Anybody without an ex on the scene?

[justmeandmyselfandthechild]

I'm a single mum and always have been, well since I was pregnant. My ex didn't believe that I was pregnant by him and gave me a lucky escape from having him in our lives and I've been on my own bringing up my DS all along.

I just wondered if there were any other mums in the same situation as I seem to be a rare type with most mums that I speak to having someone involved somewhere along the line.

I guess that in a world where my single mum friends are living on all the money that I have plus CSA payments and having every other weekend off from their child where I'm lucky to get a night off in a month - I'm feelin a little on my own in having no-one to share DS with... not that I'd want my ex around for all the tea in China!!

Yep i was thrusted into LP hood when ds was 8 weeks old, his father just walked out and went on holiday with another woman. It took me a good 3 years to get over the muppet who earns really well in his profession but hides his income and claims benefits so when i submitted my app to CSA they wrote back stating i am to receive £5 per week. Not meaning to sound ungrateful but why bother?
Glad i am raising ds on my own though as the few times he has had contact with his ds, ds has ended up deflated and scared as his dad speaks to him like something under his shoe. I nolonger pine over it and just move forward in hope that the next guy i meet would compliment mine and ds happiness.

Joining the chorus.....

But, I often compare my situation with a friend, whose horrible horrible ex now has the standard every-other-weekend-Wednesday- and- holidays arrangement, but did have 50/50 until the last round of court hearings...She has gone through hell. He is a very very nasty man. He also emotionally manipulates the children and tries to turn them against her and her new DP, and I believe it has affected them quite badly.

However, all this horrible hassle has meant that she has had plenty of free time to work and socialise- and to meet lovely new DP.

So...which of us (and our children) is better off? I often ponder this.

Just about to dive into the cesspit and contact the CSA by the way- I know it'll be a long haul, as DS' father is both self-employed and a pathological liar...wish me luck!

One of my chief medium-term goals at the moment: to earn enough to be able to afford a babysitter once a week!

I'm another one without any exes around.

My DS's dad died when DS was nearly 7. We had a civil relationship by that time.

My DD's dad died while I was pregnant (but just to say that he was thrilled and looking forward to being a Dad).

When I read on here the problems that some people have with their exes, I am relieved that I don't have any bitterness and wrangling to deal with.

Oldtimessake Can you not report him for benefit fraud? I certainly would!

I will be joining you all on Christmas Eve.

I feel very naive to have thought that my baby's dad (a so-called friend of ten years) meant what he said about wanting to be involved and contributing financially when we made plans over the last 8 months.

Last weekend, with three weeks to go, he stopped taking my calls and answering messages so I guess he won't be interested in meeting his son at Christmas.

Hi, I've been along with my 3 year old since I was 3 months pregnant. I get the occasional night out when my mum can be persuaded to babysit, but TBH, don't really have anyone to go out with. Finding a B/F who wants to stay in all the time is virtually impossible lol.
On another note, how have you all explained the absent father thing to your children?

CubaCat, he even went to the length of stop claiming benefits so he doesnt have to pay maintenance, he stopped claiming last year November. Funny enough, i contacted CSA, they state that he is not co operating so the the next step will be for them to apply for liability order from the court. Once approved, the next step will be to send round bailiffs. I dont think they would get anywhere as he lives with his girlfriend somewhere, knowone knows where they live, not even his mother. This whole CSA thing is also a stressful, so i just leave for them to deal with, with hope that he will get his cummupance and i get a suprised lumpsum in my bank account. What i dont understand is my ds father has websites, myspace, fb pages advertising his work, but apparently csa who also work with benefit fraud cannot track him down that way.

Janto I've explained by being honest, without bitterness, just giving them the facts. I've very rarely said anything overly negative about him, I learnt the hard way from my Mum who took every opportunity to run my dad down when he left, not that he didn't deserve it, however as a child that was difficult to take, so I always swore that I would never do the same to my ds's (this was for their self-esteem, not their dad)....but truth will out...and now as young men (17 & 14), they have made up their own mind and totally without any prompting hold him in very low regard(which is sad, but I can't blame them). I'm not saying that I've done it the right way..this is just how I've approached it

...oh by the way..I think that he is a selfish, moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, controlling, jealous freak of a tosser (not that I'm bitter!!!)

Thanks Antalya1. I think honesty is the best approach when the time comes.

oldtimesake The CSA are completely useless. I found out the hard way that you have to do their job for them, and chase them regularly, as waiting for them to miraculously come up with the goods will achieve nothing. They won't priorise your case (and thus give themselves extra work) unless you make them prioritise it. I chased the CSA weekly when I first claimed, then fortnightly once things were underway, and most recently I just call them if I need to. I always take the name of the person I speak to and note the date and what was said, and I've always made a point of asking for the case worker personally, then getting their name and extension number for next time. Also, be nice to them - so many people probably ring up and be rude or angry, so being nice to them goes a long way. Oh, and if you still get nowhere write to your MP. I ended up writing to mine three times, but she pushed the CSA for me and my case was escalated and I was put into the 'complains a lot so let's get it sorted to shut her up' category.

My ex has also hidden his earnings from the CSA, claimed to be unemployed (he was actually working cash in hand for a mate), claimed to have been made bankrupt twice in less than 3 years (pile of steaming BS) and (more recently) has been taken to court by the CSA. Luckily there was a judge who told him that if he didn't start paying it wouldn't be a case of whether he would go to jail, but for how long. Ha. I got my first payment just before DS was 3 and since then I've received the life-altering amount of £6.25 per fortnight. Eighteen months on, he's just been reassessed and I should start getting more money shortly, plus backpay for the last 4.5 years that he should have been paying a decent amount. Until I start receiving the higher amount, I'll keep chasing them.

At times it's soul destroying and I almost gave up many times. However, I didn't conceive DS by myself and I strongly believe that if a man fathers a child he should be financially part-responsible for it, whether or not he chooses to actually be a part of the child's life. Now I'm glad I kept going, so don't give up. Can you print off the FB etc. pages that show his employment details and send them to the CSA? I did this with some info about my ex. There must be a record of his whereabouts somewhere - electoral roll, Tax office, benefits office etc. If you have their name and date of birth, they can be found.