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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Dating single dads.

29 replies

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 23:52

There are so many single dads on Match.com. Many with very small children. Am I being unreasonable to think ''What have they done to their ex and their family?'' sorry all homourable single dads out there.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 07/11/2010 00:02

PSM, perhaps it's time to put the bottle down and go to bed.

AMAZINWOMAN · 07/11/2010 07:51

Yes, I can't believe your post is so sexist.
Some women can't handle being a Mum and leave. Some men are better parents than women and the kids are better off with their Dads than Mums.

Women cheat too and decide to leave the home.

You would never think why has that woman been horrible to a man, to make him leave. So why think it the other way around?

I have met some fantastic single Dads and they have it harder than single women. Please don't make it any harder for them.

gillybean2 · 07/11/2010 08:29

I think perhaps if you had said 'what happened in their relationship that caused it to break down and are they on good terms or not with their ex and dc's extended family' then yes I'd probably agree with you.

However that isn't quite qhat you typed...

I think as a single mothers I am curious/cautious as to what happened with a man who was previously in a LTR (whether there are dc or not). In the same way that I know single dads who have significant involvement in their dc's unbringing also are wanting to know if they're going to end up in the same situation (possibly fighting through court to see any new dc).

I am infinately more cautious of single men of my age group who have never had a significant relationship in their past!

HappyWithLife · 07/11/2010 10:23
Hmm
Pan · 07/11/2010 10:41

apology would be quite nice.

BooBooGlass · 07/11/2010 10:44

Hmm,I see psm was on a roll last night Hmm

HappyWithLife · 07/11/2010 10:51

Pan...apologies on behalf of any women like PSM who hold this view. I cerainly don't, but feel rather embarrassed that some do.

Pan · 07/11/2010 11:03

ta! Happy.

The most important relationship I have in my life is with dd. Even if I 'meet someone', that won't change.
I don't live with dd, and belive me more's the shame. It isn't a situation I created or chose, but have adapted to with the point of enhancing dd's life chances.

Niceguy2 · 07/11/2010 12:13

Strange. Out of my circle of friends, without fail it has always been the woman who has called it a day.

None of my friends were abusive wife beaters or drunken layabouts. All are gainfully employed, decent blokes who were the best dad's they could be. The worst you could probably accuse them of is perhaps being a bit lazy with the housework and a bit "boring" because they didn't go out every weekend on the pull, beating their wives etc.

All the women in these relationships were/are looking for greener grass.

So perhaps the real question when looking at those profiles of single dad's should have been: "What have the women done to them and their family?"

TrillianAstra · 07/11/2010 12:19

"Out of my circle of friends, without fail it has always been the woman who has called it a day."

Well yes, because they are your friends and they are presumably lovely and not wifebeaters or emotional abusers. You wouldn't be friends with them if they were.

I only just realised this is in Lone Parents so maybe I should bugger off, but wanted to step up in defense of single dads.

There is no reason that you should assume a single dad is any less of a wonderful guy than anyone else. What you do have is a very useful key to tell which of the single dads are lovely and which are tossers: how they talk about their children. Single guys without children it's harder to tell if they are tossers or not.

crace · 07/11/2010 12:24

We don't all feel this way, in fact I am looking for men with children, as they might understand the impact my own have in my life....

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, I would hate to think that someone thought this of me. Though, by the way, I wasn't the one who left my marriage..

Teaandcakeplease · 07/11/2010 12:30

I know what you mean PSM, I think as I have been hurt so badly by my H though, it has warped my view of men somewhat. The very same thought crosses my mind (sorry Pan and others) However I do know it's not entirely logical as I have 4 brothers all happily married who are decent men and I've met lots of men on my divorce and separation recovery course who've had tragic situations happen to them with their Ex's, where the woman did indeed end it, mostly due to an affair. However I suspect people looking for help recovering from the pain of loss are likely to be those left of course. You're not generally going to attend a recovery course for separation if you've ended it to move in with a lover are you? Slight generalisation of course but what I am trying to say in a very very roundabout way is that I do understand why it crossed your mind. But I know not all men are bastards whether single dads or other. I accept I am not at a stage yet though where I am ready to go on match.com or any other dating website though. I'm still hurting I think despite it being a year ago we separated. I am hoping in the years to come no thoughts like that will enter my head at all Smile

Goodness me if my post makes any sense at all, I'll be impressed. I also apologise for any typos as I'm just about to head out the door with my 2 DCs.

elastamum · 07/11/2010 12:35

I am interested why people have got divorced as past behaviour is always a reasonable predictor of future behavior.

NG the majority of divorces are instigated by women regardless of the cause. I divorced my ex after his 3rd affair - according to his mates, the story is that it was all very amicable we just drifted apart!!!

I have dated men who's wives have left them and others who were definatley players. There are all sorts of men out there - and all sorts of women too. I dont have a problem with single dads, but it is a big red flag to me if they dont support their own children or rant on about their ex.

ChaoticAngel · 07/11/2010 13:14

It's never occurred to me to wonder what the reasons are for there being so many single dads. I just assume that their relationships, like mine, ended for a reason. I'd only be interested in finding out what the reason was if I was considering a relationship with one. As I would never date a single dad it's not something I'm ever likely to think about.

whiteandnerdy · 07/11/2010 13:19

I'm a single dad, and I can understand PSM's post. Possibly it's due to the baggage we bring with us from our previous relationships and experiences. We want to use the knowlege we've gained from our previous relationships without unduly taring people with the same brush.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 07/11/2010 13:22

Hi all. Am more sober now. Of course I am not sexist although my post does come across as sexist.
It's just that because dds dad left us and behaved like an arse I now ask why the man isn't trying to make it work harder if he has a very small child. There are many men on Match with tiny babies.
And yes I do realise that it may be the woman's fault and why shouldn't he move on but it will always be one of my questions when I start dating a dad. Why did their relationship not work? I won't rule them out but I will observe very carefully.
I would also expect a man to ask the same about me.

I have a lot of respect for the single dads who see their kids regularly and pay for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 07/11/2010 13:26

Oh yes- and I am genuinely sorry if have caused offense to all the fantastic single dads out there. All my dates have been with single dads so far. Probably because we ''get'' that side of things and all have been very nice; just not for me. I am not little miss perfect but if dds dad hadn't buggered off I'd have given it everything to try to make it work.

OP posts:
RealityBomb · 07/11/2010 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 07/11/2010 13:38

I went on a date with a man who had a ten month old and he told me that their relationship had ''died'' years ago. So why get her pregnant then?

Of course everyone's case is different.

I don't blame men for not wanting to take on my baggage but fair play to those who try!

OP posts:
justonemorethen · 07/11/2010 21:21

I'm with NiceGuy2 on this but I don't think actually it makes it any better.

Women do leave nice men but lets think why women leave these lovely, safe, non offensive chaps.
IMO it's because the only women they go for are strong independent even nutty types who need a strong bloke to rein them in.
Think Katie Price/Peter Andre (and I don't think Alex is actually strong in any way other than physical).

So basically I won't think a single bloke is is a bast*d but a bit er wet?
Really sorry NG2 I'm sure this doesn't apply to you. It is a massive sweeping statement (been on AIBU too long).

MaMoTTaT · 07/11/2010 21:27

and I tell you the ones to REALLY watch for - are the ones that are "advertising" themselves as childless while looking for a "long term relationship" when in actual fact they have not one, not two, but three children already.

I can warn you of at least one of those I know of on PoF......

readywithwellies · 07/11/2010 21:45

When I met my DP I was a LP. I was looking for someone who would understand that my children would come first. I met DP via internet. He is LP, with residence, and he has the same priorities as I do.

I wondered what had happened. I considered he could be abusive or nasty in some way for his EXW to have left him and but more so leave her dd. Just seeing DP with his dd, I konw this isn't the case. I have also seen plenty of unbiased documentation to show why exw left.

I now understand that some mothers just do leave their children, even though I could never fully understand how they could come to this decision, as I have not been in their shoes. (AIBU thread recently opened my eyes a little)

However, I would be giving any men a wide berth if they did not have contact with their children (or have made a real effort).

RealityBomb · 07/11/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justonemorethen · 07/11/2010 22:40

RBomb

What on earth is going on in his head though? She's thinking I'm the one to change him.

What on earth does he think he gains? Housekeeping?

If anything proves they are from Mars that's it.

Niceguy2 · 07/11/2010 23:16

Well yes, because they are your friends...

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