DD home for the holidays from Uni - hard to adjust!

[bigmarrowlegs]

Hello - just looking for other experiences and to share a bit. My DD is home for Easter from her first year at uni and I'm finding it a bit hard to adjust. She seems to spend huge amounts of time in her room and doesn't seem particularly motivated to do very much. Its making me quite anxious (which I am prone to being anyway) and DH is telling me that i'm being daft. His reasoning is that she is fine, we're both working so not able to go on holiday or take DD anywhere, the weather is rubbish so what would we expect her to do? She has seen old school friends a couple of times, but not really very much. To be fair she has always been somebody who liked staying at home, but when she was at school she would often have friends here with her.

FWIW DD says uni is going well, she's enjoying her course and has friends there.

Is this normal for some kids? They come home for a couple of weeks and just hang around a bit aimlessly? DH thinks she is enjoying the chance just to be in the house in her own space and relax, and I know he is probably right, but I can't help worrying - aargh!

Anybody else had a similar experience? Please tell me I'm being ridiculous 😊

Mine home over Easter as well. They are both slobbing around, eating obscene amounts and general recharging I think. Summer will be different but they can't really get a job for such a short holiday and the weather is rubbish. I find it a bit stressful because I have got used to my own space a bit and I am out of practice having other people to share with and feed.

During the holidays at uni I mostly just relaxed and recharged, watched lots of tv etc. didn't do anything you might consider productive. I've ended up with a successful professional career and I am a high earner. When I get free time I still love to slob out in front of the tv with a box set to decompress (although far less opportunity now that I have a toddler). I think you might be catastrophising over her relaxing in a normal way. If she's happy then there's no issue.

should add that I’ve just had a v nice chat with DD over a cup of tea - just chatting about nonsense, nothing in particular. She’s meeting a friend for coffee today and then offered to cook tea tonight. Phew 😊

It's so hard for both parties to adjust! I was ready to kill my DS when he went back last weekend! My friends who have been through it said this after I was missing him so much after the Christmas break.

He reverted to being 14 again - staying in bed and playing on his X box interspersed with a couple of evenings in the pub and some shifts at his old kitchen staff job over the easter weekends. I was moaning to my husband about not spending any "productive time" with him and he reminded to give my head a wobble and remind myself what I was like when I came home for the holidays as a student. Although I have already started having the conversation about the summer holiday not being quite as relaxed as he has 4 months off!!!! His course finishes quite early and I keep hinting that his accomodation is still paid for another month!

This was the best advice a friend told me a few years ago - I usually love being around people and arranging get togethers (less so as I get older and prefer PJs and a box set!) and my DS and DD were quite happy pottering around at home. My friend suggested I was gauging their happiness on what made me happy rather than what they preferred to do.

At least you don't have a boy doing computer gaming every hour of the Easter holiday!
She is probably just very tired and wants to relax and have the peace of no people around for Easter. She probably has some revision of year 1 exams to come. Some careers like mine (law) want the marks of every module including on year 1 on application forms so year 1 is a good time to start getting very high marks even though not part of your final degree result.

How is she financing university, surely she will need a job in the summer holidays to boost her bank account.

DS has a part-time job in hospitality, which is great for when he comes home in the holidays, as that is when they need extra staff

@bigmarrowlegs my DD is 20 & 2nd year at Uni. Honestly your DD sounds just fine. Mine is chilling in her room a lot too. Doing some Uni revision/coursework. My DD got a job during her 1st summer break but not at Easter (though Easter is a great time to apply for jobs for the 3 month break etc). 1st year is really their main year to enjoy student life and relax wothout worrying too much about their future. My DD is also shy/an introvert & enjoys being at home with us/her brother/our cats. 2nd year is often more complicated as half her course have applied/gained a work placement position for their 3rd year (my DD was lucky enough to secure one too) so we have lots of stress coming up before she begins her job at the end of July a 2 hour drive away from us - (she'll be renting a flat/living alone/working for a year in an unfamiliar city where she knows nobody & shes getting very anxious about it all). Let your DD just enjoy her easter break 👏👏

Awwwthats good to hear @bigmarrowlegs my DD never offers to cook though she is helpful in other areas & will cook with me iyswim.

How are you with her? Is it possible that being away at uni has made her realise how hard dealing with your anxieties is and she just doesn’t want to do it any more? I was like this with my mum (who also had anxieties about us doing nothing) and eventually things got so bad that I stopped coming home altogether.

Your husband is right.

Remind her that she’s cooking dinner for everyone tonight and for everyone + grandparents on Saturday!

Does she want you to transfer some funds for her shopping now or once she’s been?

Dd was home for 3 weeks, just gone back. Didn't manage to catch up with many friends this time as her holiday was earlier than some of them, so just met the same friend a couple of times. Will probably have more time in the summer to catch up with the rest.
Spent lots of time chilling in her room, but also went out with her sister and with us.

She might to just experience having 3 months with nothing to do. My dd is in second year now but was the same last summer. She ended up being a bit fed up and has made plans for this summer to avoid the same thing happening again.

Also, at the end of first year they're still a bit 'betwixt and between', out of the loop with home friends and probably missing Uni friends. She'll find her feet.

She's probably just "recharging" ready for term. When I came home from uni I usually spent the first 7-10 days of the short vacations just being ill in bed because my body was finally allowed to relax and all the viruses it had been fighting off all term were allowed to take hold, and the rest of it studying. Don't think I ever got a chance to do more than a couple of fun things in the short holidays. It's so go go go in term time, just doing nothing is quite a release.

Uni holidays take a bit of adjusting to, for us and for them. I've got 2 at uni (one first year and 1 third year), and it can feel a bit unsettled like you never quite settle into a routine. Summer jobs can be tricky to get. DD1 at Warwick finishes summer term quite late, so isn't home for long enough. DD2 will be home for longer as she finishes end of may, so I hope she gets something or its a really long summer otherwise.

Mine is exactly the same with the added annoyance of, when she did emerge from her room, she wished to be waited on hand and foot (yes, I know, my fault for doing it).

I have, however, pushed her to apply for summer jobs. I did have the stick of her having a previous part time job that she hated that I said she would have to go back to if she didn’t get something else. I am very happy to support her at uni, and she does need down time, but she doesn’t need 3 months of it. She can earn or do something positive.

I thought you were going to say that you were clashing with her and she wasn't respecting your space. It's weird when children come back from uni, revert to behaving like children but also expect to be treated like adults. I wouldn't worry.

It does sound like you are one of those people who rarely relaxes, so you don’t get it when others do. Nothing wrong with either, we are all different.

As long as she is happy in herself, it all sounds perfectly normal to me.

Please chill out. I see this happen with extroverts who are always busy. You need to accept she is different otherwise you'll make her feel odd or like she's doing something wrong. People who like the quiet are just as normal. Just let her be. I promise you your relationship will be thankful for it.
Home should be a place she can relax.

I suppose it all depends on the child. My youngest would be exactly the same as this whereas that would be odd for the eldest.