20 yr old daughter now wants to go uni in 9 months

[whatsoccurring50]

My daughter has decided she wants to go uni. She spent all her child trust fund and any savings she had, she had a job that I got for her and spent all that money, she's out every wkend spending her benefits money as I took job away due to her saying she was too tired to work and hasn't found a new role and spent all Christmas and birthday money. Yet has said she wants me to pay the 9k or a contribution of half which I don't have. She doesn't even pay me any keep and I only asked for £55 per month.

I'm an older mom at 60, been single since 2009 so everything has been on me on my own. My salary is purely going on overpayments to get rid of mortgage before I retire at 66.

I've told her my focus is getting rid of the mortgage and she went on at me going on holiday for my 60th birthday which took me 2 yrs to save for yet she's planning on a couple of holidays with her friends.

We have a fraught relationship at the best of times so this is not going to go down well.

She's already told me that I'm not how a mom should be and I'm horrible so I'm not feeling too good about now having to say no but I can't say yes as I have nothing which won't change until mortgage is cleared. 3.5yrs to go which I'm hoping to clear in 1.5yrs with the overpayments.

Sorry for lengthy post, just sounding off I guess but any words of wisdom will be gratefully received.

The job was a casual one helping me in HR with data entry gor an online HR system. The Director offered her a permanent role but she said she didn't want to work in HR (we would have paid for qualification). Then I hung around at home waiting for her to get ready to come to work. She said I'm too tired to work. I said that's it then as it's embarrassing that you don't turn up and i make excuses for you. So end of job. She earned £12 an hour at 19 and had lifts to and from work, only needing to come in for 2 days under hybrid.

Did she put her uni application?

how are you feeling now have things settled at all

Given her financial history and apparent lack of awareness of what parents are asked to contribute to the loan, I wonder how serious she is about this. Has she seen friends with loan/parent money at uni and sees it as an alternative to benefits with a good social life?

If you think this is serious though, it could change her life course and it's brave to go when you know you'll be older than most. There are ways of showing support but being firm about finances. Tell her any difficulties you went through to save into the trust fund and how distressing you found it to see her take the money so lightly. We all do silly things when we're young though. Perhaps brainstorm solutions with her & expect her to come up with some e.g she changes her application to deferred entry for 2026, she gets a job and either gives you money each month to help you pay if mortgage sooner, or you let her stay rent free & she saves up so she can manage better at uni.

She sounds like she needs a reality check, but I wouldn't agree with how you handled the job, unless there is more to this. I'd have told the employer that she didn't feel up to coming in that day & I didn't know what was going on, and leave it for them to sort with her, however embarrassing. And I'd have let her know strongly my feelings about being put in that situation. She's behaving like a dependent child and I would absolutely not tolerate her withholding the money that you have both agreed she should pay you. She may respect you more if you draw some lines in the sand like going on holiday without paying you owed 'rent' means she doesn't come back to your home. At the same time you could show a lot of interest in her uni plans, look up info for her, offer to take her to applicant visit days etc

Why didn’t she go to university at 18?

There is something off about your post.

Why are you so indignant about her asking you to support her financially at university? Student finance is calculated based on household income, parents are usually expected to contribute to the cost for students under the age of 25 (with some exceptions eg married students or students who have supported themselves for 3 years). I understand that not all parents can afford the expected contribution but they are usually still supportive of trying to help their DC find a way to get through university financially.

Why did you get her a job? It wasn’t your decision to “fire” her because you were embarrassed by her, that should have been left to her employer. She can’t have been that terrible at it if they offered her a permanent role.

You seem to have made a lot of decisions for her. Maybe she is an entitled brat, maybe there is another side to the story. Perhaps she is directionless and unhappy, and behaving like this because she feels you are dictating her life.

Why don’t you support her in finding a way to finance her studies?

You cant give what you dont have!
If you dont pay off your mortgage, will she help you pay it off in future.
Going by whst you wrote, there will be more chance of keeping a snow man in the Sahara desert!
Ask her to help you clear the mortgage... and let her answer be your guide as to how much to contribute to her uni fund.

She has learned to be a dependent. Very unlikely any man will want that level of financial responsibility.... so cutting the cash flow now and making her take responsibility for her own finances is actually the kindest thing.
The worst thjng about your situation is that you actually believe she has a valid complaint!
She doesnt. She's beyond old enough to feed herself. Burn the bibbs!