I'm being criticised for paying for my son's uni accommodation . Apparently I'm spoiling him.

[Luncharmstrong]

My son goes to uni next year.
We are within easy commuting distance but he really wants to stay in halls.
I stayed in halls back in the day. I loved it.
I am going to pay for his halls . It s£126 a week for term time . It's a lot of money but I have worked hard to be able to do this.

He will get a student loan for all other expenses. If he needs more money over and above his loan he will need to get a job. I won't be baling him out.

A close friend has criticised me for this. Says because he could commute ( train then bus about an hour each way ) my son is "taking the piss" and I am indulging him by paying hall fees.

Apparently this person's former stepchildren got a loan , stayed in halls, got jobs to pay it all with no regular parental contribution.

Am I doing something abnormal ?

I agree with other posters O P . It's fine to psy your DS',s rent.
All 3 of our DDs went to university and we paid for halls in the first yrst and most of their accommodation in the 2nd and 3rd years.
A lot of parents do this.
Don't listen to your friend
Living in hals will give him independence and help win get into university life.

We did the same although DC used loan for accommodation and our contribution for living, books, etc. This way if the loan is late the accommodation understands and they still have money for food. Lots of kids were stuck and hungry when loans were delayed. Happens regularly especially at the start of each year. Mine were able to sub their mates this way.

Please do help if you can. The debt mine came out with is eye watering

My parents also used to put money on a food card for their local supermarket as a treat for them. And I used to batch bake meals and freeze at the start of the term .... mine loved small roast joints cooked to just under rare so only took 20 mins to finalise cooking and with housemates enjoyed a Sunday roast! Also basic pasta sauce with loads of veg included that they could use alone or add meat, chorizo, chilli etc for different meals. They loved it especially in the dark winter months when cramming for exams and its cold and damp.

But perhaps I just spoiled them ? Hey ho if so. Both very independent now so molly coddling didn't adversely affect them. And they can both put meals together using veg and the reduced aisles

We support our children as much as they need it - if it's a school trip we pay, uni we pay accommodation & some living expenses. Will help fund some holidays as well. You can't take it with you & young people need the help more than we do. We can help them so we do. I'll never forget being at college & ending up with dry skin patches & being very thin (lost 1 ½ stone) due to very low income.

Ok, I was a student in the 80s when contact hours were higher but the one year at University I got a part-time job, my studies went rapidly down the toilet. I coasted through the year and panic-learned for the exams. After that I stuck to working two Summer jobs and living frugally during termtime.

Is that what you'd like for your son? It sounds like it's what your friend expects from her DC. Plus, I don't know where all these PT jobs in university towns are to be found.

Think of it like this: if your DS is on a course that will give him a future you're actually investing in his career by making it easier for him to get good results.

And it's your money and your choice how you spend it. None of her business, but she's probably a bit insecure/defensive about her own DC's future. Aren't we all?

Anyone else always visited with huge packets of toilet rolls, washing stuff? Actually all the essential but expensive and hugely boring stuff?

We pay our dses rent. All parents seem to do it amongst people we know.

Tell her to mind her own business, rude mare.

Staying in Halls is a part of Uni life and the first step to leaving home and independence. I always felt sorry for those students living at home as they missed out on such a lot of experiences (and parties). Our DT's are both at Uni and enjoying the lifestyle.

We paid Ds's accommodation throughout uni leaving maintenance loan for him to live on.

Interesting that it was her stepchildren that had to fend for themselves! I wonder if they were her kids they'd have to have done the same!

Totally agree you're doing the right thing. University is just not the same if you stay at home - unless you want to of course!! I'm paying out 1400pcm towards my two at university out of my 4 days a week teaching salary. It's worth it - better that than dd1 get a career development loan for her MSc. I got a credit card interest free - she won't have charges (no living loan for pg) and when I'm not paying her London rent I'll pay it all off before any interest turns up. It's not easy for students these days.

Very normal.
The loan my dc get will cover food and other weekly living but not all of their accommodation as well.
ds lived in very cheap accommodation and he used his loan to pay that and we set up a standing order to transfer money regularly for food etc.
dd doesn't have the same choice, so her loan won't cover even her accommodation so we will probably end up paying that and she can use her loan for day to day living (will have to do the final sums to ensure we are being 'fair' to each of them).
Both have jobs and work through the holidays and ds did at Uni and dd hopes to.

It's a great thing to do, and entirely sensible.

Nelly the course Ds took stressed most emphatically that students worked no more than 15 hours a week at the most and then only if essential. So 15 hours at minimum wage £5.60 ph for under 21 would equate to £84 per week gross. And that is NOT enough to live on in central London.
OP you must do what is right for your family, and judging by the majority of comments on here most of mumsnet agree with you.
Good luck to your Ds.

I actually think it's really unusual to do this. Not for child to go to nearby uni and stay in halls, but for it to be paid for by parents and not SL.

We paid the rent for both DDs, and one was at a unI that she could have commuted to. All their flat mates and many of their peers whose parents could afford it had the same arrangement. It is very common. The student loan is no longer set at a level that covers rent and living costs without extreme frugality (and sometimes hall fees are so high they take almost the whole loan) or some other income. One of our DDs was on a science course that was acknowledged as having the same workload as medicine and architecture, working was not an option and what we did for one we did for the other.

I did not get a grant back in the 70s and my parents only paid the fees so I had to work every spare moment. I still regret the lost opportunities for travel and study, having to live in the shittiest cheap accommodation, basically slums, and the fact I was excluded from social activities and trips. I do not subscribe to the belief that not forcing young people to miss out is spoiling them.

My DS gets the maximum loan of £8200 and has to pay all accommodation and living expenses from this. I can't afford to help him further as I have 2 younger DSs (one with ASD) and am divorced in a term time job.

His course is very intensive and he couldn't fit in work in term time but he's working 8 weeks of the summer holidays.

If I was still married and our household income was more and he was entitled to a much smaller loan I would be topping up his loan to the £8000. If that meant paying for his accommodation so be it. Our household income determines how much loan he gets, so surely right minded parents would be helping up to the £8000 if they possibly could?

As it is I get him to save his summer wages and send him back with a huge food/household goods parcel.

Ignore your friend. She may be feeling guilty that she hasn't helped her DSC as much.

Bedforme - as EllenJane says , many students won't get anywhere near the full loan, because their parents are both in work and earning more than NMW, so it is then very normal, for the parents to provide the rest of what they need to live on (ie, the difference between the £8k or whatever it is full loan, and the £4K or whatever it is the dc's can actually^ borrow). Most student halls will be £4800 +, then they do need to eat, wash, travel, even if they skimp on clothes, haircuts, and other luxuries.
It is easier for different families to manage in different ways, in terms of paying for accommodation themselves or the loan paying for the accommodation, but either way, the parents will often have to hand over the money for the student to be able to live.
My 2 both work, but that doesn't mean they could survive on that alone. They certainly couldn't go on the student loan, alone.

Nelly: "You wouldn't pay his rent if he went into full time work and moved out of the family home would you? No"

No, because he'd be getting a full-time wage!!!!

We paid (are paying) rent for both of our youngest 2 (eldest didn't go to uni - went to dance school!!) - originally planned on helping them out by giving them what they would've got as a "grant" if they'd been eligible. Kind of thought that was fair - if the government thought they needed £3.5k ish extra money to live on, we thought that was reasonable (tough, but we've just about managed) - so decided it was near enough the amount they'd pay in rent so we may as well just pay the rent. Youngest one just graduated and starts his new job tomorrow and will be paying us tent from next month, and middle one has one more year of A5 year course and should be supporting herself from next year, so I'm glad we helped them out and then they can stand on their own 2 feet later. (Eldest has been supporting himself since he graduated from full-time dance school aged 19 - was tough affording it all for a while but now it's all ending I'm very proud of them all and it didn't last forever!)

It is entirely reasonable to pay for your DS's uni accommodation provided you can afford it. I presume that you can afford it and this is not in question?

However, if you were impoverishing yourself in order to pay for his halls, I would understand why your close friend said what she said.

I pay what I can afford for my kids' and step kids' higher education expenses. My parents really helped me at uni and if you can afford it why would you not continue to support your kids? agree that living away from parents is good for their independence and parental sanity.

To me the full time work line is a red herring. Uni courses cost money rather than give you money. To me it's just an extension of school, a private school if you go to England rather than Scotland.

We've started to look at this for next year. Dds loan probably will either just cover accommodation or not at all, depending on where she goes. I've increased my work hours so that we can cover accommodation.

When I was a student money was a real worry, my parents didn't help at all and I had a heavy workload. I was often ill as I couldn't afford to eat properly. I'd like dd to have a more positive experience.

I'm beginning to think paying for dcs to live away from home while at uni should be considered as an investment - in training them to be independent.
We've just returned from a family holiday where we met up with Australian relatives. The recently graduated (2 years ago) ds is earning a fortune as an accountant but has no idea how to live independently, won't leave home, and won't contribute fairly to the the household finances or chores. In Oz it appears to be common to stay at home and go to the local state uni, and continue living at home until a job or marriage requires relocation. I think the total money invested in sending him to live away while he was a student would have been less than he is costing them in ongoing stress and expenses. His mother is incandescent about his recent spend of £1000 on a new suit!

Sorry that should be $1000.