desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

And don't forget labour starts with twinges then the contractions get stronger - you will be able to assess along the way how you are coping and whether you need extra help.

That's true, though I'd never thought of it that way, madmouse. With dd my belly was so stretched my navel and a circle about 10 cm around it went numb.

Gas and air is a wonderful thing - you may find at the first gulp of it you feel a bit nauseous, but don't worry, it's normal, and then your body gets used to it and it's just wonderful.

I was born at home. And I was 10lb!

After feeling a bit "number" about all this and trying so hard to be positive over the weekend I have now completely crashed again.

I'm so sorry. I just cant accept not having my baby girl. I know I will try and put myself through this hell all over again on order to have even a tiny chance of having a daughter and the thought of another pregnancy like this is horrific but its a compulsion I wont be able to fight.

Am getting waves of suicidal feelings, I do not want to bring up a boy and I'm not a good enough person to get past this. I pretned I'm getting better but I'm not.

I wish to god I'd known I felt like this before I got pregnant and I can't live with taking the medication- so now its not just a boy but a boy I have damaged. Tried to stop taking the pills at night and was up to 4am on friday as a result, so what do i do just stop sleeping again. I cant cope with these feelings this close to the birth. I'm a wreck and I feel like I want to just die.

Lela - please don't appologise. We all know you're not just going to get better overnight and no one expects you to. Have you thought any more about the mother and baby unit? Could you go in there now you're on mat leave? I know you probably think they can't help you but maybe they can, maybe it will kick start your road to recovery...

Personaly if cutting down on the medication means your sleep suffers and you feel suicidal then I would discuss your options with your psychiatrist again. I don't believe your baby boy will be 'damaged', they are resilient little things. You must try and look after yourself first and foremost, what he needs most is you getting better so you can be there in the long run.

Please keep talking or if it all gets too much maybe ring the Samaritans. ((((( big hugs)))))

I cant face the shame of people knowing how bad I am because now everyone including my dp thinks I am ok.

With the best will in the world, how can being in a mother and baby unit stop me wishing my child was a girl? They would put me in and i would freak out and try and get put again. What would i tell dp? I dont want our son?

I'm trying to contact my best friend cos I cant be here alone but i think shes at her work. I'm going to have to tell her I know I'm having a boy and betray my dp yet again but I'm so desperate right now I just need someone here who cares about me

So its back to this again. I have a long list of things I need to do and importnant calls i need to make today and I'm sat here staring at the walls thinking about the future and how I will have to raise a boy.

I have just been on the website for ppl with "gender disappointment" and its utterly horrific. There are women on there who have tried to induce miscarriages and wish they could still have abortions, who hate their unborn babies for being male, etc. Others that are on their 6th pregnancy in order to try and have a girl. These ppl horrify me and yet i am one of them because if I'd known from the start this baby was a boy and how it would make me feel I don't know if I could have gone ahead with this, and that is the honest truth.

I dont fit in anywhere, I dont know if this is mental illness or this "gender disappointment" thing (maybe both the same thing). I'm so deeply ashamed and isolated by this- how can I possibly admit how I feel to anyone who knows me and will know my son?

I have all but lost the close relationship with my sister- she bites my head off when I say stuff about having kids as shes so sensitive about it and I dont trust/feel safe with her anymore so I dont want her to be my birthing partner if dp cant be here in time so I may give birth alone, how very fitting to this whole experience that would be.

My therapist has talked me through the options if this doesn't improve after the birth- leave my baby with my partner (and do what, disappear into thin air? commit suicide?), or have the baby adopted- how the hell do i explain that to my dp and everyone else I know who I have been putting an act on for for the last 8 months, playing the happy mother to be.

The only realistic thing I can do is to force myself to go through with this and carry on living this lie.

Sorry for this post i know i should just call the samaritans or something but I cant speak about this even anonymously to anyone.

Lela, these crashes are bound to happen, I think, and it's good that you are talking to us about this. I think this is mental illness - tbh, any reaction to gender this severe would, I imagine, have a strong element of mental illness.

If this doesn't improve after the birth then you need to have more therapy - perhaps something like psychotherapy, or CBT, and you may also be able to have different ADs. Try to get through just one day at a time. Promise yourself just one more day.

And please, please don't apologise. We're not here to hear one brighter post and think, "oh, she's ok then". We know it's really hard, we know it's going to take time. We know you can do it, and we'll be hear for your to offload your darkest thoughts. OK?

Im so so scared this doesnt pass when my boy is born. I'm so frightened I dont love him and want to be his mum. I want my dp here and to tell him how I really feel but I cant have either.

I've had various forms of therapy including cbt throughout my adult life and I have to say its never really made that much of a difference to my fundamental feelings about stuff.

Im so distressed.

Lela...sorry this is a bad day. You never need to apologise - its as ther others have said its not about one good day and that's it all wrapped up in a pretty bow...job done. Just take the glimmer of hope that at some stage you'll have less bad days and more good days. Until then it is just getting through it as best you can - you are doing a fab job of that - you're still here...you're still trying. It does sound a little like maybe the lack of sleep is taking its toll again, which can be awful for anyone's mood. I know you're weaning yourself off the AD's but are there any sleeping tablets that you could try that are OK for pg?

Lela, please go back and read BeerTrick's posts again. her feelings didn't disappear when her boy was born. But she stayed for one day. And then another. And in the meantime the amazing experience of being a mother began to worm into her mind, and her love for her wee baby, her little son, began to blossom. Try to be open to this as a possibility.

And talk to your counsellor about telling your dp how you feel. Talk through the ramifications of telling the man you love most in the world your innermost pain. Don't close off this option just yet.

Remember that when the baby is born there may be other ADs you can take that are more effective, and help you clear your mind.

And keep talking - we are really not just here for the "good" stuff, though we'll celebrate every little victory with you.

Can any of you who have been in hospital becuse of depression or in a mother and baby unit please talk to me.

How did you get admitted? Were you sectioned? Or were you allowed to decide when you left? How did it help, what did they do with you in there?

Im getting desperate for all of this to stop.

Hey Lela. My sil is a psychologist. I have texted her to ask if she knows anything about this. I haven't given her Manu details just asked if she knows what happens if you go in to a mother and baby unit etc. Will let you know if she has any info.

Please don't worry, you will get better. We're not going anywhere...

thank you so much. I dont want to leave my home but I cant live like this.

Women have given up children for whatever reason, it sounds awful really bad, but it's been done and those babies grow up, some even posting on mn now but the majority are adopted and grow up happy. Now if you are convinced you won't can't be happy with a son to the brink of wanting to die then remember you have the choice to walk away so you can both live happily you have choices. Dont be afraid of what people will think or the guilt -God i have somuch! Know that death is possibly cowardly way out, i feel it often though, but lela things can change in so many ways, you may not feel like this forever and I hope that you fall head over heels with that gorgeous baby. Stop reading those boards, they only feed the compulsion.... Be kind to yourself

Hi Lela, this is jane from the other thread. So sorry to hear you are feeling really bad again today. The better day or two in the middle still mean something, though, and they'll come back.

I was in a Mother and Baby unit for about 3 weeks while I was in the late stages of pregnancy. I have to be honest: I hated it. I had actually requested to go because I didn't want to be at home on my own anymore (DP working etc). So I wasn't sectioned, but once I got in, they didn't want me to leave. One of the things I found hardest was that they didn't really do much at all. There were some activities (like swimming, pottery etc), and I had my own room so I read a lot, and I phoned my friends and got them to come and visit me, and I tried to persuade them to let me out again, which in the end they did. I had hour sessions with a psychologist about once a week.

However, I think some of the other women who were in there didn't find it so bad and may have benefitted much more from it than I did. My problem was exacerbated I think by the fact that I HATED the main psychiatrist woman who had admitted me, and who was the one making the decision about whether I could leave.

So I don't want to discourage you from going if you think it might help because you could have an entirely different experience from mine. You might have nice staff, a more comfortable room, and you might find it sort of containing, if you see what I mean.

Why don't you find out a bit about the one nearest you? You could even call them and ask them some questions.

Thinking of you in the meantime and hoping you can find some respite in something.

Lela,

Sorry to hear how you're feeling today, you have done well though, it sounds like the good days get better. Please just keep going, you can get through this and there are better days ahead. You are so strong. You must be desperate for someone to share everything you are carrying alone at the moment. Remember everyone has been supportive on here, the judgement you expect and the shame you feel are in your head - not everyone else's, so please feel you can speak to Samaritans if you need to, and consider speaking to your DH.

For when you're feeling better:

So impressed you have your son's room ready (we didn't!). Got some nice baby boy clothes from Asda at the weekend, not too little monster or little boy blue. Well, some of it is but I found some that wasn't.

Just to remind you all that the thread is nearly up to 1000,maybe a good idea for lelarose to start a new one.

outasorts sorry but "you have the choice to walk away so you can both live happily"- I dont fucking think so. Live happily? After giving up my child? And explaining to my partner, friends and family that I gave him away cos I just didn't want a boy- live happily? Live happily? Sorry just cant get over you saying that.

jane I feel so bad that after trying to be positive yesterday with you that Ive crashed again so badly. Thanks for the info on the mother and baby unit. I called the crisis team tonight for first time out of sheer desperation and the guy I spoke to is going to tell my psychiatrist I am not coping and may need to be admitted. Its not what I want but neither is sitting here feeling suicidal on my own.

mummylin I know I'll need to start a new thread just so scared ppl who haven't read all of this will start chiming in and judging me.

I'm scared of everything right now.

Lela, do you want me to start one - just called "lela cont'd"? Shouldn't interest people in active convos.

lela dont be scared ,people could equally have come on this thread and judged you ,but they havent.You will continue to get the support you badly need.

lela, sorry sorry sorry, I have been remiss in my lack of contact.

Listen, if anyone comes on to your new thread and gives you any sort of shit, we will be there to tell them to do one.

Shall I start one now?

Can I call it "Friends of Lelarose-Desperately Depressed #2"

Can you call your GP and ask for an emrgency referral to the M&B unit?

I gave her a brief outline of your situation and she said this...(I didn't direct her to the thread, just enough info to assess the situation)

If she goes in voluntarily it'd be better, and no, they wouldn't section her unless she was a risk to herself or others and was refusing treatment. Mother and baby unit will probably be best place for her now-better to try and get help before baby comes. Good that she's involved with mental health services anyway, they will do their best to get her well and home quickly.

I think you should consider it as an option, please don't be ashamed or worried, the people there will not judge you and will just want to help you, that's all.

new thread
here