Just back from psychologist with ds - feel terrible

[skinnycow]

I asked for us to be referred to psychologist to help us deal with ds' severe constipation and reluctance to use the toilet properly. Weve just come back from our second appointment and the psych (lovely lady) has hinted that im infantilising ds (9) because I remind him/tell him to go to the toilet. I explained that given that he is 9 and at school and is on quite a bit of medication it is hard to balance everything with regards to "clearing out" - how I wished this was all sorted before he started school. I feel terrible now as she also said I was sensitive to his needs and fears.

am sure you are a good mother nbut also sure that psychologist knows what shes talkign about. experience has givne you a fewar of your ds's bowel movemnets that would make you do possibly inappropriate things like ask in company if he needs a poo. I think it is as much a psych issue for you as your child and you should continue to get expert advice and follow it. totaly ignoring anyone who says change psychologist because you are handed hard-to-hear comments about your parenting

Oh Skinnycow, I could cry at your posts, as I think we are 3.5 years behind you. Mega probs with ds1 doing poos, will hold on for upto 15 days! Do you thinkg we shoudl do the pscy think now? Or wait to see if it gets better. DS1 also shouts no if you can see he needs, we usually end up threatening him ie you will not go to.... or reward him when it gets over the 14 day mark. He then goes.

Don't know if this post will help at all...

Both ds2 and dd had a problem with pooing following painful experiences with anal fissures. Dd was particularly bad: she was chronically constipated for 18 months and every time she had to poo, it was agony for her. I well remember watching her, knowing a poo was coming (for days!) and watching her resisting it and getting more and more uncomfortable and distressed. I used to plead with her to do a poo. She was on lactulose, sennakot and glycerin suppositories.

Apparently dh had a similar problem with constipation when he was a child and I remember my MIL telling me she was told the same as you Skinnycow, basically that the probelm was hers because she was so worked up by her son's constipation and toilet habits. She was as outraged as you at this suggestion. But then she relaxed about it and the problem did resolve itself.

When she told me this, I did my best to stop asking dd if she needed a poo and pleading with her to poo. It was hard for me, bt I jsut ignored her when she lay on the ground in an attempt to hold the poo in. Also, I didn't get distressed when she screamed when the poo came out. I just tried to be normal and say "Oh good, you have done a poo" to teach her that pooing was a normal thing and nothing special. Eventually her problem went away too, although hers was mainly about the pain she associated with pooing and eventually, I could tell, the pain was lessening for her.

What I am trying to say is that both my MIL and myself did find that relaxing about the problem and pretending nothing was wrong, did seem to help the process. I hope you won't think I am telling you you are over-reacting because your sn's problem does sound worse than what my MIL and I had to deal with, but it just strucj me as intersting that your psychologist and my MIL's doctor both said the same thing.

BTW, I had to have picolax once before an operation. I had a double does and was on the loo continuously going for half an hour when it first kicked in and then on and off all night. Horrible, horrible stuff. Your son is so brave to endure that!

chronic constipation (and consipation with overflow) are incredibly difficult to treat and it takes a lot of time and patience. the fact that things have got to this stage shows that whatever has been happening around the loo issue hasn't worked for your family ie might be ok for others (in other words I'm trying to say - clumsily! - that you're not a bad parent). I think that the input from an independent party - paediatrician and psychologist - is essential to get this fixed. wrt how these things start, some people I've spoken to believe that it may go back as far as a child moving onto solid food and being scared/hurt by the feelings a more solid poo causes. this is a long-haul and you might have to bite your lip quite a bit in order to diffuse the tension that's built up around toileting. have you been in touch with ERIC? they might be able to put you in touch with another family who've been through/are going through this. good luck

im thinking of trying reflexology to try and get him moving - has anyone tried that?

I dont like to sound too down about stuff but I could just cry at everything today now. I feel a complete failure as a parent (doesnt take much does it). I just had to pop into dd's school on pta business whilst dropping ds off. Whilst I was waiting for the staff member I was reading their noticeboard and looking at their "school in the news" board. I nearly cried at last year's Year 11 prom photos! why?

SC, of course you aren't a failure as a parent! I do understand how it feels though. You're trying to do your best for your son, obviously.

Maybe try not to for a while? If you leave him to cope with this himself for at least a few days, what is the worst that could happen in that time? By doing so you might empower him, which really would be amazing for him on all sorts of levels.

Empowering him doesn't mean disempowering you though, you're his mum, you love him and no doubt you'll support him regardless of whether he makes mistakes along the way whilst learning to deal with this.

I wouldn't involve reflexology at this stage TBH. If there's no medical reason for the constipation then really the psych help and each of you working on what she suggests is bound to be the more pertinant route to recovery from this.

I hope you don't feel I've spoken out of turn and I really do hope this works out soon for both of you x

I think in as much as it's relaxing, reflexology will be fine. but as an add-on rather than instead of the conventional treatment. i visited a school last year where they have taught the children massage and it's been incredibly useful in helping behaviour and relaxing them generally.

I've had psychotherapy or similar from three different people, each of which I loathed with a passion and each time I was very reluctant to return for the first few sessions. I was sure that they didn't know what they were talking about - 'it might be true for others but not for me'. Of course, what was really going on was that they were showing me things about myself that I didn't want to see. Once I had accepted these things, they were able to help me. There was one set of sessions, after each of which I would lock myself in the loo and cry my eyes out before going home. But it was always worth persevering because they did help.

From my experience as a child, and as a mum, backing off really does help. But it is excruciatingly difficult, because you are convinced that the child needs your help and that if you don't provide it you are failing the child. Not so. If the child knows that she can trust you to help when she calls you, then she will have much more confidence to deal witht hings herself.

I can understand your son's reaction to you asking whether he needs to go. (This is from my own experience as a child, but I'm sorry, I'm not brave enough to post candidly about it.) How about working out a subtle code with him, so that you can guide him without exposing him to public scrutiny? Also, if flushing the loo is stressful for him, why not let him not flush for a while. And if it bothers other users, well they'll just have to flush before they sit! And in a few months you can reintroduce flushing. Take him to the Science Museum - IIRC there's a section through a working toilet there, and he can see exactly how it works, which my both amuse and illuminate.

You're definitely not a bad mother! A bad mother wouldn't be trying to address these issues, and certainly wouldn't consider that anything she did was relevant.

Ive just been discussing this with my friend and remembered that at the end of the session, the psych said to ds "parenting is a very hard job, that's why you've got to help mummy"!

Hiya, I've started a thread to thank you for the books.. it's a bit further up.

Fancy saying that to your son! He doesn't want to feel that it is a hard job looking after him, does he? Someone will probably shoot me down for saying that. I'm sure she could have said it in a better way.

I don't think that's an awful thing to say at all. It's what I tell ds!

There you are, told you I'd get shot down!

skinnycow, I am astonished by psychs comments and would hope for more sensitivity.

Deggward, We are in a similar situation with ds who is 5.5. I hate to see him uncomfortable and obviously resisting doing a poo but he has always had alot of trouble with it. We are using movical at the mo and hoping for a poo any day now! (saturday was the last one). I have spoken to the gp and I think we are getting a referral to a clinic soon. It is so frustrating and I try to avoid, with varying degrees of success, making it a drama.

sorry sk, forgot to add, hope you are feeling less bad today