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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Original poster

daughter in relationship with girl

50 replies

oksonowwhat · 06/05/2010 14:00

I'm a regular but changed name due to family members on here and not ready for questions yet.
Please bear with me, long, but need some advice.
DD started hanging about with a girl who dresses/looks/acts/hangs out with boys, my dd actually thought she was a boy to start with. They are now together all the time. This girl hasn't met me yet, think she will soon now, think she was abit worried....But we have started talking on the phone and texting. On the phone the other day, talking for hours, i asked if they were in a relationship the girl said yes, thought my dd had already told me and asked if i was ok with that. My dd just avoids questions when i ask. This girl seems nice. But i don't understand the whole looking like a boy thing.
My biggest worry tho is that i let my dd go over all the time, she stays over night, in same bed as far as i can work out. Now if this was a boyfriend i wouldn't let her do that!! I seem very relaxed but wanted your views if you would give them please!

This other girl had a two year relationship at 11 nearly 12 and is now nearly 16 my dd is 16 and until now has always been very popular with the boys!!

Any advice you can give me would be great. Thank you.

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AbricotsSecs · 16/07/2010 23:58

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Gay40 · 16/07/2010 23:59

Sounds like you're doing OK to me. Don't worry so much. Apart from the "coming out" thing, it's not much different from other teenage goings-on. It may be a phase, it may be her entire life, no-one ever knows, but it's good she feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 17/07/2010 00:08

Thank you for your comments

Yes, one thing i have realised these past few months is that it is very much like any other teen relationship. Well, more intense, i think but all the same problems etc.,!

One other thing, i have really noticed how two girls together are so much 'nicer' to each other than if this was a boy/girl relationship. Its really nice, i hadn't expected this. Say if one of them is upset about something, they really care about it, whereas boys don't really 'get' stuff that girls do! Am i making sense here?

I actually think this is all making my daughter a nicer person, she is so considerate with her girlfriend(never been like that with a boy!) and because this girl is really caring it seems to have passed on to my daughter!

Is this kind of what most lesbian relationships are like? All seems so much more gentle than a boy/girl relationship. Hope you don't mind me asking this.....anyone?

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Gay40 · 17/07/2010 00:19

I think it appears more gentle because it's two girls. Although my straight friends say they envy our very tactile relationship.
DD (8) asked me "Why do boys 'shove'?" and demonstrated their jostling about which gets on her nerves (she prefers the boys who talk to her like a person WITHOUT shoving).
However: no lesbian relationship is like any other lesbian relationship. Despite the stereotypes

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 17/07/2010 00:31

Thank you for replying

Thats interesting, especially what your dd said!

These two are very tactile too. Ok, I get what your saying, all relationships are different I think i'm just used to the men ive been involved with being quite 'standoffish' and completely useless to have a decent conversation with! Hence, why i am single again So to see these two being so loving and gentle and caring is abit of an eyeopener for me.

Thanks again.

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LeninGrad · 17/07/2010 07:31

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LesbianMummy1 · 17/07/2010 07:45

Just to echo what others are saying you seem to be coping well. Your dd seems happy I think it would be hard now if you suddenly laid down rules if they are being respectful of your feelings etc I would say let them control things within their relationship. Why not speak to your dd and see how she feels about you being honest with other people I know for me after coming out I did not care who knew and found it a lot easier if people knew as opposed to living a lie. Your daughter my hit up against some prejudices but it sounds like you would support her if she did. Hope all goes well for you all

Gay40 · 17/07/2010 14:28

Neither of us are tomboyish or butch, and DD is very girly. This flummoxes people far more than if one of us looked like a man.

LeninGrad · 17/07/2010 14:38

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 17/07/2010 14:40

I don't "get" butch women. Why would anyone wish to look like a man?

LeninGrad · 17/07/2010 14:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 17/07/2010 14:46

As a woman who likes women, I prefer them to look like women. But each to their own.

LeninGrad · 17/07/2010 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 22/07/2010 01:06

Really good to hear these views, thank you. Actually you have made me realise something SO important! How could i possibly think about mentioning to someone i speak to, who may be askin me where dd is etc., that she is with her girlfriend, without even asking how she feels about me being open like that! We will have a chat

I know she doesn't mind her friends etc., catching on about her relationship now as they all seem to realise now. In the beginning it was supposed to be a secret so she is definately alot more laid back about it now.

The girlfriend looks completely like boy but the more i get to know her i realise she is actually in touch with her feminine side (that sounds abit stupid, sorry!) But she must just like looking that way. My dd obviously likes what she sees anyway!

Anyway, im totally happy for them both. Like Gay40 said each to their own.

I have to say though, i am abit worried about the grandparents reactions, they are abit stuck in their ways to say the least!!

Thank you all for taking the time to give me your opinions and advice, really appreciate it.

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LesbianMummy1 · 22/07/2010 08:51

My Grandad was very stuck in his ways and was my biggest concern as we were so close. I told him and his exact words at 79 years old were "I would rather you were happy with a woman than with a man who hit you" he got on so well with my dp that all my other relatives accepted her and still speak highly of her relationship with him. Sadly he died over 2 years ago but dp was never treated differently and in fact my Grandad treated her like a grand daughter too

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 23/07/2010 09:02

Thats lovely, sounds like a really lovely Grandad

My mum has already said that she can't bear the thought of lesbian relationships, that was when i told her my daughters new 'friend' might possibly be lesbian. She asked because she thought the girl was a boy so i explained.......abit..

The other grandmother might be working things out because she mentioned the other day that my daughter might "have a problem with men" due to my failed relationship with her son........

I can't stand these pathetic opinions and also the fact that they tell me as if i should agree with them....no chance.

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sexisnotthatgreat · 09/09/2010 23:37

:)

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 16/10/2010 00:41

Just thought i'd let you know that all is going well, the odd upset here and there but apart from that they are both so happy!

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NurseSunshine · 21/11/2010 10:28

I think the view that women only like other women because they've been hurt by men can be quite common, esp. in older people. All you can do is educate

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 23/11/2010 23:20

nursesunshine, i suppose you could be right. I can't educate the grandmother, she won't listen to anyone!

I think they are getting the idea about whats happening, they would be strange if they didn't by now! Or maybe they just think shes a close friend!

Things are going so well. Its lovely to see my dd so happy and her girlfriend is here most of the time and is a real family member nowSmile

We do have the odd upset. My dds girlfriend still sees abit of her 'old' girlfriend at college and my dd is so jealous about it, even though shes at the same college!! So many tears and tantrums, and then it all settles down and they're loves young dream again!!!

Just thought i'd update anyone who might be interested!

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Original poster
oksonowwhat · 20/01/2011 23:27

Just posted an up date to this post in chat. Things have got abit more complicated.

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kandle · 31/01/2011 20:04

Hi,
I've just picked up this thread and am intruiged to know more.

I'm a lesbian expecting a baby, sounds like you've been doing a great job.

x

dinamo · 24/10/2011 00:51

Hi, just recently read this thread and I'm intrigued how its all worked out?

Teenage years are easy for no one being a bit different makes it even weirder, hope things have gone well however they've turned out with everyone concerned.

ScaryFairy28 · 31/10/2011 17:46

Curious as to how this ended up but cant find it in chat.

Original poster
oksonowwhat · 07/12/2011 18:52

Hi sorrySmile Must be like getting half way through a book and then losing it!

Well...its been quite an up and down year or so!! Would you believe they are still togetherGrin!! My dd has broken up with the girl now and again and actually had a very short relationship with a lad, that didn't last long!! Sometimes they say they are not a couple but the girl stays at ours more or less every night, the only nights she doesn't seem to stay is if they are seeing separate friends so its not practical. I think they say they are not a couple when it suits then, or really when it suits my dd, she has a little flirt with the boys i think but always comes back to this girl.

The girlfriend is adorable and i get upset myself when i think my dd is mistreating her, funnily enough the g/f seems to understand that my dd is maybe just a little confused still and trying things out and they always seem to get back together! It has been a good/quite last few months thoughSmile

Most people, family/friends have seemed to guess that they are a couple. My parents seem cool about it whereas for a while they said the girl was 'weird' which i didn't like to hear, i've explained before about her choice of dress/appearance. But now they adore her too! How things change!!!!

Things are by no means calm all the time. Oh my goodness me when they fight they REALLY fight. Never known so many emotions and shouting and sometimes physical fighting.

I have definately aged abit!!!

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