My partners ex is taking him to court.

[threeprincesses]

Hello,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 months now, I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have two other daughters from a previous relationship and he has his daughter with his ex. My partner and his ex have had a very sour break up, she really resents him for leaving and when they bicker she is constantly stating how he made the choice to leave her and their daughter. She was absolutely furious when she found out about me and that has made the situation between them very bitter. In February I met their daughter for the first time, we took her to the sea life centre and a few weeks later my partner uploaded a photo of us all. We've both blocked her on all our social media but she somehow had seen the photo and left work early, drove to their daughters nursery picked her up and took her home. This was in my partners time with their daughter, she text him telling him not to bother picking the child up as she already had, he wouldn't be having her as she wasn't allowing him to play happy families, use her child as pawn and upload pictures of her child with me. She stopped contact for two weeks. In this time my partner contacted their mediator who wrote a court order for him and applied to court. They went to court and he was granted every other weekend and every other Tuesday he would have their child over night and his mum would look after her on Wednesday whilst he worked, then he would have dinner with his daughter and drop her back home for 6.30pm that evening. At the time he was living at his parents house and this was all going smoothly. My partner moved into my home on May 11th so informed his ex about this a week later when he had his daughter for their weekend together. He told her that she was spending her first weekend at my home. His ex hit the roof saying she was calling the police and they will be coming to remove the child and bring her home. This all had happened late that evening so it was left until the next day. The next day my partner went to his parents house and called his ex, his parents recorded the phone call and she was screaming down the phone about how he's a liar, she's been looking on my social media, she's seen that I've been looking to swap homes on housing exchange groups etc she asked where her daughters sleeping. He told her that his daughter was sleeping in my two little girls bedroom with them, she was in a toddler bed. (She stated in their last court hearing that she wanted her child in a toddler bed and not a travel cot or anything else other than a toddler bed) and that their child was happy and had nothing to worry about. He said he will write my address down in their contact handover book and he would send her a photograph of the bedroom. It's a huge double bedroom with more than enough room, space and toys. She declined his offer of the photograph and asked what was going to be happening with the Tuesday contact. He told her it would be unfair to have their daughter stay at my house on the Tuesday as that would mean waking her up at 5.30am to take her to his parents house before he left for work. So she was staying at his parents (her grandparents) house on the Tuesday evening, he would have dinner with her, bath her and put her to bed there before he came home, then after work on the Wednesday he would go straight over have dinner with her, spend some time and drop her home at 6.30pm like normal. She wasn't happy with this as he wouldn't be caring for the child overnight and threatened to stop the midweek contact. By this point he was exhausted of arguing so his father text her asking her not to stop the midweek contact as that would be breaching the court order. Well nothing has been said since, we have been having his daughter like normal. Until yesterday, a letter turned up for him from the courts saying she has applied to go back to court. She made the application the following Monday after the weekend she was told about all of this. In her summary she's written that my partner has breached their contact order by making the agreement under false pretences, she said that he is not living at the address he stated and that her daughter is sharing a bedroom with two other children under 5 and she would like the court to review the court order and put more detailed guidelines in place and she also wants minimal contact from her child's father to reduce the conflict. My partner did not make their agreement under false pretences. The court asked where he lived at the time of the court hearing and he stated his parents house because that is where he was living! Their court date is in July and we honestly just can't believe she's dragging them back to court over this. Has anyone been through similar or could offer any advice?

With the mother. Far too much too soon I can not understand these people that try to merge families together after only being together for months

So it's fine for the daughter to see mum's new boyfriend but too much too soon for her to see dad's partner? Or did you miss that bit?

The OP came here for legal advice. You may be with the mother. The courts probably won't be on the information posted here.

Mum cannot control who her daughter sees when she is with dad.

Dad cannot control who his daughter sees when she is with mum.

The change of address may justify a change in the pattern of contact. It is unlikely to trigger a significant reduction.

The courts are unlikely to be concerned about the sleeping arrangements.

The courts will not reduce contact on the basis that doing so will reduce conflict between mum and dad. That is an argument for the courts being very prescriptive about contact, not reducing it.

Do you not think things have moved too quickly? Does no one actually think about the current children before reproducing with the new partner within a couple of months?

Surely it makes more sense to establish some grounds and security and focus on the children you both have before you go and make more.

Does your partner even work to support these children? Do you work at all?

I just honestly wish people would not drain the benefit system with multiple kids with various partners, it's so common. Sadly, those who really need the support from the state barely get it. The council will offer you a three bed soon, how lovely.

I hope no more children are introduced and focus is on care. I agree with the ex also, this is all too quick. Regardless of how you think his daughter is, this will affect her, especially when the new child arrives.

Your partner and his ex DO need to get together and arrange something stable for the sake of their child together. This does not need to involve you and your daughters every single time, you are still a new partner. Let them establish their grounds and put the benefit of their child first.

No, she should not stop him from seeing his daughter, unless he is abusive or there's cause for concern. He definitely has his rights as her father, but there needs to be a sensible way about it. There will need to be compromise on both sides to ensure the daughter is priority.

prh47bridge you dont see the difference between meeting a new partner and moving in with the new partner and her kids.

This child now has 3 permanent places that she stays at. That's not great for her. 50:50 care can be difficult if kids dont feel like they have one base. This child has 3.

It would be so easy for the ops boyfriend to stay with his daughter then this wouldnt be questioned.

Though I do think people have valid concerns about what happens when the daughter starts school. It's a couple of years away, but you need to think about these things.

The problem when things happen fast they arent planned well.

The courts may not change anything. I doubt they will about ops house. But I totally get why the mother is concerned. She knows him. She has been in the ops position. He has a new girlfriend, got her pregnant by accident, moved in with her even though it doesnt suit his contact and now the child is sleeping in a 3rd place.

The courts may not change anything. I doubt they will about ops house. But I totally get why the mother is concerned.

Which is fine, but this is legal. The OPs question was not about whether the mother was right to be concerned or not so she and others are within their right to ignore posts offering judgement where opinions weren’t asked for.

Their court date is in July and we honestly just can't believe she's dragging them back to court over this. Has anyone been through similar or could offer any advice?

OP also said the above.

Is it not ok for people to address the fact that they cant believe she has gone back as she has concerns. If she is concerned she has the right to do that.

@threeprincesses Do try and ignore those posters who think they're on AIBU and have nothing to offer but personal criticism.

FWIW you have done nothing to attract criticism.

I can't see when the original court order was made. Could you clarify?

I cannot imagine that the court is likely to change the arrangements. As prh47Bridge says, the court might tweak them a little but I suspect not given the arrangements seem to be working well.

You've posted about this situation before, OP.

And as you say in this thread too, you have no direct contact with his XP. You are relying totally (or almost totllay) on his version of events.

If younassume that she's not deranged, you will see quite different concerns. Two homes fine, three not so good.

The circumstances have changed so it should go back to court.
I don’t understand the mid week contact. Why not a Friday after work to make it a long weekend?

The child doesn't have 3 homes . She has her mothers home and our home. She stays at grandmas once every other Tuesday. Just like I'm sure she stays at her maternal grandmothers too. That's classed as a sleepover. I think a lot of you are clearly just married women with children from the same family. You can't pass comment or make judgement on something you haven't been through or have no idea about. Blended families are so much more common now and regardless to whether you think it's happened too fast, it's done now. What's the point in going backwards and making the situation even more confusing. Thank you for all your un wanted opinions though! And thank you to all those who gave me the advice I was looking for! I feel much better about the situation and hopefully this can all be settled for good.

@Collaborate thank you! the original court order was made because she kept threatening to stop contact and then did stop contact for 2 weeks. She had stopped contact for 3 weeks when they first split too.

I think a lot of you are clearly just married women with children from the same family. You can't pass comment or make judgement on something you haven't been through or have no idea about.

Try again. Maybe the reason lots of us are telling you to be more cautious is exactly because we have been through it. Did you consider that people were speaking from experience?

It's not going backwards to ensure your partners daughter gets lone contact time with her Dad. It would be a step forwards. It will show to the court that her interests are being put before his.

If he was asked why he leaves his daughter with the grandparents overnight rather than stay with her what would he say?

She has three households then, if you're going to kick off at the term 'homes' and her father is not with her at the 'sleepover'

I think that is a valid angle for the courts to explore - to balance the father's wishes (which at the moment do not include sleeping over with his DC when there is no obvious reason why he could not) against the interests of a toddler's overall pattern of regular residence.

Never, ever make assumptions about the background of MN posters whose advice you find less welcome. Firstly, you are likely to be wrong, and secondly it makes you look as if you are driven by what you want to believe is the case rather than what it actually is.

@Teaandchocolatecake I asked him this last night and he said because he lives at my house which is closer to drive to work and he doesn't want to wake his daughter up at 5.30am

I feel so sorry for this little girl. She may seem happy now, but that’s because she’s little more than a toddler. When she gets older and more aware, she’s not going to be happy being lumped in with her feckless father’s other children, except on every other Tuesday, when she’s left with the gps, while he goes off to play happy families. An innocent child surrounded by people that can only see as far as their own selfish needs.

He can stay there. He doesn't have to get her up.

He lives with you but his daughter isnt with him. It would kill him to stay there one night every 2 weeks.

It isnt a sleep over. That's where his midweek contact happens. He has arranged it as an ongoing solution when the simplest one is to stay with her.

Dont assume other posters set ups.

I currently have 1 child. Dp has 4 step kids who he treats as his own. Doesnt have any biological kids. His ex hates us both, but the kids (older) still want to spend time with me and dp.

So theres 5 involved here from 8 to 22.

@S1naidSucks there's thousands of children in blended families that share with their step siblings when they stay at their dads. Do you expect him to live alone for the rest of his life and never meet anyone just so she can be by herself with him. Unfortunately that's not how life works. By the time she's older we'll have a 3 bedroom so she'll only have to share with 1 other child which will be her half sister. I think a lot of you are missing the point and not looking at the bigger picture

prh47bridge you dont see the difference between meeting a new partner and moving in with the new partner and her kids

Yes, there is a difference but the point remains. Mum has introduced the child to her new partner but apparently, according to posters on this thread, dad shouldn't introduce the child to his new partner. Many posters seem to think he shouldn't have introduced his child to his new partner regardless of whether or not he is moving in with her on the grounds that it is too soon.

I think that is a valid angle for the courts to explore - to balance the father's wishes (which at the moment do not include sleeping over with his DC when there is no obvious reason why he could not) against the interests of a toddler's overall pattern of regular residence

The courts generally aren't interested in the specific childcare arrangements made by the parents when the child is in their care. The father is staying with her until he puts her to bed, so she sees about as much of him as she would if he stayed the night. In any event, as I've said a couple of times, the courts may see the change as reason to modify the pattern of contact but it isn't necessarily justification for reducing contact as the mother seems to want.

prh47bridge I must have missed people saying the op should have met the child at all.

But there is a massive difference between meeting a partner and been thrown into the new partners family and having a half sibling thrown in as well.

threeprincesses theres a huge difference between how fast you have gone and him never being allowed to live with anyone again.

I think a lot of people are just trying to pick holes here. I did think when I read the OP that it was a bit quick, HOWEVER, it really is not the end of the world. A child sharing a room with other children is not going to destroy her mentally for god sake. Nor is staying at her grandparents house once every two weeks.

I honestly think people nowadays don't know what real problems are. IF they break up, which is always a possibility in any relationship, it would be unfortunate yes. But the child will not be traumatised by it. You all really need to relax.

In any case, she asked for legal advice.

@Shequakes

@S1naidSucks said when she gets older and more aware, she's not going to be happy being lumped in with her feckless father's other children so she's talking about in the future hence my comment is he expected to live alone for the rest of his life.

If he wants midweek contact to continue, he would need to look for somewhere closer to her grandparents and then school and change his hours on a Wednesday morning.

Not be alone. But plan where he will live and work around childcare. Like parents do.

It has all happened very quickly but it's been done in the most sensitive way possible. We spent 3 months doing activities together and just spending a few hours together in the day before he moved in. When she arrives here for the weekend her face lights up and she runs in looking for my daughters to play with. She's two years old and little ones adapt really well to situations. God forbid anything went wrong between me and my partner but at present we're happy and strong and trying our best to make the best out of a messy situation for our little ones. I truly believe we'll make it until the end and hopefully we do and our children get to grow up together.

@Shequakes midweek contact was agreed by all parties including the mother that it was only going to happen until she started school. As she's only two it would be good to spend that extra time with her father whilst she's very small. There was talk of it changing to just dinner on Tuesday evenings once she's started school.