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Original poster

dilemma - do i let dp's dad smoke in the house?

69 replies

laligo · 14/10/2005 16:27

dp's dad is coming to stay for a weekend to meet his new grandson... and he smokes like a train (pipe and cigars). our normal rule is no smoking in the house - dp (a v. light smoker) smokes in the garden and so do guests.

BUT grandpa is 70 and frail (has cancer) and one of his few joys is to sit in a cosy armchair for hours smoking himself to a kipper. he has also been very financially generous to us (helped us buy a house) and to DS, and i also love him dearly. i would feel like a right meanie chucking him outside, esp if freezing cold and raining/blowing a gale as it has been recently.

on the other hand i'm paranoid about SIDS and really don't want 4-month-old DS around smoke.

any ideas?

OP posts:
spookyserenity · 14/10/2005 16:30

Chuck him in the kitchen with a comfy chair?

macwoozy · 14/10/2005 16:30

How about just letting him smoke in his room, that way you can just shut the door and the smoke won't effect your ds.

hunkerpumpkin · 14/10/2005 16:31

Buy a patio heater

nailpolish · 14/10/2005 16:31

agree - put a comfy chair by the open window and give him a blanket

and leave the window open for ages after hes gone

Blondeinlondon · 14/10/2005 17:57

Can't you sit him in a nearby pub?

beansprout · 14/10/2005 18:00

I'm really hardline on this and I won't allow ds to passive smoke for anyone. I appreciate he has helped you out, but what are we saying here - that if he gives you enough money, he can compromise your child's health?
(btw, had a SIDS death in the family last year, so am v sensitive about this one!)

colditz · 14/10/2005 18:01

Get your dp to take him to a cosy country pup with a roaring fire, then he won't spend so much time fogging up your house. And put a nice comfy chair in the kitchen.

sweetkitty · 14/10/2005 18:06

Afraid I'm with beansprout on this one and won't let DD breathe smoke for anyone.

I spent all of my growing up years at home being told "when you have your house then you can ban us from smoking" so I have. My mum and dad both smoke like chimneys and I don't let them smoke in the house (which they have both accepted) I remember car journeys with my head stuck out the window as they both puffed away in the front.

DP's mother is a different story. She does not see the problem with smoking in front of a newborn baby at all and will always make a comment about being sent out to smoke. Sorry you have a choice to smoke and I don't want my baby stinking of fags.

Sorry I'm away on a rant now I know it's hard as grandad is old and fragile but I would ask him not to smoke in the house.

spidermama · 14/10/2005 18:14

My grandmother was the same. She almost chain smoked.

I took my four week old baby to see her (she was very old and frail in a 'rest home'). My dd was her first Great Grandchild and it was so beautiful to see her hold dd.

She had about four cigarettes during our stay there and each time I took my dd out of the room for the duration. Of course the room was still smokey and I wasn't completely happy about briging her in but I'm so glad I did.

My Grandma died very soon after that. I never saw her again. I don't worry that my dd has been affected because, in the scheme of things, it was such a short exposure.

I think it's fair to confine the smoking to one or two rooms and then just keep the house aired, keep the baby away whilst cigars and pipes are actually lit, and try not to worry.

He might not be around for much longer so make sure you get a photo of him with the baby. I treasure the one we took with my dd and my grandma.

macwoozy · 14/10/2005 18:16

But if he just smoked in his bedroom, keeping the door closed and window open wouldn't actually effect anybody elses health. I'm sure it'll be O.K just for a weekend.

spidermama · 14/10/2005 18:18

We have to treasure our old folks. We're all going that way. They deserve some respect. They're precious resources and really not here for much longer.

beansprout · 14/10/2005 18:20

I totally agree Spidermama, but our young ones are precious too. Adults have choices and babies do not. Let's remember that smoking is smoking - a pointless, dangerous, costly habit.

spidermama · 14/10/2005 18:26

But my grandma was just getting by from one minute to the next by then. If you stop old people from indulging in an addiction they've had for decades they'll have a miserable time.

I think it's well worth compromising and trying to meet everyone's needs.

colditz · 14/10/2005 18:29

He is old, and kind. He won't be in her house for long. He probably started smoking at the time it was considered a normal, manly, even healthy thing to do.

I say take the chance while it's there, and remove the baby from the situation. Create stinky bums, or needed baths, or long mummy settling needed upstairs, and keep adjoining doors shut.

beansprout · 14/10/2005 18:30

I completely understand what you are saying Spidermama and respect your willingness to compromise but I just don't believe that anyone HAS to smoke and, knowing what we know about passive smoking, that I need to expose ds to it.

Original poster
laligo · 14/10/2005 18:42

spidermama and beansprout, i agree with you both!

beansprout, i know it sounds like i'm saying he's "bought" the right to smoke, but it's not that clear-cut - just that he is wonderfully generous (both with money and as a loving person, which means a lot to me as i don't see my own dad and in effect never had a proper dad - dp's dad is the nearest i have) and it seems harsh and wrong to kick him out in the cold.

spidermama, that's exactly where i'm coming from - we want grandpa to spend time with ds while he can. and while i hate the smoking, it's important to him and i do respect that in an odd way.

like the kitchen idea but it's too small.

no pub handy!

if i asked him to smoke by open window, away from ds, during the day, and let him smoke in the living room after ds goes to bed, then ventilated the living room after he goes... does that sound safe? it's only one full day that he's here and we could go out for the day, so we're talking 2 evenings of smoking and just a bit during the day.

OP posts:
HausOfHorrors · 14/10/2005 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Socci · 14/10/2005 18:44

Message withdrawn

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:44

I think I'd have to still say 'no' to smoking in the house. Particularly with a new baby.

I wouldn't be able to stand it myself either - it would totally stink and it'd be hard to breathe - yuk, yuk, yuk.

I don't think I'd care much about how old he was, how generous he'd been - if my ds was 4 months old there's no way I'd have smoking in the house.

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:45

You have to put your ds above anything else. There is no dilemma for me.

Is there no way you can visit him so that he can see the baby and not smoke while he's there but then you stay elsewhere where it's smoke free?

Socci · 14/10/2005 18:46

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 14/10/2005 18:46

I think it's such a relatively small amount of time that you can say a compromise is best, just take some precautions to minimise exposure..it's a pity the kitchen won't work as if you have an extractor in there it would help.

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:49

I don't think confining smoking to one or two rooms will make any difference. The whole house will stink.

My FIL smokes and when he visits I can smell when he arrives from upstairs cos it's on his clothes, his bags, everything. He doesn't smoke in the house at all but he stinks of it anyway.

Original poster
laligo · 14/10/2005 18:53

i agree socci, the ideal would be that he would offer not to smoke. perhaps that will happen if i make a big deal about sorting out where/when he can smoke because of the danger to DS.

oohhhhh i am swinging back and forth with every post! because i too do not want DS to get the tiniest whiff of smoke. it bothers me enough that DP has 1 a day in the garden. but like father like son. they both love smoking and are quite stubborn about it (and yes i have tried to get dp to stop).

OP posts:
Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:56

I think it's spectacularly selfish to smoke around children (or anyone else for that matter, but particularly children) - I don't know how people can think it is in anyway acceptable.

It's not a theory that it kills is it?

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