Third child Dilemma

[GemGems125]

Hi

Just curious how people came to their decisions? It's feels like I've been discussing this option with my partner forever and we can't seem to make a decision either way.

House, we have 3 bedroom House, girls which are 7 & 3 currently share and have no intentions otherwise. So house is no problem. Car - it's small peugeot 208( I'm the only driver and petrified of driving a bigger car) but we can make do I think. 7 year old is over the 135cm recommendation for a car seat so doesn't have to use one anyone. She can sit in the middle. Potential roof box for holidays and trips away.

• this is my husband's biggest concern. Has anyone made do with a small Car?

Life I reckon we will cope with 3. I think. I can picture it well. Youngest will be at school come September.

Then it comes to money and personally just don't know. We live reasonably well now. We havent got tons of spare cash but manage to save a few hundred each month. Have a few hundred spare for activities/ bits n bobs each month. We sure don't miss out on anything but it is all budgetted for if that makes sense.

However there is something holding me back. I'm not sure whether it is fesr of whether we will all cope (particular financially as it's took us a lot to get to where we are in terms of stability).

I just don't know what it is. So how did those who have three or chose not to have 3 bite the bullet and make a decision as such??

We only have one son. Can't even bring myself to have a second let alone a third.
So easy to go anywhere.

We have three but ours were adopted and all arrived within a year of each other. We never even hesitated about number 3. I would agree that you need a bigger car. I’d only been driving for 6 months and had to go straight into a bigger car. I was nervous but it was fine. We need to move really to a 4 bed but are wanting to retire early so have decided to stay in the 3 bed and if the girls need their own rooms we can use the dining room as a bedroom and leave the kids upstairs. Is that an option?

Howonearthdoyoucopewith3. That's a good point I never thought about it like that but suppose the youngest would keep the eldest young. She is relatively young her age anyway.

Bluejag. I know it's such a major decision isn't it. It took us a while before we made the jump to 2. I got to.say it took a little while to get use to but it's now relatively easy to leave the house. Especially as they get older as the eldest helps.the youngest to get ready too.

Boohooyouho. No it's not an option for us we have a big open living room/dining room. We have a conservatory bit doubt that would be nice to sleep in. I talked about extending the house but it doesn't like that is possible. I doubt we would be able to move.to a bigger house but could be possible in years to come but it's hard to say for certain and having another for definitely make that harder.

I worry sometimes as well as if anything goes wrong and one of us got made redundant or lost our jobs - God knows how we would cope with 3. Especially as there is no support for the third as well.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that didn't really look into all these 'what It's and just went with the flow....

We have three, youngest is 8 and oldest is 13 so they were all close together.
Honestly, my advice would be if there are any doubts, don't do it. It's hard and busy and overwhelming at times and somehow the third brings more than 50% more work! It's expensive - I have a people carrier now because I couldn't stand any more arguments about who had to sit in the middle seat. We are fortunate enough to have a big house with plenty of rooms and a large garden so everyone has space of their own but it'd be stressful to be in a three bed house at these ages. We only went on our first foreign holiday last year because it's insanely expensive for 5 when you also add in being limited to school holidays. Most hotels don't have rooms that will accommodate you all once they are all out of cots so you either restrict your choice or have separate rooms (as ours were close in age so all young, we always had to have one adult in each room, couldn't have puts kids together in one).
Of course we would never change any of it, our third is a delight and completes our family but we have no money worries and it's still hard!

I'm pregnant with what I thought would be no 3 - turns out it's no 3/4. 25 weeks with identical boys. I have two DDs already 8/10. I had them at 25/28. I probably wouldn't have waited so long but careers and life takes over. I'm 36 (just) now. This pregnancy is crippling me - it may just be twins but I'm also conscious I'm a decade older than with my first.

I never felt done. My DH probably would have been. I do feel guilty that we are having 2 more children and that will impact on time and lifestyle for my older 2. That being said we have a large home and can comfortably afford a nanny when I return to work. Guilt also comes from fact I am the biggest earner by some way - I earn 3 times my husband (he earns a very good wage don't get me wrong). Guilt also comes with resentment flowing the other way.

My DH and I have been married for nearly 13 years together for nearly 17. This pregnancy has so far been one of the most challenging periods in our relationship - he is distant and I am needy and v hormonal. Terrible combo.

I would think v careful about the emotional impact on your relationship with your DH and other children. I feel like such a burden. Could you cope if it was twins (the older you are the more likely it is)?

We are a definite no for baby number 3. Kids are 14 and 9 now and for us it's just too much of an age gap. We are at the point where they can shower themselves, put their own washing in the basket etc etc nearly at the end of school runs and neither me or DH want to go back to baby stage. An acquaintance of mine with kids the same age as me has just had a baby and it made me think no I couldn't do it again.

You are right with lots of things being geared towards family of 4. Days out, holidays and stuff.

Although do think if DD had been another boy we might have gone for baby number 3 earlier as I really wanted a girl. As it was we had one of each and that just felt like "enough" for us.

I'm newly pregnant with number 3 but it wasn't a tough decision for us. We always wanted 3. Yup money will be tight and we need a new car but it felt right so we went for it.

Definite no for a 3rd here.
We both came from larger families with lots of siblings (4 each) and our siblings have gone on to have 3 each.

Spending time with them over Christmas has cemented the fact neither of us want that.

Would be wonderful if you had a massive house, nanny, loads of money for day trips and holidays.

But sticking with 1 or 2 means we get the lifestyle without the need for bigger cars, more maternity leave, bigger house.

If I didn't work and DH didn't need to be in an office every week day I might feel like we could enjoy it.
That's how my parents managed and it worked well for them.

We on the other hand have a small house we love, fun cars we love, and both get to work part time

The car thing isn't a big deal. All the mums round here drive 4x4s anyway so we didn't mind moving up to a 7 seater. Holidays are totally possible. For places like Center Parcs, eurocamp, villas, just get an extra bedroom. To be honest, I know people with 2 kids who have to get 3 bedrooms as their kids refuse to share a room on holiday as they don't share at home. It's definitely more work, but it also makes you really appreciate how important family time is when you're doing stuff all together and just hanging out. But it all depends on what you want from your life and what you enjoy spending time doing. We are all different. I know some mums with 3/4 kids, a great job, busy husband, really into exercise, well dressed etc who seem to manage it all, and some mums with only 2 kids who don't manage to hold down a job or fit in any exercise as they feel they never have any time. Guess it all depends on your individual capacity. We all have different thresholds of what we can cope with and how busy we like to be.

As I said on another post though, I don't have time for loads of clubs, but the kids don't mind that. They are happy at home. But if you want to have lots of time to nurture a dancer or swimmer or something it's probably easier with less kids!

4 years between my sister and I. We loved sharing a room, until I went to secondary school and was delighted to have my own space, I practically kicked my sister out.

We are currently debating no.3 too. Our kids are 7 and 5 currently. OH’s main concern is whether, by having a third, we will be negatively affecting our other kids potential/opportunities that they have in life. Any thoughts on this? I think bc of the bigger age gap that helps us as our older 2 are established at school and we’ve had time to get establish their core learning with them and they’re both doing brilliantly at school, I supppae his concern is that by bringing a baby into the mix their education will suffer. Anyone else worried by this?

He is also worried about damaging the fantastic bond that my sons have with each other. I think a baby shouldn’t impact their existing relationship, and will enhance it and if one of them wants to play on heir own then the other one could play with the baby...

I’m desperately trying to spend time thinking of the pros and cons and although. I recognise there are cons, I believe we can turn them into positives as a whole family and benefit from another baby. This is something I’ve wanted for several years and only now OH is getting on the same page, but is still cautious.

Tierdscaredmum. I think I could physically cope with twins. Although no-one never truly knows how they will cope until it's there. I work with young children, used to have my sister in laws (whilst she was working) whilst I was on mat leave with my youngest. That was 4 kids so I think I would cope and my husband would but it's again whether the house would, the car, sacrificing holidays aboard, our financials. They might not if I have twins. I'm lucky in that I'm still very young. Only 27 so have time on my hands and twins doesn't run in the family.

Hangingtrpusers. It's nice to have that feeling it was right. My mum always follows her gut. Unfortunately I'm not even sure what my gut feeling is. I've always been an anxious person and shockingly terrible at making decisions.

Sunflower144. You have to keep me posted with your decision making. I'm finding it really interesting in reading everyone else opinions. Even though I think mind is leading more to a no. I think you just cope and find a way to fit it in. Especially if education is so important you will find a way to make the time and ensure it doesn't affect them. :)

Submachine. I'm still leaning towards a no for us. As I was very lucky to be given a lot growing up. Driving lessons.. a loan for a new car when I passed. Money towards my deposit on the house. I think I would like to be able to do those things for the kids and if I have another (even though I'm uncertain as we both only really starting in our careers) i dont think we would be able to provide all that another child to think about. :(

Howonearthdoyoucopewith3. Wow I need to meet these mum's, get some tips. :D

I have 5 year old, 4 year old and currently 22 weeks pregnant. I had always thought of a third child however had no intention of being pregnant just now, I got my implant out to be replaced and fell pregnant within 2 days. I am looking forward to having third baby and my kids are excited too!. I think we are guilty of over thinking I grew up with sister and two brothers at one point there was the 4 of us in one room. I was worried in the beginning because we are in a 2 bed house however have changed from Suzuki swift to kia carens to suit for when baby is here. Limited for space however I don't think this should be crucial when making a decision to have another baby, hopefully we can get a bigger house if not will make do with what we have.

I think we’re swaying more to the ‘no’ side at the moment. We’ve had some in-depth conversations about it this week and my OH switched to be all for it, and that then scared me into actually thinking about the reality of it. I have moments that I’d love to do it, and then some issues that feel too problematic for me, particularly the impact on my other kids. Although we have ample space in our current home, we feel like we’d outgrow our house if another baby joined us, and moving would most likely mean leaving this area which would impact schooling and the friendships my kids (and I) have established. Another worry is around the holiday/family time we’d have, would we be going so far backwards that we’d struggle to find a holiday to accommodate everyone’s needs. Still going to be thinking a lot about it but that’s the way I feel we’re swaying to at the moment x

Starsandthemoonx.
Congratulations on the pregnancy and good luck with 3. Nice close ages. Bet they will be the best of friends growing up. And children adjust to their surroundings. I don't think they need individual rooms and space. I can't remember my brothers ever been annoyed about it growing up.

Sunflower144.
You sound like the exact same situation as me. My husband was never keen on the idea of having another but when I finally convinced them and he was up for the idea of another it was like all.the reasons not too started poping into my mind.