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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD accepted uni place now doesn't want to go

36 replies

tired17 · 22/08/2017 20:17

My DD accepted a place at uni on Friday by completing the registration online. She then got her accommodation offer and has also accepted that.

She is now saying she really doesn't want to go. I have told her she needs to phone the uni to discuss her options and given her the phone number to call but she is refusing to call or discuss the situation with me at all.

From previous experience with her over the years I suspect that this situation will not change. So my question is what happens regarding uni fees and accommodation fees if she just doesn't turn up? I know that I can't phone on her behalf and to be honest I don't want to, I have told her (I don't know if this is correct) that she will end up with the uni fees debt and accommodation debt if she doesn't take some action but it hasn't made any difference.

I know that the right thing to do is phone asap and have stated this both verbally and in a message but I am not able to force her to. Does anyone have any knowledge as to what might happen regarding the fees?

Thanks

OP posts:

Horsemad · 22/08/2017 20:19

Would she call them if you sit with her for support?

Has she said why she doesn't want to go?

LIZS · 22/08/2017 20:20

Iirc you have a week from arrival to withdraw and cancel the finance. You would lose any deposit for accommodation now and even may have to pay the first term.

Original poster

tired17 · 22/08/2017 20:28

Horsemad - I'm happy to sit with her and have arranged to work from home tomorrow so I could do that but, from experience i really don't think she will. I have tried to ask what her worries are but, again, she is not saying. If I knew what they were we could discuss it. She just says she doesn't want to go. I feel really sad at the moment because I know she would enjoy it if she gave it a chance.

The subjects is one she studied at A level and loved so I'm fairly sure it's not that.

OP posts:

LineysRun · 22/08/2017 20:30

The small print from Reading says 14 days from formal acceptance. I guess they're all similar?

But DO act or you'll be charged fees and interest.

So sorry for all the stress.

Horsemad · 22/08/2017 21:03

I hope she does talk about why she doesn't want to go tired17. It's horrible to see them bothered about something at what should be a happy and exciting time for them.

It's less than a week since results; feels like years, doesn't it?!

Original poster

tired17 · 22/08/2017 21:31

Thanks for everyone's comments. Hopefully things will be better in the morning

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 23/08/2017 08:47

I knew I didn't want to study the subject I'd got a place in , but it was difficult to explain to people. "You'll love it once you are there" well I didn't. Sometimes you just know it's the wrong thing to do - gut feeling if you like. It's a difficult conversation - but one she must have.

IdaBiscuit · 23/08/2017 08:50

If she's unsure, can she call them and ask to defer for a year?

If you've paid an accommodation deposit you'll not get that back but shouldn't have to pay any fees if she doesn't register.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 23/08/2017 08:55

My DD changed her mind at the last minute. However she said it was the subject she couldn't face doing. History had always been her favourite, but by the time she'd done A levels, she couldn't face ever stuffing it again .

Anyway she took a gap year and reapplied. She loved the new subject and uni and has never looked back.

It's good your taking a day off, tell DD, that although she doesn't want to face ip to things, she wil have to or she will end up owing thousands if pounds. However in your situation is tell her, you will phone up and sort cancelling IF she will talk to you, re what is going on in her mind. Maybe she does just needs a gap or maybe she doesn't want to go to uni at all. Whatever, she can't just do nothing.

Also, I'm sure there will be something on her uni website about how to cancel a place, it's probably sending an email to someone.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 23/08/2017 08:57

Excuse typos! I obviously meant *studying NOT stuffing

cowbag1 · 23/08/2017 09:00

Is there anything going on in het personal life?

I met DH a few months before I was due to move away to uni and he had to force me to accept my place because I was adamant that I didn't want to go and leave him. Could she have a new partner on the scene? Could it just be cold feet?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/08/2017 09:03

She should make the phone call but you could find out what it will cost her finacially not to make the phone call and ask her how she will pay those costs.

It sounds harsh, and it's horrible to see them worried or anxious, but she is at an age where she has to start taking responsibility for her choices.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/08/2017 09:18

What are the consequences of her owing a lot of money? Will it come out of her bank account or yours? And does she understand that if she doesn't make a call to explore options - or cancel - someone is going to have to pay for it.

It sounds either as though she has some kind of anxiety - or that she's still thinking like a child and expecting mummy and daddy to pick up the bill. Either situation, it needs sorting.

Good luck, OP.

Needmoresleep · 23/08/2017 09:20

If she really is in a state, how about you phone with her present. You explain that she is worried about such a major decision and wants to know her options, but has asked for your help. You then hand the phone to her for her to give permission to talk on her behalf, and then you continue a factual conversation, with it clear she is still in the room.

If nothing else it would highlight that she is not ready for University.

I would then insist she has a plan for a Gap Year. DD decided late in the day last year to defer her place, partly because she had been very ill so getting through Yr 13 had been difficult, but also because she was young for the year. She did this a bit earlier so it was simply a case of me helping her draft a suitable email asking for a deferral. But I also worked with her to find things she might do. In her case a slightly stereotypical work/ski season/Camp America. She has had a ball, made loads of friends, lots of new experiences and she will start University much more prepared. But these applications need to be done quickly.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 23/08/2017 09:38

She may not need to phone. If you look on the Uni website about cancellation, there may just well be an email address.

Original poster

tired17 · 23/08/2017 09:49

Thanks for all your comments. She is now not speaking at all. I asked her this morning when we could have a chat about the situation but she is blanking me and has now gone to work (she has a summer job). I'm now working at home for no reason and we are still in a state of limbo!

There's no relationship around and all her friends will be going so if she stays here she won't have much of a social life.

Me phoning with her present would be a good idea but I still have to have a conversation with her first to establish what she wants. I'm happy with whatever decision she makes its the making the decision that we are stuck on.

I haven't filled in the guarantor form for the accommodation yet - I have until the end of the week, if she is still not talking then I'm in a dilemma as to what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

tired17 · 23/08/2017 09:50

Just seen the update about the possibility of emailing, will check that out, thanks

OP posts:

Needmoresleep · 23/08/2017 09:59

You phone them without giving her name and ask what the options are, and what she needs to do and when. Explain she is in complete meltdown.

Then write it down for her, perhaps with draft emails.

Yes....she should do it. But is sounds as if she has regressed to being a 13 year old.

Good luck.

Headofthehive55 · 23/08/2017 10:08

What don't you start the conversation by saying "look uni isn't for everyone..."
Thereby acknowledging she might be one of these people. By feeling sad and think she'll enjoying it if she gave it a chance - maybe your thoughts are so far removed from hers that she feels you wouldn't understand. And maybe she's picking up on your feelings.

I think it's more widely acknowledged these days that uni doesn't suit everyone and not everyone had a good time there.

Samsara123 · 23/08/2017 10:14

Could she carry on with her Summer job for another year? Give her time to reconsider and maybe go next year.

Horsemad · 23/08/2017 10:20

I think if she's not 100% keen to go then don't push her; it will be a costly mistake otherwise.

Try and encourage her to defer to next year. Don't complete the guarantor form, or you will be liable for some big charges!

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 10:24

I know she would enjoy it if she gave it a chance

Please don't say this to her as you don't know that at all.

Hope it works out for her - DS has just done a gap year where he worked to fund a two-month trip round SE Asia - he's now raring to go for uni.

ItsNotLit · 23/08/2017 10:45

Could you email your daughter? Or might it antagonize her?

Tell her you will support her whatever, say that you think she should sot out finance etc and that you think she will feel better once she has done it, give her a few ideas for what she could do next year. There is nothing wrong with her just taking a year out and working in a shop or whatever. It does of people the world of good.

Did she get dissapointing results? Was the Uni her first choice, insurance choice or clearing?

What about offering her a trip to visit he Uni to confirm that it's not for her?

Is there anyone else she would talk too? Auntie or friend??

Original poster

tired17 · 23/08/2017 11:03

I absolutely don't mind whether she goes or not - I didn't go and neither did her father. It's just the problem that we don't know whether she's going and can't get anything from her regarding this that is the issue along with the huge financial implications if she keeps ignoring the situation.

She handed her notice in for her job at the weekend so currently she is due to finish next weekend although I'm sure if she speaks to them she could carry on - again back to the needing to make a decision and act on it!!

OP posts:

Horsemad · 23/08/2017 11:09

She's probably feeling overwhelmed, is there a family friend who she'd talk to?

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