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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Original poster

daughter in relationship with girl

50 replies

oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:00

I'm a regular but changed name due to family members on here and not ready for questions yet.
Please bear with me, long, but need some advice.
DD started hanging about with a girl who dresses/looks/acts/hangs out with boys, my dd actually thought she was a boy to start with. They are now together all the time. This girl hasn't met me yet, think she will soon now, think she was abit worried....But we have started talking on the phone and texting. On the phone the other day, talking for hours, i asked if they were in a relationship the girl said yes, thought my dd had already told me and asked if i was ok with that. My dd just avoids questions when i ask. This girl seems nice. But i don't understand the whole looking like a boy thing.
My biggest worry tho is that i let my dd go over all the time, she stays over night, in same bed as far as i can work out. Now if this was a boyfriend i wouldn't let her do that!! I seem very relaxed but wanted your views if you would give them please!

This other girl had a two year relationship at 11 nearly 12 and is now nearly 16 my dd is 16 and until now has always been very popular with the boys!!

Any advice you can give me would be great. Thank you.

OP posts:
electra · 06/05/2010 14:18

In your shoes I would not be worried. If she's happy with this girl, that's what matters.

ShinyAndNew · 06/05/2010 14:24

A lot of girl experiment with their sexuality when they are younger. I know myself and my sister both did. She may or may not be gay, either way does it matter if she is happy?

The only advise I can give you is accept that it is what it is and support your daughter.

If it's just the sex thing that is bothering you talk your daughter and tell her you would prefer her to wait. I wouldn't stop her staying over, if they are going to have sex, they are going to have sex, anywhere they can if needs be. If it was my dd I'd rather her be in the safety of someone's home.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:25

thanks electra for replying.

I kind of think the same way, but was just bit worried as if it was a boy i wouldn't be letting them sleep in the same bed more or less every night!

Still, i'm just probably making problems where there aren't any

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:26

thank you shiny, thats more or less how i've been handling it really, so all good then

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Marne · 06/05/2010 14:30

oksonowwhat- You sound like a great mum, you sound very understanding and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your dd.

Cary on doing what you are doing.

DumpyOldWoman · 06/05/2010 14:32

The only thing that seems strange is that you are texting and having phone cnversations with the girl!

There is nothing to worry about re your dd having a relationship with a girl, as long as she is happy and confident about it. Just be relaxed and positive in your communication with your dd and let it be known that you will always support her and answer her questions whenever she has any. And be on her side if any fuss starts from family.

I don't know what I think about the bed thing. She is 16, so of age, it seems a well founded relationship, so I probably wouldn't worry.

I think the looking like a boy thing is neither here nor there, really.

(I have experience of having residence of a gay DSS who came out at 14/15)

Fayrazzled · 06/05/2010 14:35

I too think it is weird you are spending hours on the phone talking to this girl and texting her. Is this what mums do now with their teenage daughters' friends? I'd have been mortified if my mum had had a relationship like that with any of my friends.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:37

dumpy, yes i see where you're coming from about the phonecalls, seems abit strange. But she got my mobile number from dd and has txt me everynow and then if can't get hold of dd. And the phone calls are sometimes at night when my dd is somewhere else she calls for her and then stays on and chat. To be honest i think she was trying to suss me out see if i was nice or not! Maybe shes worried about seeing me since my dd was straight until she met her!!! Oh i don't know!!!!

I am supporting her, but silently i think as dd doesn't speak about the relationship as such just goes on about the girl all the time.
As for dressing up as a boy, that did confuse me as i wondered if it was an issue, is she a boy in a girls body all that sort of stuff!!!!

thank you for replying.

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sophieandbelly · 06/05/2010 14:41

y r u texting and on the phone to ur daughters girlfriend?? thats the odd bit!!

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:42

sophie...you still think thats odd after reading why i think she calls me? I think shes abit shy maybe.... I think it will be ok when she eventually gets the courage to come here.

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:44

Well, i think it is what kids do nowadays...whilst i've been on here three of her male friends have been txting me whilst their in class!!! I thought it was just frienly! Although i did tell them to gt off their phones and do some work!!

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:45

marne, thats nice was starting to feel abit of a weirdo

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sophieandbelly · 06/05/2010 14:50

just think it a bit weird u have her number wen u havnt even met her, thats all

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 17:36

You haven't really read my posts properly i don't think. My dd gave her my mobile number and obviously she gave her our home number. She gave her my mobile number so that if her battery runs out when she's out with her then she or i can get in touch. Sensible really. Then the other girl began txting just to let me know details of pick ups and stuff and then it led on to txting just nice friendly 'hellos' and stuff. No big deal. Have you got teenagers Sophie? My kids friends are always txting me and i know they do it to other mums aswell!

That wasn't my issue it was advice on a new lesbian relationship really!

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LeninGrad · 07/05/2010 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 07/05/2010 19:05

leningrad, that is so helpful, thank you

The not getting pregnant bit is what i have been really pleased about really! No chance of that

I'm cool about it, she seems to be really caring and sweet with dd, so thats great.

Will just see how it goes, hope dd will actually talk about it evenutally tho!

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LeninGrad · 08/05/2010 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 08/05/2010 17:06

leningrad, thanks for the link, will take a look.

So lovely to read that you have such a happy life now

Took in everything you said and will offer support and just listen and see what happens.

thank you again.

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flatpackassemblyDiva · 09/05/2010 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 10/05/2010 23:29

thank you flatpack. This is all new with me so going with the flow

Feel abit happier now, i actually met her this weekend She was so so nervous!! Was trying to talk but seemed scared to look at me! But shes only young so guess its hard for her. But she was just so lovely and you could tell she thinks the world of my dd

If i'm honest, it was a little strange seeing my dd with her girlfriend, but i'm not sure if i actually felt strange just thought i should feel strange, iyswim!!!

They are so young and she was really so sweet, shes coming over to stay soon.

Funny thing is, my dd was so relaxed about it, just introduced us, shes never done it formally like that before!!! I really like her

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 26/06/2010 23:02

I thought i might update you! Sometimes i read posts and then wondered what happened! Anyway, so if anyones interested...... Well, my dd brought her girlfriend round to stay the night about four/five weeks ago and i can say that apart from her needing to go back home for work or exams she has hardly left since!!! Her mum seems fine about this as she pops in there every now and again.

I can't help thinking it is all abit intense but they just don't want to be apart!!! A few of my friends and family have now met her and that seemed to go ok. My mum has met her but doesn't know whats going on, although how she doesn't realise i will never know as they are so tactile all the time!!

She is such a lovely girl, it is all still new to me, but as a person she is just lovely and so sweet with my dd.

I don't know if this is an awful thing to say but i feel like she is a man in a womans body, is that awful to say? She dresses and acts like a boy all the time and anyone looking at her would think she was a boy...this is the only thing that confuses me a little. I do sometimes wonder if my dd just thinks shes a boy!!!?? Oh i don't know....! Sometimes to think too much makes things too complicated, if i just accept them both as they are everything is lovely and normal to us

I would love any comments about this that anyone cares to make!

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Chatelaine · 27/06/2010 23:51

If this is the first proper sexual experience for your daughter then it must be lovely for her. Not all relationships last and so no reason to assume her sexuality is fixed at this young age. Maybe it's an experimental phase, sounds like you are handling it well, but imo no need to encourage them further or facilitate them too much.

flatpackassemblyDiva · 28/06/2010 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 28/06/2010 00:56

Oh i love the replies you have both given me i really do, thank you.

The removal van joke!!!! Oh my god, is that what its really like? Why then? Is it just much more of an intense relationship with two women then?? That removal stuff is just what its like though, we have more of her clothes here than i think she has left at home!!

I love what you also said about her being in no doubt that she is a girl, yes, i should have thought about that before i typed it lol!

I also have worried that maybe i am letting them 'get on with it all' too much, but it is hard to know when to stop or why they should stop. If it was a boy i certainly wouldn't be letting him sleep in her bed every night, hypocritical i suppose but true.

Thank you all again, its lovely and helpful to have someone to chat to.

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 16/07/2010 23:50

Wow you are so right, this relationship is so intense!!!

Slowly, very slowly people are starting to find out they are a couple, which i am pleased about. They have been invited to their first party as a couple whereas usually they go with their own friends and meet up. So thats nice for them.

I am just finding it a little difficult, say, when people ask my where my dd is or something, i feel i can't say shes with her girlfriend as they will be shocked and also im not sure my dd and her partner are ready for it to be blurted out so have to watch what i say all the time at the moment.

Apart from that everything is going really wll i think

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