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Original poster

Lookingg for advice on termination of pregnancy

42 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 21/06/2011 21:31

Wasn't sure where to put this as didn't want to offend or upset anyone, so I hope it is ok here.

Basically last week my friend discovered she was pregnant with her 3rd child. This was a shock and not planned. Her husband is dead set against having the baby and has been quite awful to my friend, saying he will leave etc.

My friend is all over the place and I am supporting her as much as I can but obviously I cannot make the desicion for her. She is scared to death that her dh will leave her and so is considering a termination.

Years ago I had a termination under general, and my friend is adamant she can't do that as she is terrified of being put to sleep. She is going to speak to her gp about maybe having the abortion pill. The trouble is, i thin my friend thinks that this will be easy and just like a heavy period.

My friend is about 6 weeks she thinks. Is this still early enough to take the tablet ? and also along with heavy bleeding, what else should she expect ??

I am still hoping that my friend doesn't go down this route as i know that it isn't really what she wants, but i will of course support her whatever happens.

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EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 21/06/2011 21:36

I don't know about tablet but I had an abortion at Marie Stopes a few years ago. I was 7 wks at the time. I had to have a scan to check dates and then it was done manually, for want of a better word. TBH it was horrible, I was sick and felt very faint for a while, and the aftermath wasn't pretty although similar to lochia just with more lumps. Having said that I have no regrets and I was 100% certain it was the right thing for me to do.

Your friend is in a horrible situation and will need all the support she can get, you are a good friend.

thisisyesterday · 21/06/2011 21:38

i think she should talk to someone like the BPAS or similar. I had a termination via them many years ago now and i can honestly say that the treatment I had from them was really really good.
they will offer counselling and will tell her, honestly, what all the options are and what it will be like...

she can be referred to them via her GP

winnybella · 21/06/2011 21:41

I had a medical termination at a bit over 6 weeks. It was more or less like getting your period, not painful at all. I don't know up til what time you can have the pill- here in France it's up to 7 weeks, I think it's 9 in the UK.

winnybella · 21/06/2011 21:43

Oh, and what can she expect- I passed something (placenta?) on a second day- definitely didn't look like a foetus, but perhaps she should be aware that she might see something.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 21/06/2011 21:47

Thank you both.

I had the same as you Gingers.

My friend knows about my termination and I am trying to be as unbiased as I can in my advice, as she knows I regret mine.

She will be speaking to the gp tomorrow, but her dh will be with her. I offered to go but he wants to, which is fine but I feel like she won't stand a chance of putting her side across.

She suffers with anxiety and I am worried what this will do to her.

Her dh's reasons for not wanting the baby are that they are too old (43) and that they are well past the baby stage and just starting to enjoy their lives. My friend totally agrees with him, but can see past all that.

He has told her that she is selfish i she keeps it and that it will ruin their lives.

I hoped her dh might come round, but i think it is highly unlikely now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 21/06/2011 21:51

Thanks winny. I told her that she might see something, and she looked really worried.

I am 99.9% sure that if she felt she had a choice, she would keep the baby, but she is now so utterly convinced she'd end up on her own that i think she will do what her dh wants. I don't actually think he would leave her, i think he is too much of a coward.

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winnybella · 21/06/2011 21:51

Your poor friend. What a choice to make. If she is against abortion per se it may traumatise her for life and fuck the relationship with her H anyway. Otoh I ca see why he wouldn't want to start all over again. Sad

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 21/06/2011 21:55

I can see both sides, but her dh has been so nasty about it all.

I had a termination because my xp didn't want it. That contributed to the end of our relationship as I never forgave him. My circumstances were a bit different, as I was alot younger, and so were my other children, but I still would have kept it given the choice.

I think that her hubby thinks that once it is over things will go back to normal, but my friend has already said that she will never forgive him.

Whatever happesn i think it is going to be a tough few weeks for my friend Sad

OP posts:
hester · 21/06/2011 22:00

At 6 weeks she can have a medical termination if she hurries. She can also have a surgical termination under local anaesthetic but not everywhere will do this - Marie Stopes will, I think, and BPAS probably.

The important thing, though, is for her to get some help so that she doesn't feel pushed into this by her dh. When I worked at BPAS there were experienced counsellors always available, but that was a long time ago. She could certainly ring them and ask.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/06/2011 22:02

So he's told her it will ruin his life if she goes ahead with the pg and she's told him that she'll never forgive him if she doesn't? They really need to take some more time to think this over as it sounds like the end of the road whatever happens. What a horrible situation :(

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 21/06/2011 22:08

Yep thats what I have said Gwen.

I won't see her now until she has been to see the gp, but will make sure I suggest that she goes to see someone for advice without her dh.

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topsi · 22/06/2011 07:46

they need to think about some long term contraception as well maybe he could get the snip!!

MrsRigby · 22/06/2011 08:57

WHY IS NO ONE BOTHERED ABOUT THE FACT THAT HER HUSBAND IS FORCING HER TO HAVE AN ABORTION?

IF ONE OR BOTH DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER CHILD, WHY DIDN'T THEY USE CONTRACEPTION.

hester · 22/06/2011 08:59

I don't know why you are shouting at us, MrsRigby. I said very clearly that the important thing is for her not to feel pushed into this by her dh, and suggested counselling. Whatever they decide to do, it is imperative that they make the decision together.

iskra · 22/06/2011 09:05

I had a medical termination at about 7 weeks. It was like a usual period in terms of blood loss and I didn't see anything. It was painful & I was nauseous though. Only lasted a day.

It sounds like your friend and her husband need to talk this through though.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 22/06/2011 09:24

MrsRigby, I am very bothered by this, but other than give her my advice what else can I do ??

She was on the mini pill btw.

My riend will have seen her gp by now, so I am just waiting for her to pop in and tell me whats gone on.

My friend has tried and tried to talk to her hubby but all he does is say that he will leave if she has it.

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/06/2011 10:51

I think everyone is bothered MrsR. I certainly am but am trying to be reasonable and not pile in shouting "bastard". They have to find a way out for both of them otherwise whichever way they go they're buggered.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/06/2011 11:22

I was advised at a similar stage not to have a medical termination, by both a doctor and a friend (who had a deeply unpleasant experience when she had one herself). And having had a miscarriage years later at 8/9 weeks I'm glad I took their advice and chose a surgical termination under GA.

WRT to your friend's husband, he needs to understand that things will never be quite the same again. My dp wanted me to terminate the pregnancy that ended in mc. It was hideous.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 22/06/2011 17:50

Well she saw her gp today and she has now spoken to someone at BPAS. Because of her BMI she has to ring again tomorrow morning as she has to have an appointment with a specialist rather than the run of the mill person.

She is going to have the medical abortion if she is allowed. She also finally admitted to me today though that it is not what she wants. I am hoping the bpas might talk her round but i don't think they will.

It has been a very upsetting and stressful day all round Sad

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JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/06/2011 18:18

Oh dear :(

I doubt, if your friend goes through with this termination, that she will ever forgive her husband and their relationship will be as good as over anyway. In which case she might be as well to go ahead and have the baby.

I strongly believe that, had I had a termination last time, dp and I would have broken up eventually. As it is I'm just about coming to terms with the whole horrible scenario alost two years later.

MrsRigby · 22/06/2011 18:58

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STUPID WOMAN.

SHE DOESN'T WANT AN ABORTION, BUT IS GOING TO HAVE ONE ANYWAY.

£100 SAYS SHE ABORTS, REGRETS IT TILL THE DAY SHE DIES AND HER HUSBAND LEAVES HER ANYWAY.

BTW I'M NOT SHOUTING, MY COMPUTER IS BROKE - SORRY.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IF YOU ARE A TRUE FRIEND, YOU NEED TO STEP IN BEFORE SHE DOES SOMETHING SHE'LL REGRET.

WHAT IF SHE HAS THE ABORTION, HER HUSBAND LEAVES HER AND YEARS LATER SHE ASKS YOU WHY YOU DIDN'T SAY OR DO MORE TO HELP HER, WHAT WILL YOU'RE ANSWER BE.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER CHILDREN, HOW WILL THEY FEEL WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEIR MOTHER ABORTED THEIR SIBLING?

MAYBE YOUR FRIEND DOES WANT THIS, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU SO SHE IS BLAIMING HER HUSBAND.

MAYBE THE REASON THE MINI PILL FAILED IS BEACAUSE SHE DIDN'T TAKE IT AS PRESCRIBED AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET PREGNANT - I SAY THAT AS I KNOW 2 PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ON THE MINI PILL FOR AGES AND NEITHER HAVE GOT PREGNANT.

Bigpants1 · 22/06/2011 20:01

I think your friend and her dh need to take some more time over this decision. Perhaps they both would benefit from individual counselling? Whatever is decided, their relationship will not be the same,but who will be able to move on from the decision best?
I can see her dh point of view, but to terminate a pregancy that you really dont want to, can have lasting emotional fall-out, and your friend may resent her dh terribly.
Her dh seems to be seeing things quite black and white, but where is the acknowledgement of his part in this? No form of contraception is 100% reliable, so there is always the chance of pregnancy.
You are right though, really all you can do, is support your friend through a very difficult time.

hester · 22/06/2011 21:11

Mrs Rigby, you are bang out of order. Have some compassion, will you.

hester · 22/06/2011 21:14

TONutcracker, what a horrible situation for your friend. You have such little time to decide what to do in her position. Of course it is terrible to have an abortion because of pressure fro someone else. It is also terrible to force someone into fatherhood against their will, and to split up a family because the parents can't agree a way forward together. Truly no easy answers, but I hope BPAS give her good support and help her make the right choice.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 22/06/2011 21:54

MrsRigby wtf is wrong with you ?? I have spoken to my friend about this for hours and hours. I have had her sobbing her heart out a million times this week but what exactly do you think I can do ???

I have laid out every possible scenario for her, helped her weigh up all of the options and will be there for her whatever she decides but I can't make her mind up for her and I also can't force her to listen to me over her hubby and i wouldn't want to either.

My friend is not stupid either and did not do this on purpose, so i'd than you to keep your biased and stupid opinion to yourself.

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