dreading parental contribution discussion with ex - pls help!

[OmegaAlpha]

While my DD17 is prepping for 2027 uni entry, I am worrying about how to help her financially. I believe she will be assessed on my income of 25/26, which is £57K, so will only receive half the maintenance loan - about £5.8K. She wants to study away from home, out of London.

She does have a child trust fund (thank you Gordon Brown!) which thanks to regular payments and my parents, would actually cover the difference, but I would prefer it if she could hold on to at least some of it for extra costs/emergencies/further study, and receive some parental contributions, which I need to discuss with my ex - never the easiest person to discuss money with.

He is self-employed, and switches between boasting about the incredible jobs he's doing (art fabrication/building/installation), and telling me he can't afford to pay for kids' clubs etc. I have no way of finding out his actual income, as he pays himself in dividends, expenses, etc, as well as a basic salary.

I currently receive £600 a month CSM for DD and DS12, which I believe will reduce to £450 once she goes (this was worked out via the gov calculator, and not an official order, which I based on what he paid himself when we were together 10 years ago), and I will also lose a third of child benefit. I just about manage to pay a hefty mortgage and other costs out of my income (we live in zone 2 London), but by cutting out holidays, eating out, being vv frugal, I might be able to also contribute. I can't move because of DS12 (and my own work), but may possibly be able to rent out DD's room on an ad hoc basis.

Are there any other separated parents on here who can advise me on how to discuss this with ex, and suggestions/models as to what to ask for?

I want to keep my DD out of this entirely, as she is already worrying about the cost of it all.

Does he have a relationship with her? If he’s willing to go to open days with her I’d suggest they go to the financial and accommodation talks. It’s very sobering seeing the slides with costs on.
Then couch everything as payment going to her.
Max loan is x that govt think she needs to live on. They will only lend her y. She’ll have shortfall of z - should we give her half each directly. Is that enough? If accommodation cost is high they need further top up.
Other costs like kitting her out, accommodation deposits, cost of getting there and back - will he contribute.
Also remember they are not at uni for 5/6 months of the year - what are arrangements for holidays.

My kids worked in their gap year. They used that money, although they eventually stayed at home, one commuting some way. Their choice but they knew I could only contribute so much.

She’ll have to get a job. I had 3 as a student. Parents take on way too much of the financial pressure of university, in my opinion. If she wants to go that’s absolutely fine but she will have to find a way to fund her living expenses.

The gap year suggestion posted above is a good idea.

This

It’s a Parental Contribution. The government takes away half of the loan for living expenses due to parental income, and the expectation is that the parents fill that gap. No, the parents are under no legal obligation to fill the gap that their child misses out on due to their income. They can choose to make uni finances more difficult for their DCs if they so wish.

National Student Money Survey 2026 – Results

This might help if you wish to back up any discussions with the experiences of existing university students.

Be very careful basing plans on “she can get a job”- in uni towns there are often are more students looking for work than part time jobs.

Can you just approach him on the expectation he will be paying? “Hi Ex, dd1 is looking at unis, not sure if you wanted to join any of the open day tours or not. If so, we’ll let you know when they are. For the parental contribution, let me know if you plan to give her money directly or if it’s easier to just keep paying maintenance to me for her along with what you pay for dd2, and I’ll transfer her portion to her along with my contribution.”

Does she have a relationship with her dad?
My nephew sat down with his dad and gave him the figures, this is how much I’m getting from loan and mums contribution and this is how much I need for rent, food, travel etc.
He and his dad agreed between them how much dad would pay directly to nephew

Would he at least give DD the money he will no longer be giving you?

Sixth form often do talks too if he’ll attend that.

Thanks - yes, I've been trying to encourage him to attend a uni day with her, but so far not much luck - she's been to two with friends, one with me (that's when it really hit home for me too!) and has another lined up with her friend. I asked him to go to another with her but he didn't bite, and there doesn't seem to be another opportunity. I also asked DD to ask him, but she preferred to go with me or a friend.

Yes, I need to have this talk with him - and will do in terms of everything going to her of course, it's just we don't really talk (I believe it's called parallel parenting rather than co-parenting), and money in particular is a fractious issue with him. It's helpful to break it down like this.

When I was working out the costs, I added up for 44 weeks (some accommodation charges for 44 weeks), then split it over the full 12 months when working out parental contribution, as felt it was easier just to pay her monthly throughout the year, but maybe should just separate it into termtime and holidays.

Yes, and she is planning to, but she hasn't managed to even get a saturday job over the past year - she says she's tried, and has had interviews for Christmas sales jobs, but not got one yet. She does babysitting and is a mother's help for a neighbour with twins, but I have told her she should try again to get a job this year, so she has experience when she's away. She's quite stressed with applications (doing an Oxbridge early entry application), so am waiting until that initial one is done before nagging her again. I'm sure she will keep trying. She is very hardworking.

exactly - it's quite sobering how much you are expected to contribute while also losing child support and child benefit. I will also look at AirBnB-ing her room if I have to.

Thank you!

That is a good approach, and probably the easiest one that will work. The thing is, he does not have to pay child support for her once she has left secondary education (not sure if he realises this or not). Also, she may need more than that, and am thinking he might be more inclined to bump hers up if going directly to her. But def a good way of approaching it - this is what we have to do, how should we do it?

yes, good point, hopefully that will be a possibility.

She does have a relationship with her dad, but I don't want her to have to negotiate, at least not before I've tried, as she will be stressed at doing this. I also need to negotiate the child support he still needs to pay for the DS, so need to resolve that at the same time (it's not a case of simply halving it - on the calculator it just goes down by a quarter, however I would give that other quarter to my DD).

yes, I imagine he would, at the least. I will start from this basis. I just think he'll be thinking he will only have to pay me half the child support going forward, instead of three-quarters (that's how it works out on the gov calculator, a little like child benefit), so that might see her short, even with me matching it. I'd quite like him to give a little more, if he can, but maybe he would, if he was giving it to her directly.

Can she apply for finance based on her dad's income rather than yours, if he earns less than you?

If she does get into Oxford/Cambridge that will most likely help the financial side of things. They have generous bursaries and some colleges provide accommodation throughout the time at university. The flip side of that is that they are not encouraged to get paid work during term but holidays are long at least.

As a side note, I do think it’s a disgusting system that the amount you can borrow is based on what your parents earn (and therefore the state’s assessment of what they can afford to give you) yet there’s no obligation for parents to hand that money over. It puts kids with high earning yet un-generous parents in a really shit position. It’s not a grant, it’s a loan. Everyone should be able to borrow the same based on their savings/financial situation, not someone else’s.

You could structure it something like this below, email it to your ex, then take it from there.

The amounts are purely illustrative.

Annual outgoings (12-month calculation)

• Accommodation at uni: £10,000
• Living expenses: £6,000 (£500 × 12 months, including breaks: summer, Christmas, Easter)
• Travel costs, public transport, dentist, bills etc: £1,000
• Total: £17,000

Minus SFE loan:

• Maintenance loan: -£5,000

Total parental contribution needed per year: £12,000

• Dad's share: £6,000: cash to DD to cover outgoings while at uni
• Mum's share: £6,000, of which £4,500 (cash to DD to cover outgoings while at uni) + £1,500 (this is just estimated cost of having DD at home during the holiday breaks - Christmas, Easter, summer months - this money doesn't actually go to DD directly.)

The reason mum provides a lower direct cash contribution than dad is the holiday breaks. Christmas, Easter, and summer breaks add up to roughly 3 months, during which time mum will be providing DD with housing, food, etc. directly.

Of course, if your DD earns some money, you can lower the figures accordingly.

I messaged my ex saying ‘I’ve been planning ahead and have gathered all the financial info regarding DC going to uni. The government expects us to give her £xx per month during term time. Therefore your half works out as £x. Will you pay it directly to her from 1st September 2027?’

N.b. I didn’t give him any sort of breakdown or get into any negotiations, as he is a lying unreliable twat, and the best chance of him providing funds is always based on what The Government says because he’d be embarrassed not to comply with authority. If I’d provided any costings he’d have counted with some stupid ways to save on them.

In London zone 2 you can probably rent her room to a Monday-Friday lodger and still have the house to yourself at weekends.

stint is a good app for students to get work.