desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I don't feel as if you are badgering me at all, I really appreciate you taking an interest. And understanding why I don't want to take drugs even though I'm desperate to sleep.

Well the nurse just basically said I should reconsider the whole medication thing as she says the risk to the baby is outweighed by how much I am struggling. This seems to be the only answer left for me. She also said she doesn't have a magic wand, which I felt a bit patronised by. I'm not looking for magic answers, but I do feel like asking what she would do in my position when I've tried everything else. She only comes every 2 weeks and its not incredibly helpful, so maybe I should just give in to taking something. Because if I could sleep I know I could cope.

How did you cope with/ get over your insomnia etc?

My insomnia was on a much lesser scale than yours and was for a short time. Made my bedroom really comfy and dark etc, I started using ear plugs too, which I still use now! I used to stop wtaching TV about and hour before I went to bed, not have anything stimulating to eat/drink after lunch, ie chocolate, tea/coffee etc. I put hops under my pillow and had a heated lavander scented pillow type thing that I would lay on my regular pillow. I would put my ipod on with head phones on a really low volume and listen to a relaxtion CD and try and get to sleep that way. If I didn't get to sleep I would get up, take a walk round the house, have a glass of water. Then go back to bed and try again.

I think that maybe if you have tried so many other things and they are not working, then maybe it is the chemical option...I don't know though, it would have to be very very safe and well docuemented for me to do that.

However you are not getting better with what you are doing now, so, what can you do? What does your DP say?

I think he is so sick of me geting upset about this he'd just be glad if anything worked for me, and would say I should trust the drs. It's not men who have to live with the guilt and blame if anything harms their baby though is it?

He is patient and supportive but it is hard for him and I appreciate that- I'm not the confident and humorous girl I was before I was pregnant, which by the way was always my big dream in life, so I think this has put a lot of pressure on me which I'm not really coping with. I was really a bit naive about the fantasy vs the reality. That doesn;t mean that I don't want my baby for a second by the way, just that I probably had unrealistic expectations about pregnancy and didn't expent to have all this neurosis about being a good enough mother and it makes me feel guilty that I'm not enjoying the whole thing as much as I feel I should.

Hi lelarose just wanted to add my support and to let you know I am still following your thread.
x

Lelarose you keep coming back to feeling bad that you are not blossoming and feeling rosy and enjoying the pregnancy. But that is really not your fault and it is also not a problem.

You will be a good mum and you will enjoy your dc, maybe not always or not straight away but you will.

Millions of women do not enjoy their pregnancy. There's also every chance that you will start to enjoy it more - in a few weeks baby will make itself known much more and become a lot more real.

You will be fine, try to relax and not worry about having to enjoy something you are not enjoying. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

Hi
Have been reading, and it seems as if your nurse has given you some good advice. Medication is offered if the mother needs it and as nurse said if you are struggling.

A friend of mine had never had any issues with mental health yet when pregnant suffered very much with depression and ended up on an antidepressant to help her (sertraline I believe) and it did help her continue and stay out of hospital. Baby is very healthy and she is much better now.

I have very bad insomnia and I find:

• if I am awake I may as well go for swim/exercise, as if I am too tired to exercise I should sleep and if not sleeping can exercise. Exercise helps me sleep and boosts my mood more than most things.
• dark room, fresh air, relaxing music, not workign too late at night,

Also I try to use the HALT technique, which says we as people begin to HALT if do not address:
H - hunger (even if not feel hungy our bodies need refuelling)
A - anger, alone
L - lonely
T - thirsty, tired

if I address each of H,A,L,T I tend to find I do not halt.

Lela,

Hiya how are you feeling today? I wanted to share a story with you about a woman who is now a good friend. I met her in my ante -natal classes. In the classes she was so tense and kind of seemed really angry. I though- oh we wont be mates, you are well pissed off! Anyway it turns out that she was suffering from depression. What a bitch I am right?
She and her DH decided to have a baby and thought that it would take them a long time to conceive, and it didn't, only one month! She was so shocked and didn't feel ready to be a mum, was convinced something was wrong with the baby, she was sure she would not bond with the baby. She had a very difficult pregnancy. Really hard.
Baby arrived, healthy and well. She is a different person, still a bit anxious, and she is more protective with her DS than some of our peers. But she is fine now. She found pregnancy so difficult, and that made her feel guilty.
I am just saying that how you feel is not easy, but you are by no means unusual. Lots of women don't like being pregnant, don't beat yourself up about that.

How do you feel about starting medication?

Hi there- omg that woman sounds so like me. Thanks so much for telling me that it does help to hear that people do recover from this.

Well I was awake all last night. Finally broke down and called my sister in the early hours and cried for 2 hours. Feel horribly guilty for doing this she really doesn't need to be woken in the middle of the night with my problems right now, she has a lot of her own. But I was just so so scared and she was the only person I could tell.

Couldnt get to work today. I saw the psychiatrist-no idea how I even got there, looking properly feral- and admitted I can't go on like this. She said basically taking temazipan my only option. I cried and cried and cried til she didn't know what to do anymore and asked if I wanted to be admitted to hospital. It was horrendous. I wanted to get away from her but was also too scared to go home and be on my own.

I have the emergency prescription and if I can't sleep again tonight (its been a week) I will have to take one because I'm just not well enough to go on like this.

Thank you all for talking to me and not judging me. I can't stand my friends knowing I'm this depressed while pregnant I don't think its something anyone can understand unless they've been there.

Lela, what a day and night you have had. horrendous just doesn't cover it. It sounds just awful. But consider this, if you take the medicine, and you sleep, just imagine how better you will start to feel? Imagine this also, it might be the break in the cycle that you need too. If you can fool your body and mind into sleeping again, you might remember how to do it naturally, IYSWIM.

I think you really really need to give yourself a break. You can do it.

In RL, I think you might be surprised the support your friends would give you if you were to let them, but of course that it up to you.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. x

Thanks for all your support. I took the tablet last night and I did sleep but for the first time today I actually feel suicidal. I won't act on it because of the baby. The reason for feeling like this is that I finally realised yesterday what the root cause of all of my feelings is and its something so shameful that I cant admit it here because I can't leave myself open to the kind of judgement and abuse I will most likely get for it.

I'd do ANYTHING to change my feelings but right now I can't I just have to try and deal with them somehow. What I am constantly told is seek professional help. Well I have, and neither the nurse or the psychiatrist know what to say to me and I just can't end up on a psychiatric ward. This wouldn;t help anyway, but is the only form of professional help left open to me.

I have admitted how I really feel to one person who I am closest to and trust the most in the world and they are at a complete loss also and are now kind of avoiding me.

The professsionals say all we can do is medicate you. Well, they have, and grateful for the sleep as I am, I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and the realisation that if I wasn't pregnant then I'd just give in to the fact that I shouldn't be here as I'm not capable of happiness and god knows how this will affect my child. When I first realised this on Wednesday night my legs shook so violently that I couldn't even stand. I lay awake the entire night shaking and feeling sick in every possible way.

I adore my partner and my unborn child does not deserve a mother who feels like this so I have to pray (if only I believed in any kind of god) that I will recover one day somehow.

Thanks for the advice guys but I have now tried every avenue and things are just so much worse than ever. Don't expect any replies, but take care all of you and appreciate the good things you have x

Hi Lela

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I just came on here not to be glib but to offer you some comfort that a lot of women who feel severe antenatal depression feel absolutely fine once the baby is born. It might be hormonal and it certainly must have a lot to do with lack of sleep. lack of sleep is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Pure torture. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

If you do have classic ante-natal depression then you deserve some help for it. I had PND and didn't tell the GP because she knew how much I wanted kids. I wish now that I had been up front with her as it rolled on untreated for years. It may not be the case with you but I know of several women who feel severe depression in pregnancy and it lifts like a lid as soon as the baby is born. Don't know why - must be chemical. This might well happen to you. I really hope it does. But please, if you feel this low, tell the doctor. Please.

XXXX

Told the doctor, they said take medcaition or be admitted to hospital.

Ran away from work today, did a lot of thinking and feel my child is better off without me as their mother but then I think about what it would do to my partner who is the love of my life for me to end it all now and I can't hurt him or our baby.

The reason I am giving up is that when all else fails people say tell the doctor. I cried very hard for a full hour with a perinatal psychiatrist yesterday and told them I just cannot cope and all they did was basically ask me to leave.

Lelarose maybe you do need the medication for you and the baby. There is no way in the whole world in which the baby would be better off without you. Newborns need mummies until they are about 83 - I mean it.

I've been to the point of thinking dh and ds would be better off without me as I was feeling so ill and so much trouble. It's wrong.

They did not ask you to leave, they gave you the only options they saw, take meds or be admitted (and probably still take meds) - the fact that they offered to admit you show's it's serious and you can't be too precious about 'don't want meds not good for baby' - we are talking survival. I have several friends who've had healthy babies despite ADs. it is ideal but neither is being suicidal.

Sorry if this is a bit firm.

I mean it isn't ideal of course

Hey lela, hey there, please please stay on this thread and please please keep posting. It is OK to feel this way. It is OK to have these feelings. It is awful, but you are ill. OK? You are very ill and you need support, sustained support and things will get better, but just not right away. You need to keep talking to the professionals, take the medicine. I know that you feel like it is you against the world, and the help you are getting now is helping, a bit. Do you think you could say to yourself, "I want this to work, and I accept that people are helping me"

Lela, NOTHING you could say or do or have done, would be as bad as taking your own life. NOTHING. NOTHING. Your baby needs you, and you will feel better. Your baby lives inside you, and it will love you so completely. Please stay safe. Please keep talking.

Your friend in RL, well they may just be processing what you have told them.

Do you want to tell us. We wont judge you. This is a safe, anonymous place. Maybe call Samaritans.

Lela I missed your earlier post - don't do anything stupid and please come and post.

We here on MH don't judge and several of us have seen and or done things more awful than what you think you have discovered. Throw it out and let us prove it.

Hi Lela;
I think we spoke on the pregnancy board about Hypnobirthing? I might be wrong though...

Hate to see you feeling like this - please come back and chat with us, people here can help, honestly.

ok,so you are known to psych and cmht.thats positive.now preumably you got your meds etc after assessment and consultation.your psych is of opinion this is necessary for your welfare

you seem to be known to psych and team and on people radar so to speak. and now you need to try comply with the meds and treatment.knowing you are pg this would have been taken into account when prescribing meds

no the current status quo of irregular compliance with meds isnt suiting you. have you tried taking meds as prescribed for few weeks.takes time for them to kick in

there is no magic wand or tablet for deep rooted issues.but you can try practical stuff
increase activity level
gentle walking
gentle yoga or relaxation cd
good dvd book

i do hope things improve for you.

Hi Lela

Just dropping in to add my support. I read this thread, and then googled "antenatal depression" to see if there were any support groups. I found this old MN thread, which might help you, and you may even want to resurrect - I thought it might help to see people come through the other side.

You know that your feelings right now are not rational or real - they are not you, and so don't act on them. Keep posting.

Hi Lela...I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and I want you to hang on.

Lelarose - I know everything feels like its getting a bit much right now but have faith that this is just now - you CAN get through this.

Try repeating it to yourself - even if you feel its silly at first. Positive affirmations have been proven to work!

I will keep dropping by to see how you are getting on.

Please be kind to yourself. You are very precious, and doubly so now that you have a little baby on the way.

I'm thinking of you too. Your baby will be fine. Just remember you are ill and you will get better. It might all seem insurmountable at the moment, but if you look around you, many people you see will have been in a similar pit, and survived. Don't give up now. Have you rung the Samaritans?

Lela i really really feel for you. you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, i think you expect a lot from yourself. can you try to just slow down a little bit. and tell yourself that it's all ok, because it is, it really is.

try to be in the moment and accept how you feel in that moment without wanting to feel differently. if you worry about bonding with your baby, try to look at that scenario without beating yourself up about it. it seems to me that you have unresolved issues from your own childhood that you are only admitting now you are pregnant. that's ok, it happens to a lot of people. you WILL NOT be like your mum. you are NOT your mum. you are your own self and you can write the book of your baby's life the way you want to.

please try to be kind to yourself. you deserve this baby you deserve to be happy.
how you feel is how you feel. you just need to look at how you feel without blame.

thinking of you - keep posting if it helps. x

Hey Lela
Gosh - so much of what you have said in your thread is stuff I can hear myself having said. Other MNetters are right, what you are thinking right now is not you and you must stand back from it and know that in time you will see that.
I too have always wanted children and when I found myself pregnant with my DD I was shocked by how much I didn't want to be. I have suffered from depression since my teens and I think being pregnant really made this worse - don't underestimate your hormones in all of this. I struggled so much with being pregnant and indeed with motherhood for a good while if I'm honest. I came through it in a moment of clarity when I realised that this little girl needed me and I needed to just get on with it and find the strength. In that moment everything changed and I have to say I really did come through it.
I think it's about seeing the bigger picture and knowing that in the long run you have to live your life and learn to accept whichever way it has run.
I now have 2 children and this time it has been so different. I want you to know that it is possible to come through to the other side and you must hang in there and know that things will change.
Your baby needs you and right now you have no way of knowing what path you will both go down but it will be healing for you, even if it hurts to get there.
I am very much thinking of you. x

One more person saying please hold on, you are ill and exhausted and it will get better.

You are incredibly hard on yourself.

I haven't experienced what you have but I have worked with women in prison and I have seen women, many of them mothers, come through such lows you wouldn't imagine and find the light at the end of the tunnel. You honestly cannot have done anything worse than some of the women I have helped in prison, I did not judge them and I won't judge you.