Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Sick child today. Should contact go ahead tonight?

35 replies

HaventGotAStitchToWear · 03/05/2013 12:03

Hi
Any replies much appreciated. Child very sick today. Don't want to send to Daddy's for 2 the 2 hours tonight and don't feel comfortable sending her sibling either. If sibling goes she will be upset. Not sure what to do and my legal advisor not on hand. Also 6 hours contact tomorrow.
In the court case, one of the points I am making is that Daddy is not able to properly look after children's needs when sick. She will feel left out if her sibling goes.
Please advise!
Thanks

OP posts:
lostdad · 03/05/2013 12:22

If the child is too sick to travel, no. If the child can travel, yes.

He's your dd's parent too and part of what parents do is care for sick children. It will be good for her to see him caring for and demonstrating he is an involved parent.

How is he not able to care for the children when he is sick?

lostdad · 03/05/2013 12:22

When they are sick...sorry!

skintagshame · 03/05/2013 12:24

'Daddy is not able to properly look after children's needs when sick' well maybe its time he was given the chance to learn how to

Booyhoo · 03/05/2013 12:27

sick how? cold, D&V, chickenpox?

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 03/05/2013 12:27

He's selfish and not a caring person. He would neglect her needs and do whatever he wanted to do. He would put the other child first. I feel it would be unsettling for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 03/05/2013 12:29

I do not want to give too much information as I like to remain anonymous. She has something that requires antibiotics and it is the worst day of the sickness

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 03/05/2013 12:33

is she only going for 2 hours?
it relaly depends what he has planned. if he's taking them to the swimming pool then no she wont enjoy that so you just tel him she's not fit for it and does he want to re-arrange. if he's just taking them to his place for dinner and playing then she'll be fine, she can chill on the sofa. send her medication, calpol, enough changes of clothes. write down specfic dosage instructions including times.

skintagshame · 03/05/2013 12:35

you say you have a court case pending? how do you know he is not able to look after her needs when sick if you dont let him? if he has legal contact visits im afraid you cant stop him, you need to just let him get on with it, unless you think she might be in danger, i also dont think you should stop your other child going if her sibling is too sick to go out, and tbh it sounds like you are making excuses for them not to go

megandraper · 03/05/2013 12:38

I think you must let the sibling go. If both the children had been invited to a party, would you keep the sibling home just because the sick child was upset at not going? Surely not. That does sound like making excuses.

Wrt the sick child, I think you must do what is in the child's best interests. If they can cope with travelling, and your ex will give medication/allow the child to rest, then they should go, and if not - then no.

Sorry, I know it's awfully hard - every parental instinct goes against sending a sick child away from you. I hope you find a solution.

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 03/05/2013 13:18

Skintagshame- when the father did have the children previously, before court, he was not attending to their needs adequately

OP posts:
sobored2013 · 03/05/2013 15:56

you have to atleaset send the healthy one. he is their father.

PaperLantern · 03/05/2013 16:01

Send the healthy one or reschedule (reschedule both ideally) if you're arguing he's not capable in court then you rather undermine your argument if you send her now.

Reschedule, or at least offering to reschedule, saves yourself the headache of being accused of trying to undermine access

PaperLantern · 03/05/2013 16:03

TBH young children really just want to be at home with mum if their ill. if access is for their benefit they aren't going to enjoy it if they are ill

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 03/05/2013 20:55

Got your msg too late PaperLantern
I sent them for their dinner tonight but feel that tomorrow isn't a good idea. Is it legitimate to say that I don't want to send her tomorrow? Their Daddy's choice of dinner tonight was questionable, as was his suggestion for a suitable activity tomorrow.
I think I might like to keep her tomorrow and let her sibling go.
Please advise as I haven't been able to get in contact with my solicitor!
:-(

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 03/05/2013 21:45

Problem is, we don't know what you define as a questionable dinner or activity. Slugs and skydiving, yes. McDonald's and bowling, less so...

betterthanever · 04/05/2013 00:11

if it's court ordered you are unlikely to get action taken against you for one miss. Agree with other posters he should be able to look after an ill child but also agree as the contact is for the child's sake and she would not enjoy it as ill, keep her home. I'd let the sibling go.

kittycat68 · 04/05/2013 09:20

if its court oderd and you are going through court still be aware thtat the court will not look favourably that you have refused contact.
It will go against you at court and you will be seen to have refused the contact.
Unfortunately, whilst you are concerned, you have to let him try and fail first!!! and you are going to need independant medical assment after contact to say she is worse off after going.
Its totally natural to want to keep her at home with you while she is sick but a court will not see it that way, sorry.
You could go to your GP if they are understanding and ask them if they can give you a letter to say your child is to sick to go?

If there is no court order, you dont have to send them. But again if its going through the court process they will look at it unfavourablely.

It is unfortunate that your ex is a bit of a A*E BUT fathers are seem as great guys they work and look after there kids and belong on a pedastal at court, whilst mothers are nasty uncaring women, so be warned. This may not be what you want to hear Op, but sadly true.

lostdad · 04/05/2013 10:19

kittycat68 - `BUT fathers are seem as great guys they work and look after there kids and belong on a pedastal at court, whilst mothers are nasty uncaring women, so be warned'

...not in the 30+ court hearings I've been to so far...

kittycat68 · 04/05/2013 12:18

lost dad, as a representative of FNF i wouldnt expect you to agree.

but in the 50+ hearings ive been involved with it IS in the main.

unfortunately courts are not about what is fair and just and reasonable these days or in the childs best interests. Its about hard facts and evidence at court as you well know.

balia · 04/05/2013 13:30

BUT fathers are seem as great guys they work and look after there kids and belong on a pedastal at court, whilst mothers are nasty uncaring women, so be warned

Not in my experience, either, although I haven't been involved with anywhere near as many hearings. Funny how Residence is granted to mothers in something like 93% of cases, what with all this rampant unchecked pro-male bias. Hmm

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 04/05/2013 13:44

Now he's asking her to come over just for an hour or two to see a relative.

I think that will be ok and as posts above suggesting that it will b looked upon badly, perhaps I should!

On the other hand, if I let her go over there when v sick, surely that will make it look as though I can trust him to look after her properly.

Honestly though, what the hell is 'evidence' when they're talking about small children!!!

Any suggestions?

Much appreciated!

OP posts:
clam · 04/05/2013 14:03

As a general rule, there should be no reason why a hands-on dad shouldn't be able to look after a sick child just as much as the mum.
Key word there is, general. If this bloke has got 'previous' for not stepping up to the mark, then it's not unreasonable for the OP to have reservations.

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 04/05/2013 14:18

Thanks clam. Yes he has a history of outright neglect when children sick. Not noticing when they're sick, not attending to their needs and on one occasion being very heavily intoxicated when he had sole responsibility (he denies this of course in his own interests.) Today he has family visiting and his main concern is them. I don't think a busy environment like that is a suitable place for her. She has her head in my lap at the moment...
I have told him I'll let him know if she perks up and then she might go over & see them& receive presents.

All advice welcome.

OP posts:
clam · 04/05/2013 15:33

What was his response to that? Has he accepted that she is unwell, or does he think you're exaggerating? Did your other child go in the end? If so, it does at least show you're not just being awkward. And if your dd is feeling that rough, then she might not create too much about missing out and her brother going.

Original poster
HaventGotAStitchToWear · 04/05/2013 15:59

I sent her for an hour.

He did believe me and was accepting of what I told him.

Do you know what the worst part is for me? The uncertainty.

The 'What should I do?' 'What will the court think?' 'What will the kids think?' 'What will he think?' and trying to chart a best course of action all the time while at the same time looking after kids, house, work... Texts back and forward with him actually put me on edge, as does having to see him.
:-(

OP posts: