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Original poster

Why do people think it's acceptable being negative about wanting lots of children?

101 replies

MrsVidic · 25/07/2011 15:44

Hi, I am 39 weeks with dd 2 and I'm 28. Dp and I have had the number of children discussion the other night and have decided to try for a 3rd after we get married and 4th a few years later.
Anyway since chatting with my parents/ family etc about this I'm getting really pissed off. To start with I only mentioned number of children as we will be looking to move to a bigger house ( only have a 4 bed ATM) to accommodate.
My parents only had 2 dc and it seems everyone trying to dissuade us has no more than 2 dc.
Our close friends with 4 have been really supportive etc.
It seems to be people think they have a right to be negative about your plans if you want more than 2, that it's ok to remark on what is not really their business.
I've had comments regarding we'd be mad to move just to have more children, it will be too expensive- I work pt and dp has a good safe job.
Maybe I'm hormonal but I think if your a grand parent you should be happy at the prospect of more grand children?

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Moulesfrites · 25/07/2011 15:48

You seem to have it planned out very nicely! If I were you I just wouldn't have said anything about your plans to them, adit is still all very hypothetical and you might change your mind with dc2!

I think it is lovely to have a big family, but will probably stop at 2 due to a sense of environmental responsibility and financial factors.

Original poster
MrsVidic · 25/07/2011 15:52

I wasn't going to say anything but my mum kept questioning why we were considering moving etc. Also she was telling me about her snip! Confused

OP posts:
wheresthepimms · 25/07/2011 18:01

We have 4 and when I was pregnant with no 3 everyone kept asking my DH why he hadn't had the snip so that the accident wouldn't of happened. We explained numerous times that we wanted 4 and people looked Shock Now we have 4, don't want any more and people think we are mad, but also comment that we both work hard at giving them everything they need, making sure they are all happy and have individual time and that they are very polite little guys (makes me happy).

Just ignore what people say, it is your life and if you feel you can cope then go for it, if we had stopped at 2 we would have felt incomplete. FWIW my mum is happy as brother is gay so she said at least she got her 4 grand children even if it was just from me Grin

juuule · 26/07/2011 09:29

"but I think if your a grand parent you should be happy at the prospect of more grand children?"
But even if a grandparent is happy at the prospect of more grandchildren that doesn't stop them being a parent who is still concerned for the well-being of their own child (you). Children can be hard work, the more children the potential for more hard work. So I think it's only natural for some grandparents to call caution on more children particularly if the no. of your children exceeds what they had and could cope with. And if they can see that you have a lovely family set-up at the moment (which you feel another child would enhance) they might be apprehensive about anything upsetting that.

"( only have a 4 bed ATM)" with 2 children Envy I'm not sure why you need to move but if you can......great :o

rainbowtoenails · 27/07/2011 11:08

Is a 4 bed house not big enough for 4 dcs? Otherwise you are justified in being annoyed with comments. My mum thinks im nuts to want 3.

wheresthepimms · 27/07/2011 11:42

4 beds and 4DCs is hard we currently have 5 beds which is great with our 4 DCs but normally we only have 4 beds and for the last 2 years when in the USA we only had 3 bed (which was very hard but solved by having 2DS and eldest DD in the largest room with a curtain dividing her third!!)

We don't get a choice in the house we live in, DH is military, and I always dread seeing what we are getting next, the army says we are only entitled to 4 beds which when you have 4DCs and all their stuff can be hard. Luckily here they had a spare 5 bed that they let us have Grin. We do own a house and it has 5 beds (we rent it out) and I always miss my big house when not there. The one thing I would say, with 4 DCs the bedrooms can be worked around it is the size of the kitchen that always gets me as we love to all eat and cook together so small kitchens are just awful. So when looking for a house I would go with the biggest kitchen as the main factor after bedrooms

thermosflask · 27/07/2011 11:52

Because the biggest threat to our planet is over population. It's highly selfish and irresponsible to have a large family which I consider as more than 2 children.

Do a bit of reading on the subject of the population boom. Then consider whether you ought to be planning on having 4 children.

Olivesandfeta · 27/07/2011 22:34

Oi thermos... Did you come over to the large families board specifically to tell us we are selfish?
Thanks for that.

thermosflask · 27/07/2011 23:40

No, I was just answering the OP's question.

madhattershouse · 27/07/2011 23:43

I've got 4...but my brother has none, nor does anyone think he ever will. Does that make the balance equal thermos?

wheresthepimms · 28/07/2011 10:16

madhatter you are the same as me then, I am just being a good daughter and giving my mother her 4 grandchildren as my brother and his boyfriends are never going to giver her any Grin

thermos I think you were just looking for an argument posting that response on the larger families section. However as we all have larger families were are practically UN peacekeepers by profession and will not rise to your baiting Grin

thermosflask · 28/07/2011 13:14

I'm not looking for an argument. I'm just stating facts of which you seem to be unaware.

ie the fact that the earth's population is rising at an unsustainable rate and we all have to do our bit and act responsibly by not having large families when contraception is so easily available.

slipperandpjsmum · 28/07/2011 20:03

thermosflask if you are so offended by people with larger families its pretty clear you are looking for an argument posting on the larger families thread. This is a very supportive group on here. Its a shame you cannot respect other peoples choices that happen to be different to your own.

4madboys · 28/07/2011 20:14

oh thermos you do like to cause a ruck dont you, i saw you on a thread about childcare...

you will hate me i have 5!! all planned and we are very happy thanks very much! i am a sahm tho and dont use childcare, does that make me any better in your eyes Hmm

niceday · 28/07/2011 20:15

thermos
it's so touching to see at least one considerate and responsible person. Do you support wars, pandemics?
Cause they could help with overpopulation pretty efficiently?

KoolAidKid · 28/07/2011 20:16

Agree with Moulesfrites. This is all very hypothetical. It always amuses me when people make big plans for children that haven't even been conceived yet. You have absolutely no idea what's round the corner. Never make any assumptions, 'safe' job or not, life has a habit of throwing unexpected things at you.

This perhaps why people are trying to tell you not to get too wrapped up in your plans.

4madboys · 28/07/2011 20:16

oh and op my mum wasnt happy with me having any more than two, but she loves all my kids and they are thrilled that we are happy and the children are happy, she acknowledges that its not for her but that we are happy, she does worry that it is hard work (more so as i had pnp after no 4) but she sees how well we all are and thoroughly loves her grandchildren :)

i get lots of 'you have your hands full' and 'you must be mad' type comments, but i just say not really and roll my eyes, my kids are happy, healthy and well looked after and loved by all their family, thats good enough for me :)

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/07/2011 20:22

My Grandmother had this from her own mother.

My great-grandmother was feminist who believed women shouldn't spend their whole lives being pregnant. She had 2 children by choice (which was not that easy in Ireland in the 1920s, but she was rich so had more choices than most).

Her daughter had 7 children, her son had 8 :o

That was pretty unremarkable in 1950s Ireland, but she was not happy. She couldn't believe her own daughter could be so stupid as to have so many children. She bought her all kinds of household appliances to make her life easier.

The moral of the story is - people are weird :o

Your family is being silly. I hope you manage to have all the children you want and enjoy them :)

wheresthepimms · 29/07/2011 10:55

4madboys I am glad I am not the only one who gets the you must be mad, you have your hands full comments. I love my 4 little angels and I also love when they behave in public and people tell me how good they are (yes has happened once in the last 10 years). The thing that does upset me is that DH is away with work a lot, I am a SAHM and think nothing of taking all 4DCs out for the day to museums, theme parks etc on my own and then I have had comments of "oh look at that single mum bet all the kids have different dads and she is living off benefits"

OP people can say nasty things and have their own opinions but as long as your family is happy that is all that matters :)

4madboys · 29/07/2011 12:11

wheresthepimms my dp works long hours and is often away as well and i take all 5 of mine out and have had similar comments, tho once someone did say to me 'that it was obvious they all had the same dad as they all look so alike' Shock i was so flabbergasted i didnt know what to say, yes they do all have the same dad, but as they are all blonde and blue eyed what i should have said was 'no i just only sleep with aryan men' that may have shut them up!

i am frequently told how well behaved, polite, well mannered etc the boys are which is lovely, they do like all kids have their moments, but on the whole they are a good bunch :)

hollyfort · 29/07/2011 21:56

thermos, you really take the biscuit!! if you think you are so well up on your facts can you answer why certain european countries like france are encouraging people to have bigger families to combat declining populations! get your facts straight before you start saying people are irresponsible for having more than 2, what a joke!

stigofthelump · 29/07/2011 22:10

Totally agree with what hollyfort said :)

hollyfort · 30/07/2011 21:30

thanks stig, glad to know that some of us don't have our heads right up our a*!!! I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but really!!! u know what, i used to worry about what people think but after coming out of a really bad case of pnd after my fourth it really made me realise that we are all only going this direction once and we have to live our lives for ourselves not other people. I work in education and one of the least problematic families and well adjusted i have come across are a family with 12 kids, such lovely well mannered kids, and then u can come across a family with 2 tyrants or equally 2 lovely kids so it's not all a numbers game, as far as sustainability PLease!!! i live in ireland and we haven't caught up with pre famine figures where people lived without problem. I think it's more a question of lifestyle. We have four and are lucky to live in a 4 bed house which is 2,600 square foot but any scraps after meals are given to hens and what do they give us!! I don't think our lifestyle would be much different if we had stopped at two, and maybe if i'm brave enough i might even go for a fifth but that's another day's work,!!! that also wouldn't make a huge difference either in my humble opinion. I read a quote the other day and it really made me stop and think, and cop on to myself, it goes like this; life is like disco music, don't analyse it, just dance!

Northernlurker · 30/07/2011 21:47

Does anybody make personal family decisions based on the size of the global population? Hmm

We had one or two negative comments with dc3 - I ignored them. I have no idea why people feel entitled to comment.

caughtinanet · 30/07/2011 22:10

Who are these people who comment on the number of children others have to their faces? I'd never dream of saying anything like that and no one has ever passed any comment on my choice to me.

Where I live there are quite a lot of 3/4 and even 5 child families and I've never heard it discussed.

People should just keep their opinions to themselves. Its only natural to think about how many children you might like in the future and its sensible to think about whether you will need to move or buy a bigger car - try to ignore the nay sayers.