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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD home for the holidays from Uni - hard to adjust!

46 replies

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 09:41

Hello - just looking for other experiences and to share a bit. My DD is home for Easter from her first year at uni and I'm finding it a bit hard to adjust. She seems to spend huge amounts of time in her room and doesn't seem particularly motivated to do very much. Its making me quite anxious (which I am prone to being anyway) and DH is telling me that i'm being daft. His reasoning is that she is fine, we're both working so not able to go on holiday or take DD anywhere, the weather is rubbish so what would we expect her to do? She has seen old school friends a couple of times, but not really very much. To be fair she has always been somebody who liked staying at home, but when she was at school she would often have friends here with her.

FWIW DD says uni is going well, she's enjoying her course and has friends there.

Is this normal for some kids? They come home for a couple of weeks and just hang around a bit aimlessly? DH thinks she is enjoying the chance just to be in the house in her own space and relax, and I know he is probably right, but I can't help worrying - aargh!

Anybody else had a similar experience? Please tell me I'm being ridiculous 😊

OP posts:

dirtyblond · 09/04/2024 09:42

nothing to worry about - she doesn't have to perform at home, does she. She can just chill

CormorantStrikesBack · 09/04/2024 09:43

She’s maybe studying? She’s likely to have exams next month.

StoneWaterWheel · 09/04/2024 09:56

Home is usually a place they can totally relax, no one judging anything you do or say or wear. These days at uni a lot of entertainment is in their room, a laptop with lots to do on it as opposed to when we went to uni and you had to leave your room to attend lectures etc. It is a very different world. They are used to being in a room and hopefully finding comfort there. They are used to being "on" and at home they can be "off"

She should possibly be doing some uni work as she will have end of year exams coming up in May/June.

Octavia64 · 09/04/2024 09:59

What are you specifically anxious about?

Many kids stop coming home for the holidays the longer they have been at uni as their life - friends, part time job, etc is there.

When mine have come back they have occasionally met up with school friends but mostly hung around and not done much.

DS was between flats for about a month in the summer and got very bored at home waiting for the new flat to start.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 09/04/2024 10:03

Does she have work to do? Mine has been home 3 weeks and has only left her room a few times. She's got 2 assignments to do and is working hard on them. She's been to the local library and Spoons (once), but that's about it.

Original poster

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 10:12

Thank you - your responses are helpful. she has said she is working on uni stuff although she often seems to be just watching box sets on her laptop! Which is a nice way to relax I guess.

I am someone who is often busy so I know the issue is mine and not hers.

I think I’m also so used to the early starts for school / work I forget that student life is lived on a very different schedule.

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 09/04/2024 10:22

Totally normal. As long as she's not unhappy don't worry. My own DD is very content in her own company and while she has friends (she's on a year long Art Foundation course) she's not one to think she's missing out.
I thought you were going to say she is argumentative and saying she's bored while expecting you to do all the cooking/laundry for her etc!

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/04/2024 10:23

Surely she has uni work to do, but also why isn't she doing paid work or some volunteering? Take advantage to get some experience for her CV.

Momstermunch · 09/04/2024 10:25

Sounds normal. My daughter is enjoying having plenty of space to chill out after pretty much only having a bedroom in halls. She's also met up with friends a couple of times, goes for the occasional walk or coffee but otherwise that's it. Ultimately, they're grown ups now and we don't get to dictate how they spend their time, as long as they are considerate people to share a house with, it's up to them what they do.

Soigneur · 09/04/2024 10:34

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/04/2024 10:23

Surely she has uni work to do, but also why isn't she doing paid work or some volunteering? Take advantage to get some experience for her CV.

It's easter vacation . No employer or charity/voluntary org is going to go to the trouble of onboarding someone when they will be disappearing in a couple of weeks.

ASighMadeOfStone · 09/04/2024 10:43

Totally normal.
They've been living alone, they've become totally independent overnight, and suddenly they're thrown back into "where's your washing/what are you doing tonight/here's your dinner".
Mine is second year but I told her last year that I get it, that was me a million years ago. It's fine to prefer to be there and to see "home" as a place to catch up on sleep and having someone cook for you. That she shouldn't feel guilty at being pretty bored at home, it's normal. No going backwards.
I'd be far more worried if mine wanted to come home a lot and preferred being here than there.
And yes to the studying, mine has 3 assignments and 3 exams before the 16/5 so is using this time to knuckle down to that as well.

FacingTheWall · 09/04/2024 10:57

Soigneur · 09/04/2024 10:34

It's easter vacation . No employer or charity/voluntary org is going to go to the trouble of onboarding someone when they will be disappearing in a couple of weeks.

Show quote history

This. Plus, it’s absolutely ok to do ‘nothing’ sometimes! Not every minute has to be spent preparing for the next thing in your life.

OP she sounds fine.

Original poster

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 10:59

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/04/2024 10:23

Surely she has uni work to do, but also why isn't she doing paid work or some volunteering? Take advantage to get some experience for her CV.

I would LOVE her to do something like this, but she’s very shy and really doesn’t want to. It’s part of my anxiety as I worry that she is missing out.

OP posts:

LIZS · 09/04/2024 11:00

Dd seems to come home to rest and decompress a bit. Sometimes busy but more often just chills, studies and on her phone,

LIZS · 09/04/2024 11:02

Volunteering on a short term or ad hoc basis can be tricky, Maybe encourage her to apply now for summer break or to get seasonal work.

Original poster

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 11:03

i think part of my anxiety is that this might be a preview of the summer hols. I know most students work / travel etc but again my DD has no plans and I’ve had to really force her into applying for a summer job. I have a horrible fear she will end up just hanging around for 3 months. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s not ideal and very different to me at that age!

OP posts:

PurpleCacao · 09/04/2024 11:04

Just let her chill and watch boxsets for two weeks. At uni she will be socialising non-stop - lectures, seminars, nights out, flatmates/housemates to talk to whenever she is at home. She needs to relax and decompress. She doesn’t need to be constantly “doing” anything. She is doing a degree, and this is her time off. When someone has a full time job and takes annual leave, do they have to be doing something too, or can they rest?

I hope your anxiety isn’t obvious to her, because she will feel suffocated and might choose not to come home next time.

Momstermunch · 09/04/2024 11:09

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 11:03

She's not you though is she? And I'm not sure the best way to help her shyness is to make her feel like she's lacking in comparison.

Sarah2891 · 09/04/2024 11:11

Let her breathe! If she's happy just let her get on with what she's doing. You are different people, she won't necessarily want the same things as you.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/04/2024 11:22

It's her first year and I suspect she may well be exhausted so is chilling and recuperating in a setting which is probably more comfortable and conducive to rest than halls.

Unless she had an at home job she could just pick up again Easter is too short a time to pick up a holiday job and volunteering is not necessary either. She is doing uni work and will have exams in the near future too.

Plenty of time in Summer for work (paid or not) and travel if that is what she chooses to do.

I know my son uses his shorter breaks at home to catch up on sleep, save some cash and get himself ready to throw himself into the next term full pelt. (Summer is different though so don't see this time as what will necessarily happen then).

Itsanothermanicmonday · 09/04/2024 11:28

Mine is exactly the same.

Original poster

bigmarrowlegs · 09/04/2024 12:15

Thanks for the replies. @Momstermunch and @Sarah2891 you're both right - she isnt me and it's good for someone to remind me of that every so often! I am calming down a bit knowing that this is quite usual. Really appreciate the replies.

OP posts:

Pinkfuvey · 09/04/2024 12:18

Mine are the same, I just leave them to it.

makeanddo · 09/04/2024 12:24

Maybe over thinking and I think this is obviously 'normal' for some but many posters have said 'as long as she's happy'. How do you know this? How do you know she is doing well?

I would be encouraging her out and getting her talking. Go for a charity shop rummage and a coffee. Going to uni is very hard socially for many and there's so much pressure for it to be all partying and happy times. Pls don't let her sit in her room because she says she's fine.

CointreauVersial · 09/04/2024 12:25

I wouldn't stress over the Easter holidays - they are quite short, and, like any teen, she just wants to veg out, particularly if she's been full-on at uni. It seems like you have no other concerns.

I would maybe speak to her about the summer, because a 3 month break is very different to 3 weeks. Suggest she adds a little structure. I always think a part-time job is a good idea, or maybe some social outings with friends, or a little project. Get her to cook dinner once a week, help with jobs around the house....but leave plenty of time for lounging, because that's what kidults do.

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