How do single fathers feel?

[Mummalish]

I was thinking about this today.

My ex sees my ds once during the week, and every other weekend on Sat and Sun.

In between that, he does not phone, text or email to find out how ds is, or what he has been up to etc.

I know when I am away from ds, I want to know all the little details, but then perhaps it's because I'm his mum and it's different. Or is it?

I just don't understand how he doesn't want to know the little things, how his weekend was, or what he got for Christmas, or how he's sleeping.

Since we split, my ds has changed, as all kids do, but he has different favourite foods, and songs etc. Ex displays no interest, is this the norm?

I know he loves ds, but wondering how he feels when he is away from him.

I?m an NRP who sees his dd every other weekend with a visit in the week.

In terms of finding out about all the little things that dd does, well on the one hand yes I?d love to be able to witness all those little things, but it?s not possible, and I really don?t want to have a long conversation on the phone every night with XP about it all.

XP does however send me a text most nights along the lines of ? dd had a good day at nursery, in bed now, cold getting better? . I do the same when dd is with me . Really it?s just to make sure they?re both ok.

I do usually sit and have a chat with XP on pick ups / drop offs about parenting issues. If dd has done something particularly funny ( or misbehaved ) XP will tell me about that, as well as changes in her routine that I need to know about.

As for how dd changes, well I can see for myself when she stays with me. I don?t really need her mum to tell me what songs she likes.

But I?d say it?s hard living ones life in a house full of toys and books with no child there most of the time. 11 nights out of 14 I go home to an empty house filled with my daughter?s things. I see her coats and shoes in the lobby, I look in her empty bedroom and all her toys patiently waiting for her, I look at her drawings on the fridge, coloured pencils and paint brushes on the kitchen table, toys in the bath etc? in fact the only room that doesn?t have any trace of her is my bedroom.

How does it feel ? Very, very, very sad.

I feel exactly the same as you, OP, and my ex seems similar to your ex. Co-operative, happy to have the kids when he does (2 nights a week on average), but utterly unbothered about keeping in touch with them at all when they're not with him. DS has a mobile phone now, which I use when he's at his dad, but his dad never phones him on. The DCs are used to this and it doesn't seem to bother them, but it has at times made me rather sad that he seems so unbothered.

However, I'm now with a DP who has 4 kids who he sees only at weekends. He's a great father to them, loves them dearly, worries about them at times and enjoys spending time with them at the weekends and holidays. But in terms of keeping in touch in the week, he's just like my ex. I do feel that the way he relates to them is quite different from me and my DCs. He doesn't have that kind of day to day involvement in their lives in the same way I do. He's always worked full time and has left that kind of full day to day responsibility to their mum. I think he still derives a sense of purpose from the fact that he supports them financially - the traditionally male role.

However, I don't think it has to be that way between men and women - I had a good friend who has his DS 50% of the time, and did really keep in touch every day when he wasn't with him. He felt very much as I think I would if I had to have long stretches apart - anxious about him and missing him. I think the thing that really made the difference in his case was that the DS's mother was pretty hit and miss as a parent. So my friend was feeling like I and most mothers feel I think - that responsibility that it was down to him really to make sure his DS was OK.

So I don't think it's all to do with gender, but if you have two parents, it's quite common for one to take on the main responsibility of caring for the DCs, and the other, if they think their co-parent (whether partner or ex) is doing an OK job, to take more of a back seat and let the other one assume most of the responsibility. It can also be a good sign that your ex trusts you to do a good job and doesn't feel a need to check how the DCs are every day.