Autistic son wants to go to uni 4 hours away.

[elliejjtiny]

Ds2 is just going into year 13. He wants to go to a specific uni 4 hours drive away and i don't know how realistic this would be. He has selective mutism, often shuts down and can't speak, can't look after himself, gets easily overwhelmed. I just can't see how it would work. He is very rigid in his thinking. I have suggested other universities, other courses but apparently only that one will do, it's where his older brother is going next month.

It's unlikely it's the best thing for his big brother, though, is it?

Thank you. The grades are achievable for him, he needs 3 C's at a level or 3 merits in a btec/extended diploma. He is on track for 2 merits but he is struggling with the maths as he doesn't ask for help so nobody knew he was struggling.

I wouldn't want or expect ds1 to look after ds2. They are very close, always have been and i think ds2 is going to miss ds1 hugely.

Ds2 wants to have a gap year, which is something at least. He is completely in denial about the problems he has. He had an infection in his foot and he didn't tell anyone. I only found out when i was doing his laundry and found blood in his sock, then it took over a week to persuade him to let me look at his foot.

It's not whether you want or expect your older son to look after your younger son if they are both at the same university. It's just inevitable that that's what will happen.

I was very close to my disabled sibling until they moved to my city and inevitably started seeking me out for more support. I doubt my parents would have said at the beginning that they expected me to look after her, but it kept happening and kept happening because whenever she found the world difficult she would ask me for help, which is normal in a sibling relationship but she found everything difficult every day, and her needs became all consuming. Her presence in that city absolutely destroyed that period of my life, and I only got my own life back by moving somewhere new.

In your shoes I would actively discourage them from being at the same uni, it’s too much risk of unfairly impacting your eldest.

Quite. Help is available at uni, but you have to engage with it and not be passive. Help won’t come to find you. I’ve worked in HE and seen students with these issues both blossom and succeed, but also fail to complete their course. It all comes down to engagement and not necessarily how far away from home you are.