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Larger families

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Original poster

Third child Dilemma

41 replies

GemGems125 · 11/10/2018 19:21

Just curious how people came to their decisions? It's feels like I've been discussing this option with my partner forever and we can't seem to make a decision either way.

House, we have 3 bedroom House, girls which are 7 & 3 currently share and have no intentions otherwise. So house is no problem. Car - it's small peugeot 208( I'm the only driver and petrified of driving a bigger car) but we can make do I think. 7 year old is over the 135cm recommendation for a car seat so doesn't have to use one anyone. She can sit in the middle. Potential roof box for holidays and trips away.

this is my husband's biggest concern. Has anyone made do with a small Car?

Life I reckon we will cope with 3. I think. I can picture it well. Youngest will be at school come September.

Then it comes to money and personally just don't know. We live reasonably well now. We havent got tons of spare cash but manage to save a few hundred each month. Have a few hundred spare for activities/ bits n bobs each month. We sure don't miss out on anything but it is all budgetted for if that makes sense.

However there is something holding me back. I'm not sure whether it is fesr of whether we will all cope (particular financially as it's took us a lot to get to where we are in terms of stability).

I just don't know what it is. So how did those who have three or chose not to have 3 bite the bullet and make a decision as such??

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Natty44 · 29/11/2018 10:03

i want a third too but im in the same boat. Any thoughts???

TheVortex · 29/11/2018 10:30

I think you'd need a bigger car if driving around is essential for you.

Think longer term. Children will get bigger. If child is tall for her age like your eldest sounds possibly, it won't be long before she starts to obscure your rear view in middle seat, and how long before she doesn't she fit between two car seats. ?

TheVortex · 29/11/2018 10:30

You can conquer the bugger car thing if you really need and want to.

TheVortex · 29/11/2018 10:30

Lol bigger car!

Original poster

GemGems125 · 29/11/2018 16:30

It's nice to know, Natty44, that there are other people in the same boat. What exactly is holding you back? I feel like I have been ermming and arghhing for years overs this...

You guys are right at some point a bigger car will be needed. Tbh 9/10 journeys my husband is not with me. It's just for those when we are altogether. I've attempted test driving a little bit bigger (308) but never thought about the middle seat being an issue. It was more the boat space. May re look at that in more detail...

OP posts:

Fuei · 11/01/2019 10:56

We talked about it for about three years, and eventually accepted that the fact we hadn't put it to rest was telling us something and went for it. I read so many threads like this over and over, hoping something would magically help me decide, and I guess in the end the deciding factor that really pushed us was my age and not wanting the gap between kids 2 and 3 to get much bigger than it already was due to our indecision, so we got on with it and are due in June with number 3. Good luck with your decision.

Original poster

GemGems125 · 11/01/2019 15:03

Congratulations on baby number 3. Out of curiosity what is the age gap?

We've come go.the conclusions with us being so indecisive and the world being rather against 3 children families in terms of days out, holidays, tax credits etc etc. We are parking our decision and trying to see all the benefits of a family of 4. Give it 6 months and if we really still can't stop thinking about it or have willingness to accept it then we will open up the decision again.

Just wish it was as black and white as when I made the decision about the second.

Any thoughts anyone, please chip in, as I love to hear others ideas or positions that they have been in. Reading others scenarios and decision process has shaped the way I think about this whole situation....

OP posts:

Tea16 · 11/01/2019 15:34

My partner and i keep thinking about number 3 but deep down we think that it would tip us. I love spending time with my 2 and it tore me a bit when i couldnt spend as much time with ds1.

Also i have family that live abroad and I'd like to visit them often. With such huge costs i think I'd be silly going for 3. Also what do i do in the school holidays and baby sitting? It's probably a bit too much for our parents on mid 60s to look after 3 young kids.

Bigonesmallone3 · 11/01/2019 15:40

I am pregnant with no3 our oldest is 9 and we had him quite young, we waited for no 2 who will be 2 next month, baby is due in June..
We will be getting a bigger car as it's not fair for DS (eldest) to be between two car seat..
we have a 3 bedroom home so we can make that work..
I knew as soon as I feel pregnant with DD (youngest) that I wanted two close together, took a little while to convince him tho.
If you do really want one you will make it work!

Fuei · 11/01/2019 17:44

The gap is 2.5 between DD and DS, and will be 4 years between DS and the baby.

Finfintytint · 11/01/2019 17:52

I think if you want it to happen it will work and you'll make it work. You'll make adjustments where necessary but does the planet need extra kids? Would all have a better quality of life without an extra?

Ylvamoon · 11/01/2019 17:53

I think you can do with a small car for a while... My parents used to have an old beetle (pre car seat!) ... 3 kids and 2 medium sized dogs fitted the back seat well ...
Financially, just be aware that most family based things come as 2+2... and when the DC get to be teens, they can be quite expensive in school trips and other activities.

shouldntbeonhereagain · 11/01/2019 18:03

We had 3 children (4.9, 2.9 and newborn) and two big dogs in a ford fiesta and it was fine. The longer you leave it between children, the more time there is to see sense and change your mind! We are now agonising about whether to go for number 4 and my youngest is 2.5. We can just see the light at the end of the tunnel so now know what we would be giving up! Good luck with your decision.

shouldntbeonhereagain · 11/01/2019 18:05

Correction to previous post. Children were 3.9 and 21 months when third was born. See what it does to your head!

Thirtyrock39 · 11/01/2019 19:21

Your children Won't want to share once the oldest is in secondary school. My girls are two and a half years apart and have had separate rooms since oldest was 11- they were miserable sharing for the year leading up to getting their own rooms and my now just teenage daughter really needs and values her own space.
We had our son when middle child was 3. It is hard on the middle one. I always say you have a second to give the two kids company but a third for yourself. I don't think it particularly benefits the children as there is less of everything to go around.
A really minor example is we are planning a trip to London and hardly any of the big chain hotels will let us stay in one room as a family of 5 so it means getting two hotel rooms so less spending money
Childcare is staggeringly more with three kids and I've just paid £700 for this terms after school clubs
I don't regret having three but I do advise against it if that makes sense! My experience is two children families tend to be closer as well- probably as each child 'buddies' up with one parent and that bond remains strong into adulthood

Ding3kids · 18/01/2019 12:48

I have 3 they're just about to turn 6, 4 and 2 and get on really well. I know loads of adults that are part of a 3 siblings and all get on really well (quite a few have ended up with 3 kids as well so can't be that bad!). I only had one sister who died at 20 so wanted a big family as I think the benefits of a big close knit familely out way the issues with inconvenience of 3 and not 2 children, for me anyway

Original poster

GemGems125 · 18/01/2019 19:57

Thityrock39. Interesting reading your perspective as that Is one of my concerns that as my daughter grows she would wanted her own space and not share with her younger sister, especially as there is 4 years between them. There would be no way that I could be able to afford a 4 bed.

I disagree about closeness, I'm one of three and extremely close to.my family. We all meet once a week for 'family night' for a meal.and to play some games. We do family holidays together and my brothers have been great help when needed with the kids.

Ding3kids. These families - are they close in terms of age gaps? I think if I could go back in time it would be a definite yes! Ideally would have preferred a similar age gap to.you as they are all so young and can play on the same level if that makes sense. I worry more about how an additional child would effect my eldest in some ways. If we did have to tighten our purse strings a bit more I'm concerned my eldest would miss out more than she would gain as there would be 9 years between her and the baby.

Such a hard decision...

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 18/01/2019 20:15

I am in exactly the same position except for the house and I have 2 ds, we live in a 2 bed but are hoping to extend. Financially thpugh I would have to take a cry in earnings if I had a third for about 4 years due to what I do so we wouldn't be as financially well off. Mine are 10 and 5 and ultimately have decided that for now we won't have another. Sad, but just the way it had to be.

Original poster

GemGems125 · 18/01/2019 21:44

Drogosnextwife. I think we probably are in the same situation really. As much as I would love another it probably isn't the right thing to do :(

OP posts:

emzw12 · 18/01/2019 21:50

Make sure you can afford to have three would be the biggest thing I'd say.
You'd be able to give two children more potentially - not that money matters in that sense but you need to know you could comfortable afford three - more food, more school trips, more uniforms, more clothes, more cost to family days out etc etc etc

lorisparkle · 18/01/2019 21:58

I have three ds and love having three but there are many challenges -

Car - sitting in the middle can be very uncomfortable particularly between two car seats and particularly as legs get longer.

House - we have a three bed but desperately want a 4 bed. Ds2 is really wanting his own space.

Time - I find splitting time tricky and with 3 you have 3 times as many clubs and activities and homework!

Money- as above and you find things like holidays, hotel rooms, family tickets are often for families of 4

But I love the busyness of it all and the different relationships all 3 have. The youngest 2 are best friends and we have a lot of fun!

Ding3kids · 18/01/2019 22:30

My adult friends are a mixture of close age gaps and some larger (one family had 4 with a 10 year age gap I think - youngest is at uni and eldest is married with kids but they're all really close).
I'm now in the position of deciding whether to have a 4th but about to move house so it's on hold but struggling to decide what's the best option for me and the family. I understand how difficult the decision is.

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 · 19/01/2019 21:02

I don't agree about the closeness point at all. Having 3 has made all the children much closer. They are a real little team. And it's also nice for them to be able to mix and match. If one of them wants to be on their own playing a solitary game, there's always someone else to play with! It works very well for my middle son who is quite content in his own company and likes to play alone with his figures. The arrival of number 3 gives him space to do this without always having to be ready to play with the eldest as she has another option now!

fruitpastille · 19/01/2019 21:46

We spent a long time agonising. Youngest is now 4. I do like having 3 and of course we adore them all and I love the relationships between them. However the youngest does stop us doing some things all together eg trips where we would have to walk a long way or stay up later. Sometimes I think I would have also been happy if we had stopped at 2, but who knows, I could have always been thinking 'what if?'...

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 · 19/01/2019 23:29

I guess there will always be a bit of a gap when the older ones can do stuff that the younger can't. But that's only when they are relatively small. Children are only small for a short time, and god willing, you have your whole lives to enjoy the joy of 3 children and a larger family. There is an argument that the younger sibling keeps the older kids younger for longer and extends the number of years of family holidays, magic of father Xmas etc!

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