Autistic son wants to go to uni 4 hours away.

[elliejjtiny]

Ds2 is just going into year 13. He wants to go to a specific uni 4 hours drive away and i don't know how realistic this would be. He has selective mutism, often shuts down and can't speak, can't look after himself, gets easily overwhelmed. I just can't see how it would work. He is very rigid in his thinking. I have suggested other universities, other courses but apparently only that one will do, it's where his older brother is going next month.

Is he willing to go to open days for other places?
I'd he likely to meet grade requirements for the further away place?

No idea what to suggest. Both mine are ASD and one is ADHD too. Had significant MH issues to attending uni ‘late’ at 20. We suggested (and it was welcomed) that they only look at unis that were within 1hr on the train and, ideally in London as DH works there several days a week and I can be there within an hour on the train too. We were fortunate that the best course in the country was there so we had no push back, but we had had lengthy conversations about making sure we made choices that would put her in a place that she was most likely going to succeed. It sounds as though DS wants the comfort of an older sibling being on hand (my DD has been wheedling for her bro to come to a london uni so that he is nearby, but we are wondering whether he would be better ‘away’, so he is looking at a couple of unis that are 2-4hrs away - but we have DGPs and a DSiL within an hour of those as back up.

My DD [but not my DS] is on PIP and has therapy - does/is your DS? Is it possible to have a careers/uni chat with his current school/tutors to explore the practicalities of a uni which is that far? Has he been on an open day yet as both mine reframed what they thought they wanted once they had done a few visits - my youngest for example, having his head turned by the campus style unis? It is also worth making sure you speak to the disabilities teams at each of them as some are immediately helpful and forthcoming and they may, in fact, put your mind at rest?

Take him up to visit older brother.
Being in a space that is familiar and having big bro to consult could be a really good move. It might be the best thing.

Oh blimey. Would he take a year out at least?

I think @CautiousLurker01 has it.

Speak to the university, they do quiet accommodation for those with autism etc. (those who dont want to go out partying) they can also offer more support. It can be done! :)

Don’t do that to his brother, he is not his brothers keeper. Seperate them and do not make one responsible for the other. It is so not fair

Watching with interest. DD is autistic and looking at universities ranging from home city to 7 hours away. I don’t want to clip her wings but I also worry about her being too far away.
Good to hear that some unis offer quiet halls.

What does your older son think of this potential arrangement?

Also wondering what his brother thinks. If he does go there and struggles what impact will that have on his brother who may end up feeling responsible, and possibly having his studies / life disrupted and impacted. This would make it a no for me on top of the distance from you.

You can not expect the older brother to be the younger brothers carer.

Sorry OP, it is very tricky but I don't think from what you have written that it would be a good idea.

That’s really not fair to his brother. I have a disabled sibling, and my life has revolved around their needs for decades now. They have had massive impacts on my career, my friendships, my relationships. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if they had followed me to my university.

Without knowing the brotherly relationship, I wonder if that's fair on the older brother? The whole point of going AWAY to uni is to invent yourself as an independent person and learn to navigate your life away from your family. Unless DS1 is very nurturing and close to his brother, it's fairly possible that a potentially lonely and needy younger sibling is the last thing your older one wants cramping his uni life.

What does he think about how he'll manage?
You have a year to work on developing life skills and ASD management skills.

That is more than we had with my autistic dd who only decided on university last minute! She had planned on doing a foundation year at the local college but changed her mind a few months beforehand.

She has selective mutism, anxiety, shuts down and has health problems.
She went to university an hour and a half a way which was manageable, her first choice was 5 hours a way and honestly, it wouldn't have worked.

At the time an asd shutdown was impossible to get out of on her own, and I can't tell you the amount of times we had to drive at various hours to either go fetch her or go help her, when phone calls and texts weren't enough.

If it was now, she has the skills and maturity to manage most shutdowns and difficultiea herself but not in the first two years.

So you need to have a plan for what happens if he literally shuts down and can't move or feed himself.

Like I say, you have a year to prepare and you have a son going to university already which gives you a bit of a heads up about the realities of university life.

Just to add, when DS goes to uni, they will be eligible for DSA (disabled students allowance). As part of this many Dcs like ours get some amazing additional support : an individual academic mentor/advisor AND a separate ASD/ADHD mentor (ie someone who is also ASD) funded for 30 hours a year who will meet with your DC weekly are both common accommodations and what we are hoping to be awarded.

You can also get your DC’s permission to be able to speak to the university (the disability teams esp) on their behalf. Obviously you can’t check whether they are attending or doing their homework with their tutor, but there is a lot you can do in engaging with the support services at the individual universities.

Some unis - I am thinking Bournemouth and Reading that I know of - are absolutely amazing with the support they offer. Others, less so. I am personally a little nervous about my DD’s uni 😬

There is a FaceBook page for parents of ND children going to uni run by Becky Noble. [‘Parents of Autistic / Neurodiverse UK uni students’], which has general threads and also university specific sub-threads/pages where parents share their experiences of support at individual unis. It’s a very supportive space where you can ask about DSA, the uni, others experience where DC has a very fixed idea of what/where they will study, and get advice on how to manage your DS’s intention to rely upon his older DB (who I am sure is hoping to step out of his ‘carer’ role at uni). if I can think of anything else, I’ll update!

De Montfort is another Uni that isn’t Russell Group but offers good support for ND students.

I too think that you need to have a discussion with DC1. They may be at the same Uni but I don’t think there should be any expectation on them. Suppose DC2 needs help and it’s the night before DC1’s exams?

How far is the Uni by train and are they regular?

If he's really set on it then I'd just support him to go there, there's no point forcing him to go somewhere he doesn't want to be even if it might be a better fit. I would also say it can be amazing what kids can do when they really want something. But if not then he can always change uni after the first year or take some time out before starting again.

I would start preparing him now though. Get him used to making meals, doing washing, washing up - if he needs lists to remember to do certain things ie do teeth, wash face, put on deodorant then get him to write lists so he gets used to managing himself rather than you having to remind him.

Have him put on his application about his SEN and that you have permission to contact uni on his behalf. How close is he with his brother? Would his brother be happy to help out if needed? While you don't want to impact his brother's experience, looking out for a sibling on occasion if they get on well shouldn't be that big a deal. There's a world of difference between looking out for your sibling every now and then and being their carer. Older brother might like the idea of showing off his uni to his sibling, it very much depends on their relationship.

I'd also start getting him used to using buses and trains if he isn't already, Small steps with lots of support, writing down times and uses apps and google maps to help. He also needs as many strategies as possible to deal with all the different issues he may face, definitely worth discussing with him over the year. Also help to recognise when it is all too much and what to do in those situations. The more prepared he is and the more strategies and coping skills he has developed the more chance he has of success.

Does he have any meds for anxiety? Might be something worth considering too as could really help with the selective mutism.

I too think that you need to have a discussion with DC1

I don't agree. It puts him in a awful position. He is not his brother's keeper

This isn't really fair on his older DB though, is it! I have a younger sibling with significant MH issues and when she came to my school it was a bloody nightmare as I was always being sought out to calm her down, talk to her, etc and it was a real burden to me, looking back. Of course, I did it, but I don't think it's on your older DS to look out for his DB. I'm guessing that his life has been severely affected already by having a younger sibling with complex SEN. I really don't think it's fair to lay the burden of being responsible for his DB while he's at uni. I would do whatever I could to a) find a suitable uni for your younger DS and b) to allow your older DS to have a normal uni experience without his younger DB being his responsibility.

So is letting DC2 apply to the sake Uni and expecting DS1 to be his Carer.

It sounds as though he's fixed on the place his brother's going to. While a visit to his brother would be a good thing, as PPs have said, it's not fair to your elder brother to expect him to be his sibling's carer - more than I suspect he already is.

Could your DS2 go for a visit to his brother, and as independently as possible? Is he OK to do the train journey on his own, for example?

It could be that your DS2 is not going to be ready for university for a bit - the character traits/behaviours you describe would mean that he's unlikely to get the most out of his degree studies, and it might be difficult for him to thrive, no matter how much support is set up. University is not school, and it's not the job of his tutors to monitor him.

There was a thread a week or so ago about an autist/ADHD son at university & not doing well in terns of asking for help and using the support available to him. It wasn't a matter of his intellectual abilities - he couldn't cope well socially, in terns of independent life, asking for help, and not recognising rigid thinking which is self-sabotaging.

In my long experience of teaching undergrads, I note how much intellectual and social ability and knowledge tend to support each other, and a deficit in one will often cause a deficit in the other.

And I would also look at therapy for your DS, paid for by DSA, that is not so much about the academic stuff, but the social/life stuff. How can he learn to self-regulate? Or recognise signs of stress/over-stimulation or when he's overwhelmed, then how can he take steps to learn to self-regulate. Tiny baby steps, but he will need to have some of those skills or strategies towards developing them.

18/19 is young enough for NT students. Could he not wait at least a couple of years, with supported graded challenges such as voluntary work, or something that gets him doing things beyond the home with non-family? Slow steps, but necessary. University moves fast, and even with support, students struggle.

Really good advice from @ParmaVioletTea too. Your younger DS is almost certainly not going to be able to cope at uni aged 18, given your description: "He has selective mutism, often shuts down and can't speak, can't look after himself, gets easily overwhelmed."

I wouldn't even be considering sending him to uni straight from school, let alone four hours away. You say he can't look after himself, that alone would rule out this choice of uni for me, as a parent. Going away to uni at all with his SENs is going to be a huge challenge. I would be speaking to whatever your support is - medical, charities that work with DC with his disabilities, uni pastoral care, etc and take it from there, but I definitely wouldn't be setting him up with the expectation that he's going to uni next autumn. TBH, your local uni or the OU is a much more realistic option. Both would allow him to continue to live at home, and OU is fully remote.

I agree with you. I just do not think they should speak to the brother - it shouldn't be anything to do with him.

It would be awful to make him feel that he should care for his brother, but if asked how he say no?

Make it very very clear to him that if he chooses this uni, his brother is not his proxy parent and he can't expect to rely on him for emotional support or ready-made social group, because it is his brother's right to strike out on his own - that is part of the purpose of uni.

Wherever he goes, teach him how to make 2 or 3 basic very easy foods each day that are nutritious enough. Baked beans or peanut butter on wholemeal toast, pasta with a jar of good quality pesto or veggie sauce with grated cheese on top. Nutty muesli for breakfast if he will eat it.

Check that the uni has proper SEN support - in particular an autistic social group. ASD DS went to uni very close to home and struggled socially until he met a bunch of lovely mainly autistic or ADHD people who became good friends.

It's really important in HE that they can ask for help - if he will shut down and not reach out when he has a problem then a year out would be a good idea. Ask the university about support and particularly what they offer in terms of transition.