Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

My partners ex is taking him to court.

212 replies

threeprincesses · 06/06/2019 14:38

Hello,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 months now, I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have two other daughters from a previous relationship and he has his daughter with his ex. My partner and his ex have had a very sour break up, she really resents him for leaving and when they bicker she is constantly stating how he made the choice to leave her and their daughter. She was absolutely furious when she found out about me and that has made the situation between them very bitter. In February I met their daughter for the first time, we took her to the sea life centre and a few weeks later my partner uploaded a photo of us all. We've both blocked her on all our social media but she somehow had seen the photo and left work early, drove to their daughters nursery picked her up and took her home. This was in my partners time with their daughter, she text him telling him not to bother picking the child up as she already had, he wouldn't be having her as she wasn't allowing him to play happy families, use her child as pawn and upload pictures of her child with me. She stopped contact for two weeks. In this time my partner contacted their mediator who wrote a court order for him and applied to court. They went to court and he was granted every other weekend and every other Tuesday he would have their child over night and his mum would look after her on Wednesday whilst he worked, then he would have dinner with his daughter and drop her back home for 6.30pm that evening. At the time he was living at his parents house and this was all going smoothly. My partner moved into my home on May 11th so informed his ex about this a week later when he had his daughter for their weekend together. He told her that she was spending her first weekend at my home. His ex hit the roof saying she was calling the police and they will be coming to remove the child and bring her home. This all had happened late that evening so it was left until the next day. The next day my partner went to his parents house and called his ex, his parents recorded the phone call and she was screaming down the phone about how he's a liar, she's been looking on my social media, she's seen that I've been looking to swap homes on housing exchange groups etc she asked where her daughters sleeping. He told her that his daughter was sleeping in my two little girls bedroom with them, she was in a toddler bed. (She stated in their last court hearing that she wanted her child in a toddler bed and not a travel cot or anything else other than a toddler bed) and that their child was happy and had nothing to worry about. He said he will write my address down in their contact handover book and he would send her a photograph of the bedroom. It's a huge double bedroom with more than enough room, space and toys. She declined his offer of the photograph and asked what was going to be happening with the Tuesday contact. He told her it would be unfair to have their daughter stay at my house on the Tuesday as that would mean waking her up at 5.30am to take her to his parents house before he left for work. So she was staying at his parents (her grandparents) house on the Tuesday evening, he would have dinner with her, bath her and put her to bed there before he came home, then after work on the Wednesday he would go straight over have dinner with her, spend some time and drop her home at 6.30pm like normal. She wasn't happy with this as he wouldn't be caring for the child overnight and threatened to stop the midweek contact. By this point he was exhausted of arguing so his father text her asking her not to stop the midweek contact as that would be breaching the court order. Well nothing has been said since, we have been having his daughter like normal. Until yesterday, a letter turned up for him from the courts saying she has applied to go back to court. She made the application the following Monday after the weekend she was told about all of this. In her summary she's written that my partner has breached their contact order by making the agreement under false pretences, she said that he is not living at the address he stated and that her daughter is sharing a bedroom with two other children under 5 and she would like the court to review the court order and put more detailed guidelines in place and she also wants minimal contact from her child's father to reduce the conflict. My partner did not make their agreement under false pretences. The court asked where he lived at the time of the court hearing and he stated his parents house because that is where he was living! Their court date is in July and we honestly just can't believe she's dragging them back to court over this. Has anyone been through similar or could offer any advice?

OP posts:
Holdthedamndoor · 06/06/2019 18:46

They have stuck to legal answers.

They cant make him move

They could reduce contact

The mother has a right to be concerned.

In addition to that people have pointed out the children's best interests are not being taken into account

Because while its legal, nowhere does MN state tou can comment in an overall situation.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/06/2019 18:47

He wouldn't be with her in the morning anyway because he would be at work lol

He’s really not doing midweek care is he. They should drop the midweek overnight and he should just have her for dinner. That’s all he’s doing anyway except he’s probably getting away with reducing his child maintenance for having her that night (as well as for your children)

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 18:48

Yeah, it's something else, isn't it, Hold.

Teaandchocolatecake · 06/06/2019 18:53

I think he would have been far better if he’d continued to spend his contact time at his parents house with his daughter.

As a mother I wouldn’t be happy with my child forming bonds with children that were part of a new relationship when she is unlikely to see then again if the (very new) relationship fails.

He put his wants before considering what was best for his child.

Teaandchocolatecake · 06/06/2019 18:55

It wouldn’t surprise me if the court removed the midweek contact but they cannot force your partner to live elsewhere.

threeprincesses · 06/06/2019 18:56

@ILoveMaxiBondi because he got the Tuesday contact so he could have more time with her as he only has her every other weekend. She gets to spend Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with him and his mum looks after her whilst he's at work. I work Monday-Wednesday so I can't look after her whilst he's at work. And yes I will manage just fine, it's one evening for him to be able to spend time with a daughter he doesn't get to see much.

He also pays more maintenance then he even should be. So bloody opinionated and judgemental you are! You must be so bored.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/06/2019 19:04

I work Monday-Wednesday so I can't look after her whilst he's at work.

Nor should you!! She’s his child to sort childcare for. It doesn’t fall to you just because you are available, which you will be in a few months. Watch out for him asking. He will.

He also pays more maintenance then he even should be

More than he should Be? Confused how can a parent pay more for their child than they should be? Do you mean he pays more than the legal minimum? Parents can pay as much towards their DCs upbringing as they like. There is no should beyond the legal minimum. I bet you buy things for your children that aren’t essentials?

DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:04

It can be blinding when you are in a relationship with someone in the sense that you won't be looking at the overall bigger picture because you're too hung up on sticking up for the person who is your partner.

If you were an outsider looking in you would see a man putting himself first trying to play ready made families without thinking about the dc.

If this is a forever relationship then why does everything have to be so rushed? Take things slow, if it's meant to be it will all happen, but in time, not NOW.

DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:13

"He also pays more maintenance then he even should be."

My dp pays maintenance for his child and I can't say I've even commented on what he pays, let alone use it as a point scorer towards the mother.

You making that comment says everything, as though you are resenting that he pays more than he is "required " to under the surface.

A new partner who thinks (slightly smugly) the "crazy" ex (I'm sure he's used that term) is still in love with the their dp and is quietly resenting the child maintenance overpayments. Hmm

threeprincesses · 06/06/2019 19:15

@DaisyChains6 oh bloody give over love. I think it's brilliant that he pays more than the requirement from CMS because my children's dad pays nothing!! Get off my post and find something to do with your sad little life

OP posts:
DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:17

No you don't think it's "brilliant." The fact you needed to use it as a point scorer says everything.

threeprincesses · 06/06/2019 19:21

@DaisyChains6 I didn't use it as a point scorer 😂 I made a point of how he pays more than the requirement because someone else made a comment about how probably has his child on the Tuesday overnight so he could pay less. You're very rude!

OP posts:
Graphista · 06/06/2019 19:24

"Also my current pregnant wasn't planned. Stop making assumptions" shocker! Not!

Having 4 children he has parental responsibilities for soon and he can't even provide reasonable accommodation #whatacatch

Does he pay cm? Very convenient for him moving in with you with your 2 and your getting pregnant too 🤔

Think you also need to be prepared to discover he has other children

"but there is also the chance this will be her family forever. Whatever point you're trying to make here is so irrelevant." Its very far from irrelevant! Attachments being fucked about can screw someone up for the rest of their life!

IF you and he make a go of things then there's absolutely no need for it to be rushed into.

There's also as far as I can see no good reason why his contact with his dd couldn't have continued at his parents at least until you have this baby, easing her into spending more time with you and your kids.

I also hope to god you've had full sti screening, he sounds pretty crap on that score and some sti's can be very harmful in pregnancy/birth.

"This man has you all dancing round him. What's he doing? Probably sat on a games console." Yep!

"He also pays more maintenance then he even should be."

A if you're referring to the cms that's a legal MINIMUM that's not what he should be paying its the legal minimum that can be enforced. What he SHOULD be paying is 50% of the child's costs which I very much doubt he is.

B I strongly suspect if he hasn't already he'll soon decide to reduce that based on living with you and you having another of his kids. What he SHOULD be doing is not disadvantaging his eldest in order to provide for the youngest

DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:26

"Get off my post and find something to do with your sad little life"

I'm very rude am I... Hmm

DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:27

Of course it was point scoring. I assume maintenance will stay above the minimum requirement once the new baby comes along.

HundredMilesAnHour · 06/06/2019 19:27

I don't think anyone is being rude other than you OP. You seem to be blinded by this man and your dream of a forever life with him. People are trying to help you to see that his existing child is vulnerable and asking you to slow things down for everyone's sake. But you don't want to listen and just lash out instead. Whilst you may not agree, at least appreciate that people are trying to help you.

YukoandHiro · 06/06/2019 19:28

I think your perspective on her actions might change once you've had your child

IvanaPee · 06/06/2019 19:31

Get off my post and find something to do with your sad little life

I promise you, you’re in no position to call anyone else’s life sad.

DaisyChains6 · 06/06/2019 19:37

"What he SHOULD be doing is not disadvantaging his eldest in order to provide for the youngest"

This.

So far in 4 short months his little dd has met you, met your two dds, is staying at yours whilst with her father, probably doesn't get much alone time with daddy now she is "bonding" with her "new sisters," is sleeping in a new environment, has had her routine changed and in the next few months will have a new sibling to get used to. Plus when the baby comes she will most likely wonder why her new sister gets to stay in your house whilst she has to stay at granny's house so could feel left out and jealous.

Then if you get rehoused that will be another transition for her. She might seem happy but it will all be effecting her.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 06/06/2019 20:27

The mother is right to be concerned and seek a change.

I wonder what the arrangement will be for school holidays? It's usually half the holidays. How will he manage his contact if he's at work during that time as I doubt he gets 7 weeks off a year? You will end up with 4 very young children to look after as I'd bet my bottom dollar that he'll have got bored of playing daddy by the time his eldest starts school.

What's the plan for the next 16 years of contact? Has he even thought that far? School holidays and activities cause all sorts of issues with court orders. We have to change ours every year as our daughters are at different schools with different holidays.

So many men (and women) don't seem to have heard of condoms or have no idea how to use them.

I'm glad her mum is putting her first. Her dad certainly isn't.

I'd love to hear the mum's side of this.

Poor little girl.

Branleuse · 06/06/2019 21:26

He will do the same to you once hes bored.
Crazy unreasonable ex eh?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/06/2019 21:36

You see it 3 times a week here on MN.

Why do people not sit back and watch to see who their new partner is? Observe, listen, take note of how he parents, how he engages with his ex, how he manages his finances, why he’s living with his parents and not supporting himself.

Why do so many women jump in feet first, get pregnant, “oops! Better introduce him to my kids now and he might as well move in too as I’m having his baby”? It always follows the same script. So predictable. And always ends badly for the women and children.

iMatter · 06/06/2019 21:39

I never understand why we are supposed to applaud fathers who pay more than the absolute bare minimum required by the CMS as if that makes them a better parent. It's not rent-a-child.

I feel for your partner's daughter. Poor child.

This is a bloody mess OP and I don't think it's going to get any better.

ivegotthisyeah · 06/06/2019 21:47

With the mother. Far too much too soon I can not understand these people that try to merge families together after only being together for months It's madness. A massive change for the two year old mum and dad splitting up now she Share a room with random children?! It's weird! No way would I want my kids sharing a room or house with someone I had never met.
I am not saying you in any way are bad but imagine YOUR children having to sleep in a room with other kids you hadn't met!
Dad should be staying with parents for now with the little girl on the tues in future this will change but give ex wife time to adjust and calm down and little child time to adjust to mum and dad not living together.

CJsGoldfish · 06/06/2019 23:57

I feel like I shouldn't have added so much detail into this post because pretty much everyone has done nothing but be judgemental and focus on the irrelevant matters like how fast I got pregnant
OMG! Of course it's relevant. Choosing to have a baby after 5 minutes together rarely ends well and this guy already has history. You make stupid decisions and, of course, people will focus on it. Nothing about this screams ideal situation for any of the children involved and the 'adults' are too selfish to see this. I can't say I'd be happy to send my child to a home she has to share with (practically) strangers. Not only is she sharing a home and her father, she's 3 to a room.

Also my current pregnant wasn't planned
You have to say that right? Two adults, one who has already been in this very situation having knocked up someone else they didn't really know and you cry 'accident'? Uh huh.

I think it's brilliant that he pays more than the requirement from CMS because my children's dad pays nothing!!
Shows how low you set your bar OP. It's 'brilliant' that a father actually pays for his child? Wow. So you picked one father that pays nothing and another that is happy to have children with randoms. Let's hope that for the sake of your children, you get the next father right.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.