When did you know you wanted a third?

[jemimajack]

We've just had our second baby.

DH tells me he's 90% sure he doesn't want a third (but he said that about a second and then changed his mind when DC1 was 6m old...)

He's also told me to keep the clothes 'just in case' - and that we should just decide in a few years.

I think I'm leaning more towards having a third - we have the space and finances to support. Wouldn't need a bigger car or house or anything. But I'm not 100% sure.

My question is - at what point did you discuss a third if you were, like us, not completely decided? If you waited a couple of years to see how the land lies, what did you then decide on? Those who's husbands didn't want one after DC2, did they then change their mind?

Just feels a bit confusing to not know how this might pan out and also my mixed feelings aren't helping!

I always knew I wanted more than two.

I had two and definitely knew I wasn't done, I was waiting for someone to arrive.

I'm pregnant with my third now, and I know she is my last. Financially we are comfortable with three, if we had four we'd have to review the opportunities we could offer in terms of education, extracurriculars and travel for our existing children.

Also I don't want to be pregnant again. I'll be glad when this is done and I can shut up shop so to speak.

If you're young enough, just wait and see how you feel.

Thanks @SunSurfSand

I'm approaching 35..... so I'm not really sure I have the luxury of time!

I think if we were to go for it it would have to be in 1-2 years tops.

I guess we do just need to wait a while and see how we feel!

Anyone else?

We've always been undecided other than always thinking 'we want at least 2'. We talk about it regularly and I'd say just over the past few weeks DH has decided he's committed to camp third. I'm still on the fence, and it's not because I don't want a third, I actually definitely do, but I'm concerned about finances and mostly our house. There's not really any prospect of us being able to move anywhere bigger and DS and DD's bedrooms are both small, and there's 3.5 yrs between them two, and they're opposite sexes. So if third child was sex of first child it would mean eventually two of them sharing with a 6+ yr age gap which really seems very far from ideal.

I probably should have said, our youngest is 20 months now.

We’re in a relatively similar position. We had no 2 a few months ago and since my pregnancy with him I’ve thought a lot about whether to have a third. We’ve agreed not to discuss until the new year, but like you OP I am really struggling with not knowing how things will pan out, in a way that I didn’t after having my first.

dh is one of 4 and I am one of 3. My sibling has 3 my cousin has 3. It just seems like a pretty usual thing to me. I don't think we ever made long term plans about it, we just decided the time was right to come off contraception again about 20months after dc2 was born.
At no stage, with a new born was it ever a discussion If decisions were taken at that stage, then surely nobody would ever have a 2nd child, let alone a 3rd.

@AKM89 yes this is exactly how I feel. Although I'm not 100% either way myself so can't expect DH to be either 

@UsingChangeofName yes you're probably absolutely right!

Don't underestimate the role of hormones in these things... I was obsessed with thoughts of a 3rd child after the birth of my second (and in fact I'd been thinking a lot about a 3rd even during pregnancy with the second). My husband and I discussed early on after the 2nd and, even though there were pretty much no practical points in favour of a 3rd, we both felt we wanted it and decided to try. We tried for a few months and nothing happened, and then we stopped trying as didn't want it to get in the way of other important life stuff. Second is 20 months now and actually the desire for a 3rd has really faded, for both of us. I think partly because life feels like a bit of a slog with 2 small ones (it has felt a lot harder since the youngest turned 1 and is also mobile etc), and the idea of adding another one to the mix just wasn't desirable anymore. But I do wonder how much of my enthusiasm for a 3rd was just the raging pregnancy and post-partum hormones.

We haven't completely abandoned the idea. I've given away 90% of our baby stuff but kept back a few core items just in case. I like the idea of being pregnant and even giving birth, oddly, but not sure I've got the energy for another set of the first 3 years. (plus the usual stuff about family balance, time available for each kid, impact on careers, ease of doing things together as a family etc). I do think if we'd started this journey younger I would have definitely had 3. But not sure it makes sense now. We have parked the final decision for a year or so, to let life (which has been complicated) settle down a bit.

Anyway, enjoy your baby (I was a bit annoyed with myself spending so much time in the newborn days with 2nd fantasising about a non-existent sibling!), and good luck whatever you decide.

I have no advice OP, but feel like we are in a similar position so interested to read about what other people have done! We also have a 2yo and 2mo, I’m almost 35, and I’m very keen for a third. My periods didn’t return for over a year after my first child, so I’m sort of hoping that the same thing will happen and we’ll have reached a decision by that point. My worry is that I love the newborn stage and will never feel “done” - but then I’ll end up with all these children and discover that I’m a rubbish mum to older kids…

We have two kids, the youngest is 14 months. When he was born, I just knew I wasn't done. I told my husband that we needed to have a third. He was leaning towards just two but willing to have a third if I really wanted. I spent months reading threads like these trying to decide. It kind of felt obsessive, in part because we're late 30s and I felt the decision needed to be made now. I was so sad at the thought of this being my last ever pregnancy, last ever baby.

WELL... That feeling started fading away around 6 months down the line, and now with two very active and demanding little boys I can categorically say NO MORE. Our family feels complete. It didn't feel complete after he was born because he was just a sweet baby, but as he's become his own little person and our family dynamic has shifted and incorporated him, it does. When he was a newborn it was easy! We had one child and one potato. Now when they're both running in different directions, fighting over my attention, trying my patience, and both eating more than me already... I know I'm at my limits as a parent lol. A third would push me over the edge. Sometimes I think about having a third, another member of the family, but then I think about all the things that could go wrong and I think it would be best all round if we get an adorable puppy instead.

So, I guess my advice would be to wait until the hormones have settled and you've settled into being a family of four, and wait until your child has his own personality, then decide!

Whilst I was pregnant with no2 we were talking seriously about a third. Thankfully we had a shared vision of our family. Then once we had our third, I felt done and complete. I feel pretty lucky.

Whether I'd actually recommend three as a good idea is another matter...

I always wanted 3 or 4. I think DH was only swung for a third because we had had two girls. 3rd was a boy (had at 36) and I couldn’t face even the thought of a 4th until he was 3, by then I was about to turn 40 and DH was keen to shut that door before the horse bolted and went for the snip.

Before having kids we both wanted 2. Soon after DC2 was born I decided I wanted a third. It took me a year to convince DH, then he suddenly agreed!

I've always known I want more than 2. DH never gave it any thought, always just assumed he'd have 2. Our second is just over 1yo now and he's coming round to the idea of a third. We've both decided to actively avoid a pregnancy for another year-ish though.

I thought I was done at 2 until mine were 13 and 7 then we started trying for a third and ended up with twins!

We have two and I was sure I was done after second was born, but DH always wanted another.
Youngest is almost 3 and I now can't stop thinking of having another, so definitely not done!
Now on the TTC journey for baby no3, I must be mad! But we're already excited at the prospect of our little tribe getting bigger.

Can I just say how on earth are people thinking about another baby when pregnant or with a newborn? If anything it takes me years to entertain the idea 😂🤦🏼‍♀️
Thinking about 3rd now and we have a 10yr old and 7yr old, kind of like the final hurrah, currently 30.

I can't understand it when pregnant (hate pregnancy!), but both of mine have been really sleepy, lovely cuddly newborns that make me so broody. Then they hit 6mo, wake every 30 minutes or less, bite my nipples and scream about everything and I vow never to let DH touch me again... until they turn 1 and then I start to come around to the idea.

I always wanted three and I'd go for a third baby any day. However, babies turn into children and as much as I love them 2 children are enough for me. Babies are beautiful, uncomplicated creatures, young children whilst lovely are hard work!

Our littlest is now 4 months and I'm still strongly feeling broody for a third. Conversation last night and DH is probably even more sure that he's done.

I just really hope that as our two get older I start to feel content with two and not broody for the rest of my life! It would certainly make more sense to stop at 2.

@AKM89 any progress your end? 🤣

I’m pregnant with 3rd now. I’m 35 and have a 5-year-old and 1-year-old. After having our first, DH and I realised we wanted a big family. We never planned or discussed this before, but it was like a switch ‘flipped’ and we suddenly loved family life and kids. I had a miscarriage in the summer, and the devastation of that cemented the fact that we want 3-4 kids.

This has been planned since having our first. We were strategic about property ownership, and have just bought and moved into our ‘forever’ home that will allow us to grow to a family of 5 or 6. I’ve got myself to a position in my career where I can take a few years off and then freelance for a decent hourly rate. We built savings etc.

But this also involves financial sacrifices that we wouldn’t have to make if we stayed at 2 DC. We’re going down to one car (I’ll have to do the school run on public transport), holidays will be local and cheap for the next 10 years or so, DC are limited to 1 extra-curricular activity each etc. However, I’m a music teacher, so I’ll teach them piano + another instrument, and we live in a French-speaking country, so they are bilingual. No takeaway coffee, no eating out, one date night ‘out’ per month to a cheap restaurant with a free babysitter (we take turns with another couple with kids). We are happy to make these sacrifices to have a bigger family, but I’m completely understand and respect those who wouldn’t want to do that.

The most important thing is that you and your DH agree on it. A larger family only works if you have an engaged father who is willing to put the effort and love into it. Otherwise, you’ll end up doing it all yourself and will hate it.

@jemimajack I felt exactly the same when our second was that age! By 10 months when baby was crawling the feeling started to fade. Now baby is 18 months we are 100% sticking with two!! The reality of having two kids with different wants and needs has definitely overridden any fantasy I had about having a larger family 😆😆 I loved the idea of having three kids but I now know my limits! For me personally, I feel very lucky to have two relatively easy children and don't want to risk the happy, thriving family we have for another roll of the genetic dice (there's various issues on both sides of our family). Of course your circumstances may be very different from ours!

@PollyPeep you give me hope that the feeling may fade!! There are so many reasons to stick at 2. And I do love pregnancy and newborns and Mat leave and breastfeeding so wondering if I just want that bit again. I know there are so many benefits of just having two!

@jemimajack I know what you mean! I actually decided to go freelance after my mat leave ended because I really loved mat leave, I didn't want it to end! As it turns out, trying to work with a toddler at home is not really the same as newborn snuggles on the sofa 😂 I found it hard to reconcile with this being my last baby and closing that chapter of my life. In a way it feels like your youth is also coming to an end - no more pregnancy excitement, no more newborns. I never understood how someone could ever want that to end. But when the hormones faded, I realised that I felt the same. I'm excited to move forward with the two kids we have and have no desire to experience the stress of pregnancy, the horrors of birth, the exhaustion of babyhood, and then the absolute hassle of another child lol. On a personal note, we already have one child suspected on the autistic spectrum and we didn't want to risk the relatively high chance of having another who might be more severely affected. Our lives now are calm, happy, and I've seen exactly how stressful having a severely disabled child can be. Actually I've gone from being desperate for a third child a year ago to thinking about leaving it to fate... to actively researching vasectomies 😆 Hormones are a crazy ride!