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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

20 yr old daughter now wants to go uni in 9 months

31 replies

whatsoccurring50 · 27/01/2025 21:28

My daughter has decided she wants to go uni. She spent all her child trust fund and any savings she had, she had a job that I got for her and spent all that money, she's out every wkend spending her benefits money as I took job away due to her saying she was too tired to work and hasn't found a new role and spent all Christmas and birthday money. Yet has said she wants me to pay the 9k or a contribution of half which I don't have. She doesn't even pay me any keep and I only asked for £55 per month.

I'm an older mom at 60, been single since 2009 so everything has been on me on my own. My salary is purely going on overpayments to get rid of mortgage before I retire at 66.

I've told her my focus is getting rid of the mortgage and she went on at me going on holiday for my 60th birthday which took me 2 yrs to save for yet she's planning on a couple of holidays with her friends.

We have a fraught relationship at the best of times so this is not going to go down well.

She's already told me that I'm not how a mom should be and I'm horrible so I'm not feeling too good about now having to say no but I can't say yes as I have nothing which won't change until mortgage is cleared. 3.5yrs to go which I'm hoping to clear in 1.5yrs with the overpayments.

Sorry for lengthy post, just sounding off I guess but any words of wisdom will be gratefully received.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 27/01/2025 21:29

Well she sounds really entitled and an absolute pain in the arse. Has she always been handed everything on a silver platter?

DrMadelineMaxwell · 27/01/2025 21:31

You got her a job and then took it away from her? I can understand how someone might help someone get a job, but not how they can then take it away from them.

LIZS · 27/01/2025 21:32

Has she applied yet? She could get SF in her own right and get full loans.

SheridansPortSalut · 27/01/2025 21:36

The kindest thing you can do for her at this stage is to let her stand in her own two feet. She's acting like a spoilt brat. That won't serve her well in the long run.

worcesterpear · 27/01/2025 21:39

She should get a loan like everyone else, the most you would contribute is about £4500 but if you can't afford to, she will have to pay her own way or wait until she is 25? when she can apply independently. It might be better for her to wait for a bit unless she is really sure what she wants to study.

Dearover · 27/01/2025 21:40

She can apply for university and student finance. She can apply for a tuition fee loan and a maintenance loan. The maintenance loan will be based upon your own income but you're under no obligation to top it up if she doesn't receive the full amount.

CautiousLurker01 · 27/01/2025 21:43

Tell her she had 4 days to do her UCAS application and get a reference and leave her to it. (Deadline is 31st of Jan, though they do have a late application process, but she goes to the back of the queue.)

The fact that you are panicking because you probably cannot fix this for her shows that… well, you keep fixing things for her. You need to stop. And maybe give her notice that you will not be subsidising her from X date and that this is the date she needs to move out.

I’m a mum who fixes stuff too and it’s only now I realise that I have ruined my children by being too supportive. Let her sort this on her own and don’t engage.

Solidarity from another over protective mum.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/01/2025 21:46

Yes, I don’t understand how you can take a job away from her.
She can apply for a loan, but it’s not enough to live on unless she’ll live at home and go to a local uni. So she can get a part time job .
You can remind her that she’s had the trust money and you don’t have any savings. Can you afford to give her anything, or to continue to house her? Though tbh, it sounds as if she needs to move out to enable her to grow up a bit.

Shetlands · 27/01/2025 21:48

So she spent all her own money and now wants to spend yours? Say no not a chance. You need your money for the mortgage and retirement. She had her chances and blew them so it's up to her to fund the next stage of her life, whether that's Uni or something else. If she's living with you then she should be paying for her keep because you clearly aren't well off enough to indulge her any longer.

Gassylady · 27/01/2025 21:48

Agree that she sounds very entitled. What does she want to study, is it something with good prospects for a career? Or does she want the “whole uni experience”? Not sure what the student loan situation is where you are but don’t think parental contributions are enforceable with your other commitments. Your financial security should come first.

MigGril · 27/01/2025 21:56

The UCAS deadline is actually the 29th jan at 6pm. My daughter is applying this year and college had them hand them in by the end of November.

If she has blown all her own money, then she can get loans like everyone else and a part time job. Which a lot of students have to do now.

I wouldn't feel.bad about not giving her money she's had her chance and is an adult, she needs to learn to stand on her own feet.

CautiousLurker01 · 28/01/2025 06:11

CautiousLurker01 · 27/01/2025 21:43

Tell her she had 4 days to do her UCAS application and get a reference and leave her to it. (Deadline is 31st of Jan, though they do have a late application process, but she goes to the back of the queue.)

The fact that you are panicking because you probably cannot fix this for her shows that… well, you keep fixing things for her. You need to stop. And maybe give her notice that you will not be subsidising her from X date and that this is the date she needs to move out.

I’m a mum who fixes stuff too and it’s only now I realise that I have ruined my children by being too supportive. Let her sort this on her own and don’t engage.

Solidarity from another over protective mum.

As another poster mentions - the deadline is actually 29th Jan!!

re money - she can get the loans from Student Finance England if she has a place, so not your responsibility to fund her. You don’t need to contribute a penny.

modernshmodern · 28/01/2025 06:44

So she can go to uni, she will get a loan for her course plus maintenance loan. She will then need to get a job to top up her loan.

I don't have a lot of money , my kids got around 5k maintenance loan. I sent them £150 a month each and then they worked part time on top of that. Both were fine financially.

I'd encourage her to live out it sounds like a bit of independence could be good for her.

menopausalmare · 28/01/2025 06:49

Good for her but she can fund it. Sounds like you've done your bit for her and now it's time to focus on your future.

Billybagpuss · 28/01/2025 06:49

Just practice saying, I’m sorry I can’t afford that, have you looked at student finance options etc.

Munkypuppy · 28/01/2025 06:51

Think your daughter needs a few sharp lessons such as if you spend all your money and then want something expensive, you have to think of a plan. And if you treat ppl like shit, they wont cough up thousands for you at the drop of a hat. Let her stand on her own two OP

JustBitetheKnotsOff · 28/01/2025 06:56

I doubt she'll have time to organise the reference for an application by 29 January, so I'd stop worrying about it. Certainly don't get into any of her silly arguments about who had what holiday when.

But what on earth is the bit about taking her job away? Were you her employer?

SoftandQuiet · 28/01/2025 06:58

“That’s fantastic that you want to go to uni, I’m sorry but I cant help with the money “

Miloarmadillo2 · 28/01/2025 06:59

Everyone can borrow the tuition fees. The maintenance loan is on a sliding scale from £4-10k depending on household income. The expectation is that parents top up to the higher amount in higher income households but it’s not an obligation. If you can’t afford to then she needs to look at studying near home to keep her living costs down and/or getting a job. Consider if you will house her at cost for the time she’s studying as your contribution? (Share of bills, council tax, food only?) She will miss the deadline for equal consideration for this year as there is no way her former school will sort a reference before 29th. If the course she wants is not too competitive then she might get a place with a late application for this September, but really she needs to think about the student debt this is going to land her in and take her time to make a decision. I would suggest she gets her head down and works hard for a year to save up, properly researches courses and applies for 2026.

PokerFriedDips · 28/01/2025 07:16

Where did the figure of £9k come from?
She'll be eligible for loans that will cover all her fees and at least a minimal level of living costs. If a student comes from a very low income family or are age over 25 or deemed to be estranged from their parents the maximum maintenance loan is £9,978pa (if living away from parents in term time but outside London) which goes down on a sliding scale according to parental income to a minimum of £4,767 if you are deemed well off enough that you could provide some support, so £5k(ish) per year is all that is "expected" of you (although this is unenforced and you aren't obliged to guve that).

She's clearly not very mature yet and does still need some parenting. Yes she's selfish and frivolous but that's perfectly normal for someone her age. You are still her mum.

Get her sorted to apply for student finance and tell her that the amount she gets from you will be dependent on how much efforts she makes between now and October to earn and save. A degree will be a lot of work and will require commitment and dedication and if this motivates her to buckle down and grow up that's a good thing.

CaptainCaaaavemaan · 28/01/2025 07:26

So she can go to uni, she will get a loan for her course plus maintenance loan. She will then need to get a job to top up her loan.

Exactly. My dd lives completely on her loan in Newcastle where accommodation is relatively cheap. I haven't given her £9000.

HellofromJohnCraven · 28/01/2025 07:47

Well it's tough then!
My dd3 thinks she wants to do primary, early years degree at uni. She is 17 now, I am 57.
She has planned to take at least a year off post a levels to save up. I'll help her but it's a bit dependent on me staying in work.

Jennifershuffles · 28/01/2025 07:53

Surely she can get a loan like everyone else does?
I also don't understand how you gave her a job and then took it away? Is it your company? Either way she'd be better off moving out and going to uni to get some independence. You could sub her a little bit but if she wants anything else she'll need PT work.

FartSock5000 · 28/01/2025 09:49

@whatsoccurring50 she's an over indulged, self entitled brat.

You've done too much for her and now it is an expectation.

Stop giving her so much. She doesn't even appreciate you.

I guarantee this monster of your own making won't be there for you when you are in an old folks home begging for her to visit.

Time to put yourself first.

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