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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How do single fathers feel?

52 replies

Mummalish · 09/01/2011 18:14

I was thinking about this today.

My ex sees my ds once during the week, and every other weekend on Sat and Sun.

In between that, he does not phone, text or email to find out how ds is, or what he has been up to etc.

I know when I am away from ds, I want to know all the little details, but then perhaps it's because I'm his mum and it's different. Or is it?

I just don't understand how he doesn't want to know the little things, how his weekend was, or what he got for Christmas, or how he's sleeping.

Since we split, my ds has changed, as all kids do, but he has different favourite foods, and songs etc. Ex displays no interest, is this the norm?

I know he loves ds, but wondering how he feels when he is away from him.

OP posts:

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 18:18

my Ex is forces and so lives away, he has free acces to the dcs when he is on leave but in the space of a fortnight at xmas only saw them 4 times. h ehas stopped phoning now but hwen he did it was at 10pm to talk to me, not to ask about them or talk to them.

but i do have a friend who is breaking his heart at the minute over not seeing his dcs regularly. he is supposed to have them 2 weekdays and every other weekend but his Ex is messing him about, not allowing him to have them. so i have seen both sides of it.

Littlepurpleprincess · 09/01/2011 18:21

I would say this is normal. It might not seem right to us but men tend to be more practical and straight forward in their thinking, "if DS is ok then I know everything I need to know" sort of thing.

I asked DP and he says, if he was in your ex's position, he would be focusing on the time they have together, not what he's been up to with you.

stretchmark · 09/01/2011 18:24

I used to often wonder that, my ds is 15 months and his dad hasnt seen him since he was 9 weeks old, it hurt so much that he could come here and hold him and still walk away from him, I used to wonder how he justifies it to himself or if he was plagued with guilt or, if he was just a twat(turns out its the latter) but i do get what your saying, i too ask about every little detail when i leave him.

Beamur · 09/01/2011 18:26

My DP was a lone Dad for a bit (before he met me) and he was keen to see his kids daily.

Meglet · 09/01/2011 18:29

XP hasn't seen the children in over 18 months and I do wonder if he thinks of them or has tried to block them out of his mind.

I daresay he remembers them when the maintenance comes out of his bank but it obviously doesn't bother him enough to sort himself out . He doesn't send birthday or Xmas cards either.

Original poster

Mummalish · 09/01/2011 18:42

Just seems like he is missing out on alot. Although I understand that he obviously must think he's ok, so no need to ring.

I just couldnt do it, but that's me I guess.

OP posts:

Littlepurpleprincess · 09/01/2011 18:43

Some off these are bad but it's not the same as the OP describes is it? He does see his DS reguarly, and if he takes good care of him while he has him and DS is happy, what's the problem? I don't see why he needs to know what he had for breakfast last thursday in order to do that.

Original poster

Mummalish · 09/01/2011 20:01

I am not saying he is not happy, nor am I saying he needs to know what he had for breakfast last thursday in order to be a good father,I am wondering how single fathers feel being away from their children.

OP posts:

stretchmark · 09/01/2011 20:02

Yeah I agree LPP, sorry mummalish lol and now i read the post by LPP i sort of agree, why dwell on whats happened when he can find out for himself what he likes on his days when he has dc!!

Still see original point tho so i'm perching myself firmly on the fence!!

stretchmark · 09/01/2011 20:02

sorry x posted!

FlyingSquirrel · 09/01/2011 20:08

Isn't there some horrifying statistic, something like 5 years after the parents split, only 50% of fathers still see their children?

Littlepurpleprincess · 09/01/2011 20:45

I think fathers have a completely different sort of 'pull' to their children.

I wonder what it is they feel as well, because it ain't what we feel.

JustForThisOne · 09/01/2011 21:34

On a better note tho one of my good friends (male) has a very nasty ex who wont let him see his dd(3) and he's heart broken and is always talking about her even tho he hasnt seen her for months coz the ex has moved away and wont tell him where they've gone. So it turns out some blokes do have a conscience!
I hear sob stories from dads too but somehow I cannot help been very suspicious. I yet have to meet a mum who left the scene because she was ''nasty''. I am not saying there arent of course. The a mum is not telling I am confident it is because she is shit scared. If the dad was a saint (and even if he wasnt) it will not take much to chase up his dc going via the right channels.

Beamur · 09/01/2011 21:35

Curious isn't it. My DP was the main carer for his kids pre-school, he worked part time and his ex-wife went full time because she earned more, so maybe because of that he was more bonded to his kids.
But I think it is true that many (not all) Dads do see less and less of their kids over time when separated/divorced.

Niceguy2 · 09/01/2011 23:43

I actually have been in his situation. When DD was 2.5 I split with their mum for just under 18 months.

During that time I saw DD every other weekend. Now let me say that I love my daughter from the moment she was born. I'd lay down my life for her in a heartbeat.

Yet during those 18 months I now look back and am totally embarrassed about my actions. Its not to say I didn't care. I just got distracted. I tended to focus on what was in front of me. At the time, that was work. Since I didn't have anyone waiting for me at home, I just worked. and worked. Then went out with the lads.

Since that was my primary focus, things like swapping weekends around so I could go on a jolly seemed perfectly reasonable. For me as long as I knew DD was with my ex & I was paying maintenance every month, I was set.

I just didn't stop long enough to think about how my DD felt. Or how my ex felt. Even when I had DD, she often just spent time travelling from A->B with me. Even took her to work a few times.

To be totally honest, it wasn't until we split up the 2nd time and I became the resident parent and the shoe was on the proverbial other foot that I started to realise what a cock I'd been over those years.

Not sure if that helps but there you go.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 10/01/2011 00:09

niceguy i think my EX has sort of the same attitude that you had when you first separated. he is just prioritising what he wants to do rather than what he should do. i think, well i hope one day he will have a wake up call and realise what he has been missing.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 07:40

Niceguy thanks for the input, I had a feeling that was probably the case for my ex, they basically just don't give it any thought, and they jsut forget they are Dad's unless they are in the same shoes as a resident parent themselves.

Extremelychocolatey · 10/01/2011 10:48

My DH loves our DD as much as I do and would be broken if we split up and he did not come home to her every evening. Likewise my DBil is a fabulous father but his wife wants a divorce and he is scared of losing his kids. Hopefully, he will get joint residency as he is every bit as devoted a dad as his wife is a mother.

I think many of the posters on lone parents made really bad choices in whom they chose to father their kids. I also think that some women make it almost impossible for their exes to see their kids. Very sad.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 10:55

Extremely, your post comes across as being quite smug, I hope that your dh is not the 1/2 of all married men that plays away from home.

houseproject · 10/01/2011 11:36

I don't think Extremely is being smug - she is just reflecting how much her DH likes to be involved in their children's lifes.

I do think that solo dads find parenting very hard. A good example was my FIL, he just wasn't a very involved granddad when he was single and we could tell he was uncomfortable with dealing with young children. Since meeting a new partner he is so much more involved (which I know is down to his partner's prompting) and she has given him confidence to be a grandparent and DS loves being with him. I think the difference in style can be down to the male/female differences. An example is that when women meet we ask 'How are you?' and expect details in response. Guys says "How are you?' to each other but don't expect a detailed response!! Dads provide a different parent experience for children - generally they encourage greater independence and higher risk taking. I think as mums we need to recognise this and value the differences. Mums tend to nurture and get totally involved in a child's life whereas a dad will be can be loving & involved but in a more hands off way. I know my ex contributes differently to my dd and I certainly do the nurture/worry/detail stuff but I'm not sure it means I care more.

maledetta · 10/01/2011 11:47

I know a man who hasn't seen his DS since he was a toddler...DS is now 13, and apparently the man is now "unable to sleep for wanting to see his child. No, but he's really feeling guilty, don't you know he's really sensitive, he suffers so much".Apparently he wrote DS one letter, once, a couple of years ago, which ended up in the bin. This from a good friend of mine, who is seeing said arsehole.

So it's great to know that my DS's father, who hasn't made any effort to see him since he was 4 weeks old, will, in future, be able to garner sympathy from women because of how much he's hurting not having seen his child.

As for women making it almost impossible for exes to see their kids: well, they could certainly make things difficult, but a man with parental responsibility has all kinds of rights and could definitely ensure contact with his children, even if it meant going to court.Compare that with a woman trying to get her child's father to live up to his responsibilities and see his child: she has no power whatsoever.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 10/01/2011 12:33

so because a man decides not to play as big a part in his child's life it is the mum's part for choosing a bad father???

how about personal repsonsibility?? i have the potential to be a shitty parent but i chose not to be, i chose to prioritise my children and ensure that i meet their emotional needs aswell as i can. dads have exactly the same responsibilities and it is up to them to live up to them. afterall, they know aswell as women that sex can lead to parenthood.

and i accept that some parents make it very hard for the NRP to have access, although this isn't restricted to women. not willing to mention names but we have a very good example of this with a poster among us whose EX simply refused to return her children one day and she is now fighting to get them back.

"I do think that solo dads find parenting very hard"

yeah, it's a doddle for solo mums.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 10/01/2011 12:44

you know i have heard on here of a few not so great mums (from other posters, not people putting themselves down) and i am aware of a few in RL but i have never ever heard anyone say the dad of the children had picked a bad mum. no it is all the mum's doing if she isn't coping or just doesn't want to, but when it comes to the dad not being so great, that's the mum's fault too now? ridiculous.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:57

ILIWYCMB, I am relieved that it is not just me then, that extremely's ignorant comments caused offence to.

Extremelychocolatey · 10/01/2011 13:11

No my husband doesn't "play away from home", MummieHunnie, and I would question your assertion that 50% of married men are unfaithful.

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