Anybody without an ex on the scene?

[justmeandmyselfandthechild]

I'm a single mum and always have been, well since I was pregnant. My ex didn't believe that I was pregnant by him and gave me a lucky escape from having him in our lives and I've been on my own bringing up my DS all along.

I just wondered if there were any other mums in the same situation as I seem to be a rare type with most mums that I speak to having someone involved somewhere along the line.

I guess that in a world where my single mum friends are living on all the money that I have plus CSA payments and having every other weekend off from their child where I'm lucky to get a night off in a month - I'm feelin a little on my own in having no-one to share DS with... not that I'd want my ex around for all the tea in China!!

YES thank god! However I live in fear the bastard will rock up again.

But if he does I will of course support my son if he wants to forge a relationship with his cunt of a Dad.

Hahaha! I know that one far too well, mine is a totally self-righteous git who is very condescending! He is best to keep away for I have not his son, but my son and if he's not dead by the time DS is 21, he can by all means go and find out for himself what a prick he is (if I don't get married to my Prince Charming before then and never have to bring the subject up )

Pleased to see that there's at least one more mum out there in the same boat! Do you ever get green eyed at other LP's "help" from the X?

Me. Although I have managed recently to get ex to pay via the CSA (not what he should as he hid his income, but better than nothing). We have spoken twice in 6 yrs and the last time (this summer) he called ds the 'non-aborted foetus'. His loss. He is a complete and utter twat and I'm relieved that he wants no contact with ds. He wouldn't be the sort of role model or influence I'd want for ds.

I would never say anything bad to ds about his father but I know with absolute certainty if ds does later want contact he will see his father for the sort of man he really is.

It is hard though when you are the only person you know in that position and ds's school friends repeatedly ask ds why he doesn't have a dad.

i will be when the baby comes.

he doesn't even know and would be impossible to track down.

feel bad sometimes that it's a question i won't be able to answer for my baby as he grows up, but reading some of the horror stories on here about exs gives me some comfort, despite the obvious problems of my situation.

I was, have a boyfriend though.
I really treasured the time it was just me and ds though, not living with boyfriend anymore and much prefer it just me and ds in the house again.

justmeandmy if I thought my ex was capable of stepping up to a 50/50 parenting partnership then I might get greeneyed over it however, it is my fault that I chose a substandard, fuckwit of an excuse for a human being as the person my son should call 'Dad' so I feel no jealousy/envy towards those who made better decisions than I.

I am sad that I let my son down in this way however.

I also realise the fault is not just mine - I have stepped up to my responsibilities after all.

Another one here. DD is 12 now and I'm used to it, to be honest I think I'd struggle with co-parenting now that I've been able to make all the major decisions without someone questioning it!

Like TrappedinSuburbia, I really treasure the time we have together and it's quite an intense relationship.

I'm sorry for DD that I didn't pick a better set of genes for her, but I'm glad her bio dad isn't around tbh. I doubt that he could provide a positive role model, with his criminal record, violence and emotional abuse .

Sometimes I feel a pang of envy when I see helpful dads, but I also feel an enormous sense of relief when I read about access or custody wrangles. I also think that dealing with everything on my own has made me a very strong, resourceful person who can deal with DIY, IT and financial disasters better than most mums who just call on their DHs. I'm proud that I didn't give in to dependency and 'find a nice man to look after us' as I was often recommended when DD was first born!

Yes, the dc's haven't seen their 'dad' in over a year. He pays through the CSA but shot himself in the foot by getting thrown out of mediation and refusing to attend the contact centre.

I get so scared in case we see him in town and pray that he doesn't attempt to see them as he gets so nasty . He did send an e-mail saying he would have nothing to do with them until they were 18 when he was sure they would come looking for him .

Day to day it's such hard work, I could do with a rest and someone to talk to but it's not going to happen.

I'm pretty much in the same position although my ex does contact us once or twice a year. He says he'll come and see us soon but he's been saying that for the last 5 years! I've got used to it now but wish I had some extra money coming in. My DS would love a dad though.

Me!

I managed to get an order to stop him re applying for contact. He can't apply again for 6 years without leave of court.

The judge had never made an order like it....... But the ex showed his true colours in the court arena so victory for me!!

Unfortunately the dc had all seen him and his behaviour, they have told me that they are glad he isn't around to embarass them.

Me.

Ex husnband died shortly after ds was born, but had denied he was the father and we were seperated before I found I was pregnant.

Suits me.

My DS's dad lives abroad and so for the last 14 years (since 6 months old and 3) I have brought them up single-handed without any financial help from him...and yes over the years I have felt envious over other LP's weekends or odd night's 'off'and regular maintenance payments. I don't regret leaving him though, although have felt guilty that I haven't been able to be mum and dad simultaneously or financially give them what their friends have. It's been tough, still is, but they are lovely DS's. I've also felt the rare LP without an ex on the scene at all.

Me too. He vanished off while I was pregnant saying he wasn't ready to be a dad yet. Lives abroad too so no chance of bumping into him.

His mum is great though, sends lots of cards and clothes etc for ds, even though she's never been over here to meet him.

After 6 months of nothing I did put the screws on ex saying he'd had long enough to do the decent thing and if he didn't come up with an offer for maintenance I'd be talking him to court. Letter went via his mother who obviously put the screws on him. It's nothine near what he should be paying, but I wanted him to be reminded every month when he wrote out the cheque that he has a child and that can't be ignored.

When school freinds have asked I simply say he has a father but he lives abroad.

Ds would love a dad, has begged me more than once to marry someone so we can be a real family. Doesn't seem to realise it would take someone very special for me to even contemplate that nowadays.

But yeah, never having a break or a rest or free time gets pretty tough. That's why I make sure we get some time away together now so we can escape from the drudgery and find that fun time which can get lost when you're over tired, over stressed and there is no end in sight to chores and the relentlessness of it all.

I'm in the same boat. DS is four and a half and his dad left me for someone else when I was 4 months pregnant. Well, actually he admitted he was cheating so I told him to leave, but same thing really - he didn't put up any resistance or even apologise, so it was pretty obvious he wanted out . Despite my best efforts when DS was first born, he's never bothered seeing DS and only started paying me a pitiful amount of maintenance the month before DS turned three (and I only get that because I chased the CSA constantly and complained to my MP three times, who then pushed my case for me).

I do get a bit envious of other LPs who have every other weekend off and decent maintenance, so they are able to have a social life, but quite frankly my ex would be a terrible role model for DS. He's a disgrace as a father and a pathetic excuse for a man, so I'm glad he's not involved. His choice, but our gain.

So you're not alone but I think we are quite rare - I don't know any other LPs whose ex isn't involved in some way.

Am in the same boat too, my DC havent seen their father for 4 years now. He is more than happy with his new family and his new wife pointed out to me that he has chosen her girls over his own kids. Such a shallow waste of space of a man!

I do miss the opportunities for time out from the DC, but ex did tell the children once that he wouldnt have them because he didnt want to give me a break.

He does send the odd nasty letter every now and again, usually in a birthday card for the kids, but thats about as much contact as we get nowadays, but I think I would find it difficult to hand the DC over to him. I like making the decisions for me and the children and whilst its hard, I wouldnt change it for the world. I do know that at some point in the future the DC may want to contact him, Im dreading that day but its a bridge to cross as and when we get there.

So, no you are not alone, its not a totally similar situation, but like many others, I dont know anyone who has the same situation as me.

Trop - same as me.

No contact for nearly a year. Not since he was arrested when he had ds2 and I went to collect ds2 from police station.

He went to court to gain access (as I denied it) and the judge refused. Made an order of no contact, to be reviewed in 2 years.

Not jealous or envious as I the only single mother I know at school or work. Tbh grateful it's just me and my boys. Trying to rebuild relationship with ds1 (who hated ds2 father form the start and suffered terribly for it).

I know, a single mum of 2 ds by 2 dads

Ps, Family life is very chaotic, work full time, ds1 doing his GCSE's, ds2(5) in breakfast and after school club all week.

Do get envious of 2 parent families who have family support to help them re childcare, housework (my friend in work gets her mum to do all her ironing, and they have the kids everyday as her dh works shifts).

Barely enough time to clean the bathroom properly twice a week, cook evening meal, iron & do lunches for next day and spend "quality"time with my kids. But I wouldn't have it anyo other way.

The boys come first now, above nights out (rare as rocking horse poo), as for a sex life (just call me sister immaculate from now on).....

Rant over

Trop ''I know, a single mum of 2 ds by 2 dads'' I don't think that's a shock. We live in a very different society now and people remarry/split up all the time. I'm married with 2 DC's by same father but I know women with 3/4 children by 3/4 different partners. That's life isn't it.

When I see the hassles that other LP's have when the dad is still on the scene then I feel relieved that it is only me that has the ultimate say, however it was hearbreaking when we would go swimming/to the park etc. when they were little and they would try and join in with the dads playing with their children, but the alternative was bringing them up in an abusive hostile enviroment, so it's a no-brainer really, this is by far the better option. My eldest Ds does have his issues and feels that his dad is a stranger..he has said that he is determined that he will be the total opposite from his dad..always there for his children, do the football stuff etc. Sorry boasting time now, but he is a lovely lovely ds and I'm incredibly proud of him

i'm also in the same boat :)

ex will not see DS which has caused DS a lot of heartache over the years.

i have recently pursued him through the csa, so no doubt he will soon choose unemployment again! have not yet had a payment either.

i do get envious of the arranged time out that friends with exes on the scene get, but i do not envy a minute of the hassle they get. my friends have to put up with access being cancelled at the last minute, ongoing grief from their exes, ongoing abuse from their exes etc.

i have had the freedom to bring up my child my way. he is bright, enthusiastic and polite; he has a working role model (me) and great male role models (friends and family). if his father was in his life he would have an utter shit for a role model, who is spiteful and abusive, and literally has no work ethic whatsoever. if i wanted my DS to eat crap, have a racist attitude, view women as slaves, aim to live off benefits and wear shiny tracksuits then maybe DS' father might be of some use. good luck to bad rubbish :)

same situation as you OP, i was fine at the beginning but i would really like to wangle some sort of wincy lil social life, and i wont admit it in RL but i do get jealous of other lp's who dc's dad to babysit for them or a family who help out, or 2 parent families when the other half can stay in and let you go out(no babysitter charges that way either!)

Oh well, i wouldnt change it so i shouldnt moan!!

Not entirely been on my own since pregnancy, although when pg and the first 13 months ex was too busy shagging, elsewhere to have been any help. He isn't around at all now, no CSA, contact. Again if DS ever wanted to find him I wouldn't stop him, I know where he is.

I'm slightly different though I can't imagine my weekends without DS whilst his father cared for him.

Hi errrm I'm not a single mum BUT I am a single Dad. I have been bringing up my 4 children now for aprox 7 years ages 13 ,11 , 8 an a half and 7 an a half. I have never had 1 night without my children because thier so called Mother cant be bothered to have them even for a night. I am sure there are other single dad's around doing exactly what I am doing. The best thing about bringing them is that I get to se them growing up everyday , my youngest son was 6 mths old when I started as a single parent.

Hi yep I'm in that postion again first time was when pregnant with ds2 their dad could not handle being a dad his words so left Xmas morning leaving me pregnant and with ds1 who was 2

Did 5 years on my own with them ,met my now xh had 2 more dc.things did not work when he realised ds3 was disabled

He had some contact at first but he then tailed it of,has not seen dc in over a year now,pays minimum matiance as he claims incapacity benefit.

Has recentley got in contact wants to see dd but not ds3 as he can't cope with seeing him as makes him sad and the depression worse his bloody words

my solictor wrote back suggesting medation as there's saftey issues with his current partners family ( her brother was done for assualt on a minor and his partner was cautioned for harrasmwnt relating to the assualt

But truth I rather do it on my own.ds 2 now talks to his dad occasionally ds1 has decided ge is not interested in him

Me too. Ds was 6 months when Xh caught a plane with all our money and flew to Thailand. Ds is 3 now.

Took me ages to recover and I never thought I would cope. But love being a LP now. No maintenance as Thailand is not within CSA's jurisdiction. The bastard even left me ten grand overdrawn, which took a year of fighting with Nat West to sort out.

Am not in contact with my family (none of them lives anywhere near us anyway) and H's family cut off all contact when he ran away and don't acknowledge me or Ds in anyway.

But thank god for amazing friends and their families. They have been wonderful.

Yes, the relentlessness of managing takes its toll. I have zero 'clothes' (all charity shop stuff) and very very rarely get a night out. But I am so lucky to have my son I just feel blessed everyday.

Like other posters, I am very glad I don't have to cope with the misery of access or custody rows, seeing him go on to have a new family, or let Ds down by not turning up etc.

His loss. Ds is a lovely child. He knows his daddy 'ran away' but he never asks about him. He will eventually I guess. It will be a tricky one.

Well done to all of us LP mums bringing up our children single-handedly (and LP dads!!)