desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Lela, I just saw this. I have to go and get my DS from the CMs, but I will pst later.

Can i just say that the conversation you had with your DP was very frank and I know it must have taken alot for you to say that. Well done.

Back soon xxxx

"He is a big strapping strong masculine type but also very sweet and funny and I would be very proud to have a son like him." Hang on to this, lela. Write it down and keep it in your pocket. Look at it a lot.

Lela, remember that when the baby comes you can stop pretending. That will lift a weight from your shoulders, and you can then talk more openly to dp. You can then face your psychological issues together.

fwiw, I thought I knew how to raise a girl, but it's quite hard, I think for anyone, to not project their own feelings and responses onto a person who may look like you , but isn't. Boys kind of relieve you of that.

You sound a lot better.

Yes it is getting to crunch time, and it is stressful and frightening, but no matter what you will have your baby at the end of it, and that will be that. You may feel a sense of dread about having a boy and not motivated to have your birth, but all this is finite. You will soon hold your son in your arms,and then.....who knows how you feel.

I know you have a deep intuition that you were destined to mother a daughter, but who knows how things will turn out.

Your DH sounds amazing and you guys sound like you have an amazing connection. He is going to be a great dad and you a great mum.

You do sound better, sounds like you made good use of the time with DH, well done.

"Everyone says what gets you through labour is the thought of the wonderful gift at the end, but god forgive me I don't feel like this so how am I going to get through it."

I suspect a lot of people lose sight of the wonderful gift bit during labour, you get quite uncomfortable (as you've said) and there is something instinctive about needing to get the baby out. Your body does all sorts of magic things with hormones, it will know what to do and take over from your head.

I'm going to recommend "Birth Skills" by Juju Sundin again, she talks about what your body does, and she is quite realistic about if you need medical intervention or pain relief, thank your lucky stars you can have it and take all you need, but she gives you skills to cope.

Thank you all so much, you are such an amazing support. Am now tearful due to your kindness- god pregnancy is so emotional xxx

That's a big part of it, lela - although your anxieties (and the reasons behind them) are absolutely real, they're all tangled up with pregnancy hormones, which just do the weirdest things. For example, my first sign of labour both times was an utterly, utterly foul temper - really strange.

Have just been playing sock puppets with ds, using one of dd's socks. He thought it was the best thing ever. It was mostly to distract him from trying to get to my glass of water - when he gets frustrated it's so funny and strange because he is just like me - it's like seeing my own personality reflected in this wee blond gorgeous thing. He looks so like I did as a baby, which is an experience I didn't really have with dd. It's kind of amazing.

How are you doing, Lela?

I'm ok, have just slept in really late which is actually an acheivement for me. Being on mat leave is really helping, like not having the pressure to act ok all the time for work.

Last night my dp, who like I say is a real manly man, was close to tears because he thought he'd upset his mum, and felt so bad that he went round her house just to give her a cuddle. He has no idea what this meant to me as well as her, because I do see how close boys can be to their mums if you bring them up right.

I still don't know how to cope with the thought that I may (probably) never have a daughter though, and I have all these nightmares about it, eg that I actually give birth to a girl and am ecstatic, but then realise that she is stillborn and I go completely nuts in the hospital and have to be sedated etc.

Dp away to work again today, he never got much of a break this time. He works so hard for us, although it is hard to be separated I am very lucky to have him.

Only about 4 weeks til dday.

Lelarose I'm all smiley reading your last post - have you come a long way or what.

I know you are still hurting like mad and your problems haven't gone away.

But you can now see that you can bring a boy up to be loving caring sensitive and manly all at once (dh is like that and so is a very very close friend of mine who despite being a bit of a macho was the only one who could sit there and listen to all the vile shit of my abuse and comfort me) - I'm certainly trying to do the same with ds.

Only four weeks to go - that's gone quick. Do you have some idea about what you want for labour?

Oh, I am glad you're sleeping better. Not having to put on a "face" for other people is good, isn't it? Nightmares are hard - understandable, I guess, and will also, remember, be hormone and general birth related

Your DP sounds like such a gem - what a sweetie! Your ds has a cracking set of parents.

My feeling is that the sadness over losing your dream of a daughter will subside gradually, rather like a bereavement, and I guess much in the same way as having infertility, even secondary infertility. Friends of mine are starting to face up to the idea they may never have a second child, and I really do feel for them. I think the pain passes in time, as the new picture of your life crystallises and takes shape.

To add to your library of gender variation - ds is playing quietly with blocks and a teddy. dd has just done the most enormous burp. Yuck.

Oh god, my DS has a pink pushchair and a pink baby doll and he loves to push the dolly around the town. He also loves to play shops and really really likes to breast feed his lego men! He is just a little person, not boyish or girlish!

I am really pleased to hear you slept in. I remember having some really awful dreams whilst pregnant especially towards the end of the pregnancy, some very disturbing ones at that!

YOu are great, and doing so well x

Thanks everyone. I did not sleep last night, probably because I sleot so late yeaterday and the decline in my mood is huge. Trying to get house sorted and its just too much for me, feel like i cant function but the mess is really dragging me down.

Had very interesting conversation with a couple of friends last night- (yes I actually went out for dinner!). They both have brothers and were saying that both their mothers have stronger bonds with the brothers than them and that they'd love to have sons to experience that special realtionship. Before I started talking to ppl about this I had no idea that this thing existed between mothers and sons, I always thought sons wanted to get shot of their mums asap when they started to grow up- mainly i suppose because this is what happened in my family but then none of use male or female wanted to be around my mum when she was drinking etc.

I told dp I wanted to get the baby a dolls house regardless of their gender and he said that wouldn't be right for a boy and said it would be like him giving a girl toy guns etc. Told him no child of mine is playing with toy guns boy or girl, but that they can have whatever other toys they are interested in regardless of whether they are aimed at boys or girls. Isn't it amazing how early the gender stereotyping srarts.

OOOhhh - your dp needs a bit of an update to his gender politics! Good for you for sticking to your guns (excuse pun!). yy - am so sick of hearing people say, when I describe something ds (who is only 11mo) has done, "oh, it's a boy thing", when my reaction was to realise that ds is so like me it's amazing.

I didn't realise until I had a boy how strong the mother-son thing can be - I love both ds and dd equally, but because I really didn't want a boy, and still surprised by how much I love him, and how he can blow me away with a smile and a sloppy kiss.

Can you afford to get a cleaner in as a pre-birth treat?

Well done for going out for dinner with friends. Hope you sleep better tonight. About the nightmares - they can really haunt you can't they? You can feel like you must be a bad person to have these things happen in your mind. DH and I were going to start trying for a second and we've decided it wouldn't be right for us, after giving it a lot of thought. We've both had quite disturbing dreams about another baby. I guess our heads are sifting through it all deciding how to file it all away.

On a happier note, recently DS has decided if he gives one person a kiss, everyone has to get one so he trots round the room puckering up for everyone he can find. Childminder has had a new baby start. Now DS can be quite boisterous so I wondered how he'd be with a 4mo old baby around. Apparently he has been great and keeps bringing things and giving them to her. I think she ends up sat in her swing mounded high with toys she is too little to play with.

Better luck sleeping tonight. You're doing really well.

My best friend, who is like a little angel sometimes, came round yesterday afternoon and helped me do a huge clear up then sat and watched all the trash sat night tv with me, she even brought dinner.

At one point she looked at me and said I see a big difference in you, you're getting so much better with the pregnancy. she doesn't know how bad Ive been but it was good to hear.

I have thought of a name, which dp and I actually agree on and that everyone I mention it too says is lovely.

I have sorted out my baby's wee bedroom- he already has a wardrobe full of (non baby blue)clothes all ready and waiting for him and I'm going to get him some more little bits and pieces for his room today.

I still wish more than anything else that I've ever wished for that he was a girl, I can't help this, but at least I'm getting on with it.

Just wanted to share some positives for once. hope you are all having a great weekend xxx

That's brilliant Lela! Really great news. Phenomenal progress!

About the doll's house. My DS has been wanting one for a while. Every time he sees the Sylvanian family dolls house he says 'I want that! Purleaseeee???'. I've been looking at this one....

www.treasureislandtoys.co.uk/Girls/Marlborough_Dolls_House-24C6BA.aspx

Lelarose

Brilliant

Just keep posting on the bad days too you know - you don't need to get better for us, it's for you xxx

re. houses for boys, what many people don't realise is that all little kids, boys or girls, love doing what their mums do - with mini ovens, vacuums, etc. There's an assumption that only girls want to copy mum, but a) kids should really see dad doing this stuff too anyway and b) boys want to copy mum too! That's why pink stuff in this sort of category annoys me at places like ELC. Why wouldn't your son want a doll's house? It's just a way to use his imagination. And far healthier than a toy gun.

Totally agree- just been shopping in there and all the pink stuff really gets me down. It's the clothes that are the worst as well- I dont want my son wearing dark coloured mini versions of adult clothes, especially not all that "little monster" crap. Why are boys little monsters and girls little princesses? A lot of the baby boy stuff in mothercare today was actually grey- I really dont want my newborn in grey clothes, I want them in stuff with bunny rabbits and teddy bears and animals when they are that little and so much of that kind of stuff is aimed at girls it drives me nuts.

My objection to toy guns is I think it encourages agression and desensitises kids to the reality of violence. Dont want to get all political (and certainly dont want to start a debate) but it does worry me how you keep a wee boy away from all that stuff when other parents allow it. Basically I want to raise a hippy kid, maybe I'm just a bit too old fashioned/ naive for raising a child in todays society, especially a boy.

Lela, it's parents like you we need to raise boys in today's society! And yy agree to all the "little monster/princess" stuff.

There are lots of threads on here about decent clothes for boys - Scandinavian companies are good, and I buy a lot for both dd and ds from ebay, such as mini-boden, which I'd never pay full price for, but which is generally in great condition. Gap can be ok - ds has a gorgeous wee coat from there, kind of turquoise/blue with smiling tiger faces all over, and a lovely orange hooded cardi.

And agree, it's lovely to hear some good news, but we just want to hear from you, however you're feeling, ok?

No-one here is expecting this desire for a girl to just vanish in a puff of smoke, but I think you can accept that feeling and be open to the possibility that you may well fall in love with this wee boy at the same time, which is what it seems to me you are getting to now.

Have you come to a final decision about where you'll give birth?

Thanks for the tips habbibu.

To answer your question- kind of. Aiming for a homebirth still, as long as all ok at 36 week scan this week. Need to then get pool sorted out- midwife says get a second hand one but not sure.

The thought of hospital freaks me out, i just need to trust the very nice midwife when she says homebirth just as safe for baby.

I listen to my hypnobirthing cds all the time but still really scared about: being so out of control, baby being healthy, me not loving baby when I see him, and I hope you don't mind me sharing this but I am terrified of ripping when the head comes out. It doesn't really help when ppl say oh by that point you wont care about that, as then I just think jesus how much pain or distress do you have to be in for your vagina ripping open not to seem like such a big deal iyswim.

I just have visions of me going sorry no way just get me to hospital and give me a caesarian cos I'm just too scared, and I really don't want it to be like that. I want to be in a pool, at home, with a nice midwife I already know, calm and capable with my dp there with me. Just wish I could believe in myself and feel capable of having this kind of birth.

Lela the reason why you do not notice tearing is not because you are in so much awful pain, it is because at that point the skin there is stretched so tightly over the baby's head that the nerve endings don't give the same signals!!!

And you can hire a birth pool...