Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

I'm being criticised for paying for my son's uni accommodation . Apparently I'm spoiling him.

50 replies

Luncharmstrong · 16/07/2017 17:28

My son goes to uni next year.
We are within easy commuting distance but he really wants to stay in halls.
I stayed in halls back in the day. I loved it.
I am going to pay for his halls . It s£126 a week for term time . It's a lot of money but I have worked hard to be able to do this.

He will get a student loan for all other expenses. If he needs more money over and above his loan he will need to get a job. I won't be baling him out.

A close friend has criticised me for this. Says because he could commute ( train then bus about an hour each way ) my son is "taking the piss" and I am indulging him by paying hall fees.

Apparently this person's former stepchildren got a loan , stayed in halls, got jobs to pay it all with no regular parental contribution.

Am I doing something abnormal ?

OP posts:
Syc4moreTrees · 16/07/2017 17:29

Don't listen. Raise your child however you want. There are valuable life skills to be learned from living alone. Hopefully he will appreciate the help, and repay it by working hard

BethennyFrankel · 16/07/2017 17:30

No, you're normal, tell her to butt out, none of her business

Kerberos · 16/07/2017 17:31

This has nothing to do with anyone except you and your son. I think it's a great idea to allow him those steps of supported independence if you can afford it then why the hell not.

gandalfspants · 16/07/2017 17:32

That sounds fine to me. My parents gave me £40 a week on top of my loans, I got a job as well in the second year.

I honestly think staying in halls/renting later was a great way to step up independence, in a way that I wouldn't have had staying at home and commuting.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:32

Your life, your money

Respond with "thanks for your contribition now don't let me keep you" (pinched from another thread Smile ) then do what suits your family

228agreenend · 16/07/2017 17:33

No, what you are doing is the norm. Staying In halls, making new friends, living the uni life is what it's all about. It's not all about academia.

You are not indulging him at all.

Also, we recently started looking at unis, and that was the price of one of the halls we looked at, so,perfectly normal.

I think what she said is quite strange to be honest. A few students live at home, but the majority don't.

Pibplob · 16/07/2017 17:34

Do it! I will for my kids if I can at the time and I'd be proud to help them along a bit! Why not? I commuted and feel like I missed out a bit! Def do it if you can afford it.

SophieGiroux · 16/07/2017 17:46

I lived at home while I went to uni and feel like I did miss out on the full uni experience. If my parents had paid for halls I'd have jumped at the chance. Just sounds like a bit of jealousy to me, ignore!

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/07/2017 17:51

Take no notice

Just because someone else studied all day cleaned toilets all night and wore clothes they made out of paper and nail clippings doesn't mean everyone has to struggle or miss out on things. They have their whole lives to struggle and work 125 hour weeks. Why not enable them to enjoy the last few years of education and help them make the most out of it.

Needmoresleep · 16/07/2017 18:12

Really don't worry. DS lived within walking distance of his University and we still paid for his hall. It was very important for DS to move away and become independent. He is now back at home but seemingly happy to do his share of chores. The same pattern of a year away and then moving back home, was true of many of his friends living within commutable distance. You meet first year friends in halls and societies. Second year, when you start to specialise (and work harder), more friends often come from your course and the library.

Do not underestimate how hard some students have to work. It depends slightly on course but DS would have struggled to keep up with the pace commuting two hours each day. Better to help him with the adaptation from school to university that risk him struggling.

LIZS · 16/07/2017 18:16

Ignore. We pay ds accommodation and he uses his loan for day to day expenses.

lifeinthecountry · 16/07/2017 18:18

What you're doing sounds normal and is very common. I agree with PP that it's a good way to help your ds become more independent. Ignore your 'friend'.

Original poster
Luncharmstrong · 16/07/2017 20:52

Aw thanks you all are so kind. I.e. You agree with me ! Just kidding. I was wondering if I was biased and out of touch. I have no one to discuss this with or compare to.

OP posts:
Kez100 · 18/07/2017 10:50

Although my DD had to go away as we don't live close she has grown immensely from the experience. If you can afford it, I entirely agree. Its a different experience living as well as studying and one that is valuable if it is affordable. If not, fair enough.

Floggingmolly · 18/07/2017 10:52

When you tell all and sundry random details about your life that they don't need to know, they'll have an opinion and they'll generally share it with you.
Why did you feel anyone needed to know?

Eolian · 18/07/2017 10:56

Hmm The OP says the person is a close friend, not 'all and sundry'. Close friends tend to chat about the details of their lives. I expect it came up in conversation, rather than the OP announcing it because she 'felt anyone needed to know'.

squishysquirmy · 18/07/2017 11:02

If you can afford it, I think its a really nice thing to do. There will be other students in your son's accommodation block who's parents are paying for a lot more, I suspect. The amount of money that students have to spend now is higher than it was in the past - so was I spoiled by the government when my fees were capped at £3000? Were previous generations spoiled when large grants were more widely available? Why is it assumed that youngsters now will be spoiled for receiving a lot less financial support than older generations did?

I suspect that your friend might have made the comment out of defensiveness and insecurity - maybe she was unable to support her dc in the same way at uni. Some people take others doing things differently to them as a personal criticism. Which is stupid, but you see it a lot.

Nelly5678 · 18/07/2017 11:21

Yabu. He wants to grow up enough to go to uni and stay away from home, he needs to pay his way. You wouldn't pay his rent if he went into full time work and moved out of the family home would you? No

Wreckingball25 · 18/07/2017 11:33

My parents paid for my accommodation and books (and a generous big shop at the start of term) and I used loans/wages for the rest. It's a lovely, generous thing to do Smile

HSMMaCM · 18/07/2017 11:40

We're making a generous contribution towards DD's halls. Even if she goes to the local uni she wants to live in halls and I can 100% understand and support that.

Each family will do it their own way. My sister helped her children ALOT and each in different ways. My brother has 4 children and they've had to support themselves, with the occasional food shop from home.

Some people will get massive allowances from home, others will get none.

It's no ones business but your own.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 11:43

No one else's business. I can imagine your friend wouldnt have been happy paying for her "former step children's" digs and that's why she has an opinion.

I think its lovely what your doing

Moominmammacat · 18/07/2017 11:53

I bought a house each for my DSs to prevent them being exploited by grotty landlords.

squishysquirmy · 18/07/2017 13:03

Nelly: "You wouldn't pay his rent if he went into full time work and moved out of the family home would you? No"

Plenty of parents help their children out financially, even when that child is in full time work; whether through helping out with a house deposit, helping pay for a wedding, allowing them to live at home on a reduced rent, or indirect financial assistance such as providing childcare. Not everyone is in a position to do this, and not all parents want to do this, but I don't think the op is U for helping her son out.

Fifiesta · 18/07/2017 13:20

Our son & daughter left home to study different subjects, at the same 'technically' commutable university on the same day.
They both took out the maximum loan that they were entitled to, but in no way would that have been able to cover rent and living expenses in Brighton.
We supported them by paying their rent, enabling them to start to live independant lives, and get a full university experience. This took every penny of my take home pay as a p/t medical receptionist.
Was it worth it ! Yes. It prevented their student debts from being even higher.
As parents you still try to help when and where you can. Don't let people try to shame you when you can, or if indeed when you can't...

Original poster
Luncharmstrong · 18/07/2017 13:57

Nelly that's exactly what my friend said.

For whoever commented about all and sundry , it was in a discussion with a good friend about our children and their futures.

Thanks to everyone

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread