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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Could you? Or have you?

26 replies

Pickles77 · 20/07/2012 11:31

I'm just sat in my garden having a brew and a think. I know we are alone and have been dealt some shite cards but we all have/will have our lovely LO's. So what I would like to ask is: Could you forgive, not forget, what your exes/ sperm donors have done?
Purely because they have given you a whole new life, yes it's challenging, tough & most of the time (well me!) looks like a train wreck.
But could you, especially if they are in your DCs life?

OP posts:

avenueone · 20/07/2012 11:59

For me I could forgive but it would involve my ex changing his behavure and it would take a while.

summerinthesun · 20/07/2012 13:41

To be honest I feel like the guilty one because I have taken my wonderful DD away from my ex. I don't think he could ever forgive me for doing that.

I did it for what felt like self-preservation reasons at the time. But looking back I can't believe I could be so cruel to my ex taking away his daughter.

Just to defend myself a bit, my family all hate my ex for treating me badly. But I don't hate him, I just feel really bad for him now.

Original poster

Pickles77 · 20/07/2012 13:52

See i think i would feel like that, and i have to keep being reminded i have done nothing wrong. I didnt have an abortion that he tried to force upon me, its me building my new ife, and me undergoing treatment for my health, mental & physically. But somehow i always turn the situation back around on myself and make it like i am taking his child away.
Hopefully that makes sense to you?

I have tried to do things the nice way, mutual arangements and things but he speaks to me nicely and then i get my hopes up only for him to put me back down again. So then i want to cut off all contact,b ut how can i?

Argh sorry for the rant, im so sorry. Ive just downloaded CSA forms for when the baby is born and am feeling too weak, guilty and emotional to fill them out as they make me feel a bad person!!

OP posts:

catquestioner · 20/07/2012 13:53

I have forgiven xh... he treated me appallingly but he loves DS and DS loves him.

I had to forgive him, to ensure DS wasn't/isn't too affected. EX comes for tea once a week and puts DS to bed, many of my friends wonder how I can allow this (and I'm not going to lie, it's not easy...xh is an idiot) but ds enjoys it and I have to put my feelings aside. DS also goes to his Dad's every weekend.

I can now honestly say we are 'friends' if only for the sake of DS.

catquestioner · 20/07/2012 13:56

Oh...and we're 4 years down the line which helps.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 14:15

I can't believe I could be so cruel to my ex taking away his daughter.

SparkleMom · 20/07/2012 14:20

I can forgive my x for what he did to me, it was a bad relationship f

SeventhEverything · 20/07/2012 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparkleMom · 20/07/2012 14:22

... But I can't forgive him for refusing to see my dd. although like yu say it's because of him that I have her so maybe he deserves a thank yu card...

MissMogwi · 20/07/2012 14:44

I forgive my ex for cheating on me and treating me like crap, as to do otherwise is unhealthy for me. In fact I wouldn't be who I am if he hadn't.

I don't forgive him for putting another woman and her child before his own, for not paying child support and most importantly, him thinking that's all ok. I can't forgive him for that.

Amieesmum · 20/07/2012 17:44

I have forgiven him for leaving me in the crap - and for walking away from me - what i will never forgive him for is walking in & out of DD's life & breaking her heart every time he does.

msrantsalot · 20/07/2012 17:45

I don't forgive them for being twats, I just accept that they are

Original poster

Pickles77 · 20/07/2012 17:53

Ahh that might be a better approach for me. Accepting, rather than forgiving. Thank you

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 20/07/2012 18:07

Definitely "learning to live/ cope with it" here too - but no, I will never be able to forgive or forget what my ex husband did.

DifferentFutureAhead · 20/07/2012 18:08

If I forgave h then I would be a step closer to taking him back. And I need to stay strong.

I need to remember what he's like when he loses control and the realisation that it isn't acceptable behaviour.

If I forgive and accept, then I'm back where I was before, in the midst of a violent relationship making excuses for him.

MavisGrind · 20/07/2012 18:14

I feel sorry for my ex as he left me but in doing so meant he doesn't live with his dcs which he obviously adores. It is an amicable split, I know he's quite a lot a bit of an idiot so although I don't forgive his idiocy, I just accept it now.

Without him I wouldn't have my beautiful dcs so I suppose he can't be all bad!

giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/07/2012 19:36

I have forgiven my ex for walking out on me and not being able to be there for me the first time I ever really needed him. I don't even really think about it anymore.

And I have also learnt to accept that he is unable to be mature enough to be a proper responsible parent and put our son's welfare first.

What I can't forgive and forget right now is his mood swings and aggressive nature when things don't go his way - it is for this reason and this reason alone that we are not closer in terms of looking after our son!!

molepom · 20/07/2012 20:04

Yes I have forgiven ex for what he's done but I will never forget it - which is what I told him.

We get along fine now, if not better than we have done for a few years. Him being in another country helps a lot though.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/07/2012 20:07

Molepom - It's not funny but you made me laugh. :)

Am wondering how many of us wish our exes were in a different country!!!!

MissPricklePants · 20/07/2012 20:11

Forgive my ex?? No, I can't forget it either but I am civil with him and keep him updated on dd (he has minimal involvement) for her sake, as far as dd is concerned me and ex get along like best mates!

avenueone · 20/07/2012 21:00

Molepom - that is a great point - yes another country would suit me just fine...

ciderpenguin · 20/07/2012 21:06

I accept that my Ex is the way he is and that it is best for our children if we get on.

I forgive him and have mostly the forgotten the hurt he caused me but find it hard to accept that he has never really explained why he left or for denying our children the benefits of being in a happy 2 parent family.

molepom · 20/07/2012 21:09

decreeabsolute · 20/07/2012 21:24

The way my ex treated me was unforgivable so know I will never forgive him - I don't actually think that would be useful for anyone. However, I'm not remotely bitter, I'm happy in my life with my wonderful daughter, (despite it being tough at times) and I AM thankful to him for giving me a daughter. I love my daughter way more than I hate him and as such I'm able to get along fine with him for her sake and we're even managing to co-parent fairly well currently, albeit long-distance. Forgiving him isn't necessary. We don't need to be close or friends to both want and do what's best for her. Things may change when new partners appear...

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 20/07/2012 23:12

No, I won't, ever I should think.

I could maybe forget how he has treated me, the violence, the harrassment, the cheating. I can''t ever forgive or forget that he has given DD a massive lack of self-esteem, to the extent she tells me she hates herself and wishes she was never born, that how can anyone love her when her dad can't, the promises he's made and broken to her, not turning up when shes stood by the window, how he's made her feel. If I had my time again with her as a baby, he would not be ANY part of her life. unfortunately, at 8, she's old enough to say herself if she wants to see him.

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