My partners ex is taking him to court.

[threeprincesses]

Hello,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 months now, I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have two other daughters from a previous relationship and he has his daughter with his ex. My partner and his ex have had a very sour break up, she really resents him for leaving and when they bicker she is constantly stating how he made the choice to leave her and their daughter. She was absolutely furious when she found out about me and that has made the situation between them very bitter. In February I met their daughter for the first time, we took her to the sea life centre and a few weeks later my partner uploaded a photo of us all. We've both blocked her on all our social media but she somehow had seen the photo and left work early, drove to their daughters nursery picked her up and took her home. This was in my partners time with their daughter, she text him telling him not to bother picking the child up as she already had, he wouldn't be having her as she wasn't allowing him to play happy families, use her child as pawn and upload pictures of her child with me. She stopped contact for two weeks. In this time my partner contacted their mediator who wrote a court order for him and applied to court. They went to court and he was granted every other weekend and every other Tuesday he would have their child over night and his mum would look after her on Wednesday whilst he worked, then he would have dinner with his daughter and drop her back home for 6.30pm that evening. At the time he was living at his parents house and this was all going smoothly. My partner moved into my home on May 11th so informed his ex about this a week later when he had his daughter for their weekend together. He told her that she was spending her first weekend at my home. His ex hit the roof saying she was calling the police and they will be coming to remove the child and bring her home. This all had happened late that evening so it was left until the next day. The next day my partner went to his parents house and called his ex, his parents recorded the phone call and she was screaming down the phone about how he's a liar, she's been looking on my social media, she's seen that I've been looking to swap homes on housing exchange groups etc she asked where her daughters sleeping. He told her that his daughter was sleeping in my two little girls bedroom with them, she was in a toddler bed. (She stated in their last court hearing that she wanted her child in a toddler bed and not a travel cot or anything else other than a toddler bed) and that their child was happy and had nothing to worry about. He said he will write my address down in their contact handover book and he would send her a photograph of the bedroom. It's a huge double bedroom with more than enough room, space and toys. She declined his offer of the photograph and asked what was going to be happening with the Tuesday contact. He told her it would be unfair to have their daughter stay at my house on the Tuesday as that would mean waking her up at 5.30am to take her to his parents house before he left for work. So she was staying at his parents (her grandparents) house on the Tuesday evening, he would have dinner with her, bath her and put her to bed there before he came home, then after work on the Wednesday he would go straight over have dinner with her, spend some time and drop her home at 6.30pm like normal. She wasn't happy with this as he wouldn't be caring for the child overnight and threatened to stop the midweek contact. By this point he was exhausted of arguing so his father text her asking her not to stop the midweek contact as that would be breaching the court order. Well nothing has been said since, we have been having his daughter like normal. Until yesterday, a letter turned up for him from the courts saying she has applied to go back to court. She made the application the following Monday after the weekend she was told about all of this. In her summary she's written that my partner has breached their contact order by making the agreement under false pretences, she said that he is not living at the address he stated and that her daughter is sharing a bedroom with two other children under 5 and she would like the court to review the court order and put more detailed guidelines in place and she also wants minimal contact from her child's father to reduce the conflict. My partner did not make their agreement under false pretences. The court asked where he lived at the time of the court hearing and he stated his parents house because that is where he was living! Their court date is in July and we honestly just can't believe she's dragging them back to court over this. Has anyone been through similar or could offer any advice?

my opinion? too soon. That little girl is being pushed from pillar to post way too soon.

Also, I'd like to see the other side of the story.

Sounds like the ex is deeply hurt, and probably finding very difficult to come to terms with everything. To see you get together and settle down so fast, I'd be slightly inclined to feel overprotective over my daughter too.
Nevertheless i don't think things need to be so difficult. What efforts have you made personally to reassure her? What is the backstory - were you the other woman?

When did they split?

I'm with the mother tbh. Why doesn't he stay at his parents on the Tuesday night with her?

Out of interest how long had they been separated when you got together - by that I mean properly separated with them living apart? This could have some bearing on why she is acting the way she is.

I’m with the mother.

Jumping into relationships, moving house, having more babies...it’s a cluster fuck!

You were together 5 months before you got pregnant. Absolutely stupid to rush into having a baby in this scenario with other children to consider. It does sound like things have moved incredibly fast and I'm not surprised the little girls mum wants to go back to court to set things out. I imagine she didn't think he would be moving her daughter into some other woman's house within a few weeks of you actually meeting her for the first time. it doesn't sound like your partner is acting in the best interests of the child.

Poor little girl. Her family has broken up and now quick as a flash she’s expected to play happy families in someone else’s home, sharing a bedroom with other children.

I’m with the mother. The old court order should no longer be valid as so much has changed in such a short space of time. Too much way too soon.

They split up in January 2018. He moved out the day he ended the relationship. No I wasn't the "other woman". There was no cheating or anything like that involved in their relationship. She fell pregnant before they had officially got together and so like our relationship it was thrown into the deep end very suddenly but didn't work out. We're both aware that she is clearly still holding onto her love for him but she is also in another relationship now. People move on and I don't think that gives her the right to act the way she has. I understand she is looking out for her child's welfare in a sense but we've taken every measure to make her feel somewhat okay about it. She has my address, I've agreed to never upload a photograph of her child, she once said she was sending people round my home to do a welfare check and we agreed to that, offered to send her photos of the bedroom her daughters sleeping in. Me and her have never actually spoken, I'm not just going to message her out the blue because I feel that would anger her more and she would want an argument. And she has threatened to message me to my partner but never actually has.

The ex fell pregnant by him in the early days of their relationship.
You fell pregnant by him in the early days of your relationship.
He moved from her house to his parents house to your house.

He doesn't sound great - it's all far too much far too quickly, especially with all those children involved.

I personally think she is protecting her daughter and your attitude is not very kind. Surely you know that your partner has not put his child first in this situation. I would be absolutely furious if DH would leave me with a child, and within a few months move in with someone with two kids and impose that situation on a child who hasn't had a chance to adapt to the new situation at all. Forget that you think she sill love him, you are using this as an excuse and it's a really bad one as the person who will suffer most is a child.

I agree that all these children so quickly is irresponsible.

However, I do think he should be able to have the access agreed. Surely he can stay with her at his parents on the Tuesday night? Why does he need to leave her there?

Their child is two years old. She is the happiest little girl I've ever met in my life. She's created lovely bonds with my two girls and they all get so excited to see each other. His ex has a new boyfriend who's met their child already too so how is it one rule for one and another rule for the other??? I think it's just massively been blown out of proportion.

He needs to keep his dick in his pants. He sounds very good at picking gullible women.

She fell pregnant before they had officially got together

Is that code for either one (or both of them?) were with other people when she fell pregnant?

Again - why can he not stay with her at his parents on the Tuesday evening and have breakfast etc with her on the Wednesday morning/get her dressed, then go to work from there - he seems to be outsourcing this to his parents so he can stay at your house with you and your children rather than have overnight contact with his child?

@JeSuisPrest

No, they were 'seeing each other' or 'dating' when she fell pregnant. Not actually in a relationship.

And do you know what I don't actually have an answer to that because I don't know why he doesn't stay there. I've tried to not get too involved into this.

He should be staying at his parents during the contact because like JeSuis it seems he's choosing to spend time with your children instead of his own.

Also, a lot has changed since the court order so I do understand her PoV. Your partner doesn't sound great either.

I think you're getting a hard time on here x most people missing the point.
The speed at which your relationship is moving is relative and isn't always a detriment to the child.

Have no advice regarding legal issues, but I can relate. I meet my husband, moved in within one month, engaged in three,pregnant in eight and married in two years. We have been together for five years now. DSD's mother had a problem with it all. Firstly, I was too young (we are eight years apart) then when I got pregnant she said DSD will be pushed out (understandable concern). She also reduced access from four days per week to every other weekend.... It is the same now.

I think your partner needs to remain strong. It takes two people to make a child but one always seems to dictate.

"my opinion? too soon. That little girl is being pushed from pillar to post way too soon.

Also, I'd like to see the other side of the story."

This!

The ex is out of order for shouting and screaming BUT your relationship has moved WAY too fast - especially as you also already had children.

10 months and you're already 5 months pregnant and he's moved in? Ridiculous!

You barely know him, you've no idea what happened with them, only his word for things.

Also he DID break the contact order. Contact is for the child to have a relationship with their parent, not grandparents.

When did they split? Jan 2018? According to whom?

There's soon to be 4 kids getting their brains and emotions scrambled by all this crap that's going on, and his poor kids only 2! How old are yours? none of the adults cover themselves in glory to be honest.

All far far too much happening too soon without ANY consideration for the kids involved.

Your partner needs to learn about contraception! As do you and his ex apparently.

This is one where it will probably come down to who the judge is on the day imo. I don't think the judge will be at all impressed it has returned to court so quickly. Whether the judge believed the mother or father is in the wrong is impossible to say.

Personally I think your DP sounds like a dick who needs to stop getting women pregnant like this.

I'm sure the mum really isn't still "in love" with your dp. She probably thinks he is a massive dick head now she has learnt what he is really like. If their dd is 2 and she got pregnant before they were a proper couple, she probably didn't really know him at all like you don't. It can take at least a couple of years to get to know a partner once all the first flutters of lust fade and true colours show (good or bad.) I really doubt she is still pining for him, she sounds like she's trying to protect their dd.

I take it you are looking to move once the baby comes and stops sleeping in your bedroom?

Ah, again, this isn’t AIBU.

Perhaps a little petty but the mother is right - the circumstances have changed and he isn’t caring for his daughter overnight.

Hopefully your partner has a long term plan in place for his daughter and his child with you (along with your children) to have a happy, settled home life.

Yet another thread where someone comes on asking for legal advice and it is treated as AIBU.

The child's mother cannot control who her daughter sees when she is with your partner, just as he cannot control who she sees when she is with her mother. She won't get the contact order varied on that basis.

A change of address may justify a change in the pattern of contact but it is unlikely to justify a reduction.

I'm not clear if the "minimal contact to reduce conflict" is about contact with his daughter or contact with his ex. However, she won't get anywhere with an argument that her daughter's contact with your partner should be reduced because of conflict between mother and father.

Perhaps a little petty but the mother is right - the circumstances have changed and he isn’t caring for his daughter overnight

As I say, the pattern may change due to the change of address but it doesn't necessarily mean the amount of contact will be reduced.

Bloody hell how awful for all the children, you've known your partner for less than a year, you're already pregnant, you have two other children trying to come to terms with all this and the poor stepchild is being dragged into both a new home with three other children in it and a bitter argument between her parents.
None of you deserve children seriously.