am I allowed to swear in a thread title

[fourpawswhite]

Because I have fucking had enough. This is so so shit. I am fed up. I am so fucking sick of everything. I am sick of trying. I am sick of not trying. I am sick of reflexology. I'm sick of acupuncture. I'm sick of folic acid. I'm sick of not drinking. I'm sick of eating green crap. I am sick of doctors. I'm sick of doctors not remembering who I am or even caring. I am sick of hospitals. I am sick of my job where I am safeguarding interests of children because their parents are not able to, and after 18 years not having one thank you. I am sick and tired of it all.

I am a good person. I have been married 12 years. I have been with my husband 18 years. Longer together than apart. I did it all by the book. I took my pill. I built my career. I help women and children. I pride myself in my dedication and commitment. I love my nieces and nephews like my life depends on it. I don't get why I deserve this.

Four miscarriages then nothing for eighteen months. This was the month. This was us being referred for ivf, because they could come up with no other answer or plan, we were going to sort it. Yet no, I have been cramping all day and sure as fuck AF will appear. Why not just come this morning. Nah, far more fun to fuck with my head all day and let me begin to hope it might be possible. Pee on yet the a millionth stick, to find the same sad result.

I don't know what I have ever done to deserve this, but my goodness it must have been bad.

I don't think I can do ivf. There. I've said it. Wanna know why? Because I'm scared. And I am weak. And I am angry. I know I sound like I'm unstable but that could not be further from the truth. I just need to vent. And I am so so so sorry for all of you feeling like this. But why, why didn't it come this morning. 10am clockwork, like every other sodding month.

So here's to you all, thank you to anyone who reads this, sorry for my ranting, but I am pissed off, fed up and going to drink some wine.

[Wolfiefan]

Swear away my lovely and kick as many stones as you want!

[Vixxfacee]

4paws it's called 'anyone starting ivf? Join me (5)'

Everybody is at different stages (but we all probably have that feeling of anger and helplessness). Join through thread when you are ready and ask about the realities of ivf.

Thank you Wolfie!

[fourpawswhite]

Thank you vix, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

I will go and have a look there.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Sweetheart you don't sound self absorbed at all.

Try IVF. Ignore the scare stories. Most people get through it fine.

Try to take a calm workman like approach to it. It's just a series of small steps.

I went through it twice. Admittedly it wasn't the most fun I'd ever had but honestly it was totally doable.

To be frank it was much much easier than being pregnant.

We conceived our twins on our second round. Anything, anything would have been worth the joy they bring us.

If it doesn't work then you gave it your best shot and can look at other options like adoption.

[fourpawswhite]

Thank you Anna. I think when I process my anger it's the finality of it. So, I would get two shots then that's it. We can't help you anymore. So then I think, well, I am 33, 34 this year. Do I put it on hold for a year and then try? Maybe I have not tried hard enough. Some months I have had wine, or not hit ovulation everyday, or eaten crap. Maybe I need to focus better for another year and see where we are then. I can't bear the thought of sitting here this time next year knowing I have used up all our chances and maybe could have tried abit harder before Ivf. It's just after four very long years, being perfect every month starts to grate. It's true that the joy really does go out of sex when you are manic and date watching. Meh. I just don't know. As I said, I'm so pissed off I can't think clearly.

Real life people are annoying the hell out me as well. My mother is a total nightmare at the best of times but if she says stupid things about going on a spa day or relaxing one more time. Do you know she actually said to me have you tried having sex

[AnnaMarlowe]

We didn't tell anyone for that very reason.

Going for IVF doesn't mean you can't conceive a child naturally. I know two couples whose first child was IVF (after many years of trying) and who then 'accidentally' conceived number two. IVF isn't closing any doors, it's just opening a different one.

Conceiving a child through IVF isn't a failure, it doesn't make the child less.

I bet you know lots of child (and adults in fact) who are unknown to you IVF babies.

And stop right now with that bollocks about not eating or drinking the right stuff. Just stop. Give yourself a shake. If it were that easy to prevent pregnancy then no one would need pills or condoms or diaphragms or coils.

Seriously give yourself a talking to.

This isn't your fault it's just an accident of biology.

If your doctors are saying try IVF. Then try it.

And your sex life will recover. Honest. I know whereof I speak.

[waitingimpatient]

Yes please come over to the IVF thread mentioned by vix even if you just want to lurk at first x

I've had IVF, a mild IVF cycle last April a FET in October which failed and I had embryo transfer yesterday so am in the 2ww. I would echo what others have said. The physical process of IVF is easier than it sounds you very quickly get used to the injections and it is really surprisingly ok. Emotionally it is a bit draining and sometimes unexpected things happen so I've found it better to only look ahead to the next appt as otherwise you can get too far ahead of yourself which personally I found then made the disappointment worse
It does feel good though to be doing something and to have people helping, the doctors and nurses have been really lovely and for me it's better than doing nothing but it's a very personal thing

[fourpawswhite]

God your fab. You remind me a lot of my SIL. Who is also my best friend. She is excellent at giving me a slap, a large gin and a good taking to.

I don't see ivf as failure. I think I see it as terrifying, and Unknown, and I'm in awe of everyone who has done it. I just don't know if I am strong enough to cope with it just right now if that makes sense. I almost feel like mentally I need to go, right, you can't get pregnant, stop trying, have a rest and then go for ivf. I feel drained from the relentless cycle of the last four years.

We don't have appointment yet so will give it some more thought for now and not rush into any decisions.

[fourpawswhite]

God your fab. You remind me a lot of my SIL. Who is also my best friend. She is excellent at giving me a slap, a large gin and a good taking to.

I don't see ivf as failure. I think I see it as terrifying, and Unknown, and I'm in awe of everyone who has done it. I just don't know if I am strong enough to cope with it just right now if that makes sense. I almost feel like mentally I need to go, right, you can't get pregnant, stop trying, have a rest and then go for ivf. I feel drained from the relentless cycle of the last four years.

We don't have appointment yet so will give it some more thought for now and not rush into any decisions.

[fourpawswhite]

Thanks waiting, I will do that. I hope it all works for you as well.

[3point14159265359]

If you're going to do it, don't wait. There'll be delays enough anyway.

Don't beat yourself up either - people who drink wine and eat crap get (and stay) pg all the time.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Well it depends on your clinic but in my experience even if you are paying for it you don't get to the point of actually going through IVF that quickly.

So my advice would be, stop trying, use condoms and have a rest, while waiting for the appointment. (there will be several!) don't go mad with alcohol but have a drink and a relax.

it all takes a while, have your rest while working through the stages.

Your SIL sounds super. Use her to help you keep perspective. And keep talking to you DH- don't let anything get in the way of your relationship- if the IVF works you'll need each other. Believe me!

[MyBlackCat]

Hi fourpaws sorry you're going through this shit.

I have a similar story however only conceived once which ended in mc. That was 21 months ago and despite doing everything right we have been unable to conceive. Had all the tests, we function 'correctly'. Waiting for IVF referral which was originally told would be this month but been fobbed off for four more months as it has to be 2 years since mc before we qualify. I've given up. Scared of IVF cos that's it really isn't it? If that doesn't work I'm a failure, if it does and I mc I'm a failure.

Slowly drifting from conception threads as find it hard when people trying succeed in a matter of minutes. Started my own thread last week to find people in similar situation, got three posts on it which made me feel more alone.

I hope you get there xx

[Blue2014]

Fourpaws - if you want to carry on swearing and being angry you could come and check out the BESH thread (it's on the conception board although I'm not really sure why, we've all been struggling for years with this shit now) we swear and shout a LOT! But if you are nicer than me () there is also the Berries on the conception board. I hear the "mind numbing infertility" board is good too.

I'm about to start ivf (next week) - don't feel you need to be alone in the shitty unfairness of this

[Wolfiefan]

Can I just say that having a glass of wine, eating chocolate or not having incessant sex every moment of the day are not why you haven't conceived yet! It is soooo much easier for some people though isn't it?
I think you are strong enough. You are coping with this situation month on month out.
You are strong!

[fourpawswhite]

Aww man, you ladies are amazing. Now I'm blubbing into my cuppa.

Wolfie, thank you for all your support. I think I remember you from doghouse threads as well. My fur babies certainly help a lot.

Blue, I will have a look. That sounds like what I need.

Blackcat , that really made me weep. Please don't feel you are alone. I know I sounded ridiculous last night but I don't even think I would have even got this far without lurking and posting occasionally. I used to post more. What was your thread called? I will come and have a read.

I feel so sad for you all and so guilty for ranting at you. DH came in before with some snowdrops he had picked from the wood behind us. He said are you feeling better and I said a Wee bit, but that I had ranted on here. He gave me a row and said not to take it out on those who were kind enough to listen.

So snowdrops and new beginnings for us all.

[AnnaMarlowe]

Fourpaws you are going to be just fine.

You gave a good man there and a good friend in your SIL.

Hang on in there, you'll get through it.

[Frustratedmummy79]

I've been where you are, the mind numbing merry go round of having sex, waiting 2 weeks, period arriving, 2 weeks til you ovulate, month after month after month while all around you get pregnant seemingly at the drop of a hat. It makes you bitter and sad at the time and I've thought things that I don't think I could ever say out loud, it's all normal, so please don't think it's just you. The doctors saying that there's no reason why you can't get pregnant makes coming to the decision of agreeing to go for ivf so much harder I found. I honestly couldn't get my head around why I should go for something so invasive when there was technically nothing wrong. So I put it off and tried everything else under the sun until there was nothing else. And you know what? It wasn't that bad, not a breeze but after years on the trying merry go round I think we can pretty much get through anything. And you will too. Don't give up hope when there's still options available. Sending you

[SesameSparkle]

Hi fourpaws I'm really sorry for everything you're going through. blue mentioned the berries thread in her post, amongst a few places you would be welcomed, in case you're interested in stopping by we're over in conception and all over 30, ttc for stupidly ages and at varying stages of treatment and investigations. Thread starts Pom Poms, Placards and Picket Lines....

[broodypsycho]

Just read your post now as I'm feeling very fed up today. I'm normally on the blob by now and had a tiny glimmer of hope this month..but nope I can feel AF doing her thing in my lower stomach, bitch she is. Thought ill fuck with her head this month. I can't take any more one night stand announcements. Hsg test when she does arrive, oh the fucking joys

[MehMehM3h]

Hi fourpaws I'm sorry you're going through this, I do echo what everyone else has said - be kind to yourself. It really is important.

Come join us on the mind numbing boredom of infertility thread. We swear and rant too! They are all a great bunch of ladies there too. This place is great to vent.

blackcat the same goes for you, please join us - you are not alone!