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Original poster

dilemma - do i let dp's dad smoke in the house?

69 replies

laligo · 14/10/2005 16:27

dp's dad is coming to stay for a weekend to meet his new grandson... and he smokes like a train (pipe and cigars). our normal rule is no smoking in the house - dp (a v. light smoker) smokes in the garden and so do guests.

BUT grandpa is 70 and frail (has cancer) and one of his few joys is to sit in a cosy armchair for hours smoking himself to a kipper. he has also been very financially generous to us (helped us buy a house) and to DS, and i also love him dearly. i would feel like a right meanie chucking him outside, esp if freezing cold and raining/blowing a gale as it has been recently.

on the other hand i'm paranoid about SIDS and really don't want 4-month-old DS around smoke.

any ideas?

OP posts:
spidermama · 14/10/2005 18:57

I think these are overreactions and that your suggestion is absolutely fine laligo.

It's not as if he's coing to live with you. If it was that awful we'd all have to make sure we never walk past a smoker in the street fgs!
Ot take an extra long route just in case we pass any pubs.

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:57

any way, not anyway!

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 18:57

Spidermama - but those are things that can't really be avoided and walking past a pub is not the same as someone smoking in your house.

Socci · 14/10/2005 18:58

Message withdrawn

Socci · 14/10/2005 19:01

Message withdrawn

moondog · 14/10/2005 19:06

I hate fags in the house but bloody hell,he's old,he's helped you loadfs,he's not going to be around (in both senses) for long.....

Assign a designated smoking room to him and let him 'ave a fag (or a hundred.)

When we had a big party in Turkey,we gritted our teeth and let everyone fag it in the kitchen. A Turk without a fag would be as miserable as a Brit without a cuppa and it was a party after all....

spidermama · 14/10/2005 19:06

For one weekend, in a well aired house, restricted to a room which the baby isn't even in at the time of the smoking.

Come on!

TrickorTwiglett · 14/10/2005 19:08

don't understand the dilemna if he's that nice he'll realise that smoking is a dangerous habit that can harm a newborn child

there is no way I would let anyone smoke near my children (or me) .. no-one

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 19:08

Nope, I'm a stubborn old cow. It wouldn't be happening under my roof. I don't care how old he is.

TrickorTwiglett · 14/10/2005 19:09

if he was a really nice man with a crack habit would you let him do it in front of your children then?

spidermama · 14/10/2005 19:17

I'm thining some people don't understand the nature of the addiction.

It's a proper addiction and if the old man isn't allowed to smoke he won't be able to think about anything else so will have a crap, miserable time.

I gave up smoking nearly ten years ago and it was so hard. I truly grieved the loss and cried many times. It was agony.

This old feller's been smoking half a century, probably.

I don't like smoking either, but this reaction is verging on hysterical. I know you'll hate me for saying it but I am aghast at the reaction.

You say he's only with you one full day. Make sure you take the baby for a lovely, long walk on that day for plenty of fresh air.

How would I feel now if I'd refused to let my grandmother hold the only great grandchild she ever had the chance to meet just because of a couple of cigarettes?

TrickorTwiglett · 14/10/2005 19:19

spidermama .. I'm an ex-smoker too (much to my shame)

I don't think anyone should smoke around a child .. whatever their age

tough titty is what I say

(I admit my feelings may currently be coloured by my current inability to breathe normally)

Gobbledispook · 14/10/2005 19:19

I'm equally aghast at the suggestion that smoking in the house is Ok with a 4 month old baby there.

He can go outside for his fags surely? Sit on the back door step or sit on a chair by the open back door?

Socci · 14/10/2005 19:20

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 14/10/2005 19:21

I think baby is probably more at risk from his own father smoking as I beleive that even if you smoke outside you are supposed not to go near the infant until 40 minutes or something after smoking each time?

Original poster
laligo · 14/10/2005 19:22

well there will definitely be no smoking in front of ds. it has to be in a different room if at all.

as for the point about if he is nice and kind, he won't do it - well, it's not that simple. he's old-fashioned and set in his ways, and his ways were set before we knew what smoking can do. of course i can tell him all the risks but he will still want (and in some sense need, insofar as he is addicted) to smoke. not smoking would be horrible for him and so would being banished to a freezing garden for half his stay. yes, DS is more important to me. but i don't want to just be totally hardline and put my foot down the moment fil walks in. i want to maintain my relationship with him and be kibd to him...

aaarrrggh

at the moment i'm thinking i should explain my worries to him and all the risks, suggest a compromise with particular rooms/times, and outside if possible. then hope he will get the message and go outside, but if not, will use the compromise.

OP posts:
frannykenstein · 14/10/2005 19:23

I wouldn't let him smoke in the house either. I gave up smoking so as not to affect the health of my (then unconceived) children, I don't see why anyone else should be allowed to pollute their little lungs either.

I don't see his age, health etc. has anything to do with it. Smokers have a choice whether to smoke or not, they are not helpless victims. A weekend's passive smoking for a young baby could have very serious effects - we all know the risks. You are all very sweet trying to think of ways to make the guest comfortable, but at the end of the day it is your house and he should not dream of smoking around his new grandson anyway - if he in fact assumes he is going to be allowed to, I think it's terribly selfish of him.

skinnycow · 14/10/2005 19:23

im afraid i owuldnt allow anyone to smoke in my house, never have and never will. Cant abide the bedroom smoking either - think if there was a fire due to a discarded ciggie butt.

frannykenstein · 14/10/2005 19:25

Spidermama, smoking around a small baby can kill them. Why on earth should anyone risk that just to make someone else's life more comfortable?

zippitippitoes · 14/10/2005 19:26

This is quite interesting Passive Smoking and Children

spidermama · 14/10/2005 19:26

There is the small matter of a Grandfather getting involved with his grandson. I'm sure he won't spend the whole time smoking. He'll probably talk, possibly cuddle, maybe tuck in his shirt, drink tea??

Seriously though, if you're really worried why not have dp deal with it. It's his dad so he'll be more aware of his feelings and capabilities.

I think you're right to be trying to look after everybody's needs though. Family harmony is well worth achieving and I don't believe it's really that big a deal.

TrickorTwiglett · 14/10/2005 19:26

buy or rent some patio heaters and make a nice comfy space for him to smoke outside then

spidermama · 14/10/2005 19:27

Zippi, that link talks about 'parents' smoking. The difference is, parents tend to live with their kids. This old man's coming for the weekend.

Socci · 14/10/2005 19:27

Message withdrawn

TrickorTwiglett · 14/10/2005 19:28

why don't you just tell him that DS is getting over a chest infection and you have been advised not to let him near anyone who smokes