When did you know you wanted a third?

[jemimajack]

We've just had our second baby.

DH tells me he's 90% sure he doesn't want a third (but he said that about a second and then changed his mind when DC1 was 6m old...)

He's also told me to keep the clothes 'just in case' - and that we should just decide in a few years.

I think I'm leaning more towards having a third - we have the space and finances to support. Wouldn't need a bigger car or house or anything. But I'm not 100% sure.

My question is - at what point did you discuss a third if you were, like us, not completely decided? If you waited a couple of years to see how the land lies, what did you then decide on? Those who's husbands didn't want one after DC2, did they then change their mind?

Just feels a bit confusing to not know how this might pan out and also my mixed feelings aren't helping!

I have so many similar feelings as posters above! We have 2 children, 2 years apart, when the second was a baby I was obsessed with the idea of having a 3rd, my partner thought I was crazy. For me, it was all hormones and coming to terms with the fact this would be my last pregnancy, labour, newborn stage etc. My last go at it.

When my youngest reached 1 the feelings faded. As others have said, the exhausting reality of 2 small children and the schedules, demands, school runs, emotional dramas etc that come with that have made me realise I just couldn’t cope adding another child into the mix. I absolutely love having 2 though and our family is complete.

Neither my partner nor I have the energy to even contemplate it now or really the finances to give 3 children everything we want to give them long term despite on paper a very good income. I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years and when my youngest starts school it will also be when I will get my life and career back on track, so starting again with a baby would be a massive setback for me personally and I’m not sure I could do this.

But, I get very jealous when a close friend or relative has a baby and I don’t think those occasional feelings of ‘what If’ will ever completely go away. If we really wanted to do it I think we should have taken the leap and had a 3rd when the youngest was really small as it would be too hard to go back to naps, bottles, crawling etc now.

(But, crazy as it sounds, I’m still not quite ready to part with the last of the baby items just yet!!)

I have to say though, I thought I'd have three kids since I was a very young age. When I imagined my future family it always had three kids, and my husband and I were set on it before we had our second. There is a small part of me that will always feel ever so slightly incomplete. But the reality of kids has been different from what I'd imagined - more tiring, more stressful and just generally...more haha. It's been hard to let go of, but we're going to achieve our family of five by getting a dog ❤️

@PollyPeep @Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon

This is really what I need to read thank you!! I don't actually want to convince my husband. I just want the broodiness to go away!! So I shall live in hope that it will one day!

I am holding my baby as we speak and I just feel so sad every day that this will be the last time etc etc and it's so frustrating as I just want to eeek happy and content. He's really wonderful, they both are. I feel so guilty for wanting 'more'.

@jemimajack I know that feeling well! If it feels almost like a desperate obsession that you can't help thinking about over and over, it could well be hormones!

Yep, I really felt that too! I just couldn’t get my head around the fact I wouldn’t be pregnant again (I had a couple of losses too so pregnancies were full of anxiety). I think I’ve finally come to terms with this but it really has taken so long!

Also, I should add I have a close family member with x3 a similar age to mine so I’ve seen first hand how much more stressful it looks than x2 🤣 logistically it just seems such a nightmare trying to work out multiple school runs, clubs, bday parties, holidays etc it just goes on and on.

Of course, there are many amazing things about having more than x2 children and it might be brilliant for you, if you do decide to do it! For us, we had to weigh up the advantages of giving my children another sibling vs the difficulties we would face as a family. Our eldest child can be very demanding, and neither child likes to go to bed, we are run ragged from 6.30am-8.30pm. Also, my OH is a brilliant Dad but struggles being around chaos for too long, isn’t great at multitasking and housework and generally finds them overwhelming at times. He also doesn’t cope well without sleep so I’ve done nearly all wake-ups etc. He has a stressful day job and a 3rd child would seriously impact his ability to do this from home with all the distractions and this would be on less sleep too. If we both thrived on the chaos and coped better on less sleep then we would probably have gone for it :)

@jemimajack It’s so hard isn’t it, when it occupies so much of your brain space. As other posters have said, for me I think that was a sign it was hormonal.

Like yours, my husband becomes more set against the idea each day; so, in a way, that’s my decision made. But have others have suggested, my own visceral desire is also fading. Now my baby is a bit older and on the move things are easier in ways but also harder, and I can see how my current two will already take up so much of my time. Both of mine have been dreadful sleepers (still are!). By the time we’d need to make the decision I think they’ll be playing together really well, and I’m not sure I’ll have it in me to have another and plunge us back into the bay chaos. So while I’m not there quite yet, I have hope the feeling will pass, or that I’ll at least be able to rationalise it a bit more.

I have two children who are 15 months apart. For the first year I was so anti third child as I was so exhausted.

My children are 3 and 4 now... I am more and more tempted to try for a third. I just don't feel done at all, and my family just doesn't feel complete.
My husband is still undecided.

I didn't want any children. Then accidentally got pregnant with DS1 and took to motherhood really well. My husband always wanted 2, so we had DD, and all through that pregnancy I just wasn't done. I didn't want that to be my last pregnancy, and I didn't want her to be my last baby. My husband however is very much done. He asked me to not talk about it until 2024, just to see if we both still feel the same. Now the new year is approaching, the kids are almost 5 and almost 2.5 and I'm actually no longer sure how I feel. I LOVE our family unit. When I look forward to the future I see us as a family of 5 (I'm one of 5 kids so I like the big family vibe) but I no longer know if I want to rock the boat again right now when life feels so easy right now. The kids get on so well, everything just sort of works, my OH and I enjoy taking the kids individually when we can, one parent and two kids works well, we have the money to do all sorts of fun things without really thinking about it too much or worrying about spending (within reason). When people talk about 3 kids it mostly sounds really difficult...someone gets left out, car seats, hotel rooms, holiday costs, rollercoaster set ups, swimming ratios...it's a whole list of hurdles.

Appreciate this doesn't answer the question, but just aligning with other comments that the broody feeling can subside as the babes get bigger!

This!!!

I think for me the decision was made when I looked after my mums dogs. When they both wanted to sit on me I was like NOPE, I AM ALREADY TOUCHED OUT! so perhaps I don't have the capacity for more children 😅

I absolutely knew I wasn't done when I was pregnant with my second and we started to ttc #3 when I was 4 weeks post partum.

(We did have known fertility issues and it did take us 19 months to get pregnant this time!)

We had a 5 year gap between DCs 1 and 2 which we had a long time to think about what we wanted our family to look like and didn't want another large gap. I think we would've stopped trying had we not conceived within 2023.

I always relate to the Christmas Dinner table. If you're looking at your Christmas Dinner table in 15/20 years time. Does it feel complete? Mine does with 3 but didn't with 2.

I'm finding all these anecdotes super helpful so thank you.

I am someone that is impatient and I just want to KNOW if we will have another and be sure either way but starting to accept it'll be a wait and see how the land lies situation

I always knew I wanted at least 3. DP would have been happy with 1,2,3 or whatever.

Number 3 did turn out to be a difficult baby and toddler which combined with a small age gap made for a stressful few years. We were undecided for years about a 4th and for while I was sure we were done but after an accidental pregnancy that ended in miscarriage we decided to go for it and dc4 will be here soon. Pretty sure we're stopping now!

Just found this thread whilst trying to convince myself that I only want two children. @jemimajack I swear I could have written most of your posts! I’m the same age as you and my children are the same ages as yours. I’ve been wanting another since I was pregnant with number two, even though I don’t enjoy pregnancy in the slightest. I love the newborn stage, I love seeing these two little people develop and I can’t imagine not having a third. Practically, it would be best on every count to stick with two. Maybe I’ll go back to work and suddenly find family reality much harder when my mat leave bubble bursts… But heart is so far ruling over head! How are you feeling about it?!

@Bananaalarm hey! I'm going through waves with it all. Up and down. I'd say the initial overwhelming broodiness has subsided (I was incredibly broody after baby #1 too. It really must be hormonal!?)

I keep thinking that if we have a third baby it will be to the detriment of my current children. I'm struggling already, whilst on Mat leave to feel that I'm able to give them both enough one on one time (and that's without a job in the mix!) I had a good upbringing but not much emotional support and I'm conscious I want my children to have as much of me as possible. Also financially I've never had any help at all so I feel a bit guilty having a third when if we stuck with two, my two would have more help from us.

BUT I would obviously still love a third. But do I just want a baby forever? They do grow. I feel at peace with not discussing it or thinking about it much for a year or so. I'll go back to work next year and perhaps see how I feel then, and if I still feel strongly revisit it with my DH. I think he's pretty sure he's done, but every so often he wistfully tells me how he just loves babies... and I can see he's sad that #2 is probably our last.

In a nutshell...... no further forward 🤣

@Bananaalarm is your partner/DH on board? I think it's almost easier if they have a strong opinion either way.

In terms of our house, we have the space, certainly people have bigger families in smaller houses, but our two eldest would have to share a big bedroom (but we have plans to extend in next few years regardless so that would mean everyone had a bedroom). Our car is also big enough.

Oh you've got me thinking about it again now 🤣

Hey @jemimajack I wonder if you're still undecided and how it's been since mat leave ended? I have a 2.5 yr old and a 1yr old and I come back to this thread every so often because my partner and I are mulling over the same problem!

Hi @popconcern so I now have a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old...

I still feel really undecided, some days very broody, other days not so much.

My DH has softened on the idea slightly I'd say - he sometimes says things like 'if we have another one' which is actually really nice as it makes me feel calmer and less like the decision has been made!

I'm just going back to work soon and we have some major house improvement plans happening so I definitely don't feel ready to think about it seriously for another year or so. I think I've parked it until the youngest is 2 and then we can evaluate how we feel.

Where are you at with it?

That's nice, it's so important to be on the same page either way. We are still unsure, and it feels so frustrating to be undecided about something so important. Like you, I feel very fortunate to have two happy, healthy kids and can't imagine regretting either choice, but I'd love to know the "right" answer! Uff. I'm not sure I could face much of an age gap. Our two will be one school year apart because of birthdays, so part of me wants to be decided before the age gap would grow to 3 school years between second and third. I wouldn't want the third to be left out too much!