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Original poster

8 years later and wants contact

42 replies

Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 17:48

I had my 1st DD in 2012. Split with her dad in early 2015 after he was cheating. He has had nothing to do with my daughter since apart from paying £14 a month maintenance money. He tried to make contact a couple of years ago but he was rejected for legal aid and did not continue to pursue the matter. My daughter is coming up for 10 and does not want to see him as she has no idea who he is etc.

We live in scotland and I have recently received a court order that states he wants residential contact every 2nd weekend and half the holidays. He lives about an hours drive away and is expecting me to do all the running about. I have found a solicitor to help me with the case.

What is the liklihood of this 'nonsense' being granted after so long. I do not think I will be entitled to legal aid and I am concerned at how much this will end up costing, obviously will have a detrimental finacial affect on both of us and long term my DD will ultimately loose out.

I feel my ex is being extremely selfish asking for this now. She is at a pivotal point in her development and this is severely affecting her mental health.

Has anyone been in a similar situation. Have the taken the views of the kid into consideration at 10 years old? How long do battles like this generally go on for and do the courts feel strongly about biological family involvement even after so long?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/07/2022 17:58

Did you just start a thread about working on a sex line?

Isaidnoalready · 30/07/2022 18:01

There might be a stepped introduction put into place building up to overnight contact

lunar1 · 30/07/2022 18:03

We s it a court order or solicitor letter you've been sent?

Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 18:42

After 8 years tho. It's ridiculous. I hope the courts will take my daughters views and opinions into consideration about this. I just think it's a joke that he hasn't been able to 'afford' to help towards her living expenses etc but wants her so much. How can he afford that eh 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 18:43

It's a court thing. Had to pay £132 towards getting it started and my daughters had to fill in a form F9. No mention of trying to sort this out amicably/away from courts which no doubt is gonna leave me bankrupt 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 18:45

Isaidnoalready · 30/07/2022 18:01

There might be a stepped introduction put into place building up to overnight contact

After 8 years tho. It's ridiculous. I hope the courts will take my daughters views and opinions into consideration about this. I just think it's a joke that he hasn't been able to 'afford' to help towards her living expenses etc but wants her so much. How can he afford that eh 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 18:47

lunar1 · 30/07/2022 18:03

We s it a court order or solicitor letter you've been sent?

It's a court thing. Had to pay £132 towards getting it started and my daughters had to fill in a form F9. No mention of trying to sort this out amicably/away from courts which no doubt is gonna leave me bankrupt

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2022 18:47

He tried to make contact a couple of years ago but he was rejected for legal aid and did not continue to pursue the matter.

Was there a reason you didn't do a gradual introduction, let them meet and see what good it would be for her, try to help her have a relationship with him?

Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 18:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2022 18:47

He tried to make contact a couple of years ago but he was rejected for legal aid and did not continue to pursue the matter.

Was there a reason you didn't do a gradual introduction, let them meet and see what good it would be for her, try to help her have a relationship with him?

I have never stopped contact. He just buggered off to be with his new family. When I got the letter a couple of years back, I spoke to my daughter who again said she didn't want to meet him and the lawyer suggested I contested his application for legal aid. When this got rejected, he didn't try to pursue things with his own money or suggest any other 'mutual' agreement, just disappeared again until now.

If he had tried to have contact When we split, of course he could have. But after 8 years of nothing then to me, it's too little too late and I need to support my daughters wishes. She has said herself that she will find him and make contact if and when she's ready x

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 30/07/2022 19:02

As is read it, your ex has repeatedly tried to establish contact but has been unable to afford to do so. (I'm not saying he couldn't afford it just how the courts will read it) children have a right to contact with both parents, I suggest they would look to grant several introduction meetings building up to overnights.
Courts very rarely fail to grant contact unless there's serious danger to the child. They also don't really take into account the wishes of children under 12. I'd ask for a mediation meeting to work out a schedule you, your ex and your dd are comfortable with, that would be much better than the courts forcing the issue, which is what I think they will do.

Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 19:13

Mama1980 · 30/07/2022 19:02

As is read it, your ex has repeatedly tried to establish contact but has been unable to afford to do so. (I'm not saying he couldn't afford it just how the courts will read it) children have a right to contact with both parents, I suggest they would look to grant several introduction meetings building up to overnights.
Courts very rarely fail to grant contact unless there's serious danger to the child. They also don't really take into account the wishes of children under 12. I'd ask for a mediation meeting to work out a schedule you, your ex and your dd are comfortable with, that would be much better than the courts forcing the issue, which is what I think they will do.

Thank you. Will mediation stop court proceedings do you think? Over the 8 years since we separated, he has only tried for Contact once. He has not bothered to send any birthday cards, Xmas cards etc. There has been no effort apart from the once so am praying that the courts do not have your views on it 🤞

OP posts:
GoT1904 · 30/07/2022 19:23

I think they might still grant him some kind of visitation. But it would be wholly unfair to basically throw your daughter to a stranger every other weekend?

PreschoolMum4 · 30/07/2022 19:47

They do normally appoint a company called Cafcass to speak with the child and gather their views. Contact is likely to build up over time.

Mama1980 · 30/07/2022 20:01

Mediation will not stop court proceedings but it might delay them I think it depends how determined your ex is.
I really hope you can find a resolution.
I think you do need to prepare your dd that contact, built up over time, will be granted.
I wish you all the best.

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2022 20:34

How is this messing with your daughters mental health?

why tell her? What sort of things are you saying?

I understand you are angry but it’s just the way the land lies. He will be awarded contact but not as much as he initially wants

if he’s not a risk then you haven’t got a leg to stand on

dont bad mouth him to your child

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 30/07/2022 20:51

Never heard of a dc filling in a form for court..
Yabu (unrealistic) to think because he hasn't seen her for 8 years his rights and dd's to a relationship will be automatically refused... As her dm you will he expected to assist in her forming some sort of relationship with her df... You list no real reasons a court would refuse him. At 8 she won't get to decide I am afraid.. Not will you.

Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 21:09

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2022 20:34

How is this messing with your daughters mental health?

why tell her? What sort of things are you saying?

I understand you are angry but it’s just the way the land lies. He will be awarded contact but not as much as he initially wants

if he’s not a risk then you haven’t got a leg to stand on

dont bad mouth him to your child

I had to tell her because the court demanded that she fill in a specific form to air her views on the matter. This was not something that I could do for her, obviously. She is now petrified that a stranger will be taking her away from her family home, the only family she has known since he left. Hence why its affecting her mental health. She is stressing that she will be uprooted and taken away from all that she knows to spend every other weekend with someone who has not shown an ounce of care over her shirt life.

He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and ended up with a restraining order when we split..... but that's not anything to do with my query, hence why I didn't list it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 21:13

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 30/07/2022 20:51

Never heard of a dc filling in a form for court..
Yabu (unrealistic) to think because he hasn't seen her for 8 years his rights and dd's to a relationship will be automatically refused... As her dm you will he expected to assist in her forming some sort of relationship with her df... You list no real reasons a court would refuse him. At 8 she won't get to decide I am afraid.. Not will you.

So why do u think its fair after 8 years (she is now 10 btw) that he should be allowed to come back into her life when he hasn't given a feck about her. Would you let your kid go away with someone who hasnt bothered to maintain contact or would u try to help your kid do what they want to do about it. Am not stopping this. I actually don't have the money to but I need to try and help my daughter with her wishes and that is, she doesn'twant to this to happen. * *😔

OP posts:
Justalittlebitfurther · 30/07/2022 21:20

I have a DD didn’t have contact with her Dad. In your situation I would have reassured her even though I wouldn’t have cared if she had never seen him. Instead you seem to be actively scaring and upsetting her. Why are you trying to block a relationship between them? Was he abusive? If not you are being extremely unreasonable about it. She has a right to know both parents and will potentially hold it against you in the future if you don’t support her with this. Children should know where they come from and he is her father. Whether or not you stop her from seeing him will not change this fact.

Mama1980 · 30/07/2022 21:22

I don't necessarily think it's right or fair but that's not my call to make - nor is it yours, you ex's or your daughters. Which is why family court judges make these decisions in what is determined to be the child's best interests.
I think your best course if to prepare her for a gradual build up of contact. Reassure her she won't be ripped away from her home, but that they will be getting to know each other gradually and building a relationship that will hopefully be mutually beneficial.
As previously stated he's unlikely to get all he's asking for, at least not immediately but he will get contact. (Unless the reason for the RO was violence against his child or child endangerment)

Justalittlebitfurther · 30/07/2022 21:25

X post - I actually think him being abusive is extremely relevant. Even so I still think he’ll be likely to get some contact. You need to support her by reassuring her and changing this narrative about him being a stranger. Otherwise when he gets contact ( and I think he will ) she will be really upset. You need to think about it as if it’s a visit to the dentist, no one would recommend not doing that and the courts are likely to see this in the same way. Just because she is apprehensive doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have the opportunity to build a relationship with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2022 21:30

*He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me^

And you didn't think that would be worth mentioning? You'd have received very different replies, including from me, if you had. Maybe start a new thread which mentions this, in Relationships. Or ask MNHQ to change the OP.

AQuietWalk · 30/07/2022 21:37

I have been through the Scottish court system but before the Form 9 was introduced. We had to pay for a court reporter to come and speak with DC to get their views, also to each of us and to the school (there is no CAFCASS in Scotland). Believe me, it sounds like form 9 is much cheaper than this.

if you are happy to mediate, then the court will refer you to mediation. This is much cheaper than being represented by your solicitor in court.
It would be reasonable to offer short amounts of day time contact for your DD with her dad so that she can get to know him. Equally, you need to argue to your ex that it is better for his long term relationship with your Dd to build up contact in a way that she can manage.

In my experience, the court took the view that contact should happen (I agreed with this, we were disagreed on how much for reasons I won’t go into), but they did not enforce overnight contact when the child did not wish it (and the argument was made that overnight contact was not in the child’s best interests at that point). The fact that your DD is being asked her views is a good thing. Overnight contact was not ordered at all and DC was able to build up their relationship over time with their father and he was able to - with also mediation - understand their needs. It was eye-wateringly expensive, though.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2022 21:39

Your best bet is to request contact be slowly built up. With your DD’s views being considered in increasing contact once it’s established.

i can see completely why the thought of contact with a stranger would cause her mental anguish. I’d tell my DC in your shoes too, so they’re prepared for the eventuality.

fight overnights and request contact at a contact centre first. Also ask for a contact centre near you.

you poor dd.

Original poster
Pandamum83 · 30/07/2022 21:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2022 21:30

*He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me^

And you didn't think that would be worth mentioning? You'd have received very different replies, including from me, if you had. Maybe start a new thread which mentions this, in Relationships. Or ask MNHQ to change the OP.

My worry about this is, the abuse was towards me. Not her. Having never been Involved in anything like this before, I felt like I am doing the right thing by trying to keep the facts of the matter relevant to my DD. I don't want my negative feelings about her dad coming through as I genuinely have not bad mouthed him over the years. She does not know about the abuse/charges etc as I have not tried to paint him in any light, let alone a bad one. I am trying to base this on her and her feelings. Maybe am going about this the wrong way then. But I don't want to the courts ending up thinking that her not wanting to see him is anything to do with me and my feelings, cause its genuinely not. Like I said, I don't have the money to do this as ex was also financially abusive and ran up thousands of pounds in debt leaving me bankrupt and loosing our home. I can't go back down this path so I'd be more than happy for her to see him but like I said, am trying to help her by standing by what she is asking for 😔

OP posts: