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Original poster

Just back from psychologist with ds - feel terrible

39 replies

skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:13

I asked for us to be referred to psychologist to help us deal with ds' severe constipation and reluctance to use the toilet properly. Weve just come back from our second appointment and the psych (lovely lady) has hinted that im infantilising ds (9) because I remind him/tell him to go to the toilet. I explained that given that he is 9 and at school and is on quite a bit of medication it is hard to balance everything with regards to "clearing out" - how I wished this was all sorted before he started school. I feel terrible now as she also said I was sensitive to his needs and fears.

OP posts:
BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:19

Hi Skinnycow, I can't believe you've been told that you were 'sensitive to his needs and fears' in a negative manner - OF COURSE YOU ARE, you are his Mum FGS!!.

As to infantilising your son, I just don't agree, how can you be doing that when you are just gently reminding him??

I think I'd ask to see someone else, as I don't think her manner is helping your situation one little bit

pfer · 30/11/2005 11:23

I'm with browny - ask to see someone else. You are supposed to be sensitive to his needs - you're his mum. If you weren't then there'd be a problem! You are doing great just by acknowledging he may have a little toilet phobia and trying to get it sorted out, so chin up and cheer up. You're a great mum. Remember it!

BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 11:26

In what context did she mention the 'sensitive to his needs and fears bit'?

I was told the same by a psychotherapist when my DD1 was a baby and in hindsight I think she had a point. I was over sensitive bordering on neurotic TBH and in behaving this way I wasn't helping DD1 or myself. It left me unable to view any situation with clarity or reason. At the time it gutted me to hear this, it challenged my deepest self beliefs made me question my capabilities as a mother and to start with I wouldn't even give it due consideration.

I wouldn't agree with dropping a psych, Browny on the basis that they bring up uncomfortable issues. In challenging our thought processes they are hoping to bring about change for the better.

How is your son getting on with her SK?

Original poster
skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:31

Browny - Im going to the PO NOW!

During the session I noticed ds's eyes go a bit "pink" and his nostrils flare as though he needed to go to the loo but was straining to hold on. I immediately asked him if he needed a poo. He shouted back "NO" (another indication that Ive hit the nail on the head).She told us that if he needed the toilet he could go and would tell us. I live with this lad and have tried to get him to go to the loo for about 6 years and I didnt want him to waste an opportunity like that!

OP posts:
BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:33

I would ask for a different Psych, for the sole reason that this lady made negative comments to a mum who is only trying her very best to help her son - surely reminding him to go to the toilet is what any mum in her circumstances would do - don't you agree?

Of course, Skinnycow, you are bound to be worried about your son and these feeling are going to show - it is your job to be sensitive to his needs. It would have helped if this Psych could have given you positive solutions to your problem and not negative

Original poster
skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:34

Badger I feel exactly the same. My last post details what happened during hte session. I also mentioned as relevant that ds fears the toilet overflowing and when he does flush, he shuts the lid really quickly and openly panics if he thinks the water is rising.

Another incident I mentioned was when he was 2 and was without a nappy and was running around in his vest. He was clearly panicking about something and then stood against the wall and a big poo dropped from his bum - he looked absolutely terrified. Is it is bad that I notice these things?

OP posts:
BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:36

Hey, Skinnycow - thought you'd fallen out with me - Glad you remembered, I'll look forward to the postman coming now! (sick of bills).

Really hope your son gets the help he needs - has your doctor given him medication so your son doesn't have a painful time on the toilet?

Original poster
skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:39

he is on a sachet of movicol, 20ml of lactulose and 5ml of senna each day. We occasionally have to clear him out with picolax or up to 10/12 sachets of movicol with the consequences to deal with. Eg. he soiled 4 pairs of pants yesterday and has an extremely acidic backside today

OP posts:
BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:41

I suppose your tried staying with your son when he flushes the toilet - to show that the bathroom won't get flooded and nothing bad will happen?

Of course, it's not bad that you're noticing these things - you are trying to find out the cause for his feeling - just what any professional would do.

My daughter burnt her chest in an accident when she was 4 and half and ever since then she has become anxious about anything potentially dangerous, i.e. being in a lift, escalator, even being stationery in the car with the engine running - we took her to the Psych for a few months, but mostly it was common sense - just gradually exposing her to these things.... she will now go on an escalator but not in a lift.... these things take time I suppose

BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:42

Oh, poor little man - you must be so upset! Can't you be referred to anyone else for help?

BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 11:43

Browny, no I don't agree. If I had asked to change psychotherapist each time a comment was made which I could have construed as negative then I'd probably still be in therapy now.

They do challenge aspects of our behaviour. Because it's 'our' behaviour and is based in our core self beliefs, of course we'd prefer that this other person is wrong, in SC's case, of course the psych might be! I can only speak from experience and can honestly say that the most painful comments were probably the most constructive, ultimately.

At nine I would most definitely have shouted 'NO' had a parent asked me in company if I needed a poo, through embarrassment at least TBH.

mumoftreasures · 30/11/2005 11:44

Although I love supernanny and the like, who usually "raise" the parents, rather than the child,it does seem that professional helpers are going overboard by blaming genuine problems on the mum/dad. I have a son (6) who needs reminding about going to the toilet. He doesn't seem to have any anxiety though, like yours, but will I be in the same position in 3 yrs time? Should I not remind him and let him poo in his pants?

NutcrackingXmas · 30/11/2005 11:44

Skinnycow, your Ds's Psych sounds as lovely as Dd's, she accused me of making Dd's handwashing problem worse, because I didn't stop her from doing it.

Totally ignored the fact that the reason I asked for a refferal was because I didn't know how to deal with it.

I haven't asked to see anyone else yet, am waiting to see how her follow up appointment goes next week.

BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 11:45

lol SC, though in your situation I would most probably have done the same.

DD1 was a horrendous eater, I could barely restrain myself from pushing her but in the end it was the only thing that worked.

BROWNY · 30/11/2005 11:48

BHBB, you have obviously had more experience than me and I understand what you are saying - I know that Psych. challenge the way people think/act and that is how they help them, I just thought that in SC's case some positive remarks would have helped too!

madmarchhare · 30/11/2005 11:50

I dont have any experience in this particular area but have in the past seen a psychologist myself and I have to agree that what BHBB is saying does make a lot of sense.

suzywong · 30/11/2005 11:51

don't worry love you are a very good mummy xxx

Just stop standing outside his bedroom door with the Glade and the Andrex 24/7

Original poster
skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:52

suzy - trust you

OP posts:
BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 11:55

Browny.

SC, DD1 has never (she's now 3) pooed in front of anyone. As soon as she started potty training, she hid to go. I have absolutely no idea why!

Original poster
skinnycow · 30/11/2005 11:56

he's just asked me to help him in the bathroom (i suspect another soiled pair) - Ive had to say no! I just hope to god he does it right. This apparently is part of my problem - I would normally ensure he is sparkling clean

OP posts:
BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 12:06

He will! If he doesn't he'll soon get the hang of it SC.

You're helping him by not helping, good on ya

pfer · 30/11/2005 12:08

I had to take DS1 to a behaviourist due to his shyness and she was nice. She wasn't much help but all of the input she did try to give me was positive. I was under the impression that these people (psychologists & counsellors etc) were not supposed to make you feel bad (well thats what I'll be putting for answers in my exam paper tonight anyway). They are there to help you not to undermine your faith in yourself.

BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 12:11

Pfer, I don't know one single person who actually enjoyed receiving psych help. The eventual outcome tends to be positive, definitely. The process of attaining that usually isn't.

BahHumbugBadgerBadger · 30/11/2005 12:13

Maybe the behaviourist you saw wasn't a great deal of help because she was nice and gave you only positive input?

Just a thought

NutcrackingXmas · 30/11/2005 12:17

Awww don't feel bad Skinnycow. I know it is hard not to help though.

I recently had to literally sit on Dd because she wanted to wash her hands and I've been told she is not allowed to unless she has been to the toilet.

I felt so guilty, but I suppose they know what they are doing.

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