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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Dreading results day - DD won’t entertain or discuss a plan B

43 replies

Daddylonglegs123 · 15/08/2023 08:55

As the title suggests we are dreading results day. DD did dreadful in her mock exams so in all probability she may struggle to even achieve the results required even to be offered her insurance choice Uni (especially if all the press coverage is correct). She did appear to work harder on revision for her main exams but the reality is it will take a huge leap but who knows.

She outrightly refuses to discuss any plan B options with us i.e. Clearing, an apprenticeship option and just gets angry and closes the conversation down if it is mentioned at all attacking us for even discussing other options.

We would just like her to briefly entertain the idea and be able to discuss things with her sensibly and calmly (especially as we will be paying a considerable amount per year to top her up to the max Maintenance Loan amount and will be investing time and effort ferrying her and her belongings around to whichever Uni). We would just like to ensure we are as prepared as possible for Thursday so we can hit the ground running. I have no experience of Clearing but believe things happen fast. Yet I can imagine her disappearing into town with her BF regardless of her results on Thursday or opting for a Uni a goodly many hours away.

Any top tips for us to approach this with her one more time today or tomorrow or should we give up?

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 15/08/2023 08:57

I think you’re crossing a bridge before you come to it. Leave it for now. School will have plenty of people to help on Thursday morning with a plan.

I feel for you - my children are much younger but I’m a secondary teacher and I was up at 6.30 this morning with A-level results fear 🤦‍♀️

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 08:58

I would wait till the results and then discuss plan B you are obviously wanting her to have a rethink just in case this is too much for her to cope with, just wait and stop asking and try and relax..

Hercisback · 15/08/2023 08:58

Could you send her a message along the lines of "we're here whatever happens on Thursday. We know you don't want to talk about it now, but the reality is that clearing will need to be applied to quickly...." (then list when you'll be around Thursday).

Then it's clear what your expectations are and she knows you're there but no more conversations need to be had before Thursday?

Cookerhood · 15/08/2023 08:58

I would leave it for now but quietly have all the information about clearing ready to go - including phone numbers for school & universities, links to the clearing lists etc etc. Then swing into action when the results come if necessary. She probably feels you are undermining her efforts.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:58

Why can't you just wait till then?

YakChewCrumbs · 15/08/2023 08:59

We were in the same situation last year. I sat down and found some clearing options I thought might make sense. On the day, while DD was busy being devastated by her (still excellent but not what she had been hoping for) results I had a list for her to work through with clearing options. It meant we didn't waste time on the day and she secured several offers by mid morning meaning she could choose later that day when she was seeing a bit more clearly. She is really really happy at her clearing choice and has said she thinks it's better for her than her plan A had been.

Good luck.

YallaYallaaa · 15/08/2023 09:00

I’d leave it - you clearly have good intentions but you must be making her feel like you have no faith in her.

She’s probably mulling it herself, and you can work on it together if you need to.

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2023 09:00

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:58

Why can't you just wait till then?

Because lots of kids WILL have a plan B and she could miss out on an opportunity if she isn’t quick off the mark.
Having said that at 18 all you can do is provide support and make them aware of options but you can’t do it for them.

QueenofLouisiana · 15/08/2023 09:05

I think the stress is getting to a lot of them. DS asked the other day if we would still love him, no matter what the results this week. I'm not entirely sure he was joking (of course I told him we love him always).

I think I'd have numbers quietly to hand. School should have a support team in place in case things aren't quite as hoped.

Good luck, Parents. As a PP, I am awake at stupid times worrying about Thursday.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2023 09:08

I wouldn't be bringing up the expenses and your 'ferrying' her and her stuff back and forth for a start. That you presumably would do as she is your daughter and you want to help her - so don't use it in as a guilt trip, which is how it comes across in your post.
I agree it does seem she is burying her head in the sand somewhat - and really who can blame her? The pressure is immense, and she realises she is unlikely to make her grades but is, in youthful nativity, hoping for a miracle so doesn't want to face facts until it actually happens.
My own daughter, also awaiting results, said yesterday if she was reliant in getting certain grades but worried she might not, would write a list of all possible universities that do the course she is interested in descending order of likely acceptable grades (I believe this information is already in clearance?) with phone numbers, and once she got her results would go through the list. As your daughter is reluctant, maybe you need to do this - I know there's many on Mumsnet who will say that it's your daughter's responsibility and she should sink or swim on her own, but I think the stakes are too high.
Alternatively, she could always take a gap year, and also consider whether university is really the route for her? If she faces disappointment, and decides against (or will not engage) in clearing, it is not the end of the world. The sun will still come up the next day.

nicestcelebs · 15/08/2023 09:10

No advice but I hope it all goes ok, op.

Justgonefishing · 15/08/2023 09:17

there is absolutely no need to go straight to uni if thigs do go wrong...i had 2 years out after not getting the grades for my degree ,i chose to take time out to really consider my alternatives, do work experience etc and i ended up in a career far more suited to me. not getting grades isn't the end of the world so a breather is not a bad thing, better than going for the wrong course and regretting it.

Henddraig · 15/08/2023 09:18

Let her take a gap year, apply to where she wants with a clear head, and work to build up funds for wherever she chooses. Feels like a win win rather than forcing her into a choice that might not be right just because it’s there.

NancyJoan · 15/08/2023 09:22

You can have a look at Clearing yourself, see which universities currently have places on her course, and get together a list of phone numbers for the different unis. Clearing moves fast, if she definitely want to go this year, you will need to get her into gear on Thursday. Can you offer to take her and the BF out for lunch? That way you can deal with any fall out from 8am to 1pm, then they can have the rest of the day together.

TheOutlaws · 15/08/2023 09:24

My mum was the opposite in that she made a massive fuss about going straight to uni and not entertaining a year out/working/reflecting/maturing. I did well, went straight to Oxford, and came out with a 2:2 because I didn’t enjoy studying the subject I’d chosen. (I’ve since converted my degree to my true passion, but in my 40s!!).

Your DD is nervous about Thursday and probably suffering from cognitive dissonance. Let it play out in real time and just be there to support/advise when it happens. I know there are logistics issues for you, but this is the same for every parent of a uni starter; you just have to go with the flow a bit on this one.

tribpot · 15/08/2023 09:25

There are a couple of useful threads on MN in this section about Clearing. My SIL's advice to me was to be ready for clearing even if DS is adamant he doesn't want to do it. I know he won't change his mind and we already have a backup plan sorted for if he doesn't get into either his firm or insurance. So I would take my SIL's advice even though I'm not going to 😀UCAS have a good video for parents on Clearing as well.

Hope it all works out, the pressure is really building here as well.

mum11970 · 15/08/2023 09:27

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:58

Why can't you just wait till then?

I guarantee others will have a plan B. DS’s first choice is an AAA requirement and he no longer wants to go to his safety so he’s drawn up a list of which universities to phone, in which order, if does need to go through clearing. We’d rather be straight on the phone to clearing than waiting to speak to a teacher at school who can’t actually do anything other than offer advice and if the recent news stories are to be believed there are going to be a lot of very upset kids fighting for places on Thursday. I’m absolutely dreading it, because I’m going to have a child who will feel like he’s failed if he gets a sodding B instead of an A and no amount of comfort from me is going to make him feel any better.

calmcoco · 15/08/2023 09:28

I understand you want a plan B, but it isn't about you.

People handle emotions differently.

Let your dd live her life her way.

Original poster
Daddylonglegs123 · 15/08/2023 09:30

Sorry I just don’t want DD to miss out on something if she is not prepared when others are because of her extreme independence and stubbornness. I would never dream of guilt tripping DD about travel and topping up her ML etc. She knows we love her, we are around on Thursday should imshe wants us etc.

I have also firmly always believed that not everyone should go to Uni either at 18 or later on.

I will leave it now with DD and quietly research alternatives on my own and say no more to her. I have taken the day off work so I am around as we did for her older sibling who got excellent results and disappeared with friends to celebrate leaving us to have a nice relaxing lunch. So she is probably feeling double pressure with a lot to live up to but they both have totally different qualities and academic interests and we are extremely proud of both of them.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 15/08/2023 09:36

That sounds like a fantastic plan. If you have a good idea of all the alternatives then she can come to you for advice and help if she needs or wants it. I’ve let DS know that we are happy with whatever he chooses to do; whether that is change course, take a year out, ditch the idea of uni completely, absolutely everything is an option we will back him up with.

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2023 09:39

Daddylonglegs123 · 15/08/2023 09:30

Sorry I just don’t want DD to miss out on something if she is not prepared when others are because of her extreme independence and stubbornness. I would never dream of guilt tripping DD about travel and topping up her ML etc. She knows we love her, we are around on Thursday should imshe wants us etc.

I have also firmly always believed that not everyone should go to Uni either at 18 or later on.

I will leave it now with DD and quietly research alternatives on my own and say no more to her. I have taken the day off work so I am around as we did for her older sibling who got excellent results and disappeared with friends to celebrate leaving us to have a nice relaxing lunch. So she is probably feeling double pressure with a lot to live up to but they both have totally different qualities and academic interests and we are extremely proud of both of them.

Sounds like a perfect plan.
Best of luck to all the DCs getting their results on Thursday x

TokyoSushi · 15/08/2023 09:41

Agree, leave her for now and don't mention it again. Quietly do your own research so that you have a Plan B ready to go if necessary and then you can be around to congratulate/pick up the pieces on Thursday. Good luck!

Dotcheck · 15/08/2023 09:56

What is she wanting to take?
There are many many options.
Kids often go into panic mode and just accept any course in Clearing, so it is important for her to remember what she wants to study, and why. So, if she hated a university on open day, don’t let her get tempted to accept a place at it just because they offer.

If she just misses the grades needed, she can get in touch with her chosen unis to see if they will still accept her.

UCAS has a matching system which will hopefully make things easier.

It is sometimes possible to retake exams, but she would need to take a gap year, and identify an exam centre. She will have to ensure her chosen unis will accept retakes.

She could take a gap year and reapply for 2024 entry with known grades. This puts her in a really strong position.

If her grades are weak, and she doesn’t want to retake exams, she could explore other options, like talking additional level 3 qualifications at an FE college and going down a slightly different pathway. She may want to look at Higher Technical Qualifications.

She could think about apprenticeships. This is not an easy option though. Students are working, and have uni work on top. It can be a big load. Again, taking a Gap year could really help clarify her mind.

She doesn’t have to leap into anything, but she does have to think about it.

The careers service at her school is likely to be available on the day, so encourage her to see them if needed.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 10:45

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 08:58

Why can't you just wait till then?

I can understand entirely where Op coming from. It’s not just the DD with skin in the game.
If she was a fully independent self funding adult then it’s entirely on her.
If she needs thousands a year from mum and dad and is expecting lifts to and from uni then it’s unfair to faff around on results day and end up 200 miles from home not accessible by public transport and accommodation £250 a week simply because she cba engaging.
Its a defence mechanism on her part but I can fully see where Op coming from.
Gap year may be a good shout just to take pressure off.

UniversityOfWinchester · 15/08/2023 10:52

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