High learning ability at 4 but socially struggling with personal boundaries

[EmaLu]

Hi guys my 4 year old is the very youngest in his class birthday being the 31st August so literally hours away from being in the next school year down. He is in reception class now and teachers are saying they have never taught a reception child so intelligent and they are struggling to keep up with him academically. He has been interested in words numbers shapes colours etc from very early on and at 18 months his favourite shapes were a rhombus and a trapezoid lol. His reading and maths skills are unbelievable, he has excellent conversation skills and soooo much confidence. He hit all milestones early. The teachers say they are spending hours preparing extra work for him but he completes it within minutes in class. Now my son is so loving and such a caring kind little boy but at pre school was bitten very badly and from that he started to hit out at kids who came into his personal space. My son has struggled with his social skills although of late has made much improvements I have been an anxious mess because if his outbursts of aggression towards other children. He never seeks a child out to hurt it’s only ever if they come into his personal space but not all the time. School is much more settled these days thank goodness but reading about gifted children these poor social skills seem to fit the bill but no one at school has ever mentioned that he may be gifted. It has been a struggle and we are heading in the right direction and we are thrilled to bits that he is so clever but we are concerned that the right support is not in place for him.

The teachers are struggling to keep up with him academically and spending hours preparing extra work?

Yes that’s right.

Gifted children and poor social skill seems to be common, but aggression towards others, I never heard of as a typical characteristics of gifted children.

Actually, from what read on MN is some gifted children are actually 2e, twice exceptional. My ds certainly falls in to this category. I suspect he is on the spectrum.
But gifted or not, certain behaviour is not acceptable, especially hurting others. You need to address that first, before demanding school/teacher to recognise he is gifted and treat him different from others.

Some "gifted" children (hate the label tbh) have very poor social skills, whereas some gifted children have excellent social skills. Like any other kids, I guess.

Poor social skills are not an indication of giftedness. They could be an indication that your son might be on the autistic spectrum, but that's impossible for us to tell.

I don't understand why the teachers would be setting extra work for your son in reception, which is meant to be about learning through play.

You say this started only after he had what to him would've been a traumatic injury. If he was an adult people would be yelling PTSD at you. If he's as bright as you say then sit him down and talk to him. Explain that instead of lashing out with violence, say to them "can you please get out of my personal space". And also explain that not everyone is going to hurt him when going into his space and that some people for certain reasons like doctors and nurses have to enter his space to look after him.

You don't get PTSD from being bitten by another child. It is perfectly normal to fear being bitten again however.

If the teachers are spending hours preparing extra work for him and he is 4 is be looking at different schools. He needs a focus on socialization as one would expect in reception and if they really want to give him work he can do they just have to borrow from yr 1 or 2 but frankly at this point in reception I would be focussing on social skills and his knowledge and understanding of the world.

I'm not sure how they can spend 'hours' preparing work for him that he completes in 'minutes'. Are there no older classes in the school? Lots of work at reception level is self-differentiated; if they are writing a retelling of a story, he will just be able to write a longer and more interesting one. I was in a reception class the other day and, while some children were mark making, one child read me her three page long retelling of a book the class had read. There must be loads of books he can read. My son, who was a good reader in reception, decided in the summer term that he had missed out on lots of the reading scheme books that his friends were reading and spent a few weeks in the book corner reading through them all in order.

Exactly Ontop.

I think lots of summer born kids struggle socially in the early years of school. Compared to their peers, they tend to have less developed social skill because they are younger. There is a huge difference between a just 4 year old and an almost 5 year old. So their social skills can be perfectly age appropriate, but the context (formal classrooms) may be very challenging and stressful as once they are in school, expectations of behaviour are quite different to nursery. Lots of kids at your ds's age would be expected mainly to do self-directed activities at nursery.

What are you doing about his poor behaviour? An intelligent child can understand that we do not hit others, and why we don't.
Maybe you could use some anger management techniques, whereby he counts to five before reacting to people invading his space. You need to teach him to be assertive about his space without being violent- you can do this through roleplay easily.

But [snort] at them not being able to give him harder work. Presumably they have classes of older children?

Some very helpful comments but also some very judgemental assumptions. My son is not autistic he has been assessed his aggression has and continues to be addressed but like I said he is doing fantastic now lots of support has been given to help him with this and it is no longer a pressing issue a psychologist and occupational therapist along with a autism and communication specialist have all said he is just young and needs to catch up socially. I was trying to give a bit of back ground info. Yes the school spend a lot of time preparing him work that challenges him because he is far more advanced than his peers so what is the point of him doing the same as the other children. I’m currently trying to get the school to get potential plus involved so they can make recommendations as many other avenues have been explored. My son doesn’t go on a rampage hurting other children his outbursts weren’t always physical they could be verbal and are a reaction to feeling threatened. A lady private messaged me saying she did so as some mothers of non gifted children on this site can get very petty and try and belittle well she wasn’t wrong. If you are not a mother of a gifted child you will not understand. People assuming that I’m just highlighting his intelligence and ignoring the poor social skills you have no idea at all what the last year has been like. Thanks again to those with constructive and helpful replies to the rest you could do well to learn a thing or two.

It is wonderful that the school have been so supportive OP. (I am sure that you didn't mean that he was academically in advance of his teachers -that really would be unusual!)

'Gifted' is difficult to assess at reception age. Children do develop their skills at different times. (Just as some pre-schoolers walk early but say nothing and some talk early instead.) Many who appear way ahead academically in reception are behind with something else (like social skills) and things even out as they go through primary.

It sounds as if the school are giving him challenges and providing opportunities for him to learn the missing social skills too. However, social skills are something you can really help him with. Work on meeting other children in contained ways and be on hand to talk to him about over-reactions. These are difficult things to address in school.

His situation with an attentive parent and a school that is working with him as an individual sounds good.

Thank you and no I definitely didn’t mean he was too academically advanced for his teachers in the last meeting his teacher said “we can’t keep up with him” she explained that they prepare work that they think will challenge him and then he completes it with ease leaving them baffled. I am considering the possibility of moving him up a year as suggested by other mums in a similiar situation but at this point I’m not sure if this is something his school would consider but also I don’t want him to be out of his depth anymore socially although he is more responsive and tolerant of older children. We talk lots with my son he knows exactly what is the acceptable way to behave he knows right from wrong the meaning of sharing and being kind and respecting others but impulse takes over on occasions and he makes a bad choice (we talk a lot about making ‘good choices’) Also this is only a problem in school. He goes to lots of things where there are many children and he interacts brilliantly it was hard to believe at first as he is such a loving kind boy and we didn’t see the negative behaviour at home, he doesn’t have young siblings though his brother is 14. Thanks again

If the specialists have said that he is just immature and needs time to develop the appropriate social skills then it would surely be counterproductive to try and move him up a year? At 4 years old the emphasis should be on learning through play and I think the teachers should be focussed on helping your son develop the social skills he needs during these activities. Learning goes far beyond the academic and it is clear that your son would benefit from an emphasis on these softer skills as opposed to the academic skills that he seems to have a natural ability in anyway.

Thank you Yes you are very right but we and the teachers are supporting his social skills he has a support plan in place at school. These are my thoughts too about moving him up I’m a bit conflicted with some of the advice it all can benefit him but I don’t want it to be detrimental to his social skills. Potential plus seems the right step as they assess him in all areas and make recommendations this is something the school and ourselves can both work from. I want everything to be considered to support him moving forward I don’t want them to just focus on his learning ability or his social skills I want them to support all of his individual needs in the best way possible. We need to find the correct balance I think the two things will naturally fall into place with the right support each compliments the other. People say I should focus more on his social skills which is fair enough I agree in part but if the correct path is found both taking accedemic ability and social ability into consideration it can only but help.

He sounds like a very clever but socially less mature little boy. I'd strongly advise against moving him up a year due to his social struggles. It's tough enough being the youngest in the year let alone the youngest by 2 years, add in a traumatic incident and differentiated lessons and there's really no better way to isolate him socially from his classmates and make things miserable for him. It really sounds a recipe for disaster.

As others have explained in reception there isn't a one size fits all curriculum and he wont be being held back by learning alongside children who are at a less advanced academic level. The school is obviously bending over backwards to provide him with appropriate level material. That's their job. Reception is also about learning the social skills of being a child in a group. It is really just as important for his future happiness and success at school as his academic ability so focus on that.

Thank you very sound advice much appreciated 😁

That emoji was supposed to be a smiley one lol

Right. Sorry to be petty then.

Apology accepted 😁

I was being sarcastic.

Really? 🤣🤣

Hey, you say you talk a lot about choices, but yet it doesn't seem that your DS lashes out 'by choice'. It seems more like an instinctive, emotional reaction (to people coming into his personal space).
He knows it is wrong, and presumably has been told other ways to deal with the problem, and presumably has experienced consequences of some sort for his lashing out. And yet he continues to do it (though you say it has become better).
To me this screams that the problem needs to be addressed on a different level, not a cognitive/mental level. 'Telling' him that not everyone who gets close to him means to hurt him obviously didn't cut it - he probably needs to experience this, repeatedly, sustainedly. Him 'wanting' to react differently isn't enough, as he doesn't choose to do this. So he needs to practice. I think role play is a good way to go in this situation.
(We did a lot of role play with our pretty able, August born 4yo - in a different context - and it worked a treat.)
Just because a child is gifted academically doesn't mean that they can solve all problems with their mind. Their mental abilities can help to compensate when there are emotional/social problems, but if you can address the emotional/social problem directly, that is even better.

PS I had to grin at the suggestion of a PP when I imagined a 4yo's reaction to another 4yo telling them to 'please get out of my personal space'...

PPS another vote against moving up a year. Especially seeing as if the school currently struggles to provide academic challenges for him, that means that Y1 work does not do the trick. So he'd be a year ahead, and still need extra challenges.