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Original poster

WOULD ANY OF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT?????

29 replies

Flumpybumpy · 01/07/2008 19:49

My Mother had a DS when she was 15. Back then good Catholic girls DID NOT get pregnant and were basically put into hiding until baby was born. Mum was sent to an unmarried Mothers home to see out the pregnancy and gave birth to aboy. He was taken away immediately (she didn't get a cuddle or a photo) and put up for adoption. He will be 45 this year.

In my position would any of you want to find him??? I nly ask no after all this time as Mum is going back to her hometown and mentioned him and wondered if he was still in the area etc... and this got me to thinking.

OP posts:
geordieminx · 01/07/2008 19:51

Is he your full brother?

Its a tricky one, sorry I cant offer any advice

NoNickname · 01/07/2008 19:51

I think I would want to find him. I have a huge curiosity about people anyway and am always looking up old friends and colleagues to see what they are up to.

Do you know his name? You could look him up first to find out a bit more - try things like Friends Reunited and Facebook, and also Ancestry (to see if he's married or has kids), etc.

NoNickname · 01/07/2008 19:52

Oops - pressed post too soon. Was going to say that after looking him up, you could then decide if you wanted any contact.

southeastastra · 01/07/2008 19:54

how awful, your poor mum, must have been appalling for her.

themildmannneredjanitor · 01/07/2008 19:55

i would want to know but it wouldn't be up t me it would be up to him. he may not know he's adopted even.

Original poster
Flumpybumpy · 01/07/2008 20:02

The facts I know are:

He was called Derek but his may have been changed after he was adopted.

He was born in Paisley, Scotland

He is my half-brother

He does know he is adopted as Mum was allowed to see him when he was 5 (he didn't meet her) she just got a photo and a chance to see him (don't why or what rules governed this)

I am not sure if I do want to know more. I have gone a long time knowing he exisits without wanting to know, but Mum has just set my mind thinking that maybe now I am grown-up with my own family, it might be time to find out more.

OP posts:
WarmFuzzy · 01/07/2008 20:09

I'm sure I would want to find out. Have you had a look at this thread? It's coming at it from the other side.

Imagine if he came looking a few years down the line and was too late to meet your (and his) mum. Life is just too short for those sorts of regrets.

themildmannneredjanitor · 01/07/2008 20:11

how does your mum feel about the prospect of meeting him?

Hassled · 01/07/2008 20:15

If it was me I'd want to know. My oldest 2 DCs are half-siblings to the youngest 2 - I love the closeness they have and the relationship I can see developing as they get older. Obviously this is very different, but you still have a lot of your lives left to develop at least a friendship. You share a mother, and that's important. He might not want the contact but if you don't try, won't you waste a lot of your future thinking "What if?"?

onceinalifetime · 01/07/2008 20:18

Aw, your poor mum, she may have have spent a lifetime wondering how he's doing, occasionally or otherwise. I think I would want to know and want my mum to know too. I would feel threatened if I was still a child myself but as an adult, I think I would look at it from my own perspective, especially as it's not a decision she actually took at the time and it may give her a lot of peace to know he's ok (although that is obviously not a guarantee). Good luck to both of you whatever you do.

Original poster
Flumpybumpy · 01/07/2008 20:19

Mum is convincing herself that he will have spent his life with this huge void that only she can fill and he would welcome her with open arms. She keeps talking about how nice it would be for my DC's to have an uncle (I am an only child).

I think she is setting herself up for a fall as the way she can meet is if she literally bumps into him in the street. She has this think about fate and that if he is still in the area they will meet.

Apart from her complete lack of logic and sense on her part I don't feel 'incomplete' just curious.

OP posts:
surprise · 01/07/2008 20:29

It might be a good idea for you to meet him, and test the water for your mum. If he seems really keen and nice, then you could arrange for them to meet. Just a suggestion. I would want to know, definitely.

Buda · 01/07/2008 20:33

Well - from the other side so to speak. Mr DH is adopted (will be 48 this year and born in Stockport so no relation!) - he has no interest in finding his birth mother or any information. I am not sure if it is a man thing or just my DH - he is a bit odd about stuff like that! So although you may find him - he may have no interest in 'knowing' your family.

I often wonder if DH's mother is thinking of him and wanting him to get in touch.

Jux · 01/07/2008 20:42

I'd want to find him. I can't think of anything worse than having a brother/sister/child somewhere and not knowing even what they looked like.

Exactly the same thing happened to a friend's big sister - it was all very hush hush at the time, but my mum told me about it a few years later; I was horrified at the callousness of her parents as they were the ones who insisted she do it. I have often wondered how it affected her and hoped they were reunited in the end.

I do hope it goes well for both of you.

shrinkingsagpuss · 03/07/2008 12:58

more to the point -does you Mum want to? and even if she does... would he? Sorry. I don't think it's yuor call to make if your mum is still alive -as she is.

cupsoftea · 03/07/2008 13:01

you should find him for your mum - even if he doesn't want contact she would know where he was.

Original poster
Flumpybumpy · 03/07/2008 13:07

Mum keeps asking me if I want to find him, which I think is a veiled request for me to find him for her.

OP posts:
OsmosisBanana · 03/07/2008 13:13

I couldn't live with the curiosity. I think I would have to try and make contact.

Jampot · 12/07/2008 14:49

i found dh's birthmum about 6 years ago. he always maintained he didnt want to find her but (and I cant remember how it began) knew I was looking into it. I contacted her first to ensure she did want to meet him (without him knowing) and after a few weeks and several phone calls I told dh I had found her. He immedaitely called her and they are still in touch. I have to say though that she does like him to do all the running still.

I say its worth knowing the information and possibly making contact with him initially to save your mum from possible heartache if he doesnt want to establish a relationship.

ElvinaFrizzell · 14/07/2008 15:51

I would want to get in touch but I think it has to be your half-brother's choice whether there is any contact.

I have a relative in a similar situation to you. Her mum was forced to give her son up in the 60s. I have seen their details on Genesreunited although my relatives are not doing family history research. Perhaps this would be an option for you? It gives your half-brother a way of getting in touch if he is interested.

Original poster
Flumpybumpy · 14/07/2008 19:55

Well, she is back from her holiday and surprise, surprise, she didn't bump into him. She actually seems quite surprised that she didn't see him casually walking along the street. She had built it up into her head into such a ridiculous fantasy that all common sense went flying out the window.

She did say she went to the town hall to see if there were any records of where he was living etc... but they would help her with any details. Clearly you can't just walk into the town hall and say 'I had baby x amount oof years ago, can you tell me where he lives please.

I am not sure if she is going to let it drop or continue down this path, all I now is I am unsure about if I want to know anymore.

OP posts:
donovan · 14/07/2008 20:24

I looked for dh mam (at his request) ds was born prem with cp and a genetic disease, the genetic disease was the reason he was was prem, the cp was a by product of the prem iswim, we needed to find out some info.
I have to tell you, she is a nutter and probably at some point will cause dh and I to split.
It took 3 months to find her and the last 9 years have been an experience to say the least. Yes, we found out the info we needed for ds. But, she wants to consume (the only word I can think off) dh, dd and ds lives. She thinks (and has told me to my face) that dh adoptive family are irrelevant, and was just vessels used to bring him up. Apparently she is the only grandparent that counts to dd and ds. My parents, and his adoptive parents are apparently sick controlling bleeps! and dh and my collective 6 grandparents are to old to count.
She rings us up three or four times a day, waits on the doorstep of dh's work. Has gone to dd school and informed them she is her Nan and tried to get her out of class for a 'supposed' dental appt. We have moved, changed phone numbers, got a restraining order, and she still bloody finds us. At first it was pleasant .. but now she is a stalker, and I truly can say she is the only person in the world I hate.

Upon saying all that ... good luck.

itati · 14/07/2008 20:26

I would ask your mum outright what she wants you to do.

Original poster
Flumpybumpy · 15/07/2008 18:23

I am scared to ask outright as I am sure she is angling towards wanting me to find him for her iyswim. I am just not sure that is what i want. I have never felt like I needed to know or that somethinf was missing, but something has clearly triggered her curiousity but she hasn't got (or isn't allowed - not sure of the law involved) the nerve to find out herself.

If she did ask me I don't know if I could say no, it would seem too mean.

OP posts:
Pruners · 15/07/2008 18:28

Message withdrawn