Post Natal Depression/Panic Attacks

[Giz]

I'm new to this and also feeling low so bear with me......My son (my 1st baby) was born in feb 2000. I felt alright to begin with but then in the May I started getting really weepy and always felt tired, I didn't want to go out of the house, kept putting off visitors and just couldn't stop crying then in the June I was out at the local shops buying urgently needed baby supplies. I'd left my purse in the car and had to leave my shopping at the checkout whilst i went to get the purse. I returned back and a small queue had built up so I apologised to the people waiting and the the woman was very nasty in her reply to my apology.......I just lost it - uncontrollable sobbing, wailing like a mad woman. The staff at the shop were brilliant, they moved the people to another till and carried my shopping to the car. The checkout lady took the time to talk to me and gave me hug, she asked how old my baby was etc etc and she gave me look of complete and geninue support. It was then i realised things were not right so I went to my doctor.....She was wonderful and wanted to put me on anti-depressants but i was really worried about becoming dependant on them, she explined all the possibilites to me and I started on a form of anti-depressant. She said I'd need to be on them for a minimum of 6 months and then she'd reduce the dosage slowly as it's not good to just stop taking them one day. I did start to pick up I didn't get to what i considered my 'normal self' but i was not as bad as i had been. I could cope with going out more little by little. Then we had all the stress of moving. We moved and my old doctor who was lovely wrote a letter to my new doctor explaing what i was going through and at what stage we were at. I went to my new doctors as my prescription needed re-newing (i was only given a monthly supply). This was in the Sept so I'd been on the A/D for 2 & half months. The New doctor was horrid, she just read the letter, wrote out a months prescription and said "your baby is almost 8 months old you really shouldn't be on these now, only you can make yourself better". I tried to explain that although my son was almost 8 months i had not actually been on the tablets that long, but she just handed the prescription and said "yes well you'll have to do it on your own sometime" I got outside and just cried and cried. I was in a new town, no friends I could talk to, a doctor who didn't listen or seem to care - I just went home as fast as I could. Needless to say I didn't go back to the doctor again. I never re-newed my prescription and so stopped the A/D suddenly at the end of Oct 2000. I did go through a really bad time, i wouldn't go out at all, I didn't even get washed or dressed. But my son was always clean, dressed and idolised, all my time is focused on him. My husband kept saying "you've got to get out more I can't do all the shopping as well and the baby needs to get out and get fresh air, and xmas is coming need to get things for that" I didn't do any xmas shopping or anything my husband did it all. Then he said about taking our son to see santa in a grotto, his 1st xmas etc. I knew I had to do it and be there for my baby so we went out, all together....from then on I've got better ( I'm back to washing & dressing and going out with my son regularly) however I still cry a hell of alot, don't like large crowds of people activitites (for example I take my son swimming lessons as only 3 others in his class). But I'm getting weary and can't get past this last bit, can't stop crying over silly little things. My son is almost 15 months old. My husband is talking about a second child.......I don't know if I'm over this depression from the 1st one yet. In all others ways i feel ok to deal with another baby but then if i get PND again will it hit harder if i'm not over this bit. I feel so alone, I felt so positive i would get through this when i was with my old doctor but now i feel like i'm fighting a battle i just can't win!!

IS THERE ANY TIME LIMIT ON HOW LONG PND CAN LAST?

HAS ANYONE ELSE GOT IT MONTHS AFTER THE BIRTH INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY?

ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO GET PAST THIS LAST HURDLE?

That's not to say that babies can't be challenging - hardly anyone hasn't felt like throwing their darling bub out of the window at least once. But babies don't 'not like you' - they aren't capable of it. You sound classically depressed and I'm very sorry you are so down.

Sarita,

i too suggest that you go and see your gp, having suffered PND (just off pills after 3 years), I remember that babies can easily pick up on your mood, and if mummy is not happy then they pick up on it. I remember when I had a bad time PND wise, my ds would play up even more, and it all seemed hopeless.

help is at hand though, please go and see your doctor and maybe call your health visitor and in the meantime, please keep posting.

Your baby sounds very hard work, just like my ds was. He never wanted cuddles either, and was always crying. He never slept for longer than half an hour in the day. It is heart breaking isn't it! He has steadily got easier to deal with, and is now a very affectionate boy (19 months). He still causes a rumpus every day, and is hard work, but he is lovely. My HV said that he was so intensive because he was a bright child, but that still remains to be seen.

Anyway, if you are not dealing well with your baby's behaviour, you may need some help. Of course your baby wants you - you are her mother. She may be picking up on your feelings, or she may just be a baby who is harder to deal with. My ds has been so much hard work that it has put dh off having another baby Speak to your gp, and get help before you get too much further down. Do you go to a mother/toddler group? Have you got any friends locally with children of a similar age? They will be able to tell you that we all find young babies hard, it's just that some babies make life easier than others!