help...can my ex husband enforce who he thinks should be allowed to drop off and pick up our children from school?

[nat17]

Hi,

Our children live 50/50 with my ex and I and have done so for the last few years. we are constantly having disagreements about who can and cant babysit her, drop them off and pick her up from school etc.

I work full time so need to have after school care. Up to date i have to keep the peace agreed that it would only be either him or me that would pick her up, in my week he has 1st refusal on the pick up and then if not she goes to a childminder. He does not want her step father who she has lived with for the last 6 years or his parents who she loves being with to babysit her or to drop off or pick up from school if he is not able to do so. He is also accusing me of using playdates as another means of childcare and wants to be asked permission as to whether she can go on a playdate after school or not.

I have been told that while she is in my care i am allowed to choose who she is with including childcare without having to ask his permission. he has called a meeting to discuss childcare arrangements and i would like to go in for armed with information on what my rights are. has anyone had an experience like this or know what my rights are?

Assuming that you don't have a court order that requires you to consult on after-school care then, no, I don't think he has a right to insist on you getting his agreement.

a useful link from Families Need Fathers regarding Parental Responsibility. In the "Do parents with parental responsibility need to share decision making?" it outlines the general areas where you are and are not expected to gain agreement. It seems fairly clear from this that you only need to gain agreement for big decisions such as surgery and schooling. I can't see that after-school cover and, particularly, things like play-dates or babysitting are anywhere near that level of importance.

thank you and for the useful link, I shall look at that now. No we dont have a court order, to date we have tried to agree everything outside of court but it's hard sometimes as he is so intimadating and controlling :-(

He sounds very controlling. You are correct that when she is with you then you make the arrangements. He can't insist on being involved, and the court would back you up on that.

Forgot to say - hopefully it won't get to court.

You could always try mediation.

The only redress he has is to go to social services if he thinks she is being put in danger. If he did that they would want to know what danger. They would then come to you and ask who is doing the care and if you feel they are appropriate. You would get to answer your view of the danger raised by your ex. Assuming your current partner, mother, cm and friends parents are doing the care and none of them have concerns relating to child abuse or substance abuse etc ss would most likely tell your ex to stop being a twunt so controlling and close the case.

If you went through court he would still have to prove you are endangering your child.

Your answer to him is that the behaviour stops now. You will no longer be dictated to and you are happy to go through court if he feels the need. A court would give him very short shrift.

it's all good to know, i feel more empowered now i have the facts to stand my ground when I have my meeting with him. I hate the fact that I keep letting him control me, but he always seems to have an answer and is so manipulative and forceful that I find myself backing down and trying to maintain the relationship for our daughter's sake :-(

You don't have to go ahead with the meeting you know.... Just tell him you have no issues with your dp, mum, other parent etc picking up while DC is with you and if he does he is more than welcome to arrange mediation to discuss it.

Honestly, just tell him you have no intention of having a meeting over this. YOU are happy with who is collecting her on your watch, if he wants to make an arse of himself he can try talking to a lawyer about his 'rights' - whereupon he will get laughed at told in no uncertain terms he's wasting his time & money.

He is controlling you - don't let him!

Maintaining a good relationship for your DD is over-rated when it comes at such a high cost. Your DP must be at his wits end with you pandering to this git. It is not healthy for any of you.

Try to keep it civil as that's best for all but be assertive. He should not be dictating minute details when kids are under your control and the courts would not entertain his request if it went that far.

Do not have his meeting it will be all about him yet again won't it
Just email him that you are happy with your arrangements thank you and don't wish it to be mentioned again
Absolutely no reason to be at his beck and call whatsoever cheeky fecker don't go to his meeting

So, out of interest, do you have first refusal on who picks her up on "his" weeks?

i did end up having the meeting with him and he basically informed me that he wanted to go to court for residency to legalise our current 50/50 arrangement - not sure what his ulterior motive is for this, must be one as otherwise why would he want to make it formal if it's been working to date. He also wants to ask the court to formalise the agreement i mentioned above where we both have first refusal on all childcare so drop off/pick up from school, and when she is at home with us, so going to the ridiculous scenario if i want to pop out for a pint of milk and not have to take her with me i would need to ask him first in affect whether he wants her or whether he is ok for her to stay with her step father.

he doesnt care if i agree or not he is proceeding to court because in his eyes a judge would favour him as he works from home and can do all his drop offs and pick ups from school and anywhere she goes above me because i work full time!!

In answer to Clam's question, yes i do have 1st refusal on his week but he never asks because he works from home so doesnt ever need any help.

I think i need a good family lawyer, does anyone know of any in the hertfordshire area?

Let him proceed to court. They will formalise the 50/50 - but it might take them quite a lot of time to stop laughing about 'giving him first refusal'. Try not to worry.

Sorry, I don't know any lawyers in that area. If I were you I'd start a new thread with that in the title.

so basically he wants to go to court cos hes so arrogant he assumes theyll go 'yes sir, of course sir. heres everything you want' and hand him legal control on a plate.

what a fuckwit.

ra savage & co are family lawyers in herts. in welwyn garden city. just a suggestion x

my ex tried to dictate this kind of crap to me and got short shrift at court.

sit back and let him waste thousands. i don't even think you should spend money on representation for this...its such a non issue that I think he will even struggle to get a solicitor to defend that behaviour.

thanks for name of family lawyer will also try the new thread suggestion.

It's reasuring to hear that someone else has been through this and the ex has being given short drift at court.

I am still kicking myself that i let him try to bully and dictate what i can and cant do, I find him so intimidating still after all these years of being divorced :-( His behaviour though is a constant reminder though that however much it breaks my heart that my DD is constantly wishing that we get back together i definitely did the right think to walk away from such a controlling person and relationship.

Sounds an intolerable intrusion into your "new" family life. I hope you can kick him into touch find a solution that works for you.

They will formalise the 50/50

Actually no, they probably won't. The courts will only generally make an order if it is needed. They are unlikely to give him an order just to formalise an existing agreement where neither of you is objecting to the current arrangments.