Dd 14 came out to family, now she feels they are gossiping about her

[creaturcomforts]

Dd who is now 14, has explained to me that she is gay, I think it was hard for her to tell me, have explained that it doesnt matter to me as she is my child, but I have explained to dd, that people might not be understanding and I've tried not to make a big deal of it and let it play out, as I dont necessarily know at 14, if you can be fully aware, and that there's alot of time to think and deal with feelings. She and I have argued alot about this and j have told her I don't mind in any way how she identifies as long as she is sure, she came out to her uncle but he had told her nan, after she asked him to keep it a secret,as she didn't want anyone else to know and thought he would be understanding.

My mum had told me and had said my brother had called her the same day saying "guess what" dd is gay, she told me about this like it was gossip, I'm so angry at the pair of them as it was her choice to tell anyone and it's a sensitive subject! Really angry with them both right now and upset for dd

I feel really irrationally angry about this and am wondering wether to bring it up with my brother, since dd had told me she specifically asked him to not tell anyone and is quite sensitive about it, should I confront him?

No. Don’t confront anyone and stop arguing with your daughter.

You are making this into way more of a drama than it needs to be.

Heddagarbbled, it's not a big deal to me.. more to my dd who feels her confidence had been betrayed, I'm open minded not making a 'big deal' but you obviously feel that my 14 yr olds feelings are not important as she must be too young to have an opinion, and it's not important in your opinion!?

I dont necessarily know at 14, if you can be fully aware, and that there's alot of time to think and deal with feelings

I'm trying to work out if this is a really subtle way of saying this could be a phase. Is it? In which case no wonder she's arguing with you.

Now is the time for a united, supportive front.

I was just explaining I'm my not too clear way, that an adolescent may not be completely clear about their gender or sexuality as they are still growing and changing she is only 14 for God's sake, but shes really clear about how she feels and I will always love and support her no matter what.

I just feel I needed to put it out there for her that it doesnt .matter her choice but trying not to influence her either way, and trying to be neutral.

She definitely felt her that her nan knows and I told her as she would have found out , but she specifically asked her uncle NOT to tell anyone!

Thank you mrs Terry pratchett, yes it could be a phase, tbh that was my initial reaction and to minimise the discussion, dd has made it her way of life and so I'm not sure now.. can you decide at this age? I certainly wouldn't have, and dont really understand how she feels so inclined towards any opinion.. I mean at 14 I wasnt interested in boys either !! She is very sure....

I knew without a shadow of a doubt I liked boys/men at 14. It's only gay kids that 'could be having a phase'. Please don't question that part. Please.

Not sure why I'm getting hassled here! I've supported my dd just had some reservations as a mum who knows her dd, and that they are still growing and learning, I will support her no matter what! The question is should I confront my brother about betraying dd confidence by telling my mum, as dd is sensitive about this.

It's not hassle, honestly. Just a suggestion that you believe her implicitly and have her back.

Then it won't matter so much to her what the rest of the family thinks because she's got her mum in her corner.

Mrs Terrypratchett , I dont understand what you mean?

All the best for your dd, op, truth is it seems the majority of humans , when you say keep x private, most people then suddenly have to say to x, what they have been just told. It's certainly puzzling, a person I know seems to be of similar perspectives say x and before you know it, it's common knowledge, seems like the art of tradecraft is not holding as much water as it used to.

I mean that if you accept her without questioning or arguing, she is more likely to develop what's called an internal locus. It means she will make her own mind up if she is sad or angry or guilty. Not care what other people think.

It's a bit complicated but basically you're saying, "tell me what's important to you and as your mum, that's what's important to me" and that's what they care about. Not her nan or uncle. Then they can gossip or not. Who cares?

Although you say you will support her no matter what, you also say you have argued a lot. That doesn’t sound very supportive to me. Just stop it. Stop talking about it. Stop trying to pin her down about whether she’s “sure” or not. Leave her be.

Dont think people understand teenagers tbh!! Dd is ready to fight the whole world about her opinions even though no one is out to get her lol, and actively picks fights with me for no reason sometimes, have you never heard of teenage angst? Dd had a boyfriend only 4 months ago, she's incredibly opinionated and strong willed,please dont tell me you know my daughter more than I do, and suggest I've let her down in some way, as that's not the way she sees it..

You now best then, all good.

Yes ok, there is a back story in that she has been through alot her dad has walked out a couple of years ago, it's not just a case of I havent believed her, it's more that I want her to be happy and focus on herself, and her life, I'm extremely worried about her, she didn't (understandably) cope well when her dad left, have been there for her, she knows this! More that she asks to be called a different name and I sometime forget to call her that and she gets angry. I'm not unsupportive and I wonder if parents of teens will understand the whole arguments over nothing.

I dont mind people picking , I dont have any guilt! What i really wanted to know was wether my family (brother and mum) should have been discussing this without my dd's permission!!!

Since when did I say I have been pinning her down and I have been arguing, lol, not alot of experience of teens lol! It's not me that hasn't been supporting her, typical biased mumsnet lol!!

Arguing implies a two way conversation, I should actually explain that teens can have a conversation and argument with a brick wall, I have never ever not supported my dd and love her unconditionally, typical internet immediate judgement, without knowing anything about the situation, oh my god!

Yup, as I thought, people really don't understand what it feels like, or is like, to be gay in this day and age, the comments really make no sense and dont support dd or me in any way, I'm obviously posting in the wrong place!

Thanks mrsterrypratchett, I 'now' best!!! Lol, sorry couldn't resist!!

I'm leaving the thread. But just in case you want a little advice, try to think about this... You've posted 5 argumentative, vaguely mean, slightly dismissible, pretty insulting answers to this thread when no one was replying. You've insulted the site, my grammar, the internet, people's understanding. What you haven't done is read and thought that there might be anything in what people were writing.

I've had an insight into how your DD may feel talking to you, I wonder if you can. My mother couldn't. I was a stroppy, argumentative, contrary teenager. But I actually wasn't. It was a defense mechanism against my mother's theory that she was always right. She doesn't know that now at almost 80 so I doubt you'll hear it.

Good luck.

Also, she actually does care about what people say about her and discuss her behind her back, when it's her family that she specifically asked not to, it would certainly bother me! Would it not bother you? Despite your opinion I actually do have my own childs back and have had through alot of hard times, she knows this and I think argues with me as she knows that no matter what she says she will not be abandoned or minimised by me, and a chance for her to voice her opinion in a safe place.

Dont understand the negative comments here, I mean honestly, you know nothing about the situation but have nothing to mention about other members of the family talking about a young teen when she asked them not to in confidence, but seem to want to attack me for some reason?!

In support of @MrsTerryPratchett it's whether and a lot. Don't pick up on someone's spelling/grammar etc when you make mistakes yourself.

People are commenting because in your first post you said

"dont necessarily know at 14, if you can be fully aware, and that there's alot of time to think and deal with feelings. She and I have argued alot about this"

Which implies you have argued with her about her not knowing her sexuality at 14. You have then ranted at anyone who has commented.

Just support her and don't imply it's a phase. I get she argues - but from this thread you seem to be quite argumentative too - maybe you don't realise how aggressive you sound. And yes I am experienced with teens. I have one and I teach many.

It is wrong that her uncle blabbed to her nan.

Very considered and wise posts @MrsTerryPratchett!

OP, you seem to be doubting your DD. She will learn not to tell secrets to untrustsworthy people. Her uncle shouldnt have gossiped and now you know what type of person he is.

I wonder where dd gets her argumentative streak from?🤔