Dd 14 came out to family, now she feels they are gossiping about her

[creaturcomforts]

Dd who is now 14, has explained to me that she is gay, I think it was hard for her to tell me, have explained that it doesnt matter to me as she is my child, but I have explained to dd, that people might not be understanding and I've tried not to make a big deal of it and let it play out, as I dont necessarily know at 14, if you can be fully aware, and that there's alot of time to think and deal with feelings. She and I have argued alot about this and j have told her I don't mind in any way how she identifies as long as she is sure, she came out to her uncle but he had told her nan, after she asked him to keep it a secret,as she didn't want anyone else to know and thought he would be understanding.

My mum had told me and had said my brother had called her the same day saying "guess what" dd is gay, she told me about this like it was gossip, I'm so angry at the pair of them as it was her choice to tell anyone and it's a sensitive subject! Really angry with them both right now and upset for dd

Yes I agree, I don't think I've explained very well and that's my fault, dd has had some pretty life changing and difficult times, her dad walked away 2 years ago and completely stopped contact, she then about a year ago had a pretty serious boyfriend who she wanted to see all the time, after wondering wether I should or not, I stopped it after doing the wrong mum thing and checking her texts and finding out he had been asking for nude pictures from my then 12 yr old daughter. At the time she was very angry with me for keeping them apart and spying on her, she has had counselling for her dad abandoning her and she understandably takes out alot of anger on me, she can pick fights over nothing and has said she is scared I will leave her too, I have tried to reassure her over and over that I will never do that. We are close and she needs me there all the time, but she does sometimes take her frustrations out on me, she told me she is gay, I said that's no big deal... she can actually pick fights for no reason as she has no one else to voice or take out her anger on, as she has no other family member!

That is the REAILTY of having only one parent! All of your frustrations are directed to that one person, if anyone actually knew my dd and how close we are you would not be judging, I got upset only because people seemed to be being aggressive in saying I was not supporting my dd in her sexuality without the full facts or knowledge!

Only a few posters who actually read the post actually commented on wether family members should have 'outed' my daughter without her permission, which to me is a big betrayal of trust, and seemed to focus on me, when I never once said that I had any problem with dd?

I'm then accused of being aggressive after being accused of being a bad mum basically??

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm leaving the thread. But just in case you want a little advice, try to think about this... You've posted 5 argumentative, vaguely mean, slightly dismissible, pretty insulting answers to this thread when no one was replying. You've insulted the site, my grammar, the internet, people's understanding. What you haven't done is read and thought that there might be anything in what people were writing.

I've had an insight into how your DD may feel talking to you, I wonder if you can. My mother couldn't. I was a stroppy, argumentative, contrary teenager. But I actually wasn't. It was a defense mechanism against my mother's theory that she was always right. She doesn't know that now at almost 80 so I doubt you'll hear it.

Good luck.

Perfectly put - I agree with all of this.

I'm sorry if I came across as aggressive, and upset anyone, genuinely, that was not my intention, I do know my dd very well, I'm not bothered by anyones sexuality or judging of anyone, if you knew my background or occupation you would realise this, also I come from incredibly judging parents myself, which is part of the reason I'm upset about this reaching my mum, who then brought it up to me like it was gossip, my dd is vulnerable and I just feel I need to protect her from judgemental people, this brings up a situation with my family that I know are judgemental, but I don't want dd exposed to, yes I'd be prepared to tell them how i feel and that it's wrong, but only if dd felt that way. I told her , gently what had happened and she was shocked and a bit hurt , as she had asked her uncle not to tell anyone, and it had been a big deal for her to talk about, just cross as apparently the next day he called his mum and said hey guess what, my mum put it this way..

I'm finding it really judgemental on here, I guess people are bored and just finding fault for no reason, as I said before, dd has had some emotional problems understandably and anger issues, shes been through alot and I totally understand quite honestly why she would want to take things out on me, it doesnt necessarily mean that I've ever disagreed or not supported her!

Armchair detectives that immediately jump to a conclusion without knowing facts and the actual situation, what's the problem?

People just seem to be spoiling for a fight for some reason, covid boredom?....

So then, the actual consensus on this post is that it's totally ok to out someone as gay without their permission, because their only 14, but not ok for a teenager to lecture their mum, I worded it completely wrong in a way, as I dont care what sexuality or gender my dd has, but I DO know that they've been through alot and have been confused before..I actually trust my dd, but there are times I need to protect her, I'm always worrying, anyway she does NOT feel that I don't support her, please dont imply this to a person with no facts, it's been very bullying on here , I'm not trying to pick fights, just hurt that my family outed my dd without her permission, to me that is a betrayal, what exactly did I do wrong?

I'd say at present this is a very limited source to draw a conclusion from, considering it's 4am in the UK , I'd say wait for a day to see if you get a better range of responses.

Good on you for coming back and admitting some of your comments come off as abrasive. It’s hard when you’re talking about something emotional, especially if it is to do with your child, isn’t it? @MrsTerryPratchett is actually a pretty level headed and emotionally intelligent poster. So I wouldn’t dismiss what she said. Perhaps try to reread the comments when you feel a bit less upset?

I don’t think people are saying it’s ok to out your dd to her dgm when you asked your db not to. I think they’re telling you to try to chill out because it’s happened. You do say you’re irrationally angry after all. I think the strong reaction is tiger mummying because your brother betrayed your trust and you felt your mum was gossiping and may spread the information more widely. I wouldn’t confront him, no. I’d not be telling him or her anything else again.

I do get where you’re coming from regarding sexuality perhaps not being fixed. Especially when she had a relatively long term boyfriend albeit at a very young age. Parents of older teens have reported on threads that sexuality is a lot more fluid these days. That it is cool to be bi, trans etc. That said, I don’t think arguing with your dd was really the right move. This is her reality right now. Her reality may change in the future. What you want is for her to be able to share that with you without an ‘I told you so’.

I also wonder if you’re questioning her coming out as lesbian is in some way a reaction to how the boyfriend treated her. It sounds as if you reassured her that you love her no matter what and this is the main thing.

I’d just let the gossip about your dd in your family settle down. Confronting your brother and mother will probably just make them gossip even more. You can’t control their behaviour. Only your reaction to theirs. So now you know they’re not to be trusted with sensitive information. All you can do is let your dd know and tell her you won’t share things with your brother or your mum in future.

I agree with PP, the original problem was that she told her uncle and asked him to keep it a secret. He didn't comply, and that is where the whole issue started. She will learn from this - if you want something to be a secret, don't tell anyone at all.

No point confronting the brother or mum, what’s done is done. If your mum wants to talk about it to you, just shut down the conversation- that’s personal / private I don’t want to talk about it/ change the subject. As time goes on it will become less of an issue.

I agree you should stop suggesting it could be a phase. If she was straight would you suggest that could be a phase? No... To your DD it will either sound dismissive or that you're hoping she'll change her mind.

most people know what their sexuality is from a young ish age, you don't need to be sexually active to know.

Yanbu to feel annoyed if family members are talking about this in a gossipy way, however, I agree with a PP that a confrontation could cause further drama.

You don't identify as being gay. You are or you're not and most gay people know they are gay well before the age of 14. Focus less on the fact that she's gay and more of on the fact that when you tell secrets some people will break confidences so you need to be careful if you're giving out information you want kept private, whatever that may be. If you're daughter has an issue with her uncle breaking her confidence she's old enough to speak to him about it herself.

Is your brother usually like this? I think if you make a big issue about it the news will be even more hot gossip and it will sound more to your dd as if you are hoping it is a phase. Does your dd actually care too much? I would treat it as a lesson learnt that he is not a reliable confidant. Also continue with the approach that it isn't really anyone's business but her own but once she shares information she has no control over what happens to it. Good life lessons.

I had had several obsessive crushes over boys, pop stars by the time I was 14, I definitely wasn't gay. If your DD is the same she will know for sure. Maybe it shouldn't be kept a secret.

The simple answer is of course it's wrong for your brother to have told someone else's personal information.

He betrayed her trust.

Whether you need to confront them or not I would say is up to your DD. Does she want you to step in, would she say something or is your support enough for her to ignore the ignorant spectators with no respect for keeping sensitive information secret?

I'm not sure why you got a hard time from the start it was clear to me what you were saying and asking.

But well done for coming back and admitting you got heated further in and apologising for some of what you said in that heat. Can understand why you were defensive though.

OP your best support now is to deflect drama not add to it. Your dd did t need to be ‘sure’ as it doesn’t matter either way. Needing her to be certain adds pressure which adds drama.
If her uncle has spent 14years as a good uncle then no dont ‘confront’ him. Adults often try to make the way of children a little easier and he may well have been trying to do that. As for she ‘felt’ her nan knew - flatten the drama with a so what.

Acknowledge her feelings and her wish to control the narrative but really this drama is coming from her and from you. Comfort comes from you treating this like it is of no consequence and little interest to anyone else. Respect her ability to know as even if this is a phase you can bet that she absolutely knows who she is attracted to right now. It can be a bid to fit in with certain peers, a test of parents’ responses but it most likely just means she is gay. Most children know way earlier.

No one needs to tell her they are straight or bi or gay so she doesn’t need to do the same. This is ordinary life not a confession. The self conscious that she feels is best met with very ordinary acceptance. All she needs to know is that it makes no difference and if she wants to use it for drama by telling one person at a time and revelling in who knows and who doesn’t then that’s something g to discourage as a live lesson where very few people keep confidences. Breaking them doesn’t mean people don’t love you.

You sound supportive but you do sound a bit overwhelmed too - these children change so quickly it’s hard to keep up sometimes.

I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time on here OP.

I totally agree OP has had a hard time! To answer the actual question - your brother should not have told your mum. And then has he told her to keep it to herself, or is she also telling others? I would speak to them both to ask them to stop discussing your DD's private matters. This is 'outing' her without her permission.
I do understand your feelings that this may not be fixed. My DD was straight, then pan, then lesbian, then a straight man, currently a bi man. Teenagers will never appreciate us highlighting this though. Best approach is just to accept, not make a big deal, say I love you whatever and see what transpires.
Well done for taking on board some of that backlash - a lot of people project their own feelings onto their responses. If everyone is UK then I'd agree maybe it's the effect of early hours of the morning!

I agree with you that it’s wrong for your brother to have told your mum. He shouldn’t have betrayed a confidence, and your daughter is entitled to be upset. You’re also entitled to be angry at your brother and your mum for treating this as gossip.

But I do think there are signs of some problematic behaviours on your part. I’m glad you have no issue with your daughter being gay, but you still appear to have suggested that her sexuality may just be a phase, and have told her you’re supportive as long as she’s ‘sure’. These kinds of attitudes are barriers to acceptance that heterosexual kids simply don’t face. Nobody tells them they’re just going through a phase or that they have to be absolutely sure about their sexuality before telling others about it. Nobody wonders if they’re only straight because their friends are and they want to fit it, or because they want to be unique and cool.

It’s possible to be loving and supportive and still get it wrong sometimes. That’s all that’s being suggested - that you still have to look to your own behaviour for hidden biases or subconscious attitudes that may negatively impact on your daughter.

It’s very easy to be defensive because of course you love your daughter and want to do the best you can for her. That isn’t in doubt. But you should try to remain open to the possibility that your own behaviour might sometimes need challenging.

I’m speaking from my own experiences as a bisexual woman. Virtually every family member I ever told implied that I was going through a phase, or didn’t really know myself well enough to have decided something like this. As a result, I felt very unsupported even though they also told me they loved me and didn’t care about my sexuality. I felt like they were saying ‘of course we love you whatever your sexuality, but you’re probably straight anyway and this is something you’ll just grow out of’. I felt like they weren’t really accepting me, but just saying what I needed to hear to tide me over until I grew out of it. It was alienating, and I’m not open with my family about this subject as a result.

Her uncle was completely out of order betraying her trust like that, but calling her sexuality a choice and implying its just a phase isn't great either. Poor girl.

Whether it turns out to be a phase or not, that’s not for us to figure out. She will in her own time. It sounds like she knows her own mind very well. My son felt different since he was 6 or 7 she told me just before his 14th birthday. He’s 15 and not ready to tell everybody but that’s his choice to tell whenever he is ready. What I’ve tried to do is just let him take the lead on whether he wants to talk about it or not but for the few choice people who do know I have tried to explain he should be prepared to handle our if anyone does find out which is probably inevitable. You know what people can be like. As long as he’s confident and happy with himself and his own life nobody else’s opinions/gossip should matter. If your daughter wants you to bring this up then do so for her but if not then I wouldn’t. If the family still support her then what would be the point in bad feelings? Just prepare her for people’s reactions as outwith family we know not everyone is as understanding.

Being gay is NOT a choice. She’s going through a very tough time in her life with being a teenager. This just adds more anxiety to the mix as she’s at the stage where she’s trying to find her own identity. Let her know you’re completely there for her and pick your battles wisely.

We’ve experienced similar recently. DD2 came out and she is so much happier.
She asked me to break the news to other members of the family which I did. I think she wanted people to know but not to have to tell everyone individually.
My parents (hugely homophobic) were surprisingly fine - they have revised their thinking as they love DD2 more than their views. They did suggest that it was a phase until I pointed out that I had a three year relationship with a boy at her age and that wasn’t deemed as a phase.
The fact is, people will talk about her and I’ve generally found from our experience there is a curiosity and we’ve been lucky in that they’ve been able to ask questions and DD2 feels confident in her relationships with my family to answer them.
Whether it’s a phase or not, our children need to know they are loved and accepted.

Tbf I definitely did not know my sexuality at 14.

She maybe wrong, or it may be a phase, these things do happen. But does it really matter if she is? Its your job to love and support her either way, and listen to what she's telling you. She believes she's gay and so you believe she's gay unless she tells you otherwise.

It is much better to be out at 14, and have some mild embarrassment if it turns out you actually liked men, than hide in the closet for years feeling embarrassed or ashamed of yourself.i have many friends who didn't come out till way into adulthood and its no way to live. Shes just a lesbian, she's really not saying anything massive or life changing.

I'm open minded not making a 'big deal' but you obviously feel that my 14 yr olds feelings are not important as she must be too young to have an opinion, and it's not important in your opinion!?

But this is what you are saying to your dd.

She is telling you her feelings, and you have said fine but don’t tell any one else as it may be a phase. You are saying her opinion of her own sexuality may be wrong because she’s only 14…