeks off) not 13, I just dont know what to do. Id rahter she was away at friends than screaming at me, may be a wimp out but im so fucking knackered with it all i feel i just need a bloody break.

So she's still got her bike, but your other daughter hasn't got one now? And you are on about borrowing a bike for your younger daughter?

erm.

you give her your eldest daughter's bike! Why should she be the one left with the bike? If this guy can lend her a bike then fair enough. But her bike should go to her sister, don't you think?

And teens can be vile. And for no apparent reason. It's so tempting as an adult to look at outrageous behaviour and think there HAS to be something. Someone doesn't just behave like this, there must be something... Well, there might. But there doesn't have to be. Sometimes they are just being vile. It truly is quite common at that age. It's like someone snaps their finger and there's a whole new person standing in front of you and they hate you.

Agree, her bike becomes her sister's bike or discuss with exH barring her iPhone as an effective sanction; it would also enforce how united both parents are about her unpleasant behaviour. She gets the same message from both mum and dad: home at 11am, she speaks courteously to her family and she pulls her weight at home - essentially behaves as an adult. You've extended her much trust and treated her as an adult but that comes with responsibilities too, she can't have it both ways.

And if she's tantruming like a toddler, being rude etc, treat her like one. Ignore her, refuse to engage, turn your back, walk away, you and dc2 go out shopping/for cake/get your nails done/ - remove her audience. Silence sometimes speaks volumes.

When they're like this putting them out with the charity bags is so tempting. Good luck

I totally see what you are saying about safety and sex. And, she's not a 13 year old child. But, you, personally, are going to have to be REALLY careful at allowing them to drink and have privacy in your home - they are young adults, but they are still minors, and they are in your home.

You are in a difficult spot - yes, she needs responsibility at her age. But, if she shirks the responsibility there has to be a consequence. That's life - don't turn up for work, lose your job. drink too much, get a hangover. behave like a silly spoiled little brat and slag off your mum - no i phone.

If she has no consequences to this episode of behaviour then you'd better get used to it.

Have you thought of calling parentline? They're volunteers and professionals who offer support to parents - and it sounds like you don't have heaps of support. You've only had 3 weeks to find your feet with this,

familylives.org.uk/

You sound tired. This is a stage, she'll come out the other side.

I would give DD1's bike to DD2 but its too big for her. Thank you everyone for your support, i have managed to borrow a bike for DD2 from a neighbour that fits fine. The rest, I will deal with tomorrow, tonight well its bedtime thank you all.

Sell DD1's bike to pay her share towards DD2's new one. Ask parents of other teen concerned to chip in and he can pay them back, not you. I would also suggest that DD1 loses phone for a couple of weeks. I would also keep any eye out on ebay/local paper and gumtree for DD2's bike.

I was out working until 2/3 am some weekends when i was 15yrs old. Is that any different to OPs dd being out at a neighbours house until that time.

My mum says that as soon as i turned 16 i changed into a madam. And ended up pregnant at 17.

OP u need to show her that there are consequences to her actions. 8years on i really wish i had listened to my mum more. I think its a typical teenage phase & i hope ur dd comes out the other end a different way i did.

EMA was stopped over 12months ago?!
Not sure what she is living on but its not EMA , but whatever it is it will have to stop until she has financially repaid for new bike. Can dad stop the allowance?

Not in Scotland. I am guessing OP is in Scotland

I am now on the verge of throwing her out she has been so horrible to me today, told me she doesnt like her sister and that yes, I am beneath her, and that she only lives here because her social life is here and her job/school is here and she doesn't really want to be here and I am a psycho and that is why she lied because I would have shouted at the boy who stole her sisters bike and embarrased HER...btw boy was lovely bought DD" replacement bike today and me flowers I didn't shout at him at all but apparently I am total embarrassment to her life and when was the last time that I did something nice for her that was not included in the job description of "mother" ie cooking, cleaning, etc because i never do anything above my responsibility as "mother" never go out my way to please her...

Oh and I told her she had a curfew of midnight and she went all sarky you do know I HAVE a key i said well hand over the key, but no she wouldnt

WTF? Go out of your way to please her?

I have just sent all mine to bed 2 minutes ago because I have had enough of their fucking attitude.

Can you double lock the door to prove a point to her?

Wow.

I know I was a horrible teen - but, this is just remarkable.

I'd stop doing anything for her, charge her proper rent and treat her like a lodger...let her temper tantrum her way into independence.

I'd be tempted to smack her bare bum too.

Try laughing at her? Because, it is farcicle. "teenagers - leave home now, whilst you still know it all"

Sounds bloody awful
x

I dread this kind of thing from my own when they are older, although they can be testing enough now.

This has come from a LP friend who has a a 20 & a 18 yr old:

Have the grown-up to grown-up conversation first, without raised voices, use long pauses. Explain you are hurt when she is rude. You wouldn't take it from anyone else, so why should you from her? Why does she think parents ask their dcs to be in by a certain time? ... And what does she think the consequences should be for a child who did flout their curfew? Or did say "xxxx" to their parent?

Later if she starts mouthing off again, say in a disinterested behind the paper voice: "You have been fortunate in having many adult privileges but also with those come adult responsibilities. You need to meet them"

And then say no more. She's had her warning.

Then calmly institute the sanctions that hopefully you, and hopefully exH, have agreed. Cancelling iPhone would be the obvious one.

Friend went and collected her now 20 year old, once, from friends at about midnight when she was about 16 and she did meekly did go with her, a bit embarrassed. With her 18 year old ds who pulled this stunt about 3 years ago he point blank refused to leave, so she threatened to reveal some really cringe-worthy secrets that would ruin his street cred forever more and go into to school to do an assembly to his year group in her official capacity where she might reveal a few more! He also refused to tidy his room, was a complete pit, so his clothes, except school ones, mysteriously disappeared and she bought him pants with days of the week on. Whatever rotten teenage behaviour he thought he was going to dish out, she could sink to greater depths as an embarrassing parent. And she also got members of the family to involve themselves with him more. His favourite uncle used to give him bear hugs and pretend to twang his trousers to see what day of the week it was, so they all knew and supported her. He is now a lovely young man but he gave her a tough year and she says it was like having 6ft 1 tantruming toddler.

I don't know if any of this helps, but you are not alone

Blimey threads like this put the fear of what's to come in me!!! Sounds horrible, my dd is 6 so I really don't have any first hand experience but it sounds like your dd is very angry about something. I wouldn't take it personally anymore than a toddler throwing a paddy about something.

Is it possible you could get her on her own, away from any distractions and try just talking? Don't have a go at her just start with, 'whats wrong? I am worried about you as you don't seem yourself at the moment? You seem really angry about something.' and see where it leads.

Good luck