My partners ex is taking him to court.

[threeprincesses]

Hello,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 months now, I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have two other daughters from a previous relationship and he has his daughter with his ex. My partner and his ex have had a very sour break up, she really resents him for leaving and when they bicker she is constantly stating how he made the choice to leave her and their daughter. She was absolutely furious when she found out about me and that has made the situation between them very bitter. In February I met their daughter for the first time, we took her to the sea life centre and a few weeks later my partner uploaded a photo of us all. We've both blocked her on all our social media but she somehow had seen the photo and left work early, drove to their daughters nursery picked her up and took her home. This was in my partners time with their daughter, she text him telling him not to bother picking the child up as she already had, he wouldn't be having her as she wasn't allowing him to play happy families, use her child as pawn and upload pictures of her child with me. She stopped contact for two weeks. In this time my partner contacted their mediator who wrote a court order for him and applied to court. They went to court and he was granted every other weekend and every other Tuesday he would have their child over night and his mum would look after her on Wednesday whilst he worked, then he would have dinner with his daughter and drop her back home for 6.30pm that evening. At the time he was living at his parents house and this was all going smoothly. My partner moved into my home on May 11th so informed his ex about this a week later when he had his daughter for their weekend together. He told her that she was spending her first weekend at my home. His ex hit the roof saying she was calling the police and they will be coming to remove the child and bring her home. This all had happened late that evening so it was left until the next day. The next day my partner went to his parents house and called his ex, his parents recorded the phone call and she was screaming down the phone about how he's a liar, she's been looking on my social media, she's seen that I've been looking to swap homes on housing exchange groups etc she asked where her daughters sleeping. He told her that his daughter was sleeping in my two little girls bedroom with them, she was in a toddler bed. (She stated in their last court hearing that she wanted her child in a toddler bed and not a travel cot or anything else other than a toddler bed) and that their child was happy and had nothing to worry about. He said he will write my address down in their contact handover book and he would send her a photograph of the bedroom. It's a huge double bedroom with more than enough room, space and toys. She declined his offer of the photograph and asked what was going to be happening with the Tuesday contact. He told her it would be unfair to have their daughter stay at my house on the Tuesday as that would mean waking her up at 5.30am to take her to his parents house before he left for work. So she was staying at his parents (her grandparents) house on the Tuesday evening, he would have dinner with her, bath her and put her to bed there before he came home, then after work on the Wednesday he would go straight over have dinner with her, spend some time and drop her home at 6.30pm like normal. She wasn't happy with this as he wouldn't be caring for the child overnight and threatened to stop the midweek contact. By this point he was exhausted of arguing so his father text her asking her not to stop the midweek contact as that would be breaching the court order. Well nothing has been said since, we have been having his daughter like normal. Until yesterday, a letter turned up for him from the courts saying she has applied to go back to court. She made the application the following Monday after the weekend she was told about all of this. In her summary she's written that my partner has breached their contact order by making the agreement under false pretences, she said that he is not living at the address he stated and that her daughter is sharing a bedroom with two other children under 5 and she would like the court to review the court order and put more detailed guidelines in place and she also wants minimal contact from her child's father to reduce the conflict. My partner did not make their agreement under false pretences. The court asked where he lived at the time of the court hearing and he stated his parents house because that is where he was living! Their court date is in July and we honestly just can't believe she's dragging them back to court over this. Has anyone been through similar or could offer any advice?

If the OP wants legal advice she should go to a solicitor or get free legal advice via Citizens advice. Or better still, her dp should be going to get legal advice considering it's about his child which has nothing to do with the OP.

Or she could ask in a thread under the topic of legal matters.. as she did.

I didn't follow everyone else on here, I read the op then scanned down to her other posts without reading the replies which I usually do on threads. I then responded to the eye rolling statement that the op and her dp can "clearly see" that the mother is holding on to her love for him >>>snort

People who are genuinely able to give proper legal advice don't usually do so on these threads because they don't want to be giving it away for free...

having trouble understanding a word? Makes sense.

What does this mean? What makes sense?

I agree that it should be her DP that is seeking advice. Always amazes me how partners of these men that have known all of 5 minutes get involved with the legal arrangements with the ex. My exH's gf likes to come to all the court hearings. 18 so far (abusive vexatious litigant he is). You think she'd have better things to do but no she gets someone else to look after all the kids and there she sits in the waiting room waiting for him to tell her his lies about how the judge bollocked me and how he's glad he made the application. The facts are quite different in that his applications are dismissed and he is the one who gets bollocked for wasting the courts time. I feel sorry for her. She's very similar to this DP. Pregnant within a handful of months, blending families, kids are sooooo happy. Yeah. Therapy, like I said.
Maybe we keep mentioning the same point in the hope of saving women like OP pain and money in the long run and with the hope that she will consider the dd as Dp obviously isn't.

People who are genuinely able to give proper legal advice don't usually do so on these threads because they don't want to be giving it away for free

Not true. There are a number of lawyers who regularly give advice on here. There are some on this thread.

A lot of people are focusing on his child spending time with the grandparents and not him. Children are entitled to a relationship with grandparents and the wider family, and courts encourage it.

Yes, a relationship with grandparents is good.

Yes, it is up to the parent to arrange how the DC spends their time when they are the parent in charge.

But there is a nonsense here in that the overnight part of the mid-week contact is something which the parent can never (as OP describes it) be fully present for. And which they have already agreed will be changing shortly.

So it doesn't seem unreasonable to make the Tuesday contact until bedtime, then the DSD gets the benefit of seeing her step siblings and idc half sibling, but instead of being deposited at GPs house to sleep, she goes home. She sees the same amount of her Dad, can still see grandparents frequently and does not have to sleep in a third place regularly.

The XP may or may not be able persuade the court to see it like that, but it does not seem unreasonable to try.

And OP you will have to think about how all this works in the longer term - where will she go to school? Are you all near enough to each other to make it workable? Are you going to be able to buy in an area convenient to all parts of DSD's family?

@DtPeabodysLoosePants yes it's odd isn't it. The girlfriend should just stay out of it. I wouldn't get involved in my dps court proceedings with his ex, it's their business. I couldn't imagine going to court either. How awful.

Fairly new girlfriends need to realise they are still their dps girlfriend whether they get involved or not. It's like they need to "prove" something by getting involved, like cats spraying the furniture to prove they have ownership.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants yes they've been to mediation, when his ex stopped contact for 2 weeks he went to the mediator and she wrote a court order application. They need a court order in place because as soon as he does something she doesn't like or agree with she threatens to stop contact.

And to all those that have commented on the fact I only know his side of the story. I'm well aware of that but since being with him she has threatened him with contact, dictated to him, I've seen the text messages she's sent him and heard her screaming down the phone at him over nothing. Whenever they get into a row the first thing she says every single time is "you left us" "you walked out on us" and he has to tell her time and time again that he didn't walk out on his child, he walked out on her because of the way she is. He's been so lenient with her, he didn't want to make the initial court application but he didn't want her to keep using their child as a puppet. He's always said she's a good mother, he just wants to move on and for things to be amicable and civil between them.

@Farahilda He is present every minute until the child goes to sleep. The little girl loves the Tuesday, she loves her grandparents and in all honesty I believe it benefits her massively getting that special time with them. I'm sure when she's in her mothers care she's not with her mother every single night, I'm sure there are times when she stays at her maternal grandparents house. So why is she not allowed to stay at her grandparents house in her fathers care??? It's ridiculous. Regardless to that, he's well aware that the court might drop the Tuesday contact if they feel differently and he's accepted that. His daughter and her mother live in a different town to us, not far at all but the mother definitely won't allow her to be staying out midweek when she has school. As far as I'm aware this was just happening whilst she was small to get that extra time with her father that is important to a very small child, as I've said previously there was talk about her coming for dinner one evening midweek but I'm sure they'll discuss that nearer the time.

And just to clarify I am not getting involved in their court proceedings. I have never attended their court hearings, nor have I ever spoken to the mother. I am just there for my partner and seeking advice under this forum to help and be there for him. I've got all the information I need now thank you, so there really is no need for any of you to keep commenting with your assumptions and un wanted opinions.

Unwanted opinions usually mean don't want to hear reason and carry regardless. Good luck.

"I think a lot of you are clearly just married women with children from the same family." Nope! Single mum of one here, dds dad got OW pregnant while we were still together and I'm the one who's had to pick up the pieces from that! Her stepmum is actually lovely in other aspects of being a stepmum and reined my ex in from his more stupid ideas! (we were friends prior to the affair)

Also my brother has 2 children with 2 different mothers, he has residency of both as sadly eldest's mum died (after they'd split, so he also has experience as an nrp AND a lone parent), sister has children with different dads too - difference is they didn't rush into things and put their kids first!

Plenty of other friends and family in blended families too.

"Never, ever make assumptions about the background of MN posters whose advice you find less welcome. Firstly, you are likely to be wrong, and secondly it makes you look as if you are driven by what you want to believe is the case rather than what it actually is." Yep!

Most of us are posting from a perspective of considerable life experience.

There are good and bad ways to blend families and you and your man seem hell bent on dealing with it appallingly badly. You won't be the ones to suffer the children will.

"I asked him this last night and he said because he lives at my house which is closer to drive to work and he doesn't want to wake his daughter up at 5.30am" if he's also staying at his parents (which he managed fine before!) he wouldn't need to wake her early, just a case of his going to work from theirs. Meaning really what he means is he doesn't want to have to get up earlier.

"I think a lot of you are missing the point and not looking at the bigger picture" wow! And not a hint of irony! Other blended families do have children sharing bedrooms BUT the ones with sensible parents who prioritise the children don't do this until the children (and actually the adults!) know each other very well and are comfortable with them, it's also a last resort setup usually too. Because sensible parents realise it's not ideal.

NOBODY has said he should never be in a relationship again you're being utterly absurd making that inference, but this is all much too fast! For your dds too.

@prh47bridge if the ex were posting I for one would also be critical of her introducing her partner to the child too soon if that happened (we don't actually know as we're getting info 3rd hand!). However there's also the issue of the child sharing a bedroom at dads home which has a huge impact on the child.

Personally I think the courts handle these situations appallingly and are FAR too lax in the situations they allow children to be put in. There is far too much emphasis on what's convenient for the parents (though this isn't admitted) It's only in cases of quite serious abuse that contact is stopped!

"but it's been done in the most sensitive way possible." It really hasn't!

"Kids do not always adapt. That's just what selfish parents say to allay their guilt" yep!

"Are you going to be able to buy in an area convenient to all parts of DSD's family?" Op is naively relying on the council rehousing them in less overcrowded accommodation.

"So why is she not allowed to stay at her grandparents house in her fathers care???" Because he spends far less time with her overall, and the time he does spend with her she's having to share his attention with you and your dds for the majority of it! You've been asked umpteen times how much time she gets alone with her dad which you've not answered (your prerogative but I for one think that's very telling)

"Unwanted opinions usually mean don't want to hear reason and carry regardless" yep

Yes blended families are more common now (or at least more transparently present) than previously but that doesn't mean those dynamics are risk free for kids. Children benefit from stability. Your partner isn't offering his child any stability at all.
I don't know what either of you were thinking to place yourself in the position of another pregnancy. 4 under 4 is not easy for any family.

Oh and who are the three princesses in your user name?

You’ve had a real hard time on this post. I hope this turns out to be a forever relationship and it’s all worth it.

You should know that there is no greater sin on MN than being the stepmother. Furthermore, MN lore suggests men with children from previous relationships should live as eunuchs without any prospect for future love or happiness. None of these horrid comments are personal.

Funny how everyones gone quiet now that a couple of posters have went against the pack isnt it?

Meh.
It is cute that you think you have any influence over what posters do and don't do though.

Pretty sure we've seen this exact situation so many times before. OP gets pregnant after 5 mins (often as a way to establish her own importance), truly believes they'll be together forever etc etc.
She's only ever going to believe 'her' predictions and that goes for legal ones as well because "how unfair"
Reality is, OP has a guy who is happy to go around knocking up randoms and letting them speak for him (ok, that last bit, the speaking for him, is an assumption)
Neither the OP, or the father is, or has, actually thought of the child here. The best she gets from her father is a night of 'hanging out' at grandma's (who, lets face it, is probs doing all the 'work') while dad visits. She deserves more from her father than that. OP has pretty much confirmed, and ensured, that she will never get that.
So really, what's the point of this?

The OP will be back posting about her ex partner and his 'new' family before we know it

How many children do you need to pop out to be given your dream home?

You need to be looking to get your 'dream house' in the same town, do that midweek contact can continue. It's going to be ever more important over time, and so you can make choices now that make it easier.

Until then, she couid get same time with her DDad if she was at yours until nearly bedtime, then was driven home. She needs to be with her siblings (and GPs can come over as much as they like, as younsee them as an important bit of the family)

Why would his mum give up time with her so his parents can look after her? If he wants to look after her then he actually needs to look after her.

She doesn't know you and you've barely been together, I wouldn't want you around her either or having sleepovers with her.

You all need to calm the hell down and give this child time to adjust before throwing new family dynamics at her.

*her mum

I think that the ex is looking out for her child, perhaps not in the most reasonable way, but her child's wellbeing is at the front of her mind nevertheless. The biggest issue is that the little girl is not spending contact time e with her father midweek. I can completely understand why the ex would take issue with that. I would too. And your partner is being sly and sneaky by not telling his ex about changes in advance. He is presenting his ex with a fait accompli and I have taken huge issue with my ex for something similar on the basis that he doesn't get to dictate any situation, he needs to consult. I think that your partner needs to get his act together in terms of mid week contact and have the balls to talk to his ex about arrangements in advance and that you need to stop passing judgement on a woman who sounds as if she is deeply frustrated with this man child.

@QueenOfPain Firstly the OP isn't really "Stepmum" is she? She is the girlfriend of the little dd's dad. Nothing wrong with that title at all and far too early to be classed as stepmum.

People aren't having a pop because she is or isn't a stepmum though. They are having a pop about the op and her partner rushing everything within a very short time, involving children and changing routines to suit them not the kids.

No one is saying fathers can't go on to find new love and be happy. The time they get criticised is when they do it within 5 minutes and rush new relationships by setting up new families quickly. In this case the dp has gotten two women pregnant within 3 years before they even knew each other and tried to set up home. It may have been ok the first time around when it was all new but this time there is a child involved who he has to consider so he can't just do what he likes.

From my experience men who rush into things usually crave the excitement of new relationships but rarely keep it going once that excitement has faded and the realities of real life and responsibilities kick in.

The reality of “sharing” a bedroom with your DC is that she won’t be sharing at all, she’ll be sleeping over in their room. Because it won’t be her room, they’ll be there 14/14, all their stuff will be there, they’ll Probably get possessive over it once the novelty of her being there wears off and she wants to play with their toys. (She’s only 2 so she will want to play with any toys she sees) Will she have a permanent bed in it that is only hers? Her own wardrobe/chest of drawers? She’ll know that your DC will be playing with anything she leaves there while she is at her mums and she won’t know/can’t do anything about it.

No, the OP has no obligation to do that. It may be wise for the father to do that but it’s not legally necessary. Andsometimesit is the ex that is “crazy”.

Actually she does if she expects to have any sort of decent workable situation.

Her boyfriend AND her need to. Moving then telling the ex a week late that arrangements were changing, isnt helping. Maybe if they all just switched on a bit of empathy for the mother of the child, things would be so bad.

The ops boyfriend, decided to move which changed contact. Didnt tell the ex until after it was done. Isnt thinking about the impacts on his daughter just throwing her from one situation to the next.

It is worth repeating. Because the OP could very much find the baby she is carrying will be being bounced around in 2.5 years time.

The ex needs to take responsibility for his fuck ups. But op would be better trying to remain a bit neutral and put her dsd higher up in the priority list.

He could have moved in at a later date when you move to a place that's more convenient for his time with dsd. It wouldnt have killed anyone.

Funny how everyones gone quiet now that a couple of posters have went against the pack isnt it? I see this carry on on far too many threads on here.

I see far too many posters with an inflated sense of how important they are, that like to tell everyone else what to do.

Might surprise you, but I have had other stuff to do.

You giving a different opinion neither intimidates me or makes me go away. Its odd that you think you hole such sway on an internet forum.