am I allowed to swear in a thread title

[fourpawswhite]

Because I have fucking had enough. This is so so shit. I am fed up. I am so fucking sick of everything. I am sick of trying. I am sick of not trying. I am sick of reflexology. I'm sick of acupuncture. I'm sick of folic acid. I'm sick of not drinking. I'm sick of eating green crap. I am sick of doctors. I'm sick of doctors not remembering who I am or even caring. I am sick of hospitals. I am sick of my job where I am safeguarding interests of children because their parents are not able to, and after 18 years not having one thank you. I am sick and tired of it all.

I am a good person. I have been married 12 years. I have been with my husband 18 years. Longer together than apart. I did it all by the book. I took my pill. I built my career. I help women and children. I pride myself in my dedication and commitment. I love my nieces and nephews like my life depends on it. I don't get why I deserve this.

Four miscarriages then nothing for eighteen months. This was the month. This was us being referred for ivf, because they could come up with no other answer or plan, we were going to sort it. Yet no, I have been cramping all day and sure as fuck AF will appear. Why not just come this morning. Nah, far more fun to fuck with my head all day and let me begin to hope it might be possible. Pee on yet the a millionth stick, to find the same sad result.

I don't know what I have ever done to deserve this, but my goodness it must have been bad.

I don't think I can do ivf. There. I've said it. Wanna know why? Because I'm scared. And I am weak. And I am angry. I know I sound like I'm unstable but that could not be further from the truth. I just need to vent. And I am so so so sorry for all of you feeling like this. But why, why didn't it come this morning. 10am clockwork, like every other sodding month.

So here's to you all, thank you to anyone who reads this, sorry for my ranting, but I am pissed off, fed up and going to drink some wine.

[Wolfiefan]

My poor lovely fourpaws (great name)! You don't sound in the slightest weak or unstable. You sound like you are being tortured by the bloody unfairness of it all. I have no helpful experience but


And more fucking

[DaphneWhitethigh]

I'm so sorry. You go ahead and swear all you want, because that is not fucking fair and you need to say how much it fucking sucks.

Very best of luck

[fourpawswhite]

I'm so sorry, thank you for reading, I'm just so so so sad. I can't keep doing this. It's making me a bitter person, which I'm not. I don't know what to do anymore.

So sorry, I sound like a self absorbed twat when I read that back. I'm just broken.

[geekaMaxima]

so sorry for all the shit you've been through, OP.

There's not a lot more I can say, other than don't make any big decisions on a bad month day. And I hope things look better for you soon.

[Wolfiefan]

You are not in the slightest bit self absorbed. TTC is all absorbing. It just is.
Any chance for counselling before you decide if IVF is right for you?

[fourpawswhite]

I don't think it will get better. I honestly don't. I actually want to leave my DH, who I love more than life itself because he was born to be a father. He is the most incredible, wonderful, amazing man in the world, and this is so unfair. I think I need to let him go. This unexplained problem is all me. Fuck.

[Wolfiefan]

You can make a life with a child/children you have given birth to.
You can make a life with an adopted child.
Or you can just make a life.
If he's so amazing and he loves you then I hope you will cling to each other and find a way through. Xxx

[fourpawswhite]

I don't think I can face him tonight. That repetitive hope, every month, then the disappointment. It's like some kind of torture.

[fourpawswhite]

Thanks Wolfe. And I think I could. But I feel I'm taking something from him. Something he needs of his own. And I think he will resent me eventually if he doesn't have that.

[Wolfiefan]

You don't need to face anything tonight. You should
I will admit to never having been in your shoes but thought after a MMC I was. It took me years to manage to have my family.

[fourpawswhite]

Thank you for being there. I'm so sorry. I just was so angry. I'm going to have a bath and a glass of wine and try and sleep.

I'm not normally so angry and all over the place. Sorry and thank you for listening.

[torthecatlady]

You don't sound like a twat at all, in fact I think you've just said a lot of what many of us are thinking and feeling too! Keep going and don't give up.

[3point14159265359]

I've been you. I'm sorry.

I know absolutely what you mean. I was so bitter I even got bitter about having to tell lovely DH that my period had come every month because it seemed so unfair that it was me, time after time, who had to break the bad news.

Broken was exactly how I described me too. So I totally understand.

I though DH would leave. I thought he should leave. He didn't though.

Huge hugs to you. It's fucking relentless isn't it?

Don't make any decisions today. Include your DH in them.

[Finallyonboard]

I'm having IVF. It's not bad at all. It's probably worth a try

[Wolfiefan]

You are allowed to be angry and all over the place in this situation. Enjoy your bath. X

[Vixxfacee]

Sorry

Get angry, cry, you're allowed too!

Come over the ivf thread. It's not as bad as what you may think.

I know how you're feeling. I am low this week. Need a drink but no not allowed to have one as due to have a frozen embryo transfer in a few weeks.

[Wolfiefan]

Good luck Vixx. X

[hollyisalovelyname]

Fourpaws go for it- the IVF.
Or you'll die wondering.
Seriously -do.
Go for it.
I'd look into acupuncture and reflexology while you are trying or on the IVF cycles.
Wishing you all the best.

[CorBlimeyTrousers]

I'm so sorry. Wolfiefan has put it perfectly although I don't blame you if you can't see it like that right now.

It took us 2 years TTC to have our eldest son. After 2 years TTC his brother we moved to natural IVF (low AMH) then donor egg IVF and we have his brother. It's not the right choice for everyone but it's brought us our family.

Have a cry and an early night. A bath maybe if that's something you like (I do). Take care. It's not over yet and there are many routes to happiness. Good luck.

[tillyann2013]

Sorry you're feeling so shitty, our bodies can be cruel. Hope you get some sleep and feel a bit brighter in the morning. X

[fourpawswhite]

Good morning

Thank you all for listening to me rant, feel very humbled. I don't know really, I've been up and down for years but never felt rage like that last night. Still pissed off this morning, been for a walk, kicked a few stones, still grumpy as.

Vixx, which thread do you think might help? I promise to stop swearing I've long since fallen off the conception ones as there's no point for me anymore. I can't find one which seems to be where I should be. I have not had he Ivf initial appointment yet. Just been told that's where we are going. Given the four mc, I don't really get why. Surely I will just got through all that and then have another mc. I can't even get passed six weeks. But there's nothing wrong, so they say. Feel like a broken old piece of crap.

Hope everyone up to something nice today. Thank you all again.

[Osirus]

I'm 24 weeks with a baby I wouldn't be carrying if I'd not chosen to do IVF. I was scared of it, more the emotional side than physical, but it really isn't that bad. The injections were fine, once I got the hang of it. I didn't get my hopes up and I kept myself sane during the two week wait but looking at other options. I didn't want to believe it could work. I think you can't help but protect yourself.

IVF will be worth it to get your baby.

[Osirus]

*by not but!