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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What do you intend to do about it?

28 replies

useyourloaf · 12/02/2012 20:22

NRP ExP tells me via a note....

...that he is pissed off because he had DS 2.9 today and DS was tired at midday and everything was "no, no, no".

ExP tells me that when DS is with him and new family he sleeps well, is happy and the negativity is gone and is replaced with a confident, happy boy.

He continues that I am being unfair to my son that he doesn't sleep enough because he misses out on quality family time and they are unable to eat together in a restaurant because DS is too tired and negative.

He finishes with "what do you intend to do about it"?

I am at a bit of loss as to how to answer. Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

purpleroses · 12/02/2012 20:33

Sounds like a bloody rude way to deal with a 2 year old being in a bad mood.

Is there actually any reason why he may have been stroppy? (ie is he a bit ill, or was he up very late last night?, or was this a change from his usual routine, that may have upset him?)

If not, the simplist way to deal with it would be not to get drawn into a big row over it, and text or email him to simply say "he went to bed at XX, as usual".

chubbasmum · 12/02/2012 20:35

no suggestions but twat springs to mind

chubbasmum · 12/02/2012 20:37

your ex that is poor little thing is two and his bloody new family should understand that too

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 12/02/2012 20:43

your poor DS.

Amazing how some nrp's think that children should have on and off switches...

What I'd do is ignore the note - because it's probably more constructive than telling you ex to feck the feck off.

My DS has this as well - makes my blood boil.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 12/02/2012 20:47

purpleroses - DS was in bed by 6.30 and asleep by 7 as usual - he did wander in to my bed around 5am (also not uncommon). According to ExP, DS sleeping in my bed is bad-parenting in not so may words.

I'm not going to respond at all as it's just another dig at me really.

OP posts:

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 12/02/2012 20:50

meh! co sleeping is comfort for tiny people who need a cuddle.

I can see why he's your ex, you sound like a much better parent than him.

purpleroses · 12/02/2012 20:50

Sounds a good idea. Letting a two year old sleep in your bed at 5am is the best way of ensuring another couple of hours sleep for both of you. Not bad parenting at all. Your ex sounds crap at trying to blame you for the fact that his two year old wasn't on great form in a restaurant.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 12/02/2012 20:57

thanks for your words of support ladies - he won't get to me (mantra)

OP posts:

Original poster

useyourloaf · 13/02/2012 15:56

So now, today I get a voicemail (very aggressive tone) asking me why I haven't responded to his question - he has DS tonight and tomorrow night. (2 nights a week and a Sunday daytime every fortnight).

We "agreed" communication via note in DS bag was best becuase I honestly crumble, feel bullied and can't think straight when he talks at me and recently he left me several abusive/aggressive voicemails when I disagreed with him on another matter, so talking is impossible.

Can't take much more of this being held to account, bullied and implications that I am a not a good enough parent and he and NP are better. I refuse to get drawn in to sniping and petty point scoring because it helps no-one.

Is there any way I can stop him? BTW I've no family or friends to sure me up so that's why I'm asking here.

Thanks.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 13/02/2012 16:43

You can get a phone that tells you who's calling and not answer it if it's him.

But still think that a short text or email saying that DS went to bed at normal time, might put a swift end to it. What else could he want you to do about it?

If he's doing this regularly, then you could offer to stop the Sunday daytime contact visit if DS is finding it stressful.

Is there no one at all you can ask to mediate between you, or help you put your views across to him?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/02/2012 19:09

I wouldn't bother answering him back at all. You don't owe him any explanations. He is obviously an absolute knob of the first second and third order. Perhaps he should pay for a baby-sitter so that his son can get to bed at a normal time while he is out dining with his new family.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/02/2012 19:11

oh and that is not intended to be some kind of 'revenge' treatment fgs. your son is a tiny small. If they can't even be bothered to stay in for a 'family meal' on the few short times they have him then...well, good luck to him when your son is 4 and a right PITA. That will no doubt be your fault too. Idiot man.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 13/02/2012 19:47

I sent him a text early eve saying that I hoped DS wasn't too tired today and that he'd had a nap this PM before I dropped him off, so he should be fine today.

What do I get??
"Are you taking the f**king piss? Are you insane? I don't want texts, we said notes. I'm getting upset. I'm serious".

OK, so I sent him a text against "agreement" but he did phone me (albeit earlier) demanding to know why I hadn't told him what I intended to do, so I sent a text to attempt to let him know that DS ought to be fine today.

UnlikelyAmazonian - thanks. ExP is everything you say he is and a bully too and I still feel bullied by him even though I'm out of the relationship. I still feel as if he is attempting control and undermining me.

I could have moved any place in the country at the end of last year, but I stayed close to our old neighbourhood so that DS could see his dad easliy and vice-versa. Oh and when I mentioned that I might move out of the area ExP went ballistic. Now I wish I'd gone to the other end of the earth.

OP posts:

froggies · 13/02/2012 20:14

Useyourloaf, your ex sounds very like mine, who also lives very close. I have found that only answering the relevant rants questions, and ignoring everything else has been the most effective way to deal with mine. We have agreed to do everything by email, he still texts, occasionally sends notes (which I keep) and occasionally phones, and has on one occasion been down to bang on my door, leaving dd's on their own in his house.... but he is slowly getting the message that i will not jump to his tune anymore, has taken a while..... I have found a lot of emotional support from women's aid (no family or close friends nearby, although that too is getting better now I am single) it might be worth getting in touch with them?

Original poster

useyourloaf · 13/02/2012 20:20

Thanks froggies that sounds like a good idea.

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UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/02/2012 22:45

Ok so you sent a reasonable text back this time. Well done, but really obviously pointless as he has got the rise out of you he is after.

You must harden yourself up big-time. For your own and your son's sake. because as your son grows up and has an opinion and mind and will of his own he is really going to need you then to be the strong person for him.

So please, as froggies just said, try and teach yourself to ignore ignore ignore. Stop guilt-tripping yourself also - your ex has a brain and arms doesn't he? he can put his son to bed for a bit if he is tired or take a stroller to the chippy pizza hut Nobu's and allow his tiny child to kip while he enjoys a meal can't he? it's what full-time parents do isn't it? You can't make a two year be awake when you want them to be.

My ds was in bed by half six when he was your son's age. Clapped out and snoring,. Didn't wake until 8am. Not much chance of a family meal out unless i took the buggy and a blanket to cover it up with for him.

Ignore this prat.

If he starts harassing or coming round, call the police.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 13/02/2012 23:06

Thanks for the stern talking to UnlikelyAmazonian. I am going to try to ignore and I have got better at it even in the last few weeks and yes, its the way to go. It's the only way that I can feel calm enough to carry on with the demands that being a mum on your own, bring.

He's unlikely to come round, but what exactly counts as harassment? I mean, I feel pretty hassled and harassed!

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UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/02/2012 23:55

Just keep all texts and any 'notes' and write down times and dates and rough content of any conversations. If you feel harassed, it's harassment.

Try to keep to the ignore ignore strategy when he criticises you or on any point when youi know he is being unreasonable. Answer any requests you feel are worth an asnwer, with a very straight reply.

For instance, you say you texted him this ; you hoped DS wasn't too tired today and that he'd had a nap this PM before I dropped him off, so he should be fine today. a) don't bother trying to deliberately give you son a nap just to apease your ex..but more than that, don't bother sending such appeasing texts.

And definitely keep his reply - re taking the piss and you being insane.

Even if he loathes you and you loathe him there is no call for such abuse. Put your fingers in your ears and go la la la la la when he insults you. Oh and btw most bullies are totally inadequate. He might think he loves his son, but it doesn't sound as though he actually likes him very much.

Jux · 20/02/2012 23:28

He's a Tosser, unworthy of your consideration. Ignore anything that comes to you other than in the agreed manner. Likewise, no communication from you other than in the agreed manner.

He is no longer in a position to bully you, he really, really isn't. Try to believe that; his methods will become less powerful as your ability to believe in yourself grow stronger.

Good luck.

solidgoldbrass · 21/02/2012 09:55

Just ignore him. ALl communication via email and only regarding DS, ignore everything else and ban yourself from apologising or offering opinions of any kind. And save any aggressive texts or emails to pass on to the solicitor, who can write to XP instructing him to stick to factual emails or further action will be taken against him.
Remember that this man doesn't matter. His opinion of you is invalid and it's fine to ignore him, put the phone down on him and shut the door in his face.

betty419419 · 21/02/2012 22:59

Yep ditto all the above - ignore and he will get bored. Similar thing with my ex, he was horrible to me - abusive, aggressive and I just felt bullied by him - one day I just had enough of being swore at for simply trying to arrange contact and I thought 'no more'. Now I dont speak or see him any contact arrangements are made through speaking to my dad via email and would you believe it he is sweetness and light - so transparent! In the last six months I've had to sent two emails to him to confirm contact issues - they were non emotional, factual and polite. He retorted with anger and aggression accusing me of this and that etc - a year ago I would have sent a reply desperately trying to make him see my point but this time I just ignored it - I felt so empowered - I had visions of him holding his phone waiting for my reply and I'm sure silence says 'fuck you I don't give a shit' better than anything - it also made me feel more in control as I really believe the abuse and harassment is just a way of xp trying to scare and control us - if you don't take the bait and ignore it he wont bother sending the shitty texts - sounds like complete Tuesday !! Xx

WibblyBibble · 21/02/2012 23:07

Er I'd send a note back saying 'I intend to parent during my time by the methods that I choose, you are welcome to use your own parenting techniques during your contact time' and that's it. Really there is nothing you can/should respond to such idiocy.

BlueNails · 21/02/2012 23:20

Sleeping in your bed for a couple of hours = bad parenting ???? Fuck me, I must be a really bad parent then. My dd sleeps in with me all the time due to my laziness nightmares.

Ignore the twat and only reply when necessary eg "is DS ill ?" "He has a bit of a cold"

Sorry to hear your ex is being such a prick.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 22/02/2012 23:55

thanks so much for all your replies, advice, support, ideas.

PMSL WibblyBibble - great answer!

Tried ignoring today (DS didn't have overnights with him this week as he had tempertaure). Got texts, calls, voicemails increasingly intense and abusive in nature - about 15 in total demanding to know DS temperature, when I took it, how often was I taking it, who GP was, address of GP, telling me to take him back to GP.

Got so f**ing fed up that I took DS to doctors to try to make appointment. Phoned twice whilst at reception in surgery to report in to ExP and on second occasion NP answered phone and told me that ExP was very angry that I'd taken DS out to docs surgery to make appointment when I could have just phoned. Unbelievably I found myself justifying my decisions to her!!! When I said "I'm perfectly capable of deciding what's best for my son" she responded "are you?" GRRRRRRRRRRR.

Also got some legal advice this morning though so things may improve.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 23/02/2012 01:26

Honestly, ignore this bellend. You do not have to justify yourself to him. He is not your boss or your owner. He's just a bellend that you had the good sense to dump.
Save all abusive texts and voicemails, pass them on to the solicitor, this man can be made to behave himself ie prevented from having any but minimal, factual contact with you. He doesn't have superpowers. His opinion doesn't matter.

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